Hurting right now

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am just in a bad place right now.  I feel moody and a mess, physically out of energy, can’t tell if I am sick, of this is just more stupid migraine mess.  Apparently mood instability is one common migraine issue.  I don’t need this.

H has been poking at me, punishing me, for months over a statement he was competing to win back attention stolen from him.  He admitted tonight he’s not making me an item he swore he wanted to make to punish me for that comment, and for being fat.  He went off on me last week for being fat, he screamed at me while setting up the iPad I got him for his birthday, called me pretty ugly names, it’s late, no where to go or take a break, and I am pretty low right now.  My body is too tired to manage and control my own emotions.  I am not allowed to be hurt at the ‘punishment.’

He is mad I still have headaches.  He can’t handle me being ill.  It interferes with him feeling ok being demanding or lazy I guess.  There is no cure for migraine.  Treatment is essentially expensive and slightly dangerous hit or miss try this drug, now this one, did it work? 

Stress from work, home, lack of adequate sleep and money is making my nervous system create pain.  He is a big cause of my migraines.  I know.  I’m not looking for advice, help with validation.  I made it through tonight, desescalting mutiple times.  The only thing in danger is my heart.  It just hurts.  I am tired of feeling I am worth so little effort.  I know he says he WANTS to do things for me, but BPD makes the fear of failure more important than hurting me up front.  Less effort, and his mind it’s all the same because he twists all memories to be horrible.  I am tired.  How am I supposed to self care?  I have hit so many days these past two weeks where I want to do nothing but cry.  It’s just the personal nature of the verbal attacks and rejections of me, my pain, my needs.  I am tired.  I can’t even feel comfortable letting him know I a, crying, so I need to stop so it won’t show when I go take my shower.  Sorry.  I just needed to write a bit. 

[isilme]

I am just in a bad place right now.  I feel moody and a mess, physically out of energy, can’t tell if I am sick, of this is just more stupid migraine mess.  Apparently mood instability is one common migraine issue.  I don’t need this.

H has been poking at me, punishing me, for months over a statement he was competing to win back attention stolen from him.  He admitted tonight he’s not making me an item he swore he wanted to make to punish me for that comment, and for being fat.  He went off on me last week for being fat, he screamed at me while setting up the iPad I got him for his birthday, called me pretty ugly names, it’s late, no where to go or take a break, and I am pretty low right now.  My body is too tired to manage and control my own emotions.  I am not allowed to be hurt at the ‘punishment.’

He is mad I still have headaches.  He can’t handle me being ill.  It interferes with him feeling ok being demanding or lazy I guess.  There is no cure for migraine.  Treatment is essentially expensive and slightly dangerous hit or miss try this drug, now this one, did it work? 

Stress from work, home, lack of adequate sleep and money is making my nervous system create pain.  He is a big cause of my migraines.  I know.  I’m not looking for advice, help with validation.  I made it through tonight, desescalting mutiple times.  The only thing in danger is my heart.  It just hurts.  I am tired of feeling I am worth so little effort.  I know he says he WANTS to do things for me, but BPD makes the fear of failure more important than hurting me up front.  Less effort, and his mind it’s all the same because he twists all memories to be horrible.  I am tired.  How am I supposed to self care?  I have hit so many days these past two weeks where I want to do nothing but cry.  It’s just the personal nature of the verbal attacks and rejections of me, my pain, my needs.  I am tired.  I can’t even feel comfortable letting him know I a, crying, so I need to stop so it won’t show when I go take my shower.  Sorry.  I just needed to write a bit. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[pearlsw]

Sorry.  I just needed to write a bit. 

No worries, BPD family is your home, you are amongst family here and there is always  ! 

You remind me of how I have self soothed in the shower! I sing to myself even there sometimes when he is acting badly. A lullabye in Spanish I used to hear from my mom when I was little that takes me away to a place of comfort.

Let us all know what we can do to support you!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Vols4555]

It is the BPD speaking and not him... .you know your self-worth and tbh seem like a bad-A to me!

Please ensure you are maximizing your migraine prevention medications as those can be cheap (metopro is dirt cheap and can prevent migraines).  Also, maybe you can get a couple of pills of imitrex and make a migraine diary!  If you determine your triggers, you may be able to take a imitrex and prevent a lot of the pain.  Sumatriptan is the generic name.

I know if those don’t work, it can get pricier even on insurance.  There are other meds that can prevent migraines that are cheap so don’t give up!

[Kwamina]

Hi isilme,

He is mad I still have headaches.  He can’t handle me being ill.  It interferes with him feeling ok being demanding or lazy I guess.

This may be so and it indeed is his BPD talking, yet what he is also doing right now is attacking you when you already feel quite vulnerable due to the migraines. Some people only tangle with others when they are strong, currently your husband is not one of them though as he's clearly going after you while you are vulnerable.

