Being closely monitored

[Buzz2]

My BPD/NPDh has been turning the screws more and more the last several months.  I believe this is due mostly to two unsuccessful attempts at MC during which he began to realize more and more how frustrated and disconnected I've become from this relationship.  To be fair, I was firmly aware of my frustration but even I hadn't realized how disconnected I'd become.  The MT said that my challenge was going to be with boundaries and being able to connect with him without losing myself (oh so accurate!).

So aside from the roller coaster of dysregulation our attempts at MC set off, his good faith effort in this relationship has been to reconnect.  The MT told him that aggressive/angry pursuit was only going to yield more disconnect on my part; it's a fact.  He didn't/doesn't get it.  His attempts to reconnect involve more and more scrutiny of me and my actions and what I call being interrogated.

I truly believe he thinks this is going to help things get better.  But he's only able to see how this would be better for him and loses sight that this is not best for us, or me.  Anyone spelling it out for him yields nothing.

I recently had to put a PIN on my phone so he would quit reading my test messages.  I don't care if someone reads them - there is nothing interesting to read - but it was messing up my notifications so I wasn't seeing when I had a message.  He checks my phone logs.  If I'm on the phone and he walks in the room he wants to know who I'm talking to and why.  He questions me about numbers he doesn't recognize.  If I'm on my computer he wants to know what I'm doing or looking at.  He wants me to inform him of my schedule and whereabouts at all times.

You get the idea.  This is somewhat new behavior in the last few months, or at least pretty old behavior resurfacing.  He criticizes me a lot for being "too independent".  He acknowledges that I've always been that way and he doesn't like it. 

My part of the problem is that over time I have disconnected more and more and kept more of myself private.  I don't openly share thoughts and feelings.  If I want to run an errand after work then I do it without letting him know.  These are all defenses I've developed because anything and everything could be used against me in the court of PD.

What is the best way to move forward?  Has anyone else dealt with this and have any suggestions?  I've tried validating the feelings (concern, unloved, lonely) but he seems to think I'm validating his scrutiny or he becomes angry that I dare to suggest he's "weak" or "insecure".

I know in all relationships there is some accountability to your partner and under typical relationship circumstances it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect to know someone's whereabouts or who they are talking to.  In this version of relationship, however, it is in the service of trying to regulate through external means and I'm very tired of it.  I want to be - no, I insist on being - my own person.

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[pearlsw]

My part of the problem is that over time I have disconnected more and more and kept more of myself private.  I don't openly share thoughts and feelings.  If I want to run an errand after work then I do it without letting him know.  These are all defenses I've developed because anything and everything could be used against me in the court of PD.

What is the best way to move forward?  Has anyone else dealt with this and have any suggestions?  I've tried validating the feelings (concern, unloved, lonely) but he seems to think I'm validating his scrutiny or he becomes angry that I dare to suggest he's "weak" or "insecure".

I know in all relationships there is some accountability to your partner and under typical relationship circumstances it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect to know someone's whereabouts or who they are talking to.  In this version of relationship, however, it is in the service of trying to regulate through external means and I'm very tired of it.  I want to be - no, I insist on being - my own person.

Hi Buzz2,

I've been dealing with some similar issues. Thank you for taking the time to write this out and articulate it so well.

I think first and foremost you have to live in line with your values and what feels right for you. The consequences of this can be tough to bear, I've been there, but living out of line with your own feelings is the bigger price to pay in my experience.

My SO recently told me, while I was on a solo vacation, brought about by him treating me bad on previous vacation, that I had to report to him on a daily basis. He criticized the times I wrote, what I wrote, everything. He broke up with me before and/or after this, can't recall perfectly, likely both knowing him.

But I gave him a pretty stern talking to and he backed down. Things went round and round on these themes when I got back.

My short advice. Don't JADE. You can only explain so many times why you feel the way you feel and are operating the way you are in the relationship. I try to validate his feelings when I can, but in my case, I've also had to make clear I am not going to "file reports" and I am not going to hear endlessly about moments he was jealous and *I* should have behaved differently when he was standing right there.

I hear ya, it makes you shut down more and you don't want to share certain things. If you want to be together, I'd suggest finding other things to connect over so "connecting" itself does not get lost, but anything you do that helps play into keeping you trapped/feeling like a prisoner to him is unsustainable and not good for you. In my case, this gets well into dealbreaker territory.

In fact, now that I have withdrawn so much and a final breakup is more possible than ever, the tables have shifted, in my case. He's backing down more on the issues that he recognizes are driving me off.

Like you, I used to be able to be totally open and had no secrets in my relationships. I don't like living like this - having secrets, hiding my feelings, etc. I spoke my mind pretty candidly the other day and although I fear it will come back to bite me, and said so, he was appreciative, at least in the moment. It's good to remember you have no control over how they receive information, or what they do with it, you have to see what you can live with or not.

You can talk about insecurity as a topic, but just be careful not to name call or label with it I'd say. Discuss how you feel about these themes in relationships. I've been clear that extreme jealousy is a huge turn off for me and not something I can live with. I just can't.

