BPD ex came to my house today, still hostile. I feel nothing but forgiveness.

[BasementDweller]

 

Most of you here know my story. It looks a lot like yours, I imagine. 

For the last several days, I have felt as if I don't hold a grudge at all. I miss him and the good times we shared, but I don't hate him, and I'm definitely not even angry with him anymore. At least not today, not now, not for days.

Late last week I went out with colleagues from work, and temporarily lost my phone and its "holster" which contained my bank card, ID, transit card, etc... .everything. Scary moment! It had fallen off the table and behind the wall radiator in the restaurant but was found the next day, and returned to me. Everything was intact. I had canceled my bank card, because I thought it had all been stolen. The new one arrived today in the mail, but went to our previously shared house.

He sent me a few terse emails wanting to drop it off to me. He finally told me to respond within 10 minutes, because he had "unblocked my email" as a courtesy. You know the drill. ;-)

I told him that was fine, and thanked him, and said I'd meet him at the door. (I was legitimately thankful that he did this instead of steal it or throw it in the trash.)

He brought it over, was cautiously polite during the hand-off, and reminded me that I still had some stuff at the house. I said, "Yes, I know, how should we handle that?"

And... .of course... .the hostility started. "I want all your stuff out of my house! Just get it out!"

I held firmly, no emotion, did not take the bait. I let him speak, then calmly said "Ok, sure. Can I have your cooperation to allow me into the house to collect my things, then. How would you like to do this?"

"[My name] I don't know! It will be a long time before I ever feel ok about helping you with this! I have to go!"

In other words... .an impasse. Again. I nodded, and said, "I know. Thank you for dropping off my mail."

He said, with watery eyes and visible tension, "The pin code will come separately. It always does. I'll bring it over." And he left.

Something changed in me today, even though it was already starting to happen. I realized that the hostile and defensive words that come out of his mouth seemingly out of nowhere don't ever really reach his eyes.

He says whatever he has to say to keep me behind emotional barbed wire, but when I stopped listening to the words, and just searched his eyes instead, I saw so much pain, desperation, panic, and vulnerability, that I couldn't muster up anything besides compassion and forgiveness. He looked like a wounded child or a battered dog to me today. Not the angry man he sounded like. Not the "scary BPD guy" that used to ruin my days. He didn't seem threatening at all. Just lost.

I felt strong and in control during this exchange today. Unaffected... .but he was seriously struggling. I think today was the first time I ever truly understood that. The imbalance between us. How I always had the upper hand in the sense that I am not perfect, not undamaged, but essentially healthy. He isn't. I fully felt it. Maybe for the first time ever, I was able to intrinsically feel his pain and how deep and destructive it always is for him. The torment in his eyes today will haunt me for the rest of my life. Those eyes that used to look at me with such love and tenderness. Today, they looked at me like a wounded animal who feared I would issue the final blow that ended him. But nothing has changed. I have always been the same person. I would never hurt this person - or anyone. But I now fully understand that he is convinced I would, I can, I have, and I want to... .and there's nothing I can do to change that. Even if nothing could be further from the truth.

The only thing I COULD feel was compassion and forgiveness at that point. I will be fine. I'm sad. I hurt. I miss him. But I am actually fine. For the most part. He doesn't seem to be. I wish he were. I hope someday he will be.

[pearlsw]

Hi BD,

Ah, another exquisite piece of writing about such a painful topic. You remind me of how I saw the world after a pretty dedicated meditation practice many years ago. I could see this in everyone, all the pain. It is a powerful shift to make towards others.

This sounds like a great step on your path towards healing!   

It is so hard to believe, I've heard more junk than I care to recall myself, but it's amazing when you realize how much of it is just the voice of deep inner pain and not really personal.

warmly, pearl.

[spero]

Hi there BasementDweller,

I held firmly, no emotion, did not take the bait. I let him speak, then calmly said "Ok, sure. Can I have your cooperation to allow me into the house to collect my things, then. How would you like to do this?"

I felt strong and in control during this exchange today. Unaffected... .but he was seriously struggling. I think today was the first time I ever truly understood that. The imbalance between us. How I always had the upper hand in the sense that I am not perfect, not undamaged, but essentially healthy. He isn't. I fully felt it. Maybe for the first time ever, I was able to intrinsically feel his pain and how deep and destructive it always is for him. The torment in his eyes today will haunt me for the rest of my life. Those eyes that used to look at me with such love and tenderness. Today, they looked at me like a wounded animal who feared I would issue the final blow that ended him. But nothing has changed. I have always been the same person. I would never hurt this person - or anyone. But I now fully understand that he is convinced I would, I can, I have, and I want to... .and there's nothing I can do to change that. Even if nothing could be further from the truth.

The only thing I COULD feel was compassion and forgiveness at that point. I will be fine. I'm sad. I hurt. I miss him. But I am actually fine. For the most part. He doesn't seem to be. I wish he were. I hope someday he will be.

