Setting up T with the intent of leaving plan

[Tattered Heart]

I think it’s time. I’ve tried and tried so incredibly hard for almost 2 years to work the tools, improve myself, and really try to understand BPD. I’ve used sympathy, empathy, validation, detaching, all of it. I had a full year of almost normal behavior with minor flare ups every few months, but we are right back to where we were when I came to these boards. Name calling and weekly rages. Today he raged twice on me about 2 different offenses before 9am. I hadn’t even finished my coffee.

My mind knows that I would be happier and free without my H but there’s something in me that is so scared of taking those steps to leave. I dread the weekends. So many times I’ve been standing there with my keys in my hand literally telling myself out loud to get in the car and drive away, but I don’t.

I’m scared of what that means. Im scared that if I start driving I may not stop. I’m scared that he may hurt himself or the dog. Im scared that if I walk out of the house I will lose my home, fall into bankruptcy, get foreclosed. Im scared that if I leave he will stalk me. I’m scared that he will destroy my stuff. I’m scared I’ll have to wear dirty underwear or go without makeup until I get settled enough to get clean clothes. I’m scared of being a burden to friends by interrupting their lives to sleep on their couch, or worse, I’ll get bed bugs sleeping in a cheap hotel. And lastly I’m scared that after an hour, I’ll just go back home because he’s no longer angry and we just start the pattern over.

So Monday I’m setting up T. My purpose is for me to begin laying out a safe plan for me to exit my marriage, whether that be temporarily for him to get help or permanently. And my goal will be to work through each of these fears so that I am comfortable with each step of the way. This process can takes months or a couple years, but I know that I want a life and I want to live freely.

In the end I may still choose to stay but I want it to be my choice not my fear’s choice.

[once removed]

im sorry its come to this TH. you have worked really hard. whatever happens, i think its important that we be able to look at ourselves and say that we really gave it our all.

i think its natural to have a lot of these fears. you have a solid plan in place, that i think will go a very long way. a good T will work you through them, one step at a time, and we will as well.

[Red5]

I understand your thinking TH, .I myself logged onto; https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists... .and searched my area for a “T”.

I even picked one out, read up on his practice, and was impressed, I even found his office on google map guess, and did a drive by.

Then this “week” happened, now I am sure I should go through with signing up to start seeing this T.

I have been reading your posts for over a year now, like many others here, and like /once removed/ says, you have been through a whole lot.

I was thinking just today, at how much we all work and struggle at this, the energy, the engulfment... .the mental and physical draining... .and like you wrote, we think we might actually “be to a point”; only to have it explode yet again.

This is so frustrating and mentally unerving... .

You are not alone... .hang in there,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry, TH, but you know you’ve given it your all.   

Having been in your shoes before, with the endless list of what ifs, what you’ll discover is that you just tackle each one of them at a time and check them off the list. Of course new ones will arise, but you’ll have a good track record of taking care of business.

Great to have a T on board! I had one after the process and she kept me afloat!

    

Cat

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

Thank you for sharing with us! I know you have worked so hard to make things work and it has been truly impressive.

I hope you keep posting about this part of your journey!

I don't face raging, just a black and white world of extremes and that alone is hard enough to deal with - but rages like this... .that must wipe you out!

How do you think he'll react to this news? Will it be quite awhile before it would come out to him? In my case my SO realizing I was fine with and ready to leave turned him completely around from breaking up and now he is desperate to have me stay. This after him initiating hundreds of breaks.

wishing you the best always, pearl.

[AskingWhy]

TH, you are echoing where I am now.  I am sorry you are going through this and I totally understand.  On one occasion, I got three divorce threats over a period of four days.  

 

My uBPD/uNPD H dysregulated earlier this week (yet again) and broke some wooden furniture so that the pets ran terrified to other parts of the house.   Then he raged at me and slept on the couch for two nights.  He took off his wedding ring during this time, a subtle way of making a divorce threat.  This has been going on for over 20 years.

