Emotional Pain while Pregnant

[wateronroad]

We found out we have a baby on the way about 3 months ago.  From the very beginning he has pressured me to have an abortion.  When I made the decision to keep the child, I told him he did not need to be involved if he chooses not to.  He said he feels forced to make it work with me and blames me because I made the choice to keep the child.  Today, I asked him to ask a friend for an umbrella, and he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't want this child, that I'm going to be a terrible mother and that we will just be miserable the rest of our life because I chose to keep this child.  This is always how he reacts.  He is hurtful and vengeful and feels no remorse.  I am not only fearful of the stress he is causing to our baby, but now it is getting concerning about my own mental well being.

We will have a few good weeks, and then he will explode like this and become so vicious.
We currently live together and he continues to ridicule me that he 'allows' me to live there.  I have explored other a home of my own, or with a roomate, but every time i bring it up he makes me feel terrible because 'he deosnt want the baby growing up outside of his house.'

I am struggling with feeling like I cannot win regardless of the decision i would make and am fearful of making the wrong decision.  He is so hostile and unkind when he reacts.  Someitmes he is sorry, but I dont feel he knows any real remorse for his actions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jsgirl360]

BPD's become more dysregulated during times of stress.  A pregnancy... .especially an unexpected pregnancy... .is definitely a stressful situation.

During both my pregnancies, BPDh was dysregulated almost constantly.  He gave me silent treatment for most of my first pregnancy.  I suppose it was the only way he knew how to cope with it. My 2nd pregnancy,  though somewhat expected,  pushed him into a state of psychosis.

It must be painful for you to have to deal with this treatment during such a vulnerable time for you.  Please take care of yourself.  Spend time away from him or with positive people if possible, give yourself time to regroup.

From my own experience, the BPD behavior gets worse after the baby is born. Having a newborn is much more stressful than a pregnancy.  For me, the emotional and mental abuse got worse. There were even threats of physical abuse.  

I would never tell you what to do. But during the next 6 months,  please think long and hard of what you want life to look like for you and your baby.  BPD behavior isn't likely to go away, so it will be a constant with your significant other. As your child gets older, he will possibly emotionally and mentally abuse the child as well.

My boys are middle-school-aged now. We are all in therapy to deal with the effects of my husband's abuse.  My older boy is on meds. Neither have a positive male role model in their lives.  Husband's mental health has deteriorated to the point where he may not be able to work anymore.

If there was one thing I would have done differently,  I would have let him walk out the door all those times he threatened to leave, rather than beg him to stay.

Please continue to post your thoughts. I've learned this an excellent place to come for support and feedback.

[pearlsw]

Hi waterontheroad,

I am so sorry you had to hear such hurtful things!

You have explained what he is saying to you, but may I ask, how are you feeling and what do you want? What do you feel, in all honesty, would be the best thing for you and the baby at this time and in the future?

wishing you the best, pearl.