is it possible that your input may have helped your friend in the long run

[JNChell]

one thing that ive learned is that interference in a persons relationship also causes resentment.

my best friend was in an awful marriage. she cheated on him, he saw text conversations with her talking about wanting to divorce him. she was out all hours while he was worried at home with the kids.

it was awful to watch, and i saw the toll that it took on him. he confided these things in me. i never once said an unkind word about her, never once encouraged him to leave his relationship. i did listen, i did ask questions, and i did show care. ultimately, he did divorce her.

it would not have helped him cope or improved his situation if i sided with him and slagged his wife. it would not have been good for mine and his relationship if i had bashed the woman he loved, the mother of his children. maybe, only maybe, he might have listened to me if i did, and then maybe when he went through the inevitable regrets during the divorce process, as one does, he might have blamed me for the fallout of his marriage. or maybe, had they gotten on a better path, they would have rightfully seen me as a threat to their marriage.

psychologically speaking, did you know that when someone encourages us to leave a relationship, it tends to trigger digging in, entrenchment, and feelings of shame and helplessness?

Once Removed , is it possible that your input may have helped your friend in the long run?

[JNChell]

I don’t agree with you one iota. It’s situational.

[once removed]

Once Removed , is it possible that your input may have helped your friend in the long run?

i detailed what might have happened had i encouraged him to leave his relationship. its also bad boundaries, and bad triangulation.

the input i gave was to listen, to offer ways he could improve his situation when he asked me for it, and to just be a good friend. when he made the decision to divorce his wife, my dad represented him as his lawyer, and i supported him in his decision.

he would tell you thats what helped him in the long run.

[JNChell]

Ok. I see and understand. I empathize to a point. I do have a question. And I’m asking out of sincerity because this site has been a great learning center.

If your input, whether it was asked for or not, would’ve been asked for, and the friendship was open enough to give that advice, would you have given it?

[once removed]

If your input, whether it was asked for or not, would’ve been asked for, and the friendship was open enough to give that advice, would you have given it?

maybe (and probably many years ago, i would have given my opinion unsolicited). because our friendship is very open, we each want the best for each other, and surely if id been in his position and asked him, id have wanted an honest answer and held no ill will right?

that assumes a lot, though. i wasnt in his shoes (married with children), i barely knew his wife beyond the bad things he was telling me. i didnt know what their relationship was truly like, what it was like between them, behind closed doors. i also knew some of the dysfunctional ways he was contributing to the relationship. id seen all the holes hed put in the walls and heard the names hed called her. the fights hed baited her into.

so i really wouldnt have considered myself in a position to tell him "stay or go". my opinion, what i would do, were largely irrelevant. it seemed better for everyone for me to help him reach that decision on his own.

in order to do that, it was most important to get him emotionally centered. i couldnt do that by taking sides or telling him his wife was scum and that he should leave her, any more than i could to say something like "youre a piece of work, no wonder your wife cheats on you!". i tried instead to help him get in touch with his values, and to live them, whether that meant he was dedicated to remaining in his marriage, or if he thought divorce was ultimately the best path for everyone. i listened. i validated the valid. i did give practical advice, primarily on how to clean up his side of the street, stop making things worse, and get on a better path.

the funny thing about a person getting on a healthier path is it tends to lead the person to the healthiest choice, with few(er) regrets.

[JNChell]

Hi once removed.

[maybe (and probably many years ago, i would have given my opinion unsolicited). because our friendship is very open, we each want the best for each other, and surely if id been in his position and asked him, id have wanted an honest answer and held no ill will right?[/b]

I wanted to think about this before continuing to spout off at the mouth. I have a friend, my best friend. He’s the one that basically made me stay with him until I was on my feet again. He and his family saved my life.

He didn’t date in high school, so he wasn’t very attuned to the male/female dynamic. He got engaged to be married over a phone relationship with a girl with 3 sons. This was when we were just legal to go to the bar, and that’s where he connected with her.

The locals went to this small town bar to socialize on the weekends. Well, certain locals. I was one. This girl had become very attractive over the few years since graduating high school. My friend expressed interest in her, but he wouldn’t pull the trigger. In my sexual prowess and beer buzz, I asked her out one night and outlined the date. She was up for it. I wish I still had that level of confidence. My friend became mad. He bloodied his knuckles. I told him that if he wanted to take her out that he needed to do it, and that I was totally backing off. I lost all interest in her when I saw my friend mad like that.

Backtracking a bit, I did spend the night with her once. Clothes on. I think there was just a little cuddling. I remember her boys jumping on the bed in the morning. Too much, too soon.

Fast forward to the phone call I got from my friend asking me if I wanted to be his best man. I told him that he was shi**tting me. He wasn’t. I was his best man. Between the engagement and the marriage, his wife to be told me that she loved, but wasn’t in love with my friend, and that she wished that she would’ve had sex with me. She also told me that my friend had disclosed personal things that were between he and I. This caused a major disruption in our friendship. But, we made it through. We’re wiser now and we talk about it.

He married her, adopted her 3 boys and had a child with her. They had a child together fairly quick. She eventually got pregnant by an affair partner and he ended the marriage.

I told him about her coming on to me after he got engaged to her. It made no difference. It never does, does it? Thankfully, he and I are still bound as brothers. Ironically, our Sirens have the same first name.

[Turkish]

I don't think it would have made a difference with me.  Two of my buddies liked me ex but they are Rescuers also,  and calm dudes. Another barely hid his dislike of her,  but he was glad I had finally "hooked up." He was younger than me but already had three kids.  He ended up divorcing his wife earlier this year after 12 years.  She never liked my ex either. 

My mom never liked her,  and told me much more after we split, and told me she thought my ex was BPD. But my mom is dBPD. She armchair diagnoses a lot of people as being BPD.   

I'm glad that you remained friends with your bro after all of that. 

[once removed]

a best friends wife/fiance coming onto you is a different situation than a friend confiding in you about his troubled marriage.

there would be a lot of context and consequence to consider in such a scenario, things like was it a one off and/or relatively harmless, was i reading too much into it, that sort of thing.

and of course if one does elect to tell the friend, the friend may blame you. i want to stress that if he does, that doesnt mean it was the wrong decision to tell him. i can tell you that if my best friends wife had repeatedly hit on me, i would have not only gone out of my way to avoid that situation, i would likely have disclosed it to him if it didnt stop. at that point im directly involved (even if against my will), and if he ever found out, saying nothing might have looked suspicious.

that, too, is a different situation than knowing/suspecting my best friends wife is cheating on him and he doesnt know it. i dont know that its "right or wrong" to disclose it to the friend, i personally tend to err on the side of staying out.

in your situation? im not sure i would have told him. the two of you (you and the fiance) had some history. (so) she confided some sexual tension and regret. she expressed cold feet about the marriage (not uncommon). inappropriate, to be sure, and not good news for your friend, but assuming you were never going to act on it, it didnt need to be more than an inappropriate disclosure from a soon to be wed who felt conflicted.

[JNChell]

Hi, once removed.

there would be a lot of context and consequence to consider in such a scenario, things like was it a one off and/or relatively harmless, was i reading too much into it, that sort of thing.

It wasn’t. She called me one evening and asked me to meet her after work because she had concerns over the engagement. I agreed, hoping to help. I was sitting in her car with her when she divulged. I told her to lose all hope in she and I. It will never happen. She mixed in how my friend told her personal things about me. It was triangulation. It worked for a bit, but my friend and I survived it.