No one would stay in this if they were dropped in all at once. It’s the slow increase over time until you’re trapped.
stopping the bleeding (not escalating things on our end) is the first step.
couples therapy can be a good resource in terms of doing that. you are probably right about her attitude toward couples therapy. when a couple enters therapy together, it sets up a triangulation situation. typically, both parties, even unconsciously, will work to get the therapist on their side. theyll defend and justify their end of the conflict. theyll vent about their partner with the attitude of trying to fix them. and then everything gets worse.
anticipate this. know that a good therapist will anticipate this, and know how to navigate. anticipate that the therapist may get a good grasp for your partner, and offer a lot of validation. dont be thrown off by it. resist the urge to JADE. start out, at least, by doing a lot of listening. if your partner builds trust and comfort, without being confronted or feeling blamed, shes a lot less likely to blow up or exit the therapy, and youll be on a stronger path.
when do you start?