Giving thanks

[Faith Spring]

Thanksgiving.  My d wouldn’t sit and eat with me and my husband. It hurts, man.  It really hurts.  Reminds me we aren’t a family anymore.  She just kept to her room. 

Now at nearly 1am she’s in there banging and ranting, woke me up and now I’m here writing to calm down cuz every thud scares me.  Earphones and ambien. 

Good news, she did ask for help and I’m setting it up for her, the appointment can’t come fast enough but it’s good news. 

I forget how to calm down when it’s like this. I really just feel like I’m on red alert.  We just sat there at dinner looking at her place setting trying to come up wiTh conversation, it’s a death, it’s a grief, you parents out there understand.  I’m glad for that feeling of being understood even if we’ve never met. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Faith Spring,

I'm sorry your DD chose not to join you for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm glad you came here to write, to calm down, while she was banging in her room. I'm all too familiar with what that's like.

I know what you mean when you say you forget how to calm down when "it's like this." I'm working on self-care, something that doesn't come easy for me. Did the earphones and ambian help?

It's encouraging that she's asked for help. How did that come about?

~ OH

[Huat]

Hang in there, Faith Spring!

You darn right it hurts... .and yes, I understand! 

I think back a few years when our grown daughter had a meltdown on Christmas Eve... .me (her Mom) being the cause of all her problems... .then cancelled Christmas with us.  Christmas morning had my husband and I sitting alone, looking at the gifts under our tree... .gifts we had for her and her family.   What a downer that was!

As far back as I can remember, I used to cringe at the thought of a birthday or holiday coming because of her moods and those being the days when she could get the best-bang-for-her-buck.  Yes, "being on red alert" is a very good description of how I felt, too.

You are so right, Faith Spring, when you write... ."it's a death... .it's a grief" because the sorrow we feel is so deep... .hits at the core of our being.

I disagree with your words... .."we aren't a family anymore."  Yes, Faith Spring, you ARE a family... .just different from the family of your dreams.  That is what you are grieving... .the death of a dream... .not the death of family.

Being a mother to this challenging child of mine has been more work than I thought it was going to be and I'll bet you can say the same.

I agree with Only Human when she tells you it is encouraging that your daughter has asked for help.  WooHoo!   We will all be waiting to hear what transpires in the days/months ahead.  In the meantime, you look after... .YOU.   Remember... .what doesn't destroy us, can make us strong.

Huat

[medianeh]

We just went through the exact same thing.

My dd26 (lives on her own), had a falling out and are not on speaking terms right now.  I texted her on Wednesday and told her that even though there are issues, she was more than welcome to join us for dinner.  (This is also my first Thanksgiving without my mother who passed away on October 3, 2018 - so it was already going to be a hard holiday).  She texted me back and said she made alternate plans.  I responded by saying "no problem".  She did not come, and I did not contact her at all on Thanksgiving.  I texted her yesterday and told her she was missed, and that I hope she had a good day.  No response.

It hurts, no doubt.  I have decided to get myself help to learn how to let it all go, stop enabling, stop being co-dependent, stop giving in to her demands, and stop letting her emotionally abuse me. 

I have my first appointment with a counselor today at noon.  I can't wait.

I understand exactly how you are feeling, and by her asking for help, that is certainly a step in the right direction.

[Faith Spring]

Thanks guys.  I think I better get some therapy myself.  Been in my bathrobe all day, it's 2:00 pm. 

This one just really knocked me on my butt I guess.  She's just not who she was.  I wonder if message boards of families with senile or Alzheimer's disease report similar pain.  Where'd she go, my girl?  Why? 

And I'm lazy.  I just read through a lot of the good info here and realized I have to do work too.  This isn't passive.  If I want her in my life I have to work on DBT just as she does.  I don't want to.  I hate this. 

I could take anything but this.  My cancer, chemo, my husband has cancer now, I was deeply hurt and assaulted by 3 or 4 cousins when I was about 4 I guess,  in the garbage shed my dad built.  I could grow from it.  I did.  I could take the gun to my head and the knife to my throat.  Kept going kept moving kept on. 

This is defeating me.   

[Only Human]

Hi Faith Spring,

I hear you! I hate this too!

You've been through so much, my goodness! Therapy is helping me, along with posting and reading here. I also don't want to do it but the alternative, not having my daughter and grandson in my life, is keeping me on the path.

I like your idea of DBT for yourself and think it would help me too.

~ OH

[Faith Spring]

Thanks only human, I sense you're kind and for me that's all it takes to start turning things around. 

You've got it bad, we all do.  You're right that no one wants to do it.  It's not what we visualized when they were sitting on our laps on the swing set, not even a hint of it when they were wearing their sleeping beauty dresses and butterfly wings.  I would like for science to catch up to this terrible thing and tell us why.   I mean for those of us whose kids were not abused.  Not neglected.  What the heck is going on here? I'm getting kooky ideas like it might be that prevnar vaccine.  I know that's loopy but cmon.  What is it about this generation?  Instagram? 

If they are emotionally immature to the point where they can't stop themselves from having tantrums at 17,18, what the heck happened.  God sorry I'm ranting.  I am angry that my country (America) still looks at brain damage with a stigma of shame.  It's just pathetic and it's stalling progress. 

[Faith Spring]

Well in all honesty it's me who has to get past shame and stop stalling the process.  It's me who has to accept that humble reality - I'm Not enough.  My skills as a mom, the ones that came naturally, aren't enough.  She needs more.  So I'll learn more.  I'll learn these dbt skills.  No sense in blaming America for a wound I can help heal. what one mom can do another can do.  If one of you nailed down some of these skills then so can I.