Isolated and confused

[LCP]

I am seeking emotional support. I have an 83 y.o. mother with BPD and adult child with BPD. Both are angry with my personal limits. I moved an hours drive away from my mother, who has changed her locks, has told me she doesn't need me for anything, made a police report that I took3 pieces of furniture, and the Sherriff notified me, I was not welcome on her property.  This is so shocking to me.  I have spent the past 24 years (lifetime really) being a support person for her.

My 20-year-old daughter with BPD, unemployed uneducated is pregnant out of wedlock and hoping I would provide financial support.  I have set limits that I can be emotionally supportive, but not financially supportive, and she moved out and not responding to me.  I understand on an "intellectual level" what is going on, but emotionally, I feel drained, anxious, preoccupied, and very sad.

[Harri]

Hi LCP and welcome!  i am glad you found us though I am sorry for what brought you here.  You are definitely in the right place to receive emotional support.  You are not alone. 

How long have you known about BPD?  Have your mother and daughter been diagnosed?  Not that it matters though.  Most of us posting on this board have people who have no diagnosis but the label of BPD seems like a good fit. 

What sort of support system, other than here now, do you have?  Do you have other children?  Sorry to hit you with so many questions.  I am just trying to get a better feel of your situation.

We have lots of articles I can refer you to.  things like communication tools and strategies and articles about the disorder.  First though, if you don't mind,  I think you would benefit from an article we have called Triggering, mindfulness and Wise Mind.  I am recommending this because its focus is on self care and learning to deal with difficult feelings.  I hope you find it helpful  It has helped me a great deal when I feel anxious, sad, and even when dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks.

I hope you settle in and read and post more.  Relating to others in similar situations is also very helpful for you too.  As is building a support network.  Don't underestimate the help you can get from an online support community, especially one like this.  We get it here plus we help each other learn to grow and find new ways of thinking about things.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hello LCP

I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through and how draining and frustrating it is. I understand. Many of us have had similar experiences.
 

 Harri made a great recommendation. I hope you’ll have an opportunity to read the article on wisemind.

What sort of things are you doing for the extra self care you need right now? Do you meditate or workout or run... .or?

Sending you positive energy and good thoughts,

L2T

[Cat Familiar]

Hi LCP,
It's so heartbreaking dealing with BPD loved ones who've turned on us for reasons with no basis in fact, in the case of your mother. You're dealing with the "no good deed goes unpunished" consequences of being an emotional caretaker.

It's hard not to take this personally but as you probably realize with pwBPD (people with BPD), feelings = facts. And to try to sway them with facts and rational arguments is worse than useless. You'll frequently see a term here: JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Doing any of these patterns, while reasonable with emotionally healthy individuals, merely pours gasoline of the flames of the BPD fire and results in them building even higher walls between us.

With regard to your daughter, as painful as her choices are for you, you are correct in exerting healthy boundaries. That is undoubtedly no consolation and certainly doesn't assuage your worries for her. I'm so sorry that she has chosen such a difficult path in life for herself and her unborn child.   

Cat

[Recycle]

Hi, LCP  Welcome!

You are not alone in feeling sad.   I am feeling sad for similar reasons at this very moment.

To quote Cat Familiar... .

It's so heartbreaking dealing with BPD loved ones who've turned on us for reasons with no basis in fact, in the case of your mother. You're dealing with the "no good deed goes unpunished" consequences of being an emotional caretaker.

It's hard not to take this personally but as you probably realize with pwBPD (people with BPD), feelings = facts. And to try to sway them with facts and rational arguments is worse than useless. You'll frequently see a term here: JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Doing any of these patterns, while reasonable with emotionally healthy individuals, merely pours gasoline of the flames of the BPD fire and results in them building even higher walls between us.

This is so, so very true and also difficult to remember "in the moment". And when they throw up that higher wall, it is hard not to blame ourselves. With my uBPD Mom, things have gotten so bad that she throws up walls when I make a very simple request. Most recently, that was "I am ready to help you downsize and move to a senior apartment, but when we set up times to work together, please do not cancel our plans." (She is a chronic canceler, keeping only about 5% of her scheduled medical and social appointments).

Be gentle with yourself, and try to work through the steps in the right sidebar. That's what I am doing these days!
 

[Harri]

Hi LCP.  It has been a few days since you posted and I am wondering how you are doing.  let us know when you can.