The dysregulation happened all of a sudden during a heated discussion.  No warning and H exploded.  Naturally, he puts the blame on me that I "forced" him to do it.

H shows me his Hyde side when he is unhappy with himself and the world:  his job, politics, our marriage.  Insults, name calling, broken objects, divorce threats.  Then he shows his Jekyll side to his adult children and gives them expensive gifts to show his undying love:  cars, tech items, designer things, sports equipment, payment of their rent.  

I understand those with PDs, thanks to their poor boundaries, consider children as extensions of themselves.  (No matter they all treated him like crap.  His  X W had custody, and all of his children played him with guilt and blackmailed him for all he was worth.  I was humiliating to see him turned into a slave to his teen children.  They would snap and he would jump.  They also demanded he divorce me.  This was probably because he badmouthed me to them behind my back.)

I am also afraid of what the future might hold if I serve H with divorce papers.  BPDs and NPDs are notorious in divorce cases (high conflict cases) and really go berserk.  We also have pets.  Some time ago, H was threatening divorce and saying he'd burn down the house and I would not get any settlement from it.  The financial part of leaving is a very real consideration.

I have a copy of this book, and you should, too:

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

I am glad that you are making plans, though.  It's a start.  I am currently looking at attorneys in my state that are amenable to what I want to do.  A safety plan.  Take your time with your plan.  Have a safety net.  Simply knowing your can get out when you decide to gives a peace of mind.

H can be very considerate.  He is very sweet with the pets, and they curl up on his lap.  When H splits, though, he screams he will get me out of his life and I can have all of the pets, forgetting the times he snuggled with them, fed them and worried when we had to take them to the veterinarians.

It's called "walking on eggshells" for a reason, and it gets depressing and tiresome in the long run.  \

You might also look at this book, as well.  It's written for the victims of domestic violence and any kind of emotional abuse, "Should I Stay or Should I Go":

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/042523889X/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i2

Read this as well:

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/basic_coercion.html

The reason why it's so hard to decide to leave is the principle of intermittent reinforcement.  We fear the brutality of the abuse, but our Hs can be nice and loving, and that is what he cling to.  It's a form of brainwashing.

Be strong, now, in all you do.  You know what you are up against in all of your time here.  I have read "Eggshells" and I know now not to take the behavior personally.  This does not mean you have to tolerate it in any way, shape or form.

 

[Radcliff]

TH,

I am so, so sorry to hear this.  Not because it's the wrong thing to do, we totally support you, but because I know just how hard you tried and how much you wanted it to work.  You set the bar very high for the rest of us.

I have felt every fear you mentioned.  But I have faith in you.  Your plan to get a plan is the right thing to do.  Take your time.  Let us walk alongside you.

WW

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks for the resources. I'll check those out.

WW your story has inspired me. My goal in splitting would be that he starts to get help so that we can separate with the intent to reconcile.

Yesterday I looked up some T in the area that take my insurance. I was pretty disappointed in the list. I looked up T's for abuse and divorce. Most of them sounded like quacks. It would be hard for me to trust and share with a T that calls herself a shaman or one that specializes in specific lifestyles. I know that they would treat me individually, and those things shouldn't affect how they treat me as a patient, but I need someone that will also understand that I have faith concerns to take into account too.

Woke up at 1am last night and just thought about things for a couple hours. I'm wondering if I should approach my H about us going to MC, but find a counselor that specializes in DBT or personality disorders. I have better tools to use to have this conversation instead of the ultimatums I've given prior to learning how to communicate with him.

My resolve was so strong yesterday as he accused me of going to meet up with another guy because I'm going to visit my mom next weekend and later when he got mad about me not understanding directions he gave me while we were doing some physical labor work. But today in the light of day, I feel my courage weakening. I literally feel like throwing up as I think of taking the next step.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry, TH, that the available therapists don't seem to be your cup of tea. The whole point of therapy is finding someone you feel comfortable with and can fully trust. As you said, their marketing angles may not affect how they might treat you as a patient. Perhaps you might call them and discuss your concerns with them in a brief phone call and that might give you a bit more confidence or perhaps validate your concerns.