Your health is most important here (physical and emotional), I hope you are able to find a way to at least alleviate the migraines so you'll also be in a stronger position to deal with your husband.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[isilme]

I should have know, I have been running a high fever (102), which always makes me super emotional.  I had a sore throat, but I had to do a lot of speaking yesterday at a committee meeting and I thought it was the cause.  No. I seem to have a cold or other infection. 

Can’t do much for migraines I’m not already doing.  Gotta go to work.  Can’t skip stuff at home because it distresses me and H won’t clean.  I feel worse with a smelly sink full of dishes and over flowing trash than I do exerting my limited energy to take care of it.  I can’t control him or his emotions, but I can control me and parts of my environment. 

Made it to Hs latest specialist visit, he apparently makes two kinds of kidney stones, so we have yet ANOTHER visit for him in two weeks, plus meds to get him on and bloodwork to be done before that.  So I get to call around and see what this will cost and schedule more time off. 

Told him I was sick, had fever, losing my voice.  He expressed concern, seems to be realizing I am sick, taking him to his doc but he can’t seem to reciprocate to do much for me.  I could tell he felt awkward, but I admit I am pretty hurt right now, and will be pleasant as I can, but I a, not feeling affectionate.  I feel like I mean very little based on his actions.  I know that’s not quite true, and I am judging by how a nonBPD person should be.  I’m just tired.  My parents neglected me for years, only wanting me when I fulfilled some need.  I am having some old, disassociated feelings come back from them, and it’s making interactions with H hard.  He repeats, to a lesser degree, the same hurtful actions.

I figured out why the refusal to make me a corset is hurting so much.  Two sets of repressed feelings tied to memories came back, both from age 7.

I was in trouble a lot at 7.  I think my parents had a lot of marital problems, they were always fighting and it was violent.  I think I was an easy target, for them to project on.

I was going to be a butterfly princess for Halloween.  This was the 1980s, so my mom was going to sew me a costume.  She had all the fabric, by her machine.  Somehow, I got grounded from Halloween.  I sat in my room, crying all night, watching other kids walk up to our door while my mom handed out candy.

Weeks later I was playing in the basement family room and came across my moms sewing stuff.  She’d never even made my costume, not even cut it out.  It was all in the grocery bag.  I now have to wonder if that was a factor.

A few months later, I remember being yelled for several evening, for hours each night.  I had trouble in school that year but really honestly cannot recall what I’d done all year to be yelled at so much.

Anyway, it was a short time before Christmas and the nights y’all at the kid episode is done, I am sent to bed.  They continue yelling at each other.  I am later dragged out of bed by dad, taken to the living room and shown all my toys that were to be coming from Santa Claus.  I was still little, had no siblings, still thought Santa was real,so this was confusing.  I was told I was a horrible child and waste of money and it was all going back to the store, go back to bed.

Come Christmas, they DID give me the toys, but I found them hard to enjoy as much after that.

So, this episode hurts I think because it feels smimilar to those exchanges.   Admitted he is punishing me, and I know he is mad losing weight is not easy.

I did not go in to work today, and  at least with a fever I don’t feel guilt over that.  I might be contagious, so I’m doing them a favor by staying home.  I went to bed after Hs appointment, tried to rest. Still feel horrible, will see how tomorrow is.

Thanks for the replies.  I am just feeling weak right now, not myself, not in control of me. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again isilme

It sounds like your husband's behavior indeed triggered some very old emotions in you from way back. Perhaps you've been experiencing emotional flashbacks. You are able to identify the memories now, but it seems that before that you were already very much re-experiencing the old emotions which is reminiscent of emotional flashbacks.

I think my parents had a lot of marital problems, they were always fighting and it was violent. I think I was an easy target, for them to project on.

Sadly, children are indeed very easy targets for disordered parents. How did it make you feel as a child when your parents were behaving this way? What did you do to cope?

Somehow, I got grounded from Halloween... .She’d never even made my costume, not even cut it out.  It was all in the grocery bag.  I now have to wonder if that was a factor.

Yeah, when you connect these dots, it does seem quite possible that this was the real reason you got grounded. Seems like your mother might have taken her own bad feelings out on you.

I am later dragged out of bed by dad, taken to the living room and shown all my toys that were to be coming from Santa Claus.  I was still little, had no siblings, still thought Santa was real,so this was confusing.  I was told I was a horrible child and waste of money and it was all going back to the store, go back to bed.

Come Christmas, they DID give me the toys, but I found them hard to enjoy as much after that.

This was wrong and hurtful on many levels, you were only 7 years old and this really is not a correct way to treat children.