I see things have kinda moved on for you to reach where you are right now.
You've also gained that sense of self-awareness and clarity being able to reflect where you are right now and perhaps where he still is.
Stepping away from and then finally taking a look inwardly, often gives us new insight as compared to when we're caught in the storm

How do you feel about where you are right now, after going through the motion of this situation?

As for his response, i can't say all individuals with BPD are similar, but from how you've described him, the terse reply more often than not is an effort to maintain detachment and distance, for to reattach to "you" would probably bring back all the sealed memories he has so forcefully made himself forget. I do suspect this has been the way he has been dealing with alot of issues in his life.

I am uncertain about his dread or fear, but perhaps ( and this is just my understanding and speculation of common BPD traits i've seen ), that you've only returned to get your stuff, and once you're done getting your stuff you're gone again. That from is POV, would mean that he is being "abandoned" again after this. I'm not pointing fingers, i'm just explaining why he possibly has that fear and dread.

But unfortunately, he has also convinced himself and painted a version of how he sees you in his own head. and without the necessary help and healthy tools to regulate himself and that paradigm shift in his heart, it is as you say, a very very difficult task for him. Not impossible, but a very difficult and tough process to go through.

Well, BasementDweller, what you've shown today is that we all have the capacity to have compassion and forgive, that's a step in the right direction. I wished my uBPDexGF well in my heart, and i do hope sincerely that she'd get better... .not now, but maybe many years into the future. I suppose it's not my nature to wish badluck or malice unto people. Thank you for sharing your experience and i do hope you're keeping well and steady.

Yours,
Spero

[MeandThee29]

You did it! Outstanding.

Now don't second-guess. Sometimes I do that, and it has no purpose.

He wanted you to react, and you didn't. You walked away feeling pretty whole, all things considered. Keep it up!

[Educated_Guess]

Basement Dweller, this is so fantastic!  It is a major step forward.  Thanks for sharing!

[BasementDweller]

It is so hard to believe, I've heard more junk than I care to recall myself, but it's amazing when you realize how much of it is just the voice of deep inner pain and not really personal.

warmly, pearl.

Hi, pearl!   Yes, this is so true. I can't say it really made me feel any "better" - but I guess it was a step toward healing. To realize that I am ok with forgiving him, with talking to him and seeing him - and even cooperating with him to be sure our break-up is a civil as possible. I would be his friend. He's not there yet with me, and he may never be. But I realize it is his choice, and I can't let myself feel bad about the way things are now. This is not my choice. I don't want to prolong any discord.

You did it! Outstanding.

Now don't second-guess. Sometimes I do that, and it has no purpose.

He wanted you to react, and you didn't. You walked away feeling pretty whole, all things considered. Keep it up!

Thank you, meandthee.    I second guess myself often, but I am trying not to give into the urge. I think the hardest thing for me is that I would be so ok with being at peace with this guy, even if I have to swallow the pain of missing him and our relationship, and the future I thought we'd have. I'd put aside that my needs and wants were not met, and I was hurt by his discard, merely for the sake of harmony, and to not let the pain eat away at me like a cancer. But he's in too much pain and harbors too many bad feelings to do that - at least right now. Maybe permanently? I don't know. But he has to be feeling much worse than I do right now, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Hi there BasementDweller,

How do you feel about where you are right now, after going through the motion of this situation?

Hi, spero! Thank you for your really insightful words. I feel like the wound is still fresh, and I still feel sadness that the relationship failed. I miss the good side of my partner that I grew to love - the part that was my best friend when he was well enough to be that. But I feel relief that I feel no more anger and defensiveness, and I truly understand that his sabotaging of this relationship came from a deeply rooted place of fear and shame. I did my best, but could not prevent that. In part of working on myself, the only thing I can do is remain calm, with compassionate boundaries, and not participate in any dysfunctional dialogues that won't help anyone. If that saves him some triggers and helps him to relax and come to grips, I'll consider that a victory. Baby steps.

As for his response, i can't say all individuals with BPD are similar, but from how you've described him, the terse reply more often than not is an effort to maintain detachment and distance, for to reattach to "you" would probably bring back all the sealed memories he has so forcefully made himself forget. I do suspect this has been the way he has been dealing with alot of issues in his life.

I saw this quite clearly yesterday, and I agree with you. This is his M.O. - the way in which he protects his fragile inner core. I think that's why I was flooded with compassion yesterday. This man had, up until recently, a caring, loyal, loving, stable, and responsible woman who loved him and his children, and contributed positively to his home and his life. Did we agree on everything? Of course not. Did I always know how to validate him in his darkest times? I'm sure not. But was I a good, conscientious partner whom most people would be able to happily co-exist with? Absolutely. Was I what he SAID he always wanted in a woman? On his good days, he'd admit I was all that and more. He loved my cooking, and thought I was beautiful, and was intensely attracted to me. He appreciated my patience and attention to his kids. He thought I was highly intelligent and funny. He had it all, at least by his standards, but he couldn't trust it. He couldn't relax. He couldn't let me love him and love me back and feel safe in that. Therefore, he lost everything I know in his heart he really did want. That has to be horribly painful, and no way to live. Yet he has to live with that knowledge, and that deficit - my absence.

