Shattered and hopeless

[Mrs Saddest]

Hello everybody, this is my first post here. Been reading the messages in the board for the past few days a they made me feel somewhat normal. Why normal? Cause I feel so many different feelings right now and they are truly overwhelming.
My ex broke up with me unexpectedly two weeks ago. We’ Been together for a year. Although we have a big age difference between us, I’ve never felt during the relationship that it had a serious impact on us. We “switched roles” throughout the relationship, in a sense that although I was older than her, many times I felt the yonger and more submissive partner in the relationship. Although our relationship was complicated, It Had some of the happiest moments in my life. I loved (still do) so much. Gave her anything I could, supported her countless times, pampered her senselessly, spent every free moment with her (which caused some friends of mine to drift apart). She was the center of my life. Although she was never diagnosed with BPD, I knew that she had it. She was abused as a child, had a very problem and ambivalent relationship with her mother, cut herself as a teen and expressed suicidal thoughts as a part of her obsession to a friend of her. I was certain I can give her the support she need and somehow “cure” her. What a naive fool I was! Our relationship was like being on a rollercoaster. One year together  felt like 10! It was like she had a checklist of what a couple should attain and she implemented it fast snd intense, in ALL  areas of our relationship. We could have a great time together and then she said something that could totally bring me down. The first part of the relationship revolved around her liking me as friend or as a romantic partner. It was complete torture. One moment she wad totally attached to me, and then she pushed me away. I was so confused and hurt by this behavior. I couldn’t trust her. I always thought that because of her instability and past record of obsessions, she would hurt me by cheating or in other ways. Of course, as most cases,  my personal fears stemed from my own problematic childhood. In retrospective, it was also the reason why I was so drawn to her. She fulfilled my needs and made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread. Because of my trust issues and her instability, I asked her not to be in contact with some people. I’m not proud of that but I knew I need time to trust her. She also controled my social relationship, and didn’t really like it when I spent time with my friends, family and others. She could be the funniest, silliest person and an hour later, the most deflated and depressed one. I knew the relationship was very problamtic, but I suppressed most of the negative sides, because I loved her so much. We talked a lot about our future together. She promised lots of things to me and I unfortunately believed her. And then one day, out of the blue, a week after a great 3 weeks vacation together and my birthday, she came to me and said she wants a break to “find herself”. The break was unlimited in time (a breakup in disguise) and she didn’t explain her reason for that. I was completely shocked. I didn’t see it coming. Sure, we had our share of arguments, but all in all, she adored me, wanted to spend every minute with me, and said she loved me more than everyone of everything in her life. She told me not to be in touch with her, cause in her words she’s afraid to get attachec to me again. She said she’s doesn’t want any obligations and wants to focus solely on her self. As I was the center of her world, I couldn’t believe this! It was like the loving, tender person I knew and loved totally changed in an instant and turned to a cold hearted monster. She didn’t answerd any of my calls, texted back in a cold manner. She said she doesn’t want to be limited anymore (eventhough she was also possessive towards me) and wants unlimited time to herself without me in sight. All her promises to fight for our love and for our future turned out to be total lies. She completely shut me off. A day after she said she loved me! At was as if she erased all the good parts of our relationship and all I did for her, and built a new and highly negative narrative of our relationship. She even said our relationship were too good to her, to an extant she doesn’t need no one or nothing else but me and this scates her. I promised her I’ll do anything for her to give our relationship another chance. I’ll go through therapy, encourage her to spend more time with her family and friends and much more. I turned myself into a door mat for her. But nothing helped. She didn’t want to listen. Locked on her decision. It really frustrated me. I didn’t understand why she was willing to give up on our relationship so fast without so much as a try. I’m totally broken. My friends say it’s a normal post breakup stat, but I feel that it’s so much worst than your average breakup. I just can’t get over this. My mind understands that our relationship were problematic from the start and weren’t really meant to last, but my heart just ca’t let go. The fact that she dumpted me in such a harsh and drastic manner, that was the complete opposite of her usual way, makes me feel so confused and hurt. I don’t know how to get over this. Totally lost and nothing seems to help. I am desperate. Hope you could help me.