I think it's good that you have identified these elements from your past that are particularly affecting you now in the present dealing with your husband's current unpleasant behavior. If you are/were indeed experiencing emotional flashbacks, Pete Walker's steps for managing them might be helpful now:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

I don't like a smelly sink full of dishes and over flowing trash either! Yet since you have a fever, I do hope you are able to slow down a bit and allow yourself to recover

The Board Parrot

[isilme]

I stayed home from work today.  I hate doing it, I am a minor manager and my boss has hinted that it looks like I am out a lot.  I don’t exceed my time, ever, and don’t think I’m out more than others, but people with kids often get a pass that those of us without kids don’t.

So I’m hoping I can make it in tomorrow, even if I feel like crap still.

I think the feelings from how my BPD mom and BPD dad treated me are coming back, little by little.  I’ve repressed them, and am shocked when a factual memory I’ve been able to recall without much hurt for years suddenly makes me need to cry.  I’ve shoved a lot deep down to just be able to exist I guess.  I see much of my childhood as a movie about someone else.  A friend recently was worried I judged her for spanking her kids.  I tried to explain spanking and beating are not the same thing to me, and mentioned how my dad would get a belt and go to town until his arm hurt or my mom finally made him stop.  I was about 2-3 the first time I can remember this.  She was shocked.  She knew my mom is an addict and bipolar and so I can’t be in contact with her, but had never heard me explain about my dad.  I felt bad for shocking her. 

H is still defensive about punishing me by not making something for me.  I realize my mistake was letting myself believe he would do it.  Years back I’d have never put much faith in it, knowing how his BPD makes him make grand statements and have great intentions... and then let me down.  He’d been doing better overall, remembering birthdays and such, so I’d not been in that level of disappointment for a while. 

I took a quick look at the link you posted, will read more.  Thanks.

[isilme]

How did it make you feel as a child when your parents were behaving this way? What did you do to cope?

Worthless.  It made me feel useless, worthless, a waste of space, unlovable.  I felt it was my job to make them not fight, not argue, and since they both had BPD-type issues, (dad diagnosed manic depressive, mom diagnosed as bipolar), and I was an only child, no siblings in the house or even in the same state, I was alone with them all the time.

After Dad's first suicide attempt, when I was 8, and yelling at him through a bathroom door to talk him down from slashing his wrists (while mom laughed at him, encouraging it) I understood the concept of suicide and was on the fence pretty much from then on.  If I could have found a way to do it and not be found by someone, I'd have done it.  I was very worried about hurting their feelings with my dead body. 

And years later, when I was driven to find this site, a similar amount of pain had me thinking along the same lines, and I could not kill myself in any way that would result in H having to ID me.  I could not leave him with that, which I guess means my guilt complex kept me alive.

There are many things that over the years are unraveling a bit as my brain seems to think I am ready for it, like how my dad may have killed my cat before marrying my stepmom - he said she did not want the cat, but I could not believe after losing so much she'd made me lose my cat, too.  Low and behold, the cat is suddenly sick.  Dad waited for days before taking him to the vet, and made sure to tell me the cat's stomach burst and he died in great pain before the vet could even put him down.  He told me it was all my fault, I must have left out yarn or something the cat could have eaten.   H and I had to take our beloved kitty of 15 years to that same vet, she'd had a stroke, and how quickly he moved, I saw he'd have never, ever let an animal just die in pain.  My parents were BPD-sadists, needing to spew their pain onto me, a child. 

H does the same, just to a lesser degree.  I hurt his feelings, by getting too close to home pointing out he was competing with someone who offended/hurt him last year.  So, he will punish me forever for it. 

[Tattered Heart]

Your childhood story got me choked up. How sad, disappointing. and scary those times must have been. I can definitely see how your H's behavior was very similar to what you experienced back then and why it would trigger those old emotions.

What do you think you need for yourself right now? How can you get what it is you need?

Is your H in a state of constant dysregulation right now or are there glimpses of normal?

I think it's important that you are able to share with him what you are feeling, but it would have to be said in a way that doesn't trigger rejection in him, but also lets him know that you are disappointed that he didn't follow through. If you could tell him these feelings it could help you feel better about things, even if he still doesn't finish the gift. How could you do that?

[isilme]

What do you think you need for yourself right now? How can you get what it is you need?

Is your H in a state of constant dysregulation right now or are there glimpses of normal?

I'm fighting a cold right now, which I know if a big part of my lack of emotional stability.  I stayed home yesterday and tried to sleep all day to break the fever, I can't tell if it's gone or just masked by medication, but I was not running any this morning so I am at work.

I need rest.  And I need to find some way to let go of stress.  The chronic migraines I know are stress related - that's my history, is a daily migraine when stressed.

