that inside voice...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

Something has been bothering me today.

I cannot escape the critical voice in my head. One simple example, I was quickly vacuuming up my kids mess this morning and all of a sudden I stopped and all I could hear was my moms voice in my head saying, "God! You're always CLEANING there must be something wrong with you."

(but really what she means is... .why are you cleaning and looking after your house/kids... .you should be calling and caring about me)

Immediately I think that there must me something wrong with me and that I am bad or mentally ill. Could she be right? Do I clean to much? It sends my mind spinning.

Then another thought comes into my mind... .

I AM A GROWN ADULT AND IF I WANT TO CLEAN MY HOUSE RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I WILL.

Another example, I love gardening and I have grown kale and lettuce for salads. As I'm out in my garden (a place I am proud of) all of a sudden I hear this critical voice saying, "Kale! You must be one of those weirdos that eat kale. Following along with everything you read in a magazine."

Why can't I just like salad. Why can't I just be me. Why do you have to take another things I love and ruin it for me. Then the thoughts come... .there must be something wrong with me? Am I really stupid enough to like Kale.

It's exhausting. Always questioning myself and then trying to figure out the feelings. I can't trust myself and I am so mad she even put these thoughts into my head.

Just had to get that off my chest. I am trying to use this message board as a support system so I don't have to weigh heavy on my husband and kids.

[Kermit]

Hi everyone,

Something has been bothering me today.

I cannot escape the critical voice in my head. One simple example, I was quickly vacuuming up my kids mess this morning and all of a sudden I stopped and all I could hear was my moms voice in my head saying, "God! You're always CLEANING there must be something wrong with you."

(but really what she means is... .why are you cleaning and looking after your house/kids... .you should be calling and caring about me)

Immediately I think that there must me something wrong with me and that I am bad or mentally ill. Could she be right? Do I clean to much? It sends my mind spinning.

Then another thought comes into my mind... .

I AM A GROWN ADULT AND IF I WANT TO CLEAN MY HOUSE RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I WILL.

Another example, I love gardening and I have grown kale and lettuce for salads. As I'm out in my garden (a place I am proud of) all of a sudden I hear this critical voice saying, "Kale! You must be one of those weirdos that eat kale. Following along with everything you read in a magazine."

Why can't I just like salad. Why can't I just be me. Why do you have to take another things I love and ruin it for me. Then the thoughts come... .there must be something wrong with me? Am I really stupid enough to like Kale.

It's exhausting. Always questioning myself and then trying to figure out the feelings. I can't trust myself and I am so mad she even put these thoughts into my head.

Just had to get that off my chest. I am trying to use this message board as a support system so I don't have to weigh heavy on my husband and kids.

[Greg]

I think this is a very common shared experience. And it makes sense: we spent all our childhoods being told were "less than" – being criticized for our every move, and never being accepted for who we are.

As far as I can tell in my own life there are only 2 ways to counteract this:

1) do not, under any circumstances, allow people into your life who put you down, belittle you, or make common criticisms of you or your actions, beliefs, etc. I find this is really important because as survivors of BPD we are extra susceptible to this kind of psychological/emotional abuse.

2) make it a practice of developing a positive inner voice. This is a little tricky to do. But just try telling yourself at least once a day one positive thing you like about yourself or what you did that day. I find this is really helpful, because our bodies need to hear a positive narrative to counteract all the negative abuse we received growing up. Like our bodies are out of balance hearing supportive, kind, and caring words.  I don't think we can expect others to fill that role, but we can always do it for ourselves.

I hope you find some of these ideas helpful. Best of luck to you.

[Harri]

Hi Kermit. 

As Greg said this is common among survivors.  You have internalized the negative voice of your abuser and developped a strong inner criticShrinking the Inner Critic in c-PTSD  A lot of times the inner critic becomes very active when in the midst of an emotional flashback.  Are you familiar with those?  You may find this thread helpful Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Read the articles and see if you think they apply.  We also have information on dealing with emotional flashbacks that you can search for or you can read about at Pete Walker's site.

My inner critic can drive me nuts sometimes.  It will kick in while I am walking, tying my shoes, makes me question if I really am the crazy person, etc.  It is frustrating to say the least.  One thing I have found easy and effective is to tell the voice to Shut Up!  You probably won't find that in a textbook on how to mange the IC but it works for me especially when I can objectively look at the criticism and understand it is just a repeat of my mothers verbal and emotional abuse which also included all of her projections on me.

The Inner Critic is a liar.  As I have come to understand more of how mental illness affected my mother and in turn her treatment of me, and as I have worked on changing my perspective and healing myself, my Inner Critic is much less vocal and when it does kick in I can often stop it before it gets out of hand.

[etown]

I just want to say that I get this, too. My mom used to love to call us stupid. "How could you be so <insert swear> stupid?" No other word cuts me quite like that one. It creeps up on me, especially when I'm feeling a little low.

[Fie]

Hello Kermit  


I *so* much recognize this !

When I was a child, when my mum criticized me, the criticism somehow always had to do with her. Either she was projecting, or she may have thought there was not enough attention going her way, ... .the content of the criticism was actually never really true. It was always about her insecurities.

Would you say that this was the case also for your mother ?

