New: She had affair because she feared I'd leave, can't look at her the same

[Whatisforgivenes]

I am new and attempting to type this on my phone. My wife is BPD also diagnosed with bipolar 2. For 15 years this has been a challenge, but one I've been determined to see through.

BPD was not diagnosed until about two years ago, and neither of us learned much of anything about it until very recently. Life has been chaotic and she essentially slipped through the cracks of the mental health care system, and I failed to learn anything just being caught up in the maelstrom. Then over the last eight months, her behaviors became even more erratic and terrifying.

We took some hard hits with job loss, moving into a less than ideal apartment, etc. and I became the frequent target of her displeasure on a near daily basis. Most of the time I had no idea what I had done nor how subjects changed or were related. Many times she simply screamed at me that she was broken.
Usually by the end, she would threaten to leave and/ or commit suicide.

Fast forward to her finding reasonable employment again, and things seem to be improving. Until she informed me that she had had an affair, because SHE feared that I would leave HER.

I know that these behaviors are inherent to BPD in general, but it does not remove that knife that I feel, nor does that knowledge fill the proverbial hole that I now feel-- despite her obvious regret, sorrow, and declarations of love, I don't know how to move on and forgive. Particularly because of the details themselves: I had warned of the third party's intentions; she secretly maintained contact with him despite my request otherwise; we were not separated, I was providing all income, and had even just gotten her an emotional support dog-- thus my difficulty in rationalizing her stated fears of me leaving.

There's more flesh to be added to what I've summarized here, but regardless of everything else I am learning about BPD and how to cope with it, knowing what I am willing to endure and support in that area, I just don't know if I can forgive or, God help me, look at her the same. Our entire adult lives and our kids lives were built on the 15 years of trust that we had, that I no longer feel; worse, possibly, that I feel I was robbed of. Any advice would be welcome. I have never felt so confused in my life. Thank you.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Whatisforgiveness,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. How long ago did you find out about the affair?

It is perfectly normal to feel hurt and mistrust after finding out about an affair. You can start to heal from it, but before you do that, you will probably have a lot of emotions to work through. Once the initial intense emotions are mostly passed, then you can begin thinking about the future and what that means for your relationship, such as what will it look like for me to forgive her. But until that time, focus on you and on self care. What do you need right now? How can you get what you need?

[pearlsw]

Hi Whatisforgiveness,

Sorry for the pain you are feeling! I hear that you gave a lot to this relationship, many wonderful things really such as the support dog, and financial support. Sounds like you were concerned early on and had she listened and heeded your advice this painful outcome might have been avoided.

It is not easy for any relationship to recover from this, but with BPD in the mix there are extra challenges to be sure!

Don't rush on forgiveness I would say. It is normal to feel hurt, confused, disappointed, uncertain, distrustful, all of that. In time forgiveness will come from inside you. You don't have to forget, but finding forgiveness, and finding if you can remain together are choices. Either option is understandable and okay!

I've read that for couples who do stay together the relationships can often be better... .so I would also consider mourning the old relationship in time, it won't be the same (but that's okay), and being willing to welcome a whole new one that you work to build. There will be pain, but if you both make it through this, it could introduce a chance for growth. I am just so sorry that it has happened!

My SO, from his religious beliefs, told me once to "be glad for all the good and bad in our lives." I thought that was such a powerful statement. I know you don't feel "glad", but in my case, I found that despite all I've suffered through in these last years that I had the strength to try to make myself better, and I embrace all the good and bad because the bad stuff helps you grow. Maybe there will be something out of this tough experience, in the long run, that you can find some value in because it helps you grow.

I hope I have not offended you or added to your pain! I wish you the best!

Where do you see this heading in the future?

with compassion, pearl.

[Whatisforgivenes]

Thanks tattered heart. I learned of it almost two months ago, but so much else has been going on I haven't had much time to process it. Shortly after my wife confessed, she attempted suicide, and DHS stepped in and had them temporarily placed at my mother's. I went through detox (37 days without a drink now), we've all started therapy as well as marriage counseling. It was really once we got the kids back, mostly permanent, and no longer have most of my attention on that that I started focusing on the affair.

Thank you for your advice. As for what I need? I'm not sure really. I'm only 35, 15 of them with her, so honestly aside from knowing her and our boys are ok, loved, and provided for, I haven't really thought about it.

[Tattered Heart]

Wow! That's quite a lot on your plate in just a short period. Congratulations on 37 days sober. 

Are your feelings of unforgiveness solely related to the affair, or could there also be some towards her about the suicide attempt and getting DHS involved in your home?