H is doing okay, then not, it's been a bit of a whirlwind lately.  We have had to make some more dietary changes, which is affecting him chemically, which in turn affects his moods.  He has been worried about his health with both the diabetes neuropathy pain and the kidney stone pain, his own weight gain lately, how he looks, a mini high school reunion, and presentations at work where he is to be in front of 50+ people, so I've been getting lambasted with negativity.  Thank goodness we ruled out 5mm stones in both kidneys as the ultrasound implied and the CT confirmed two 3mm ones that can be dissolved if I can get him to the pharmacy for the meds to do it.  If I can get him to a more even place, I can get some rest. 

[Kwamina]

How are you feeling today isilme?

Growing up alone with disordered parents can be very very difficult for a child. Though I do have older siblings, I lived alone for many years with my uBPD mother and that wasn't easy. I see you've also found your way back again to the PSI board, I think it is indeed a good idea to further explore this there.

Worthless.  It made me feel useless, worthless, a waste of space, unlovable.

I am very sorry the child isilme was made to feel this way  Is this perhaps also how your husband makes you feel when he treats you like he's currently doing?

Your parent's behavior was very hurtful and 100% a projection of their own issues, inner negativity and insecurities and definitely wasn't a reflection of who you really are at all. The isilme I have seen on these boards has a lot of worth and is very loveable  

After Dad's first suicide attempt, when I was 8, and yelling at him through a bathroom door to talk him down from slashing his wrists (while mom laughed at him, encouraging it) I understood the concept of suicide and was on the fence pretty much from then on.

This was a very traumatic event and I can imagine how much this would have affected you. My older uBPD sis has threatened to take her own life several times when I was a very young kid. I clearly remember her threatening to now really slash her wrists as she rushed into the kitchen.

Your mother laughing and encouraging your dad is something I find very disturbing. How did it make you feel seeing and hearing your mother behave like that? How do you view this behavior of hers now looking back on it?

This event also made you understand the concept of suicide from a very young age, even leading you to contemplate the possibility of doing it, also later on in life when you first arrived here all those years ago. Did you ever get any targeted help to manage this specific type of negative thoughts? Would you say this specific type of negative thoughts is now something of the past for you or is it still something you find yourself struggling with at times?

I guess means my guilt complex kept me alive.

Or perhaps a kinder way to look at it is that your ability to empathize with others and how they would be affected and the love you (in spite everything) still had for them contributed to keeping you alive. I am glad you are still with us

He told me it was all my fault, I must have left out yarn or something the cat could have eaten.

If your dad indeed killed your cat, that would be very disturbing. Whether he did or did not though, making you feel like your cat dying such a painful death was all your fault, really wasn't right of him at all. Your dad was disordered yes, but it was very wrong of him to treat you this way. You were just a child.

Take care my fellow feathered friend

The Board Parrot

[isilme]

Hi - I am doing better today.  My cold seems to be almost past, it coincided with a monthly issue that also makes me a basket case and the resurgence of those feelings just got to be too much, the weather has held steady for several days so my head is not a pounding mess, we got H onto the new medication to dissolve the current kidney stones and are hoping the pool is open on our campus so we can get back to swimming.  It helps my insomnia and his neuropathy. 

Yes, my husband's actions can sometimes remind me of how I felt as a kid.  Most of the time, his hurts aren't as bad somehow - or not as long-lasting.  This episode just bothered me longer and deeper than it normally would have.  Usually, I can bounce back pretty well from such disappointments or upsets. this time it felt like a cut that would not stop bleeding.  I am on my own, no family.  I have a few cousins on Facebook, and my half-brothers, but I see none of them.  I didn't meet any of them prior to being 14 years old, some I did not meet till my 20s, and that limited contact ended at 19 when I was disowned.  So I had 'family' for about 5 years of my life.

It makes you wonder why you don't have people think about you, remember you on holidays.  I worry I am cold, mean, because I in turn do not seek them out - they get cards at Christmas, I feel safe doing that, but I don't want to ask for more than anyone feels like giving.  I don't even like asking for a ride somewhere. 

Which goes back to H - I don't want to ask him for anything.  I feel selfish if I do.  I felt very adamant about getting married, and how it had to be his idea, too.  No cajoling.  No guilt trips.  He had to want it, not do it out of guilt, anger, spite, because I "made" him.  Same with this corset and anything else.  Do I think he should feel a little bad for ignoring me, and paying so much mind to everyone else in the world - sure, I'm human and I sometimes want people to eat worms.  But I don't want bad feelings to be a  reason to change what he's doing.  Like if I had a kid, I would rather they kept their room clean because they liked a clean room, saw benefits to a clean room, always find things, can have people over any time, etc.  Not clean "you room so you don't get spanked." 

I think pinpointing one of the original times I felt this way helped.

