Just learned of her new relationship. Need support

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After planning a life together, and telling me I was the love of her life and her soulmate, I was discarded after my partner turned into someone I didn’t recognize. She became controlling, detached, and nitpicked my every move.
She ended the relationship without emotion, stating she wasn’t heartbroken, but would think of me and the moments we shared with fondness.
She said she couldn’t picture a future together because we had different approaches to life. She also said that she felt she was meant to be alone because she couldn’t make it work with me and I was everything she thought she wanted in a partner.

I just found out a few days ago that she was been seeing someone since the breakup - a long time friend of hers that is NOT her type.
She has been posting it all over social media like an adolescent child.
My ex always told me she never posted pictures on social media with partners and that I was the first one (because I was the love of her life).

Needless to say, I am devastated. I feel betrayed, sick to my stomach, deceived, manipulated.
I wrote her an email calling her out on her horrific actions, on the fact that she had been abusive, and the fact that she was completely disrespectful to me and the relationship we shared, considering we were just planning a life together and I was going to relocate my entire life to be with her.

She called me the next day and I expressed how awful she was,’ how unwell she was, and that everything that we shared was truly a facade. I was just another casualty in her path of destruction.
She broke down and admitted she had borderline (or traits of it) and said : “I’m just dating. You don’t know what goes on in my head and in my life day in and day out”.
There was no remorise, no empathy.
She ended up hanging up the phone on me and texted me “I’m sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry I couldn’t have a future with you. Please let me be. I wish you well”.

Then I was blocked.

I am ruminating over her and this other person... .how she could just run into someone else’s arms so quickly after she had wanted a life with me and stated that I was the best thing to ever have happened to her.

I don’t know how to make this pain stop; how to not take it personal or obsess over her and the other person.

[allbymyself7]

After planning a life together, and telling me I was the love of her life and her soulmate, I was discarded after my partner turned into someone I didn’t recognize. She became controlling, detached, and nitpicked my every move.
She ended the relationship without emotion, stating she wasn’t heartbroken, but would think of me and the moments we shared with fondness.
She said she couldn’t picture a future together because we had different approaches to life. She also said that she felt she was meant to be alone because she couldn’t make it work with me and I was everything she thought she wanted in a partner.

I just found out a few days ago that she was been seeing someone since the breakup - a long time friend of hers that is NOT her type.
She has been posting it all over social media like an adolescent child.
My ex always told me she never posted pictures on social media with partners and that I was the first one (because I was the love of her life).

Needless to say, I am devastated. I feel betrayed, sick to my stomach, deceived, manipulated.
I wrote her an email calling her out on her horrific actions, on the fact that she had been abusive, and the fact that she was completely disrespectful to me and the relationship we shared, considering we were just planning a life together and I was going to relocate my entire life to be with her.

She called me the next day and I expressed how awful she was,’ how unwell she was, and that everything that we shared was truly a facade. I was just another casualty in her path of destruction.
She broke down and admitted she had borderline (or traits of it) and said : “I’m just dating. You don’t know what goes on in my head and in my life day in and day out”.
There was no remorise, no empathy.
She ended up hanging up the phone on me and texted me “I’m sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry I couldn’t have a future with you. Please let me be. I wish you well”.

Then I was blocked.

I am ruminating over her and this other person... .how she could just run into someone else’s arms so quickly after she had wanted a life with me and stated that I was the best thing to ever have happened to her.

I don’t know how to make this pain stop; how to not take it personal or obsess over her and the other person.

[Harley Quinn]

Oh, allbymyself, I'm so sorry to hear that you've had this devastating news 

I found out that my ex was seeing someone else and felt many of the same feelings so I know how awful you're feeling right now.  Disillusionment, betrayal, insult, hurt.  Hang in there. 

It can cause you to question everything about the reality you thought you experienced, but try to remember that the good things you had were real for you at that time.  For her as well.  It's just that it changed for her.  That's part of her condition and her actions are how she copes.  It isn't personal towards you and I know that doesn't take away the pain but it hopefully can prevent you tearing yourself down wondering what you did to deserve this treatment.  You don't deserve this.  You gave it your best shot and it didn't work out.  It is deeply painful, but the pain will pass.  Just give yourself time.  And a whole heap of extra kindness and self care.   

As awful as this is to experience, looking back it was the thing that helped me to finally let go of hope.  Maybe it can be that for you and help you to move on in time.

Love and light x

[Educated_Guess]

Hi allbymyself,  I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I've also gone through some similar emotions as my pwBPD ex is making it a point to share how great her life is without me.  It is a hard thing to take on because it not only makes you doubt yourself but makes you question if your relationship was even real.  It just seems unfair that your ex can move on as if they have lost nothing when you are still struggling.