Having done therapy with a high functioning BPD husband, I'm not sure that's a good option with someone who rages. I selected a psychologist because I wanted someone with more training because I knew that my husband would try and utilize his superior intellect and put a lesser trained therapist on the defensive.

The year we participated in these weekly sessions didn't accomplish much, other than we were able to communicate marginally better. I finally was able to express my concerns at these sessions without being interrupted, talked over and disrespected. But for him, he thought my sole purpose was to "beat up" on him and after a while he suspected that the psychologist was on my "side."

It was really frustrating that we weren't able to make progress and the therapist saw him dysregulate on a few occasions. One time I had something come up and I suggested he have an individual session. Apparently he got so angry that he walked out after about 15 minutes.

The most valuable thing I got out of this therapy was when I went back to this psychologist a few years later for individual counseling after I was feeling resourceless about my relationship. She told me that my husband had a personality disorder (which I had figured out, in large part from participating here). And so my therapy has mostly been about how to deal with him and manage my own responses.

I've cut back on seeing her. Originally I was seeing her every two weeks, then after a while, it was once a month, now it's four times a year. She has repeatedly tried to fire me, but I like continuing the relationship because she's seen me grow so much and now my relationship is working wonderfully. It's certainly not the relationship I had, but it's nice and we get along well--just not the perfect fantasy I thought I had found.

I hope you can find someone to work with you individually and in addition, find someone with DBT skills for your husband, and maybe you together.

   

Cat

[heartandwhole]

Hi TH,

I think it's very understandable to wobble from one day to the next. You are talking about big changes, and that is scary. I'm sorry that the rages and fear have increased—that is such a tough situation to be in. 

Keep writing here when you can. We are with you every step of this journey, no matter where it leads. The act of writing your thoughts, fears, and feelings out can help.

Have you thought about (or maybe you've done this already?) approaching your pastor (religious mentor) and asking about faith-based therapy/therapists in your area?

heartandwhole

[AskingWhy]

TH, I wish I had more answers for you.  

I agree with Cat.  Finding a counselor who is a therapeutic fit is a lot like dating.  The T has to really have a feel for what you are going through. The last thing you need is to find a counselor who believes, "Everyone has a right to think and do what they please," in a R/S.

H and I tried MC about 12 years ago.  What a farce.  I first met with her in tears and she even offered me the name of an family attorney at the time.  Then she saw my uBPD H in a one-on-one in session.  The next joint meeting was different in character.  At one point, she stood up, pointed a finger at me and ordered me to stop crying and said, "If you don't stop this right now, you are going to lose this man who loves you!  Do you hear me?"  She clearly fell for what H said hook, line and sinker--and H must have made me out to be the crazy one.  H totally charmed her and turned her against me.

In another attempt at MC, uBPD H stood up, gave me an ultimatum and left in the middle of the session, never to return.  The T looked at me with disbelief.  

Go only with a T who totally feels where you are coming from and has a good grasp of Cluster B disorders.  You don't need one who is too weak and clueless and who will fall for the BPDs manipulation.

[Radcliff]

TH,

It's totally natural to be conflicted and to have your feelings and strength fluctuate.  How could you not be conflicted when you've built a life with someone, love them, and want it to work, but the situation is harmful?  I found it easiest to maintain my conviction when I didn't burden myself with deciding the fate of the relationship.  I made a decision that the current state of affairs could continue no longer.  It was easier to stick with that and be open-minded about courses of action for a while.  I planned for a separation, flip-flopped many times while planning, and when the last straw fell on the camel's back, I was ready.  Look at the planning and the doing as separate things.

I'm sorry to hear that the therapy choices are slim.  Keep looking!  I agree it can be tough to find the right one.  The first step is to figure out your objectives for therapy.  What do you want from the therapist?  You may have already done that, though.  What I heard is that you want someone to support you on your journey towards developing a plan to live separately, and possibly to reconcile with your husband at some point.  Is that correct?