No, I have not sought out in-person counseling - I find I can't really feel comfortable, again, thanks to Dad.  He put me into counseling at 15 right when my parents divorced, we left mom, and as bad as he is, scary, frightening, I always knew he was more functional and she needed rehab and help, so I painted him white for as long as I could to cope.  Anyway. My sessions were BEFORE his, so I knew nothing I said was actually "safe".  So I made up nice sounding stuff and insisted on talking about TV shows.  I'd learned a long time back with school counselors over sharing meant punishment. 

I used to journal to cope, but Dad photocopied it and mailed it to people when he kicked me out - I was 19, a virgin, and just one year into dating H (yes, H respected my boundaries there).  I'd written about our limited intimate contacts and Dad thought this would show the world I was a whore who deserved no safe harbor, so he kicked me out, cancelled my health insurance as a dependent, car insurance, and when he found my old diary (I'd just started a new one, forgot about the old one) from ages 11-19, he thought he hit gold, and sent all my family AND H's parents the musings of a 19 year old girl.  Considering how easily H is embarrassed, and yes, he still bring this up to this day, 22 years later, it is amazing he was able to move at all past it. 

So I come here.  It's not a journal.  While it's online, this is not a name I use elsewhere.  Anyone familiar with me might be able to recognize me if they read each post, but I think this needle will be fine in the stack of needles around it. 

H let me sleep most of Saturday - unusual for him.  I needed it.  We had an okay weekend, he got fussy here and there but it never over flowed.  I count that as an improvement for both of us. 

Thank you, everyone - sorry I have been nutty.

[Kwamina]

Hi isilme

Thanks for the update and great to hear you're doing better and your cold also seems almost gone

…... makes me a basket case... .

I did notice you looked a bit different the other day:

I worry I am cold, mean, because I in turn do not seek them out - they get cards at Christmas, I feel safe doing that, but I don't want to ask for more than anyone feels like giving.  I don't even like asking for a ride somewhere.

Do you also consider them cold and mean for not reaching out to you? How did your family-members respond after you were 'disowned' by your father? Did they reach out to you then?

Which goes back to H - I don't want to ask him for anything.  I feel selfish if I do.

Why do you think it is that asking for something makes you feel selfish?

I always knew he was more functional... .
…….
I used to journal to cope, but Dad photocopied it and mailed it to people when he kicked me out
…...
... .he kicked me out, cancelled my health insurance as a dependent, car insurance, and when he found my old diary (I'd just started a new one, forgot about the old one) from ages 11-19, he thought he hit gold, and sent all my family AND H's parents the musings of a 19 year old girl.

Yeah, well your dad might have been the more functioning one, his behavior was stil pretty appalling. Has your dad ever apologized for doing this to you or does he still justify it to this day?

I just want to let you know that I find your father's behavior wrong on many levels. When you look back at this event, do you feel like this is still something that affects you now or do you feel like you've been able to heal from it?

Take care and again, great to hear you're feeling better

The Board Parrot

[isilme]

Kwamina,

Ugh - I think H has my cold, now, so I am preparing for fun days ahead.  

I did not meet my dad's family till I was 15 years old.  We were in Lousiana, Maryland, Virginia, Florida, and Tennessee from age 3-15 for me.  They were all in Texas.  Like maybe one phone call a year from the grandparents?  Sporadic birthday cards, if any, one aunt and uncle visited when I was 3.  They were/are strangers.  Most people can't understand this, but they are simply people who share DNA with me, but not much else, outside of a 4 year period.  

(Mom' family I'd met off and on when we could drive to Tennessee, but they were all quite a lot older, and are now all deceased, have been for years.  A few cousins I don't know, one other half-brother on mom's side, born 10 years before me with her BF, given up for adoption.  I met him at 26, but it's really strange.  He expected me to move to Tennessee after he found me, like I'd drop my life in Texas to go live with/near his adopted family).

"His family" means his parents, his siblings, and my cousins, and his sons from wife #1 - my half brothers.  He disowned me, in writing, at 19.  I knew his side of the family for 4 whole years.  They played both sides because disowning your kid and the weird gaslighting and other things he did are normal in his family.  They would fight and disown each other all the time, be manipulative using tears as a tool (Grandma), get the emotional supply they wanted, and so they just thought this was how you treat your kid.  Grandma like to play games with people, and sent me away once when I went to check on her when she was supposed to be ill - she was mad at my aunt, she did not want ME coming to check, she wanted my aunt.  

