Trying to save the relationship

[tudx]

Hello everyone.

At first I'd like to apologiese in advance for any mistakes. English is not my native language, so if anything is unclear feel free to ask and I'll do my best to clarify it. And if you notice any mistakes point them out, so I can correct them and learn at the same time.


I started dating a girl with BPD at the beginning of the year. She is aware of her disorder and she fights it (therapy, antidepressant and mood stabilizing drugs). She also warned me about it and this is where I made my first mistake. Instead of learning about it I decided to rely only on the information she gave me. I thought I could deal with it, I'm strong enough and able to support her no matter what. But I was wrong. I never thought about my emotional needs.

In april, after the suggestion from her psychiatrist we decided to take a break in the relationship. Four days later she forgot about it and three weeks later we were back together.

But in may I had a really hard time because of suppressing my emotions. I was constantly nervous and finally at the end of the month she broke up with me because at one point she thought I was going to hit her.

After that incident I decided to start therapy. At the beginning it helped me a lot. I learned not to hide feelings. After therapist's recommendation I bought the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" and this is how I found this group.
But he also kept telling me that my (ex)girlfrend was the root of all evil, so I finished my therapy.

Right now I'm working on myself to be a better man. We rarely meet each other, but we talk a lot on chat. Lately we started to call each other everyday.
I still love her. She says, that she still loves me, but we can't be togeather because she can't handle another disappointment.

Yesterday she forgot once again that she broke up with me. We talked a lot. She noticed a positive change in my behavior.
I'm not sure what to expect. I want to ask her for another chance, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I'm not sure if it will work. I'm afraid I can destroy everything I've worked so hard on... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi tudx and

the first rule around here is that before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.

it sounds like youre on a good path in that regard. you got and are getting support - great, and you are focused on ending your side of the conflict - also great. there is still love and affection for each other, thats good news.

i wouldnt push for another chance at this point. it sounds like trust is damaged for her (people with BPD have a harder time than average trusting others.) its likely damaged for you as well.

so id focus more on building trust in the short and long term. actions tend to work better than words regarding that. she noticed a positive change, which is good, but its likely going to take a consistent, longer haul for her to feel safe and begin to change her perception.

are you seeing each other in person at all?

 

[tudx]

Thanks for the answer once removed

We met for a few minutes last week, but we haven't spent more time together since the beginning of july
I just finished talking to her and we're going to meet tomorrow 

I do not want to ask her another chance yet, but I don't want to wait too long.
She said that her goal now is to stop loving me. I feel that my chances are decreasing everyday... .

[RolandOfEld]

Hi tudx and let me join once removed in welcoming you!

First let me say you are way ahead of the game in terms of BPD knowledge in ratio to time spent in relationship with someone with BPD. I was 10 years into my relationship with my wife before I even knew it existed. I greatly admire the steps you have taken to educate and improve yourself following the breakup.

I personally find it difficult to advise people on the "what to expect" question when it comes to a romantic partner with BPD. In my experience the disorder is cyclical and how someone with BPD responds to you is very based on what point in the cycle. I do not think people with BPD generally have a baseline opinion of their partner and the relationship. Rather, they will go with how they feel in that moment "I love you, I need you" vs "you are evil, I hate you".

This the the main challenge, since relationships are built on feelings built over time, not feelings that occur in the moment.

I second once removed in not pushing for a second chance at this moment. It might be better to work on building trust within the context of a friendship (maintaining the appropriate distance, of course) and seeing where it goes from there. That also includes your trust for her.

Can you share a bit more about the "hard time" and what behaviors on her part were causing you to react?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[tudx]

Hi RolandOfEld and thanks for support.

I have to give you a some context:

Firstly I'd say she's a well functioning BPD person. The worst is that she cuts and burns herself sometimes, but not often. Apart from that she has bad periods, when she wants to be completly alone and good periods when she wants to be as close as possible.