[Lostinthedesert]

Hello Mrs. Saddest... .your story is indeed heartbreaking, and so similar to many on this board.  Unfortunately there are no words to truly help you at this very fresh moment of pain, but I will say them anyway... .you will survive, you will gain insight and some understanding of how your ex's disorder makes it impossible to maintain a healthy adult relationship.  We have all been at that moment on our knees crying out and feeling that our world has been destroyed.  Slowly, with lots of personal work it will start to shift.  Allow the folks here to support you and know you are not alone.  I am just now three months post break up and 60 days NC.  I had to finally leave the relationship before it destroyed me.  I decided that my sanity, peace, dignity, and emotional needs had to become the priority.  The tough part is we have to learn to truly believe we do deserve more and that these people are not the key to our happiness.  I hope you can hold on each day until the light starts to shine for you just a bit.

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Mrs Saddest!  Thank you for sharing your story.  There is so much in your story that is similar to my own.  In my own relationship, we went from normal times, totally planning to spend our lives together laughing and having fun, to breaking up and my ex telling me that I never did anything good in less than 3 days time.  I was completely blindsided.

I felt so confused and lost - just like you are feeling now.  It will get better!  This site has a lot of information about BPD that will help you start putting the puzzle pieces together.  The people here on the boards are fantastic and can help you understand things or just be there for you.  You are not alone! 

Please feel free to ask questions or for help when you need it.  We are here to learn together and support each other.  Is there anything that we can do to help you right now?

[Mrs Saddest]

Thanks for you quick and kind responses! It really helps not feeling like a “freak”. Although My friends and family support me a lot, I keep feeling somewhat of a judgment in their voice, saying it’s not different from a regular breakup and we’ve all been through that... .so on. Also they don’t get the fact that I really believed this relationship, regardless of all the negative aspects and my partner’s young age, and problematic acts now and in the end of the relationship, has a future. But I DID! She promised me so many things. She did so many kind and loving acts, just a day before she dumped me! We came back from a great 3 weeks trip abroad just a week before. How could she just erase everthing that’s good in our relationship, and move on with her life, while I’mtitally shattered and shocked. I considered myself the  “stronger”, more experienced person in our relationship, wheras she’s always been the one that said she’d die if I left or something happens to me. Something happened alright, but she seems calm and strong and I’m totally broken and hopeless, trying to find logical explanations to a Illogical behavior and state. Keep blaming myself for everything. I read so many articles on BPD, including on this site and I know, just like I knew from the start but ignored it, that she’s a BPD, but I keep saying to myself that she’s just a young person who panicked and didn’t know how to break up in a more respectful way. I was the one who was hurt and I’m keep finding excuses for her heartless acts. How absord! I guess I just need your comfort, not feeling so alone, naive and stupid, I’m afraid I’ll never have somebody who can love me like she “did” (did she?) and that nothing will ever feel exciting and fun again... .don’t to be stuck pn this condition for years and years... .checking when she’s online, as if it means she thinks of me, waiting for her to “find herself” and recontact me, feeling unworthy... .just wabt to wake up from this nightmare.

[toughday]

Hi Mrs Saddest... Thanks for sharing your story. I understand how you feel as many others will on here too. The confusion and desperate attempts to find a logic to what you are experiencing when there apparently is none. Unless you have been through something like this very few people will understand. The questions that cycle through our minds endlessly, the countless what ifs, could i have done anything differently, did she ever really love me? Then having to deal with being discarded on top of all of that too. Detaching is a very tough process at times and i kniw you feel shattered but i assure you it isn't hopeless.