I have been NC with Dad since I was 19 - he disowned me.  In writing.  He wrote a 3-page letter front and back, in triplicate, and had it sent to my dorm room, my H's apartment (then BF), and to H's parents in another city.  In it, he described how terrible I am how disappointing I am, how I was no better than my drug-addicted mother, how he canceled my health insurance (I was sick at the time), and my car insurance.  H's parents thought he was nuts, but like everyone else, thought it would just "blow over".  Then the diary incident happened, he looked crazier, and my literal fight or flight feelings about Dad made sense to them, and they backed me in staying NC.  

Do you also consider them cold and mean for not reaching out to you?

I don't feel they are cold or mean.  I feel that I never mattered before, why should I now?  

I was a stranger living literally 1000 miles away in most of my life prior to age 15, and I broke the family taboos and did not come meekly back for more whipping.  They did not understand me - I did not act like the other kids in the family, because I knew there were serious consequences for bad behavior and I was scared to skip school, sleep around, or even be late getting home.  I never backtalked, or challenged my Dad (until that one last time when he told me I was not allowed to go to a movie on Valentine's Day with H.  I was in college, and told him I'd really like to go and he said, "fine where do you want your clothes?"  A few days later the letter arrived.)

How did your family-members respond after you were 'disowned' by your father? Did they reach out to you then?

Yes and no.  They love drama and gossip.  I thought they were comforting, then I learned everything I shared in confidence, feeling safe, was being relayed back to Dad.  They could not/would not understand I needed them to not do that.  So I had to just extend NC to all of them - I was very fragile and needed that boundary.  Later, I learned Dad was essentially stalking me and relaying my addresses to his family, as my aunt would call once every few years and try to make contact, but then she'd say something creepy, like "are you in the yellow house still?"  I was not in a yellow house when I last sought her out and was very cagey about my address - she only knew because someone had told her.  I knew I could never relax and would always feel on my guard even with her.  Also, during one of these calls, she tried to console me for "being fired." I was not fired.  I interviewed for a new, better job, got hired and gave 2 weeks at my old job.  I corrected her, and she said, "Oh, it's okay, you don't have to be ashamed for being laid off."  What the heck.   So they already had some intel circulating I was fired or laid off, which was all wrong and insulting.  

I am the only woman on my dad's side of the family to go to college and graduate with a bachelor's - I went on a full 4-year scholarship I earned with my SAT and ACT scores - I broke the curve for eligibility.  I am the only one who never got into drugs or pregnant out of wedlock (save my infertile aunt).  Hell, I didn't even socially drink until I was 24.  At the time I was disowned, I was in the church choir, and was the kid everyone wanted their kids to be out with, as I made sure everyone was home by curfew.

My dad's new wife, #3, never reached out to me at all, even thogh I'd been living in (and cooking, cleaning and providing childcare in) her house for about 3 years at the point I was disowned.  It took me like 15 years to realize this, and almost running into her in a mall.  I pointed it out to H's mom one day, and she was like, "yes, I noticed that but didn't' want to mention it, I was worried it would hurt your feelings."  I was baggage.  Unwanted, unimportant baggage.  

Yes, both of my parents were a nightmare.  Even though they tried, I really think they did, and I DO remember GOOD things here and there, like trips to the movies, attempts to put me in things to "make friends" that they later would sabotage by forbidding me to do things with said "friends", badmouthing "friends" or their parents, they could not overcome their mental health issues.  I grew up in a Karpman triangle, an only child in a house with two disordered, isolating, adults.  Mom wanted a little clone BFF to fix everything she felt she did wrong, I was not to have thoughts or opinions of my own, and I was to wait on her hand and foot so she'd not faceplant (too often) in the yard or fall down the stairs, and listen to her try to chat me up inappropriately about her marriage and adult topics.  Dad wanted a good little soldier, and later, a weird "emotional wife" of sorts.

I am NC with both - mom was the harder one as she used FOG very well to control me and keep me feeling like I have to rescue and save her and take care of her.  When it started hurting H's mom, though, it had to stop (Identify theft).  She is now trying to contact me via social media, I am ignoring her for now.  

I am not sure how much you can heal from all of that.  I've tried.  

I have avoided funerals for 3 family members simply because I did not want to see Dad (I sent flowers).  I did not want him poking at me, in the quiet way he does in public, making me look crazy if I freak out.  He did this in high school when I was in the homecoming court and did not know the time of the crowning of the queen.  He quietly "yelled" at me, the whole time we were standing out there in front of people on the football field.  No one else could hear him, and I had to exert extreme control to simply keep from crying, and walk normally.  I am 41 years old, and still, he is as scary in my mind's eye as the man who'd use a belt on the back, bottom, and legs of a 3-year-old until Mom, who'd goaded him into it initially, finally made him stop.  I am on the Parents/Relatives board now and then simply because I don't know what I am to do when both of there people die.  I have mourned the parents I wanted but never had, the grandparents I wanted but never had.  H's grandmother was more to me in the years I knew her than either of my own grandmothers could bother to be.  