In my case, my ex has latched on to new people who are fulfilling her immediate needs for acceptance and supporting her.  She is in the honeymoon phase with them.  These relationships are still new so there hasn't been enough time for them to disappoint her yet or for them to realize what she is really like.  It's just all bliss for her right now.

What I realized about that is that when I was devalued/discarded, I was made the villain in her life. She needed someone to blame for why she was not happy and why she struggled.  If she didn't have someone to blame, then she would have to take some responsibility for herself and she couldn't do that. So I became the scapegoat.

All the bliss she is feeling now probably just proves to her that I was really the problem and there isn't anything wrong with her. But this is just illusion.  The honeymoon phase will end and she will be forced to face herself again.  This is a pattern she has repeated over and over again in her life.

But that still leaves me dealing with the fact that I am still dealing with the pain of the breakup but she has moved on and is having a wonderful life.  How do you reconcile that?  One thing I've realized is that because I am still going through the pain, that means that my emotions are real and my love was real.  The fact that she is able to forget and move on so quickly means that it wasn't real for her.

That seems like a painful thing to admit at face value, but when you look deeper at it, you realize that it says something good about you.  You are able to love.  You are able to give of yourself in a relationship.  That shows what kind of person you are.  The fact that she cannot love shows what kind of person she is.  This means something.

Another way to think of it is that you are working through the worst part of it right now because you actually feel what you are feeling instead of denying it or distracting yourself from it.  You are getting the worst over with now so that you will be able to love yourself and maybe be able to be in a more fulfilling love relationship in the future.  The future will get better for you as long as you continue working on yourself and on healing.

She going through what will be the best part for her right now.  She has distracted herself with someone new so that she doesn't have to work on her own problems.  But that fantasy will only last so long before she has to face herself and her problems again.  She is not doing the work that you are doing to make the future better.

If you had to choose between two options, 1) going through the worst part now so you can have a better future or 2) going through the best part now even though it will all fall apart in the future, which one would you choose?  Which do you think is the better option in the long run?

[allbymyself7]

You’re right - thank you for this.
As excruciating as this pain is, Id rather go through it now and have a better future. It’s difficult sometimes, however, knowing that I’m suffering day in and day out and she goes on without mourning the loss of what I thought we had.
She stated she had never been so happy and that I changed her life.
I was the center of her world, and then suddenly, I wasn’t. And I was replaced.

What I take personally here is that for the last couple of weeks of our relationship, she was always on me for something - whether it be my career, errands, plans - I could never meet her expectations.

She left me and is now with someone much older, not her type at all, but has a PhD. I guess that’s what’s important to her.

[Drs204]

Going through much the same thing right now too. She broke up with me about 2 months ago saying "No time for a relationship right now with the new job and the kids". (She is also a widow with 2 young boys). We can talk and be friends.

The talking turned into a couple texts a week if that, down from 200 per day during our relationship.

A month later blocks me on FB. I found out via a friend she has a new BF.

Well, what? I sent her an email and text asking if she had cheated, lied etc. She said she met the guy a week before. What?

So now there is nothing. I have spent the last two weeks learning about BPD as she is not really diagnosed but I know enough about her to say for sure she is. I have been split black and blocked. I did text her today apologising for things I said, and also to forgive her for what she did. This is the first text for either of us in 2 weeks. I am not expecting a response as she probably has my number blocked but it feels good to do so. I doubt she has any concept of forgiveness but that is another matter. I also told her I would be there for her in the future if she wants to be friends again. I had blocked her on FB as well for a bit as I was afraid she might become vindictive. I unblocked her and told her so.

I know her new relationship will not last as she just met the guy the week before. But then with her husband they had sex on the first date, moved in within two weeks and were engaged in three months. They had a lot of problems in their marriage.

I have been concentrating on myself. There is nothing I can do for her. Doing the things I enjoy, researching this BPD and understanding what went wrong and that there is nothing I can do about it.

I suggest you do the same. Look after yourself. Get back into the things you enjoy. Go for a trip. Whatever you need to do.

Understand you are dealing with someone with the emotions of a child and they are very irrational. 

[JNChell]

Hi, allbymyself7. I can relate to how you’re feeling, and I’m sorry for the pain that you’re feeling. It is absolutely overwhelming and I get it. I understand. I want you to know that it will get better. How do I know? I’ve experienced it. More than once.  

After planning a life together, and telling me I was the love of her life and her soulmate, I was discarded after my partner turned into someone I didn’t recognize.

This sounds par for the course. Have you had a chance to read other posts? It’s pretty amazing how similar the stories can be around here.

I’m glad that you found us, but equally sorry that you had to.

After planning a life together, and telling me I was the love of her life and her soulmate, I was discarded after my partner turned into someone I didn’t recognize.

Why do you believe that your ex has BPD? I’m assuming you’ve done searches over the web, but tell us what you’ve discovered. This will help us, help you.