Hopefully others will come by and share their thoughts and approaches on this very important topic for many of us!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Buzz2]

Thank you, Pearl. That helps a lot. I wouldn't wish the magnifying treatment on anybody, but it's nice to hear about others' experiences.

Just to clarify (and I know you weren't suggesting this) but I don't call him those names (weak, etc.). That is his interpretation of my attempts to validate his feelings. Like if I say: "Sounds like you're feeling lonely, is that right?"

I do think I can do better at validating. However, depending on the level of dysregulation with him at any given time, sometimes it's too little, too late.

Be well and thank you again for the validation and support.

[pearlsw]

Thank you, Pearl. That helps a lot. I wouldn't wish the magnifying treatment on anybody, but it's nice to hear about others' experiences.

Just to clarify (and I know you weren't suggesting this) but I don't call him those names (weak, etc.). That is his interpretation of my attempts to validate his feelings. Like if I say: "Sounds like you're feeling lonely, is that right?"

I do think I can do better at validating. However, depending on the level of dysregulation with him at any given time, sometimes it's too little, too late.

Be well and thank you again for the validation and support.

Hi Buzz2,

Oh, no worries! Sorry if I seemed to imply something there that I didn't mean to imply!

I just know even when I try my hardest I can fall into blame or labeling of my partner sometimes. It's hard not to when it feels like he is the one responsible for these issues. But, it is what it is. We are both responsible.

Communicating by the rules, being consistent, and doing the best I possibly can matters. Whether it works with this relationship or not is out of my hands, but it helps me to live with myself knowing I am doing my best on any given day. I can't avoid all mistakes, but I can choose to keep trying to learn and improve.

So, are there other ways to remain connected so there is not a total breakdown between you two? Can you give him some connection?

warmly, pearl.

[Buzz2]

Good question! 

I've been trying really hard not to be defensive when he asks questions.  I used to immediately answer back, "Why?", which was a legitimate question but didn't help.  Now I try to stick to one explanation and then done.  Or shrug and say I don't know if I don't.  Keep it simple.  This seems to help things.

As far as me actively connecting - that is harder.  My tendency is to want to share nothing and spend as little time with him as possible to try and prevent negative consequences.  However, as you can imagine, this doesn't do much to further the relationship.

A few things I've been trying - sitting with him for 10 minutes in the morning before work and drinking coffee, if he asks me to run an errand with him I say yes more than no, being open to listening to his multitude of complaints about work and what a victim he is (I limit this 5-10 minutes) which means a lot to him, and things of that nature.  Small doses work best, although I'm trying to be open to larger doses when I feel up to it. 

My challenge is that the more time we spend together the more I am used by him to regulate and I become like an object - both physically and emotionally.  I am the emotional upset garbage can or I am the physical touch object all of which is designed to make him feel better but does nothing to facilitate connection between us.  My reaction is to disconnect or back off which contributes to a vicious cycle or approach-avoidance.  I'm working hard on my responses but it isn't easy.

I'm open to suggestions, though I know every couple is different and what might work for one might not work for others.

[pearlsw]

My challenge is that the more time we spend together the more I am used by him to regulate and I become like an object - both physically and emotionally.  I am the emotional upset garbage can or I am the physical touch object all of which is designed to make him feel better but does nothing to facilitate connection between us.  My reaction is to disconnect or back off which contributes to a vicious cycle or approach-avoidance.  I'm working hard on my responses but it isn't easy.

I'm open to suggestions, though I know every couple is different and what might work for one might not work for others.

Hi Buzz2,

It sounds like you are doing a lot of good stuff here in my opinion!

I can relate to what you wrote here too. (Yikes!) I've tended to feel a bit used in these ways at times, especially physically.

One thing I did yesterday to help us connect a bit, at a moment he was really wanting to do something to make me happy and show me he can do better, was simply get him to spend the whole day speaking me to me in another language he is fluent in and that I am learning. I have asked this many times over the years to no avail, it was hard for him to switch, and I get that, but he kept it up for the longest he ever had and it was fun to be able to experience him in this other mode.

By the end of the day he made some missteps and nearly ruined all the good will he built up over the day, but luckily he was able to regulate himself and it wasn't a totally ruined day. I have seen him today, but it's nice to have a break and he's nice enough to accept it, at least the last two days, when I've said I need a break from him. I asked him to notice his mood today though. How high it is. I swear he thinks I'm so funny today I might be a professional comedian. I'm amusing, but not that funny! ;) Something is going on! His mood is euphoric.

We're talking to a counselor next week and I'll describe this and see what they say.

Anyway, sorry to digress! Are there small things you could do that you both like, but don't take much time so you can get out and away before you patience runs out?

take care, pearl.

[Buzz2]

Are there small things you could do that you both like, but don't take much time so you can get out and away before you patience runs out?

Hmmm, let me think on this.  I might have to stretch myself here.  I am an introvert and like to have down time as part of my off work hours.  But I'm sure I can come up with something.