This site and its resources and stories will help you gain an understanding of why events have happened in the weay they did. Just gaining this understanding has really helped me. There is a logic to what happened its just its hard for a non BPD to see. I liken my relationship with my BPD ex to a drug. There were incredible highs that were amazing but they came at a cost. The lows were the endless push and pull, the rows, the lack of empathy, her inability to see her own behaviour and for me the worst element of all was the person that i became as i tried to cope with it all.

I am 2 months no contact and it is still hard but i am no longer shattered and hopeless. I know its hard rightnow but you will improve. This site is great with a lot of people who are a lot more knowledgable than i. Look after yourself. try to eat well. Sleep, ger some exercise. It all helps. you will improve.

Take care

Ollie 

[Cromwell]

Hi and welcome Mrs Saddest

One of the biggest advantages of being here is for that very reason you identified; this is not the average run of the mill relationship and trying to find someone who has been through the turbulence of going through and ending with a BPD partner is hard to find the understanding unless they have also had experience. My friends gave good solid advice, their judgements were accurate - yet at the same time, they didnt see the full picture of emotions, for a long time, I was so overwhelmed like you describe, that it took me awhile to even figure out what I was going through.

Parts of it will be contributing factors; her age, etc but these are just factors that are unique to relationships in general, pick up a book on relationships as I did, there will be solid, practical, emotional supportive advice; try to apply it to a BPD relationship - the advice in there is often paradoxical, the worst thing you could do.

Im glad you find us and theres support for trying to get to grips with it all.

If she was to contact you tomorrow, asking to try again, can I ask how likely do you feel youd try to give it another go?

[Wickit]

''checking when she’s online, as if it means she thinks of me''

This hits hard! Im still doing this 8 months after our breakup. It's sickening!

[XSurvivorX]

Hi Mrs. Saddest, and like those before me have said, thank you for sharing with us.

I was certain I can give her the support she need and somehow “cure” her. What a naive fool I was!

I am So sorry to hear all of this, but I am extremely glad that you recognize the above. Each of us here on this board may be "fools", but in reality unless you know a good deal about BPD ahead of time, there really is nothing foolish about thinking that your love and care will help the one you do truly love and care about.  Its very human, its very natural.  With a pwBPD however, it isn't possible.  A common trait is this notion that we can "save" or "cure" the pwBPD even once we are aware of this ailment.  

You are no more foolish or naive than anyone else in life.  You saw and felt something incredibly good and you wanted to work hard to express your love and emotions for that person.  Sadly, through no fault of your own, she was incapable of actually being able to return those same courtesies and level of care back to you.

I think that of those of us who had once been in a r/s with a pwBPD, those who had their borderline initiate the exit probably are the ones hurt the most. This is just my opinion and I don't mean to dismiss anyone's pain or experiences.  But from a logical standpoint, those of us who made the hard choice to leave at least had that choice.  And that choice was most likely made after lengthy education either from book smarts (recognizing BPD among other disorders with our partner, and getting smart on it perhaps even with professional help), or street-smarts (the overall experiences continually occurring in our relationship and no longer wishing to stand for them).  Despite our best efforts and whatever immeasurable amounts of love we had, we ultimately had a level of control where we could exercise self preservation.  We were able to process it sooner.

For those in your situation where you were the one left relatively "high and dry", it has to be so much harder since amongst the chaos of the turbulent relationship you get blindsided by them walking out on you.  It has to make you feel like you somehow were the problem, no?  Like you just did not do enough or could have / should have done more.

Well, unfortunately Mrs. Saddest that is not the case.  Regardless of how we end up out of the relationship w/ pwBPD - all of us could not have done, said, been, or tried anything different, more, or better.  It was a zero-sum game.  Your feelings are real, and the good times and happiness were as well. But, what was not real  most likely, was the true person that you thought you knew and love(d). There has to be more under the surface we and even you are not aware of.  None of us may really ever know who that person is.