My ex was talking about having another child with me a week before the final discard. It has been very hard to accept, as well as having to remain connected to her because of our S3. But it’s ok. Things have gotten better. Things will get better for you as well.

Needless to say, I am devastated. I feel betrayed, sick to my stomach, deceived, manipulated.

This is normal and ok to feel. You are justified in your feelings, and I empathize. We did all that we could, didn’t we? We pulled from everything to try to make it work.

I wrote her an email calling her out on her horrific actions, on the fact that she had been abusive, and the fact that she was completely disrespectful to me and the relationship we shared, considering we were just planning a life together and I was going to relocate my entire life to be with her.

I called mine out too. To the extreme. It only caused trouble.

You made life plans with your ex. You were all in. I know the hurt that you’re feeling. Do you feel any relief in the fact that you didn’t make the move?

They’re always “dating”. Try not to take it personally. I know how hard that is. We gave ourselves to them, and they crapped on it.

I had an ex tell me that I ruined her as far as romantic relationships go, that she wouldn’t be able to be with another for a very long time because of me. She was with another the very next day.

They’re running scared, man. We don’t have to.

[allbymyself7]

When I told her that she had textbook symptoms of BPD and that 2 therapists I had seen said it’s most likely she had it, she admitted that she had it. Her words “and so what if I have it. Why are you trying to make me feel bad about it? You know there’s no cute, right?”.
I replied that I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad; I was merely stating that she was hurting people in her path of destruction.

I told her she was abusive and that she was a terrible person. She broke down and cried.
However, at the end, she hung up on me, and texted me “sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry I couldn’t have a future with you.” Never has she had any remorse or been accountable for her hurtful actions. Even though she has been so disrespectful toward the end of our relationship and after (she threw keys at me, told me she hated me, turned everything around on me, discarded me and told me she was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me).

At this point, yes, I do feel glad I didn’t move there. However, I’m not sure how to stop missing the good we had (it was the most intense, loving relationship I had ever been in). Never had I felt so adored and wanted.
Rationally, I know she is unhealthy, cruel, and sick. She truly acts like a child. How do I stop missing/wanting this person who I know is not good for me?

[JNChell]

It’s because we miss the (love bombing) early stages of it. You were loved up in a way that was new. You were validated and allowed to validate back. You had emotional freedom with this girl... .until you didn’t. She was a switch, wasn’t she? On/off. Our biology reacts to this. It’s a chemical thing. When you felt good about her, your dopamine levels would rise. When she made you feel bad, your cortisol levels would drown the dopamine. Knowing this, what do you think your mind and body went through while trying to stay with her?

[Wickit]

Going trough pretty much the same right now! Keep your head up!

[Cromwell]

Rationally, I know she is unhealthy, cruel, and sick. She truly acts like a child. How do I stop missing/wanting this person who I know is not good for me?

I think the more rationality and researching BPD went on, the more it became a very useful alternative to confronting the emotional pain that needed to otherwise be faced.

"she cheats on me" im getting used to it - its part of her disorder
"she badmouths me" - her disorder.
"hacks my phone, email, and stalks me all day" - disorder

She used her disorder as a trump card each time and will forever do - why bother going through the (unquestionably) hard slog towards therapy, getting better, when there is no shortage of enablers out there. Each time a relationship gets sabotaged "sorry its just how I am - good luck getting over your hurt, ive got my own issues to worry about".

Getting over my hurt I - did - without her help, and so will you. Going back to drink from the same toxic well that makes us ill is not only irrational, but to miss the person that caused it is very unhealthy. If youd like my short cut way to getting over this - consign her to history mentally and physically - today.

I think at this moment the possibility of a recycle is strong - you still want her back yet unsure why. I can relate, in the midst of the confusion and hurt - it seemed to have her back and "hope" for a return of the "good" times would heal those wounds. It did temporarily, but over 2 years that followed of more hurt topped on what already started - I wish idve drawn a line under it all there and then, realised Id made a mistake - she wasnt really what I thought she was - confront the emotional pain and done some damage limitation.

Forget about the other guy as well, you get posts in abundance here of otherwise succesful, intelligent people, his having a Phd or being older will have little bearing on how he fares with her, beyond if there is a big gulf of difference between them, hes just fooling around. If on the other hand he falls for the same love-bombing - prepare a coffee for his arrival here.

[allbymyself7]

Thank you everyone. I’ve never felt such pain, such betrayal, such darkness. I didn’t realize people were capable of such cruelty.
There’s no way I could have ever imagined her wanting to walk away from me - it still feels impossible to this day, and it’s been 2 months since the breakup.

To know that she ran into someone else’s arms right after - someone who she would never usually date, is just mind boggling to me. It’s truly like the relationship never existed at all - and she always had said the times spent together were the best times of her life.

All of this doesn’t make sense. It’s completely irrational.

