Positive Entitlement: Do You Feel It?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was poking around the margins of this page and found this wonderful skills workshop: Positive Entitlement - Taking The Initiative To Share In Life's Riches. While I am by no means an authority on this topic, I love how it sounds, so thought I'd toss it out for discussion. 

Are you entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches?

One of the things that brought me to this site was a feeling of stuckness that I sensed was connected to a relationship I had with a person with BPD when I was a teen.  As I started digging into family of origin stuff, I discovered positive entitlement is something I've probably struggled with all my life.  It did not feel OK for me as recently as a year or two ago to have emotional or material needs.  I viewed myself as rock-like, self contained and devoid of needs.  For me, positive entitlement means it's OK to have needs.  I can feel things.  I can even want things.  Or not want other things.  It's not my job to exist in a permanent state of worry over other people's needs while denying my own (as if I'm above it all).

How about you?  Does Positive Entitlement ring any bells?  What's your definition of positive entitlement?

[Insom]

I was poking around the margins of this page and found this wonderful skills workshop: Positive Entitlement - Taking The Initiative To Share In Life's Riches. While I am by no means an authority on this topic, I love how it sounds, so thought I'd toss it out for discussion. 

Are you entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches?

One of the things that brought me to this site was a feeling of stuckness that I sensed was connected to a relationship I had with a person with BPD when I was a teen.  As I started digging into family of origin stuff, I discovered positive entitlement is something I've probably struggled with all my life.  It did not feel OK for me as recently as a year or two ago to have emotional or material needs.  I viewed myself as rock-like, self contained and devoid of needs.  For me, positive entitlement means it's OK to have needs.  I can feel things.  I can even want things.  Or not want other things.  It's not my job to exist in a permanent state of worry over other people's needs while denying my own (as if I'm above it all).

How about you?  Does Positive Entitlement ring any bells?  What's your definition of positive entitlement?

[once removed]

i think i do feel entitled to take the initiative to share in lifes riches, but with a caveat... .

im focused on becoming the man i need to be in order to live and maintain that life.

for example, if i want a healthier partner, better relationships in general, im becoming a better partner and friend.

in my relationship, i wanted something healthier, better functioning, less fighting. but i didnt clean up my side of the street. i didnt steer the relationship in a healthier direction, or, alternatively, leave.

to me, it all ties back to living our values in order to live our best lives. part of that is the value we place on ourselves. part of it is what we value in our dealings with others.

[Insom]

i think i do feel entitled to take the initiative to share in lifes riches, but with a caveat... .

Would it be fair to say you've put seeking out a long term relationship on hold while you "clean up your side of the street?" 

[once removed]

yes, though not in the same way i meant with regards to my ex. with regards to my ex, it was more about my own immaturity, and lacking relationship skills. it might be fair to say i had the entitlement, and not the initiative.

i feel a lot better about that these days. however, life has been on hold for a while and i have a lot of catching up to do, ie building a career, furthering my education... .im a bit more interested in expanding my activities and my circle of friends before romance, building a healthy life, for me first and foremost, but also one that would attract a healthy other if doing so is my goal.

entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches

i think "take the initiative" is the most important part of the statement. similar to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"; we arent just entitled to happiness. "pursuit", "take initiative", these things mean we work for and toward it.

[Insom]

i think "take the initiative" is the most important part of the statement. similar to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"; we arent just entitled to happiness. "pursuit", "take initiative", these things mean we work for and toward it.

Nice comment, once removed.  I hear that the work part resonates with you which makes sense given what I know about your willingness (and ability!) to engage with difficult topics.

Today I'm connecting with the entitlement part.

I met the man who became my husband a year and a half after leaving my BPD-ex.   While I hadn't worked on myself (at least not in a self-conscious way) and probably wasn't technically ready for a long term relationship, when he appeared I dove in.  And things have worked out very well for us.  We helped each other grow up and are still growing together.   I remember wanting to be in a loving relationship with a romantic partner as early as my teens.  When I stumbled on this one (not without  luck) it didn't feel like a stretch.  It incorporated easily into my life and matched what I expected of myself.  Is this positive entitlement?

On the other hand . . . receiving fair compensation for work is something I've struggled mightily with my entire adult life.  In my core, I feel a lot of shame when I'm working.  I can feel anxious, undeserving and often find myself working for free or getting paid less than I should.  (Intellectually, I understand I am a hard worker and I have a history of producing excellent work.  Emotionally I feel undeserving.)  I have also struggle with understanding what I want out of work, and when I do understand what I want, I have trouble "going for it."  I think I LACK positive entitlement when it comes to money and work and this is something I definitely have to work on to understand and change. 

Would it be fair to say that where positive entitlement exists there is no effort?  And where it's lacking, things feels hard/unnatural and are a lot of hard work?

[once removed]

... .matched what I expected of myself.  Is this positive entitlement?

speaking broadly, "match what i expect of myself" is really at the heart of the matter.

some people expect Cs or Ds of themselves. some expect an A.

sometimes the C or D student will work their butt off for that C or D. one might come to the conclusion its the best they can do, even after they work their butt off. another might conclude "im a C or D student" and there is no point in shooting for more. similarly, for the A student, they may work their butt off for that A, or it may come easily, with very little work, so they conclude there is no reason to put in any more work.

Would it be fair to say that where positive entitlement exists there is no effort?  And where it's lacking, things feels hard/unnatural and are a lot of hard work?

now each of those students might be right in their conclusion, and they also might be wrong. the C/D student who works their butt off might ultimately be capable of more once they clear a particular hurdle, or not; the one that believes there is no point might otherwise achieve an A, or not, and the A student who doesnt put more work in may skate by, or not. but each student is doing what they expect of themselves and getting that result.

what id be interested to know is which student feels most fulfilled at the end of the day.

I think I LACK positive entitlement when it comes to money and work and this is something I definitely have to work on to understand and change. 

as i read it, i dont hear a lack of positive entitlement. you know your value as a hard worker, and can assess your work as excellent. you believe as a result of that work that youre entitled to share in lifes riches. that is positive entitlement.

where you struggle is that you dont feel entitled "to take the initiative to share in lifes riches".

and by that, i do not mean you havent worked for it. i mean you dont feel entitled to ask for what you deserve. that does speak to what you do, or do not, expect of yourself. its the difference between self esteem and self efficacy.