I guess I just need your comfort, not feeling so alone, naive and stupid, I’m afraid I’ll never have somebody who can love me like she “did” (did she?) and that nothing will ever feel exciting and fun again

I am sure she did, in her own odd, ill, twisted sort of way.   But the "love" she seeks or knows is probably not "love" as you or I may define it.  I thought I was in "love" with my ex, and that she loved me back - I learned the hard way that, this is not what love feels like.  Sure there are many types of love, but if the way that they can manipulate, control, and slowly break you down in order to keep you in a position where they are parasitical... .if love is existing just for that person's sole benefit at your own detriment, then that is not the type of love that I want to be involved with, honestly.  Its almost like Meatloaf... ."I will do anything for love, but I won't do that".  She love bombed you - you fell for it.  It happens to us all! And she love bombed you the day or two before she walked out on you.  That's just the BPD... .

I am extremely sorry for you to hear that this breakup has devastated you.  Do know that you are not alone and that you honestly didn't do anything wrong.  You did everything that you could.  You cannot take away the underlying BPD issues, and trying to reconcile the relationship mentally to find closure may never fully occur.  There oftentimes is so little to dissect or analyze about these relationships that will leave you feeling "good" about it.  

Take it from my name - it does get better, and life does move on in time.  I actually found that for me, I learned a lot about love and life, and about myself.  I feel better equipped having come out of that relationship, it my experiences have helped me be a better me for myself, and for my partner.  Meeting my current wife allowed me to truly see what love really is, and also allowed me to feel those exact feelings I have and give, shared right back with me in the way that I need them to be.

My best advice to you is to seek comfort from those close to you - but do recognize that they will not understand.  Unless you know and lived with a pwBPD, then you never fully will see or understand what it is like to love and live with a pwBPD.  So their "just get over it" lines won't work nor should they.  For your own sake and health, try and see this as a learning experience; the good times certainly were good, and try to take solace in the fact that you had them.  But also recognize the toxicity and unhealthy nature of those other times.  That's just not something you really need to have in your life (and it is not, or ever was your job to "fix" or "cure" her, or anyone!).

I hope you can take some "you" time and have a pleasant weekend.  What do you plan to do with it, by the way?  Do you have any plans or ideas on what you can do to try and clear your head and heart any?

Wishing you the best,  

[Wicker Man]

My mind understands that our relationship were problematic from the start and weren’t really meant to last, but my heart just ca’t let go. The fact that she dumpted me in such a harsh and drastic manner, that was the complete opposite of her usual way, makes me feel so confused and hurt. I don’t know how to get over this.

If I may... .I would suggest starting a journal.  Writing forces one to put thoughts in some semblance or order.  I remember all too well the feeling of dismay, confusion, and darkness when I was ghosted for a week.  No sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think.  My thoughts became obsessive.  Begin with a list of the behaviors she exhibited which were troublesome.  If she does, in fact, suffer from BPD there will be plenty of things to put on the list once you take a breath and think about it --perhaps even during your 3 week vacation.

Last week I went back through an archived message thread between my best friend and I during the time of the ghosting.  It was sobering to look back at my emotional state during that time.  --So much pain and confusion.  She and I  went from talking about buying a house to her no longer responding to my notes.  In 20/20 hindsight I now believe the concrete commitment of us buying a house together stoked her insecurity so she bolted -'I must leave him before he sees I am horrible and leaves me'.

I have come to the conclusion breaking up with someone suffering from BPD is markedly more difficult than a 'normal' break up because of the cognitive dissonance created in the relationship.  She can say one thing, but do another.  She can say something horrible and then not remember it.  Familiarize yourself with the concept of dysregulation.  When my ex would dysregulate she could: rage, ghost people, cheat, suffer from auditory and visual hallucinations, fall into dysphoria (non-responsive depression), cut herself, and rage.  I mention rage twice because it seemed to be a favorite  'go to'... .  I can not even begin to imagine her inner turmoil and pain.