I am uncertain about his dread or fear, but perhaps ( and this is just my understanding and speculation of common BPD traits i've seen ), that you've only returned to get your stuff, and once you're done getting your stuff you're gone again. That from is POV, would mean that he is being "abandoned" again after this. I'm not pointing fingers, i'm just explaining why he possibly has that fear and dread.

But unfortunately, he has also convinced himself and painted a version of how he sees you in his own head. and without the necessary help and healthy tools to regulate himself and that paradigm shift in his heart, it is as you say, a very very difficult task for him. Not impossible, but a very difficult and tough process to go through.

I think your assessment is correct. I didn't abandon him. In the end, yes, I moved out, but he told me over and over again how much he hated me and wanted me gone. He physically and emotionally shut me out, so I left - after he demanded I do that. I am sure he still feels the betrayal of abandonment, despite that being his doing, and his demand. He wanted me gone, but he's still angry at the fact that I actually am. Nothing I could do right now would be right, or would help. He needs to be able to find the tools to heal and trust and BPD is notoriously tough. Maybe he never will. I guess the one thing I would like to have out of this, (and it may never come, or I may never know about it) is someday the smoke clears in his mind enough to realize/remember/understand that I sincerely did love him. I hope someday he understands that I did not want to abandon him. That yes, he was deeply, truly loved, and I hope he is able to bask in that for a minute, and trust it - even if he never tells me so. I guess if I could have one wish, it would be that he knows that someone loved him. Because he never seemed to be able to believe that.

Well, BasementDweller, what you've shown today is that we all have the capacity to have compassion and forgive, that's a step in the right direction. I wished my uBPDexGF well in my heart, and i do hope sincerely that she'd get better... .not now, but maybe many years into the future. I suppose it's not my nature to wish badluck or malice unto people. Thank you for sharing your experience and i do hope you're keeping well and steady.

Yours,
Spero

I hope the same for you.   One day at a time right? I don't think any of us will ever be the same after these experiences. There have been times when I wished I could erase all memories of him ever existing. But now I realize I do not want that. I treasure time spent with him, and it taught me a lot about compassion and forgiveness... .and my capacity to love - which is bigger than I ever knew. In the end he did not (could not) love me back, or keep any of the promises he made to me. He ripped the rug out from under me and my entire existence at the time, and it turned my world upside-down. I loved him with my whole heart, and it was, in the end, (even if by circumstances beyond anyone's control) thrown back in my face. Yet in retrospect, I can't say I regret my love, take it back, or feel it was any less genuine. I don't regret giving it away... .which in the end made me feel good about myself... .that maybe I am not as selfish as I once feared I might be.

[Drs204]

I have pretty much done the same.

I didn't really clue into the BPD until after she broke up with me. I had googled some of the stuff she was doing some months ago, BPD came up but I dismissed it.

I revisited it after the fact and then it all became clear.

I came to the point to forgive her as I doubt she fully understands what she did. I sent her a text saying so, and also apologizing for things I said. It was 10 days ago and of course I have not heard back nor do I expect a response as I think she has blocked me as she has a new man.

But I still forgive her, and said if she ever wants to talk, I will talk. 

[BasementDweller]

I have pretty much done the same.
But I still forgive her, and said if she ever wants to talk, I will talk. 

Exactly. We've both seen enough to know that pwBPD simply can't have a normal interactions when they are hurting. The strange and inconsistent or avoidant behaviors are beyond their control much less ours. I'd be happy to be his friend again someday if it were ever possible, because he can be a really sweet, funny and likable person. But when the guns are drawn, and someone is painted black - nope. I forgive him, because I don't want to carry that pain around in my heart the way he does. It doesn't help anything.

You're doing the right thing, and someday she may come around and be willing and able to talk. One just never really knows.

[MeandThee29]

Exactly. We've both seen enough to know that pwBPD simply can't have a normal interactions when they are hurting. The strange and inconsistent or avoidant behaviors are beyond their control much less ours. I'd be happy to be his friend again someday if it were ever possible, because he can be a really sweet, funny and likable person. But when the guns are drawn, and someone is painted black - nope. I forgive him, because I don't want to carry that pain around in my heart the way he does. It doesn't help anything.

Yes, I can't image what mine's life is like, so isolated and conflicted. I know that he is very depressed. He claims to be better in one area, but his last email was controlling and focused primarily on him when he was actually pitching reconciliation. I showed it to a savvy friend, and they saw even more red flags than I did.

Mine's health is poor, and he becomes suicidal at times. A therapist told me to be prepared for one of those phone calls you hope you'll never receive.