Learning to cope with life sober is a huge learning curve. You may be forced to look at situations differently and become overwhelmed with lots of various emotions that you could previously hide with drinking. Is there a hurry in making a decision? Could the affair be something you begin to work through after a little more sober time under your belt, maybe even once you reach some of the higher level steps (assuming you are doing a 12 step program)?

[Whatisforgivenes]

Hey pearl (didn't mean to neglect you, simply ran out of time I promise) thank you also. I'm quite ambivalent regarding our marriage going forward. I love her as I always have, if not more than ever just with the fondness that has matured. However, her naivete displayed throughout this ordeal is what has me most troubled. She's even now trying to do mental gymnastics to convince herself that he cared. He had a crush in high school, but never got out of the friend zone. Then he began talking to her mid crisis, which is when I cautioned against talking with him, especially regarding any problems we had between us. Obviously she didn't heed this. Anyway, she never learned where he lived, didn't know that he had a longtime girlfriend whom he is buying a house with, knows nothing else but that he works in oil, drives a big truck (which is where they did their bad deed), was in the army, and had a cheating ex wife. He even cautioned her after their affair to "not bring drama to his 'doorstep'"-- then, when I informed his gf (learned of her reading through wife's texts with a friend that took place after the affair, and well, Facebook) and my wife had blocked his phone number, called said text friend in a rage, saying that he had to lie to his gf and explain that my wife was just a crazy b**** from high school. And this gf had never heard of my wife- hardly sounds like he ever intended on rekindling a friendship he had been relegated to. Sorry if that was too much information, but this is anonymous so what the heck right?

You have not offended though, so please don't worry. I do hope you are correct in that in time I will find forgiveness. I am certainly mourning the old relationship, but finding the silver lining in all of this is the most daunting part, I think. I am not religious at all, though I do not deny the possibility of a higher power- from which some illumination and strength would be appreciated. Regardless, I do need to find ways to better myself moving forward. In the end, I'm still conflicted as to where we go from here. I want it to work out, but still have reservations as to how I fit in this future, and the demons I battle of my own creation aside from the massive one I feel I will fight indefinitely that my SO brought forth.

[Whatisforgivenes]

Tattered,

I feel that yes, the affair is really what I have a hard time with. DHS was a result of both of our behaviors that night, although to be honest, it was a culmination of months of her erratic behavior. I do not resent her for that, though. The attempt... .To be completely frank, I don't feel that it is anyone's place to tell another that they aren't allowed to go if they are indeed that determined. Seek help, explore other avenues and possibilities, of course. But I don't judge another's call on that front.

As for quitting drinking, I requested antabuse while in detox. Several days ago I stopped taking it as I was alarmed by some side effects. Other than that, I have had only my willpower; I'm not involved with aa or any other organization at this juncture, but I do expect that I will reach out if I absolutely feel the need. I've already pinpointed times and locations that they meet for that purpose.

[iadfa]

I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.  I AM NEW TO THIS SITE.  I READ YOUR STORY BRIEFLY.  I FEEL YOUR PAIN. MY WIFE FOR YEARS NOW HAS BEEN LYING TO ME ABOUT HER AFFAIRS.  SHE CANT EVEN ADMIT THEM TO ME (EVEN THE ONES I KNOW).  I FOUND IT DIFFICULT AT FIRST AND I COME FROM A VERY CONSERVATIVE BACKGROUND.  I HAVE ONLY BEEN FINDING OUT ABOUT HER PERSONALITY DISORDER FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS AFTER SPENDING THE LAST 26 YEARS FIGHTING AND ARGUING WITH HER. 

[pearlsw]

Hey pearl (didn't mean to neglect you, simply ran out of time I promise) thank you also. I'm quite ambivalent regarding our marriage going forward. I love her as I always have, if not more than ever just with the fondness that has matured. However, her naivete displayed throughout this ordeal is what has me most troubled.

Hi Whatisforgiveness,

Oh, no problem! Glad to hear back from you though!

Yes, affairs are a messy, messy thing and a lot of relationships don't recover from them whether BPD is a part of them or not. With BPD I think you have some extra challenges.

It sounds like you have a lot of the details of what happened and even initiated contact with the other party involved - his girlfriend.

I know it must be hard to understand and trust your wife. It would be hard to know what to expect from her in the future based on her handling of this. It is good that you are reading here.

In a nutshell would you say you are working on forgiveness and want to keep the relationship? But for now you need to work through the pain? It sounds like she is not really able to help you much with getting through this? (that is to be expected)

Can you discuss more this point about her being naive? Naive about men? Relationships? Life in general?

with compassion, pearl.