WW

[Red5]

Evening TH, and Everyone,

Today I made an appointment to see the T that I found a few days ago, I have not been in a T’s office in about sixteen years!

The appointment is in the morning, I selected an older gentlemen who has a practice here locally and whose bio looked very well accomplished... .

What do I hope to benefit?, well I thought about that a lot today at work, I guess the right word would be validation of my “self” dx of what has been going on with my wife (suspected), ie’ to “shore up” my understanding of BPD... .in regards to my udx/BPD wife.

In a sentance, am I right on the mark, or off in the briar patch... .

I won’t tell her I’m going... .it’s going to be my thing, and I feel it’s long over due, and it’s about me right now, as I really got to the end of my rope with her this last week.

Anyways, good luck in your own T search TH!

Best regards... .Red5

[Tattered Heart]

Have you thought about (or maybe you've done this already?) approaching your pastor (religious mentor) and asking about faith-based therapy/therapists in your area?

heartandwhole

I was thinking of this route a couple days ago. I do know of one really good faith based T, but he doens't take insurance and it would end up being a little more than I can afford at the moment. He was my T after my dad died and my H went to him several years ago, briefly. Last time I set up an appointment with him, he referred me to another lady because I think he felt what I was dealing with in regards to my H needed something a little more intensive. I probably should see if the lady he referred me to is still available. We made some pretty good headway into helping me work through my own stuff and she was essential in my beginning to find new ways of approaching my H. I'm going to see if she is still practicing.

What I heard is that you want someone to support you on your journey towards developing a plan to live separately, and possibly to reconcile with your husband at some point.  Is that correct?

WW

Yes, this is correct. I know my mind is starting to move towards this more, whereas previously, it was only emotion. I would feel this way only after he got mad or we had a fight. Things are quiet (but it usually is during the week), but I'm still thinking about moving forward. I'm not angry at him. I'm don't hate him. I just don't want things to continue the way they have for so long.

I think he can tell something has changed. This morning as I was laying there in bed.
He says "I love you."
Me: I love you too.
Him: Do you really?
Me: Yes
Him: Even when I'm mean?
Me: I don't like it when you are mean, but I still love you.

And it's true. I do love him. I hate the way he acts though. I feel like I'm being a fraud. I'm continuing on with life as usual, pretending nothing is different is going on. If I leave it will destroy him. He will self implode. I'll save that topic for another time. I'm not ready to look at that yet.

[WitzEndWife]

Hi TH - long time no chat. First, I'm sorry you're at this point. I'm there too, but the roles are reversed, where I'd have to kick my uBPDh out of my home. I honestly feel it might even be easier to be the one to leave, because all I'd have to do is pack up and go, instead of forcing the BPD to do something and dealing with the backlash from that. However, I fully recognize that your situation is horribly difficult. I'm glad you're planning to prioritize yourself.

Taking the leap can be scary. Maybe start a journal for yourself and write down all of your fears so that you can set up a plan to mitigate them? Are you able to stash away clothes and money for an emergency exit?

For me, the thing that keeps me frozen in my situation is guilt. Logically, I know I have done everything I could and have bent over backward to try to help him, but emotionally I feel gutted, like kicking him out would be like kicking a wounded puppy. We all have our hangups that keep us paralyzed, even though we are unhappy. I've been working with a therapist who specializes in BPD over the phone (but it is pretty expensive, so it's not for everyone). She has been working on getting me to prioritize myself and regain my own personal power. Her philosophy is, if you start living the way you want to live, instead of walking on eggshells, your mindset will change. Also, your partner has the option to step up and get on board with your trajectory, or it will become clear that they're not a good partner for you. Maybe try visualizing your best life, journaling about it, and figuring out what you'd do if your SO wasn't in the picture. The more you visualize yourself whole and start acting out your truth, I suspect that the less scary leaving will appear.

In the meantime, you always have bpdfamily!  