Secondly there are my emotional problems. In primary school I learned to hide my emotions in order to survive. I lived most of my life this way. She was the one, who helped me unlock my feelings (this is the first romantic relationship for both of us). But when she asked for more space I started to suppress them once again.
After we 'broke up' for the first time (we didn't tell anyone and no one even noticed) i promised that I won't try to get close to her (she asked for it). Later I found out that she was angry because i kept that promise.

When we started dating again she was unstable. Her mood was sometimes changing a few times a day. Once I started suppressing my emotions it was extremely hard to stop it. Because of that she was feeling lonley and abandoned.
I gave up on some other important things in my life to focus on her, but she accused me of beeing selfish. I was lost. We both were.

When I started my therapy she said that it's the only reason she's still talking with me.
After that there were some beautiful moments and some disappointments, but I felt like she was waiting for me to make any mistake.

Now it's better, but she don't want to be together.
She told me the reason, why she don't want to meet me more often: because she's afraid that she'd want to be together once again.

I'm going to meet her in a few hours. Maybe I'll understand this situation better after that.

[tudx]

Update:
During last week we met 3 times and talked a lot. She's still unable to fully trust me. Right now it's impossible for us to be together.
She is aware that she keeps sending contradictory signals, but she's not doing this on purpose.

I've done everything I could. But I have to live my own life. I'm still working on myself and we ale still talking everyday. I don't know what's going to happen, but I have no expectations.

Conclusion:
It has been a tough experience. I learned a lot and now I'm a better man.
I read a lot of stories here and I'm aware that my situation was by no means bad. My problems were insignificant and I didn't even realise it.

Once again thanks for support.
I don't have much experience, but I'm going to stay here. It would be great if I can help anyone to avoid my mistakes.

tudx

[pearlsw]

Conclusion:
It has been a tough experience. I learned a lot and now I'm a better man.
I read a lot of stories here and I'm aware that my situation was by no means bad. My problems were insignificant and I didn't even realise it.

Once again thanks for support.
I don't have much experience, but I'm going to stay here. It would be great if I can help anyone to avoid my mistakes.

tudx

Hi tudx,

Thanks for the update! It is always nice to see people growing and learning in such difficult and confusing circumstances. I am sorry things aren't exactly as you'd like them to be, but I am impressed at your willingness to take your own insights and turn around and want to help others. What a super attitude you have!

I am not sure people always realize it, but the tools here can help you with any relationship so it is worth the effort to stay here, read, learn and discuss about them. These ideas can help you if this relationship works out, or if you start another one someday!

Have you incorporated any of the tools you've heard about here into your experience of relating with or understanding her?

wishing you love and happiness, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

It has been a tough experience. I learned a lot and now I'm a better man.
I read a lot of stories here and I'm aware that my situation was by no means bad. My problems were insignificant and I didn't even realise it.

Hi tudx, like pearlsw I'm also sorry things did not go exactly the way you had hoped. But I think you've done an excellent job salvaging the lessons from the situation and turning a negative into a positive.

As long as your problems cause you pain, they are in no way insignificant. Probably not too many people close to you have been through an experience like you have. Regardless of where your relationship goes in the person, you now have unique knowledge you can apply in all areas of your life.

In what ways would you say the experience has made you better?

~ROE

[tudx]

pearlsw, RolandOfEld thank you for your kindness.

Until now I was able to stop my defensive reactions. I also stopped blaming myself for everything (I'm still aware that I made quite a lot of mistakes) and began to understand her behavior better.
I'm still reading lessons here and learning a lot. I'm going to keep doing this. It's a great way to improve myself.

It was the first real failure in my life. It helped me understand consequences of my actions and now I'm more responsible. I also began to improve the relationship with my father. It's not a bad outcome

PS: Today she realised that for a few months she didn't have any suicidal thoughts. It's quite a change and we're both happy about it

[once removed]

hey tudx 

you know, my ex was not my first girlfriend, but at 21, she was my first adult, and long term relationship. its been many years, but i learned the tools and skills here, i use them with everyone in my life, and i still learn lessons from my relationship.

i agree that its a great idea to stick around, learn, teach, discuss, and you never know what will happen down the road, be it with her or someone else... .we will be here to walk with you at every stage.

keep learning. youll be light years ahead of your peers.