After 9 months without contact, having gained some manner of distance and perspective,  I have come to the conclusion I feel in love with two women.  The one I loved and knew 'Dream Come True' and the woman who hated 'Dream Come True'. 

It has helped me to realize, or perhaps better said believe, when she said she loved me she meant every word with every ounce of her being... .When she raged she hated me with the same passion -and meant every word.  If she drank she could literally forget about us -then there was shame and depression. 

Once again two concepts are important here: congestive dissonance (yours) and dysregulation (hers). 

Someone on BPD Family mentioned something to the effect that time does not necessarily heal -healing occurs only if time is spent in the right manner.  Horrible paraphrase (sorry), but the idea is more or less intact.  --I found it imperative to begin therapy.  If you choose to enter therapy find a therapist who is familiar with BPD.  Mine treats several people suffering from BPD and he has been a godsend in helping me gain some enlightenment.

You need to find emotional center.  For better or worse there is a chance she will come back and you need to figure out what you want and need.  Dream Come True did come back after the 9 day ghosting, which I mentioned above, and I forgave all and continued in the relationship for another 6 months. 

I had been unaware of BPD and made all manner of excuses for her behavior -Youth, stress, being misunderstood, needing a stable environment and so on.  Love does have a curative effect -but if and only if both parties are committed. 

Do your best to get sleep, eat right and force yourself to take a walk every day -even if it is just a short one.  Do your best to not obsess over social media -social media has made relationships and break ups ever more complicated and potentially painful.

I am sorry you are going through this --it is a horrible experience.


Wicker Man

[Mrs Saddest]

I can't thank you all enough for your kind and candid responses. you really make me feel a lot better, even if it is for a while. still better than my current status- tormented.
I'd like to refer to some of your important insights and raise some questions that perhaps you could answer.
First, regarding the question about what am I going to do, if/when she tries to recontact with me, well, I must be honest with you and say that while I fully understand the our relationship has no future, due to her instability and especially because I now feel I can't trust her anymore. She broke all her promises to me. I'm much older than her, and so I constantly feel I should have been less naive and know better. She got me so tangled in her obsessive admiration and love for me that I really thought she'd never leave me. Our motto in the relationship was "breaking up is not an option". I thought it'll make her feel more secure and somewhat lessen her fear of abandonment. It didn't, as it turned out. The sad thing is that along with my rational understanding that nothing good will come out of our reunion, I desperately miss her. I want to see her so badly. feel her one more time. that makes me feel so frustrated and sad. It hurts me so that she erased all the the good and meaningful things I did for her. I suddenly feel so used by her. I feel the urge to contact her and tell her how I feel about what she did and how hurt by her, but I know it's meaningless. If being a total doormat when she said she needs a "break" from our relationship didn't convince her to stay, nothing will. My friends say that she'll have to get rock bottom to come back to me, that's hardly something that will make me feel better about her, as she'll not be coming back for me, but for her.
the weekends are the hardest. that was the time I mostly spend the most with her. I feel that my house isn't a safe and relaxing place for me anymore. every thing reminds me of her and I cry constantly. I try to make plans and spend time with my friends or doing things I enjoyed doing before, but everything seems pointless and dull. lost my lust for life. It's as if I need to reset my whole life and self and learn how to live and enjoy life without her. the absurd thing is we were only a year together and her impact on me is that enormous.
I do think I make a list of the negative sides of her and low points of our relations, as I recently tend to idealize her and focus mainly on the needs she fulfilled for me.
As to my therapist, I've only met her twice but I feel some judgment from her and I'm not at ease in her sessions. I'm not sure how knowledgable she is about BPD, and so I doubt her ability to really help me. I decided to give it a chance for a few more sessions, if only just because I don't have the mental strength to tell another person the entire story.
I hate it that I miss her so much. I feel like these guys that fell in love with those who held them in captivity. Do you believe it's possible that we will be able to keep LC in the future? she's not currently in therapy and I'm not sure if she'll start it in the near future, although she told me in our last texting she wants to do it.
Another thing I'm afraid of is seeing her reuniting with her old "obsession", as she tends to comeback to her when things get though. It will be heartbreaking for me. this girl doesn't want her romantically, and has an tragic history with my ex (started cutting while she was her friend). overall, I dread the day I'll see her with someone new on social media. It was my first relationship with a woman (maybe my last since I've always been attracted to man until she came), and I'm still so much in love with her. I feel so desperate... .