Why do you think it is that asking for something makes you feel selfish?

For the more impressionable 19 years of my life, I was told it was so.  I was left to my own devices a lot of the time - mom was knocked out on pills, dad was at work, I was to be quiet, be ready to get mom anything she needed (we had an intercom), and learned to get myself up and to school completely on my own by age 8.  I was not to ask for help with homework, I got yelled at if I did.  I was given tasks and chores based on height and carrying capacity, not age.  I remember frying bacon on a step stool at age 7, learning to cook a full dinner, (mostly out of a box, but still) by 10.  By 14, I could actually go full days without interacting with my parents other than to confirm I was home from school, did mom need anything.  Dad never helped me move into the dorms, or out.  I lugged my trunks up to the 2nd floor up the stairs, alone.  I saw all these kids with moms and dad's helping.  I just did not have that.  

I kinda identify with Harry Potter, feeling surrounded by a bunch of Weasleys.  BPD made me an orphan in all but fact - they are alive.  

I learned both from my parents and having a BPD H that I should do for me, not ask or ever expect anyone to do for me.  It's a surprise that way when someone DOES do something for me, asked or not, but not a disappointment when they don't or won't.  

Always be prepared if you want something o get it/do it yourself if you can, or to be prepared to not have it if it requires anyone else.  My mistake in this episode was forgetting he has BPD and had a 50/50 chance of letting me down, and would use it to punish me if his emotional state required it.  My mistake was letting it get to me, when I could see how the dominos lined up making him act how he did.  I have a "partner" who can at times be so emotionally disabled he can do little more to help me than a person in a full body cast.  He has an emotional body cast.  Sometimes when he seems high functioning, I forget.  

[Kwamina]

Ugh - I think H has my cold, now, so I am preparing for fun days ahead.  

Well at least your cold is almost gone which puts you in a better position emotionally to deal with the 'fun days ahead' with your husband and his possible cold.

Most people can't understand this, but they are simply people who share DNA with me, but not much else, outside of a 4 year period.

I understand, the people I consider my family are the ones I grew up with or have known and interacted with for many years as family (including some people who officially aren't related to me). Other 'family-members' I know are related and indeed share DNA with me, but the bond does not extend further than that because I never knew them as real family, I just knew of their existence.

I also totally understand why you wet NC with your dad and still are. He treated you horribly and it makes total sense to me that you would take the steps you deem necessary to protect yourself. I would say your father has been a dangerous individual, dangerous for your emotional and mental well-being, considering how he treated you. The letter he sent 'disowning' you and sharing your dairy with others, I consider quite disturbing behavior.

I don't feel they are cold or mean.  I feel that I never mattered before, why should I now?

Well for what it's worth, you do matter to me, that's why I followed you to this board  Yes, even though you only post now and then on PSI, the Board Parrot has not forgotten you!  



The good ole days

I thought they were comforting, then I learned everything I shared in confidence, feeling safe, was being relayed back to Dad.  They could not/would not understand I needed them to not do that.  So I had to just extend NC to all of them - I was very fragile and needed that boundary.

Hmmm... .they really betrayed your trust here. Unfortunately we can't control others, but we can control how we respond to them as you did by distancing yourself from them for your own well-being.

I am the only woman on my dad's side of the family to go to college and graduate with a bachelor's - I went on a full 4-year scholarship I earned with my SAT and ACT scores - I broke the curve for eligibility.  I am the only one who never got into drugs or pregnant out of wedlock (save my infertile aunt).  Hell, I didn't even socially drink until I was 24.  At the time I was disowned, I was in the church choir, and was the kid everyone wanted their kids to be out with, as I made sure everyone was home by curfew.

A lot to be proud of here, some great achievements coupled with exemplary behavior  You weren't appreciated by your dad, but I do see the wonderful kid you were in what you share here.

Yes, both of my parents were a nightmare.  Even though they tried, I really think they did, and I DO remember GOOD things here and there... .
... .they could not overcome their mental health issues.  I grew up in a Karpman triangle, an only child in a house with two disordered, isolating, adults.

They were quite disordered indeed. It's very hard when you're an only child in such a situation, dealing with one disordered parent is already difficult enough and you had to deal with two. I can imagine how incredibly hard this must have been for the young isilme. The young isilme deserves a lot of credit for getting through such a difficult childhood

She is now trying to contact me via social media, I am ignoring her for now.

When you say for now, are you perhaps considering later letting her know that you do not appreciate being contacted or are you considering engaging with her to find out what she wants?

I am not sure how much you can heal from all of that.  I've tried.