[Tattered Heart]

Hi TH - long time no chat. First, I'm sorry you're at this point. I'm there too, but the roles are reversed, where I'd have to kick my uBPDh out of my home. I honestly feel it might even be easier to be the one to leave, because all I'd have to do is pack up and go, instead of forcing the BPD to do something and dealing with the backlash from that. However, I fully recognize that your situation is horribly difficult. I'm glad you're planning to prioritize yourself.

Taking the leap can be scary. Maybe start a journal for yourself and write down all of your fears so that you can set up a plan to mitigate them? Are you able to stash away clothes and money for an emergency exit?

I have thought about whether it would be better for him to leave or me. I would handle the responsibilities of keeping our home better, but I also live 10 miles out in the country. We have a 1/4 mile driveway that is literally in the side of a hill surrounded on 2 sides by woods. The hill is the other 2 sides of the house, so we cannot see the road or the back side of the house. I think it would be dangerous for me to stay in such an isolated location while triggering extreme rejection in him. We have renters on a part of the property, but they on another part of the property and cannot see my house from their location.

A journal is going to be very important. This will help me keep track of everything gonig on and to be a reminder of why I'm making a decision. I can easily stash away money. I have a separate account that we use for our farm, but it's a personal account only in my name. He does not have access to it at all. I can keep clothes in my work closet. THis was one of the decisions I made last night.

[XSurvivorX]

Well, TH - it sounds like you are on the right track for the decision that you've made (even if just practicing the plan, or going through the motions like a "drill").  I am sorry for you that it has come to this.  It is really had to leave someone that we love so dearly, who unfortunately is incapable of returning that love in the way that we need to have it returned to us.  But I would say that if you've made up your mind, once you take that first step it will get easier for you to walk once you get off of that muddy trail. Life does get better (take my name, for instance!) and you will make it.

My ex pwBPD threatened self-harm or suicide often. Its extremely unfair, and its such a guilt-trap.  Throughout all of this, he is the one who has chosen to make these decisions and actions (even if he can't help himself due to what BPD does to him).  You chose to make the decisions you did out of love and empathy.  You are not alone!  I am relieved to hear that you at least have a plan, are working through it as a way to better yourself - you deserve that.

I would just caution you about your statement that if you leave, it will destroy him.  I don't know your H obviously, but I felt the same way about my ex.  As far as I can tell she actually moved on with her life, picked herself up and became a functioning adult and member of society.  I was sort of offended by that at first - because I too felt like if I left she would waste away.  Well, she didn't - and I am glad for that.  But I guess I just say that its not always as it seems.

Stay strong, remember that you can have loved and lost - that's ok in life! You are worth what you need to be happy and healthy!

Wishing you all of the best,

[Tattered Heart]

Appointment is set. It's not with the T I went to previously, but it's someone in her building. For some reason, this T is not showing up on psychologytoday's search function, but he does take my insurance.

I can tell there are definitely some serious mental roadblocks for me to get past. I've never experienced this sensation before. I'm having a physical manifestation of a mental denial. I just read an article on things to consider when leaving someone with BPD, how to leave safely, etc.

So I'm just going to do one step at a time. I'm not going to forward think too far ahead of what my mind is ready to process. Today, I can process calling to make an appointment. It's in 2 weeks. I have lived through 14 years of BPD so I'm in no hurry about this. I'm not in danger. Today, I will start writing journaling any emotional or verbal abuse to give me a clear reference for later dates. Tomorrow I will buy a toothbrush and toothpaste to put into a bag. The next day I'll find some clothes to pack. Those steps I can do. Every Friday I'll put a little $ in the acct or possibly go open another one. Those steps needed to be done anyways. 

[Red5]

Appointment is set... .

I can tell there are definitely some serious mental roadblocks for me to get past. I've never experienced this sensation before.

So I'm just going to do one step at a time.

I'm not going to forward think too far ahead of what my mind is ready to process.

I'm not in danger. Today, I will start writing journaling any emotional or verbal abuse to give me a clear reference for later dates.

Tomorrow I will buy a toothbrush and toothpaste to put into a bag.

The next day I'll find some clothes to pack.

Every Friday I'll put a little $ in the acct or possibly go open another one.