[Wicker Man]

I must be honest with you and say that while I fully understand the our relationship has no future, due to her instability and especially because I now feel I can't trust her anymore... .  ... .She broke all her promises to me.

Write this in your journal.  This feeling may change, but it is real to you now and may be important in the future.

I'm much older than her, and so I constantly feel I should have been less naive and know better.

Stop beating yourself up (please).  I have felt often somewhere my psychology professors must be laughing at me.  We all try to learn, we try to prepare ourselves, however life happens.  I am sure you were doing the best you could in this relationship with the information you had.  I am 52 years old and I threw myself down the rabbit hole.  What is more I am a propagandist by trade --I have been using the idea of fairytale love to sell things to people my entire career, yet I bought into the myth.  Mine was a brilliant artist, incredibly sensitive and funny... .She found me to be the same... .  I feel we both tried the best we could in this relationship, but it failed.

The sad thing is that along with my rational understanding that nothing good will come out of our reunion, I desperately miss her. I want to see her so badly. feel her one more time. that makes me feel so frustrated and sad.

This is natural and something to work out.  The people suffering from BPD whom we loved are not demons -they are people in extreme pain.  They are lovely and terrible, heaven and hell, light and dark.  I have a suspicion the variable reward of these relationships (like a slot machine) makes them all the more seductive.  Variable reward 'trains' subjects (us) the fastest and the behaviors learned are the most difficult to extinguish.  I.e. if I keep pulling the handle I will win again... .

lost my lust for life.

My first post here was something to the effect of 'After walking away from the searing brilliance of her love life seems grey'... .  The grey will subside slowly with hard work and time.

As to my therapist... ... ..I feel some judgment from her and I'm not at ease in her sessions.

Judgement is bad, but it could be the therapist being hard on you.  Take some time to figure out whether this therapist is right for you.  It took me 4 tries to find the right one -it is a very intimate relationship and chemistry is important.

Do you believe it's possible that we will be able to keep LC in the future?

Firstly you need to figure out what your needs are.  If you friend is making bad choices do you want to stick around and see the train wreck?  I could not bare to see what the rest of Dream Come True's life will look like.  She is young and beautiful -it is unlikely she will hit rock bottom any time soon.  I have the deepest pity for her.

Another thing I'm afraid of is seeing her reuniting with her old "obsession", as she tends to comeback to her... .

I presumed this.  As a point of fact this is why I suggested you be mentally prepared for her to come back to you.

I feel so desperate... .

Keep writing.  Live journal here or on paper.  Honestly, get out of the house and take a walk.  As hard as this is there the Sun still rises and sets.  There are still flowers, birds and trees.  I found it incredibly helpful to force myself through the day's routine, even though it was rather joyless at the time. 


Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

Mrs. Saddest,

Over lunch I was thinking back about your posts I recalled you have mentioned your friend's youth several times.  Why is this an important part of the story for you?

Did being with her give you a feeling of youth and you now fear you have lost that vitality? 

This idea is helping me reboot:  Everything I felt about myself while I was with her was already within me -all of the excitement, optimism, and vitality are mine to retap.  No one can give you these gifts, however they can help you discover them.

Currently I am working again at self edifying -bettering myself for my own and its sake.  This had been my modus operandi before knowing her.  It was effortless when I was with her, and I find it taking some time to get back to status quo in life without her. 

Time and hard work are slowly beginning to ease my feeling of grey.


Wicker Man