I have kept this inner critical voice for most of my adult life. It has bothered me quite a bit because somehow I always believed this inner voice. But then I made the link with her criticizing me as a kid, and I started thinking in a different way. I started thinking more in the line of : 'If my mum would criticize me for doing X, it probably means that it's a very good idea for *me* to do X, otherwise my mother (= my inner voice) wouldn't point it out.'  (Somehow along the years I have come to accept the idea that my mother actually doesn't want the best for me)

So any time I started to hear this voice ridiculing me, I started convincing myself that I was doing a good job. And you know what ... .This inner voice has lost most of its power over me. I don't hear my mum or dad in my head anymore.

Would you see yourself trying this ?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kermit, 

Thank you for bringing up this topic. It is such a common issue that us adult children of a pwBPD deal with. The other members have already shared their thoughts with you about it and given you some great ideas. It is a battle, but it is definitely one you can face and work on. As we begin to unlearn the beliefs about ourselves that have been deeply ingrained within us, we can counter those old messages with something new.

Sounds as if you are getting a handle on substituting the positive for the negative. Do you find any particular time of the day to be more difficult than another in dealing with this? For me when I am very stressed or discouraged or tired, the voices are much worse.

 
Wools

[Kermit]

Wow! those article were very helpful. It helps explain all these feelings I have. I really hadn't considered my emotional flashbacks to be PTSD, but really I think the article explained it.

Thanks so much

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kermit,

Sounds as if this was a  moment for you, the reading about PTSD. How do you feel about this new information now? What does it say to you as you sit with this new realiztion that you mentioned?

 
Wools

[Kermit]

I just wanted to give an update from my last post.

I thought I would put the books, articles, and computer down for a bit this summer and switch from trying to figure out a solution to my problem with my mom and just start to heal myself.

I picked up "The Self Compassion Skills Workbook" by Tim Desmond and it has been very helpful. It's a 14 day plan to transform your relationship with yourself.  I am not sure I am cured in the 14 days, but I can say it really has helped.

I think I suffer from a little bit of PTSD or just hurtful thoughts that infiltrate my mind at any moment trying to bring me down. Once my mom told me that I wasn't that great to doing laundry (not as good as she does it... .) I don't really try to get things as clean as she does.

Now, simply hanging out the clothes on the line today I looked at a pair of my daughters pants and heard my inner voice (or my moms voice) say, "My mom's right. I am not that good at laundry. Look at these stains on my kids pants. I am a bad mom."


These thoughts still come and make me very feel worthless and embarressed. I try and use the self-compassion to talk myself out of it and rationalize the situation.
 

My mom loves me one minute and hates me the next. She always goes non-contact with me when shes upset with me and then my family (dad, sister, brother) follow suit. I'm on the outs. Once she did this to me when I was about to deliver my 3rd baby and I had nobody to help me. Then she did it again in the middle of winter when my older daughter was sick in the hospital. It's traumaticing. I feel so alone and helpless. Then when I finally get her back in my life its like it never happened. I know I am supposed to forgive and forget, but many times I think to myself, "that moment in time was so hard and scary." Newborn crying, kids sick, husband working long hours annnnnd... .family ignoring me and mom hating me. I never get an apology. I just move on and act like everythings fine.

Recently, she told me that I am never happy unless everyone in my life is miserable. I was devastated that she thought that about me. Now I hear my inner critic all the time, even when doing a little bit of laundry.


Luckily, I am trying to make boundaries and to practice SELF-compassion. I actually can't believe how much progress I have made in the last year and a bit.

So update, things arn't perfect... .but they are getting a lot better. I just need to keep motivated and keep putting in the hard work.

And be kinder to myself

[Fie]

Hello Kermit and thanks for the update !

I know I am supposed to forgive and forget

Can you tell us who told you this ?

Recently, she told me that I am never happy unless everyone in my life is miserable. I was devastated that she thought that about me.

This is certainly not a thing a mum should tell her daughter.

Are you familiar with the concept of projecting ? Do you think it's possible that this is what your mother is doing when she's telling you such horrible things ?

xxx

[Kermit]

My mom has told me that all families fight and get over it. Of course I want to forgive and love and be happy. I just don't want it to keep happening to me.

I have heard about projection. It's kind of strange to understand. It's a classic case I think, but why does it happy. Why do people 'project' onto others? I don't think she even knows she is doing it. I tell myself that she is projecting her feelings onto me, but it just doesn't seem to make sense.  Can anyone give me any insight into the concept?

[Harri]

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism where a person can not tolerate their own emotions and they project them on others in an effort to get away from them.  This is not something they consciously choose to do.  I always think of it as happening just beneath the surface where they start to see/feel an emotion or aspect of their own self that threatens them in some way (annihilation of their Self which is fragile to begin with) and rather than confront, accept and work on it, they desperately try to get rid of it by putting it on someone else.

So when your "she told me that I am never happy unless everyone in my life is miserable. I was devastated that she thought that about me." she is projecting how she feels about her self on an unconscious level onto you.

The thing to remember with projection is that they may say something with absolute conviction that can seem quite startling but the fact is due to their own fears, filters and defenses, they can't even see you.  <--- Truth

Next time she says something like that think about projection and re-write what she says ... .say this is really about how she sees herself and how she feels and it has nothing to do with me.

make sense?