How to know when to leave the marriage

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm separated from my husband of 34 years. I believe he has high functioning BPD, he has been jealous our whole marriage of my family, and has accused me of many affairs. I left him a month ago, after he left black and blue finger prints on my arms. He know I wanted to leave so a 2 hour visit to my sister set him off. After all these years he know knows he has a problem. And is getting help. He is a good man if he could keep under control.

My question is how do I know if the relationship is over, he promises everything he will keep going to therapy and  be on medication for the rest of his life.  I have been gone a month and I don't miss him. How do I know if the relationship is over for me. We talk everyday a few times a day, I have had to set a limit of only 4 phone calls a day.

[flameofnd]

I'm separated from my husband of 34 years. I believe he has high functioning BPD, he has been jealous our whole marriage of my family, and has accused me of many affairs. I left him a month ago, after he left black and blue finger prints on my arms. He know I wanted to leave so a 2 hour visit to my sister set him off. After all these years he know knows he has a problem. And is getting help. He is a good man if he could keep under control.

My question is how do I know if the relationship is over, he promises everything he will keep going to therapy and  be on medication for the rest of his life.  I have been gone a month and I don't miss him. How do I know if the relationship is over for me. We talk everyday a few times a day, I have had to set a limit of only 4 phone calls a day.

[pearlsw]

Hi flameofnd,



Sorry you are experiencing uncertainty in your relationship!

There is a very supportive community here who can help you on your journey and you work through these issues!

It is not always easy to know. All relationships are different, unique to us and our partners. That said, how do you feel about it? Are you leaning towards getting back together or starting to see you prefer to be apart?

Would you ever feel safe again after this incident where he left fingerprints on your arm?

How does it go when you talk with him? If he continues to get help does that make any difference in your interest level in the relationship? Do you feel love for him?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi flameofnd, joining pearlsw in welcoming you! I'm in a very conflicted place myself with my partner of 11 years and understand your feelings.

Seconding pearls that that the physical violence issue is one to consider very deeply.

It is wonderful he has realized his problem and is getting help. I think it's less a question of asking whether the relationship is over and more about examining at this point what you can and cannot accept.

A helpful question to ask yourself getting started would be, even if he was 100% cured tomorrow, would you be able to move past what has already happened? Or, if its likely he will be unhealthy in some form of another for the rest of his life, could you accept that?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Cat Familiar]

Roland and pearl have added some important thoughts about questioning your own feelings about this relationship.

You know that he's a good man but you've seen patterns throughout your marriage that have been troubling. At a month away from him, you don't miss him and wonder if his promises to continue with therapy and medication will be enough for you to want to remain in the marriage.

How are the phone conversations going? And that you've had to set a limit on how many times he calls--are you feeling overwhelmed by him and would you prefer to have some days when you don't speak with him?