Afternoon TH, it is quite liberating to actually take some form of action, at least to me anyways.

This morning I had my very first apt with this T, I think it went quite well, its been about sixteen years since I sought any kind of personal "counseling"... .of course I over thought everything, what all would share, say, and "put out there"... .I pretty much spilled my guts right there on the carpet... .

For me, the thing that keeps me frozen in my situation is guilt.

The gentleman let me go on for about twenty-five minutes, then he asked me... ."why do you stay"... .

I immediately said "FOG"... .yes, this gentlemen is versed in BPD, I established that pretty soon into the session,

... .I stopped after I said "FOG"... .as he asked "so tell me about your fear/obligation/guilt"... .I came out with, its a "logistical thing"... .I own the home, all my stuff/life etc' is there... .its my S31(autistic) home... .he ask me to continue... .he asked me about my W's health, and I guess he knew the right buttons to push, and I kind of broke down a little, .I said, "you know she is stage iv c... .that's not good, what kind of man would I be to leave her, or suggest she leave with this going on"... I continued, ."my happiness has been on hold, stored away, held in abeyance for years now, maybe decades... .I am no hurry, that can wait a little longer"... .

I will be going back next month, I like him, he is older tan me... .I am fifty-two.

... ."first day of school",

Good luck TH!,

Best regards, Red5

[BeagleGirl]

TH,
I, too, have quietly followed your story and admired the way you have worked the tools and learned and grown.  You have been an inspiration to me and others, as well as a source of hope as we saw the improvements in your BPDh.  None of that changes with your current decision.  I hope you know that.  I hope that you can see that this is not a failure.

I have traveled the path that you are about to embark on.  I hope that your heart's desire is met and your BPDh will see your leaving as a wake up call and partner with you on rebuilding your marriage.  Mine did not, but that hasn't spoiled the hope I have for you.

It took me about 7 months from the time I first suggested that we should do a therapeutic separation until I moved out.  I am happy to fill in any details you would like to know about that decision and process.

I did MC with dBPDxh.  At the time of our separation I did not know anything about BPD.  That diagnosis came about 2 months after I moved out.  That's when I joined this site.  We had decided by that point to take a break from MC and just have individual appointments with our T.  I don't regret the time in MC, because it informed my individual T sessions and it really helps that my T has witnessed the dynamics that were in play.  That said, I am cautious about recommending MC.  dBPDxh would seemingly agree with everything being said in the appointment then tear into me on the drive home.  I can still tell you the point on that drive home at which I was usually in tears.  If you are going to do MC, I suggest driving separately and holding firm boundaries about what can be discussed outside the T office.

Your plan sounds very reasonable and well thought out.  It's good that you are taking your time and focusing on the individual steps. 

 
BeagleGirl

[AskingWhy]

I did MC with dBPDxh.  At the time of our separation I did not know anything about BPD.  That diagnosis came about 2 months after I moved out.  That's when I joined this site.  We had decided by that point to take a break from MC and just have individual appointments with our T.  I don't regret the time in MC, because it informed my individual T sessions and it really helps that my T has witnessed the dynamics that were in play.  That said, I am cautious about recommending MC.  dBPDxh would seemingly agree with everything being said in the appointment then tear into me on the drive home.  I can still tell you the point on that drive home at which I was usually in tears.  If you are going to do MC, I suggest driving separately and holding firm boundaries about what can be discussed outside the T office.

Your plan sounds very reasonable and well thought out.  It's good that you are taking your time and focusing on the individual steps.  

 
BeagleGirl

BG, I know well the horrible feeling of going to MC with a BPD.  It was the same with me.

With one T, uBPD/uNPD H had the T eating out of his hand and she teamed with me in telling me what a horrible person I was, and that H was totally entitled to treat me the way he did.  Of course, we did not continue counseling with her.