What I've come to realize myself and have seen in many members on PSI, is that our healing, more than likely is a lifelong process, to quote Pete Walker: "Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

I am 41 years old, and still, he is as scary in my mind's eye as the man who'd use a belt on the back, bottom, and legs of a 3-year-old until Mom, who'd goaded him into it initially, finally made him stop.

Again something that Pete Walker said might help you with this: "Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)"

I learned both from my parents and having a BPD H that I should do for me, not ask or ever expect anyone to do for me.  It's a surprise that way when someone DOES do something for me, asked or not, but not a disappointment when they don't or won't.  

Always be prepared if you want something o get it/do it yourself if you can, or to be prepared to not have it if it requires anyone else.

I can definitely see how a coping mechanism like this would develop in the environment your parents created for you while growing up. Then later your husband's behavior only reinforced the necessity and validity of this coping mechanism for you.

I don't think you made a mistake by letting things get to you. I think you reacting this way was only human considering your history with your parents, your husband's not so stellar track record and also the fact that you were sick. You could say that because you know this history that you should know better now and expect the worse, but that knowledge and changing of expecttations do not necessarily make it hurt any less when it does happen because it's still an unpleasant event.

Take care my feathered friend

The Board Hopping Parrot

[isilme]

Thanks.  I know this is a lifelong issue, the past and coping with unpleasantness in the present.  I just don't like feeling I am the sum total of just those experiences.  I no longer hide I was abused as a kid, and feel that it needs to be talked about when appropriate, so others know such things can happen.  Abuse grows in the dark, it needs some light.  But I don't want that to be my sole "me" - that abused girl.  It just gets lonely not having your own family, and forever feeling a bit like an outsider, no matter how much other people's families have accepted you (friend's parents can be kind), no matter how long you've been invited.  I guess whatever feeling of "I belong unconditionally" ever existed in me and other people know and take for granted has been burned away.  I try to accept people being nice, but don't expect it, and try not to worry if/when forgotten.  I'm not "real" family, I can't expect to be considered as such. 

I heard a sermon once about being content.  Not joyful, not "happy", but content.  I can't really remember much except a feeling of "rightness" about the topic - joy comes and goes, and happiness means the most when you know what it is to be sad.  Content means you are okay with what comes, and try not to pine for things you can't/don't/won't have.  I suppose it's akin to radical acceptance.  I have been working to radically accept life is what it is.  Sometimes it can be hard, sometimes not, but a roof over my head (haven't always been assured I'd have that, food, some basic comforts and a few people who treat you okay can make it less hard.  I try to just be content.

These last several months, H has just been exhausting to me, his negativity, his unpredictable moods, doom and gloom forecasts and prophecies.  I think Tattered's husband does some of the same things, gets wound up negatively over current events and can't stop the verbal diarrhea.  It wears you down.  And this is all just when he is not actively mad, and trying to provoke me into a fight.  And I got very ill this last winter, not the flu, but needed two rounds of antibiotics and triggered my now chronic headaches.  I had no outlet or escape from it, being tied to the house, sick. 

He DID get my cold, I know he has some unspoken resentment there at me for "giving" it to him, because he still thinks like he's 20 and that one day of exercise will make all the belly bloat go way, so I stopped him from exercising by making him sick.  And his mood is worse when he feels particularly bad.  He also won't listen to the fact what you eat affects your weight far more than any amount of exercise.  He also tends to feel "I went swimming all week" when he went one day.  Feelings = facts.  Why isn't he (and me) skinny yet?

He won't adjust his mindset to being 40, and diabetic, and understand he needs to stop comfort eating.  Done.  Stop.  Don't eat dinner... .  Then go make some toast an hour later.  Then have a bowl of cereal.   And then tell me he doesn't eat "that much".   Then, he will complain his clothes don't fit, and in his anger at his own weight, calls me fat.  I AM fat.  I am working on it. 

And I think my stress levels are a big factor in preventing me from losing weight.  And I think he contributes to my stress levels.  Trying to see what I can do about that - looking into seeing if I need some sort of cortisol adjustment.  It's a very small house, 850 sq ft, I do not have much room for escape or energy to always be out.  I was up late (he was energetic before bed, would not shut up, let me read, finally able to get him to be quiet (was sulky about it) by 2AM.  I need sleep and rest. 

I admit I was up later than I intended partly because the purse idea he had, and a reason he 'can't' make me anything fell through.  So instead of a leather purse with a dragon on it from him for her birthday today, I crocheted a small GoT dragon for her, in about 3 hours.  Then he criticized it, and got mad when I tried to explain it's not easy on a tiny stuffed toy to simply add and change things - it's small, putting small things on it in a way they won't pop out is hard.  I guess he saw it as competing or something since that IS a major mindset of his.  Not "hey you wanted to give her a gift and gave up.  So I made sure she has something because you seemed sad about not having a gift".