[Drs204]

Thank you everyone. I’ve never felt such pain, such betrayal, such darkness. I didn’t realize people were capable of such cruelty.
There’s no way I could have ever imagined her wanting to walk away from me - it still feels impossible to this day, and it’s been 2 months since the breakup.

To know that she ran into someone else’s arms right after - someone who she would never usually date, is just mind boggling to me. It’s truly like the relationship never existed at all - and she always had said the times spent together were the best times of her life.

All of this doesn’t make sense. It’s completely irrational.

Completely understand. Mine was pretty much exactly the same.

Her reason for breaking up was "No time for relationship with work and the kids." (she is a widow... .added to the BPD... yikes... .). Barely a month later blocks me on FB and has a new BF. I found out via a friend.

Not logical, not rational, not anything makes sense. But it all makes sense in their minds. We have to remember it is like dealing with children who have not developed emotionally yet. They didn't and are stuck at 4 or 6 or 8 years old emotionally. At that age they do things like that. "I don't love Jimmy any more but I love Johnny" or whatever.

[SerendipityChild]

I think at this moment the possibility of a recycle is strong - you still want her back yet unsure why. I can relate, in the midst of the confusion and hurt - it seemed to have her back and "hope" for a return of the "good" times would heal those wounds. It did temporarily, but over 2 years that followed of more hurt topped on what already started - I wish idve drawn a line under it all there and then, realised Id made a mistake - she wasnt really what I thought she was - confront the emotional pain and done some damage limitation.

We went through recycling for last 4 years, and I was always hoping this time would be sweeter. There's always a timer for it. And I start in my mind counting down- sort of become an exercise for me.

[SerendipityChild]

They’re running scared, man. We don’t have to.

Very true... .this helps me a lot. Thank you, JNChell.

[SerendipityChild]

Her reason for breaking up was "No time for relationship with work and the kids." (she is a widow... .added to the BPD... yikes... .). Barely a month later blocks me on FB and has a new BF. I found out via a friend.
Not logical, not rational, not anything makes sense. But it all makes sense in their minds. We have to remember it is like dealing with children who have not developed emotionally yet. They didn't and are stuck at 4 or 6 or 8 years old emotionally. At that age they do things like that. "I don't love Jimmy any more but I love Johnny" or whatever.

Mine said he didn't deserve me. That I deserve someone better. But weeks prior to discard I had this gut feeling that he met someone new via his job. Call it a woman's intuition. So he tells me to find someone else- only because he did and does not want to feel bad about it.

[tornANDfrayed]

I told her she was abusive and that she was a terrible person. She broke down and cried.
However, at the end, she hung up on me, and texted me “sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry I couldn’t have a future with you.” Never has she had any remorse or been accountable... .

Rationally, I know she is unhealthy, cruel, and sick. She truly acts like a child. How do I stop missing/wanting this person who I know is not good for me?

Sorry to hear of all this. I know how difficult making sense of this (foolishly attempting to) can be.

You've probably read up on this and have noted these things but one big thing that is a common trait of most BPDs (if not all) is their self loathing/lacking sense of self matched with black and white thinking. Her having to wrap her head around the fact that she's being abusive and a crummy person is too much, which made her break down and cry. Many BPDs have heard these things from people/partners in their pasts and have major issues coming to terms with what they're doing. Many will put up walls and project as if you're the unkind,cruel one just to relieve themselves of the idea its them.

So, that being said, I think the post hang up text of "sorry you're hurt... ." is at least some acknowledgment of all the wreckage. Useless or bland/unsatisfying as that may sound I think its probably more than a handful of ex partners may receive. Whether its totally sincere or how it felt for you Im not sure. But it does read to me (I don't know the full story of course) as someone who's acting inexcusably but is mentally trapped and somewhat self aware. My BPDex fitting that mold very much with the acting childish and dozens of other common traits.

It sucks, its absolute torture, I know! You're talking about a very sick person and its just feels impossible to fully grasp that at times. Wishing you the best!

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Sorry for the pain bro but please please please listen to all these fine folks, including me. Same pattern, same heartless ending, same pain for me, you and them. One thing to hold onto, this will pass. May not feel like it at the moment but it will. Just don't think about harming yourself, I did think about it but a good counselor and maybe an antidepressant can make the world look brighter. Won't take the pain away but WILL help you recover, and recover you will.

[Hadenoughtimes4]

One more very important point, stop contacting her immediately. Read up on No Contact and follow it absolutely. Bar her from FB and your phone, what else does she have to do to you to prove she cannot love in the sense that we nons do?

[Harley Quinn]

I’ve never felt such pain, such betrayal, such darkness. I didn’t realize people were capable of such cruelty.

Hi allbymyself,

How are you doing at the moment?  What ways are you finding to help yourself?

Love and light x