On another occasion with another T, H gave me an ultimatum to never cross him or anger him again.  As I did not know day to day what would cross or anger H, I did not know how to reply.  H looked at the T, said, "You see, she is not interested in improving our marriage," then stood up and left in the middle of the session.  H went to our car and waited, seething with rage.  The T looked at me and said in all his career no one had ever done that before.   I finished the session and thanked the T for his time.  On the way home, I was barraged by H, telling me what a horrible and stupid human being I was, how I had wasted both his and the therapist's time, and on and on.  I, too, was in tears.   When I cried, it enraged H.  (It reminded me of the BPD mother who beat her small child in fits of rage, hitting the child harder when he cried.  This is from "Eggshellls.")

Since that time, I only went to see Ts by by myself and also in secret.  I don't want H is bully me, saying therapy is a waste of time and I am better off cleaning the house and going to work and get more income.

TH, I know therapy will do a world of good.  Make sure you choose a counselor, again, who knows BPD, and will support you in making the right decisions in your life.

[Radcliff]

It's funny how something as simple as putting an extra toothbrush and toothpaste in a safe place can make us feel safer and better prepared.  And spare clothes in the work closet.  I totally get it.  Get ready one step at a time.

I know there is a lot of love in your relationship, you feel deep empathy for your husband and I don't recall you talking of any violence, at least recently.  I do recall you talking about being physically scared sometimes a while back.  Your mention of concern about how isolated your home is, and how you wouldn't feel safe there, caught my eye.  What would you think about swinging by a local DV place and talking to an advocate, perhaps attending a support group meeting?  I'm not saying the sky's falling or you're in imminent danger.  But you are going to need support.  Perhaps you're a 2 or a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10 (I'm not making that call, just guessing at your frame of mind).  How would you feel about visiting, taking what you can use, and leaving the rest?  This is not a hard push, just posing a question, and asking what your thoughts are... .

WW

[Red5]

It's funny how something as simple as putting an extra toothbrush and toothpaste in a safe place can make us feel safer and better prepared.

... .funny, I have a short story to share; sorry to high-jack for a minute... .

Yesterday was my first T apt in well over a decade and a half, .my marriage is failing, and at this point, I have a "do not resituate" sign hanging across my heart for my marriage, .too much happened last week, the ole' "straw that broke the camels back" thing... .well more like the camel got run over by a semi tractor trailer hauling several tons of bailed hay... .yeah that's what really happened... .why am I kidding myself,

Anyways, a few days back, my W announced that she was going to take one of her former co-workers out for a nice dinner for their birthday... .harmless right?... .I did say "I don't mind", "sure babe!"... .well let me now add a few other tags onto this ... .
*the former coworker is a man.
*she tells me that this person is a quiet man, a humble man, and most likely a gay man (not that there is anything wrong with that).
*she dressed to the nines... .she always looks lovely to me, even when she has me in the black BPD time out box.
*do I care, do I think there's more to it than dinner, and conversation, comradeship, shared mutual friendship... .I really don't care!

I've never met the guy, but she seemed to have adopted him, after she ran two other of her direct reports off (women) due to their perceived (by her) non performance... .when the college was hiring (hired) him... .hmmm?

Anyways (No.2)... .everybody needs a friend, she does not have many, only a few former co-workers from the two career jobs she has resigned from in the last nine - ten years.

She said she feels sorry for this man, as he is miserable in his job, her former office, and that the other women there do not get along with him, she wanted him to feel special on his birthday... .that's fine, and commendable, good for her ; )

Wrote all that to write this... .

Anyways (No.3)... .so me and S31(autistic), we went to dinner on our own, at the local dinner, our fav place to eat, country style dinner/café... .then I went and did a little shopping.

So like the "extra toothbrush and toothpaste"... .I bought myself a new pillow, as last night marked one week on the leather couch in the office (sleeping)... .so I wanted a good pillow, that wont hurt my neck, so I spent $50.00 green backs on a nice pillow... .so there !

highjack over... .

I agree with WW, and forming some kind of contingency plan in regards to your living arrangements being so far out of town... .could not hurt, .and peace of mind is a good thing!

And... .sometimes a new pillow can make a huge difference!

Best wishes, Red5