First post, my story, came out of a relationship, not sure where to go from here

[Moves]

Hi all, have read a few posts on here (and about breakups and BPD in general), was thinking about writing this for a while and thought I'd take the plunge and post my experience and see if I could get any insight on where to go from here.

Short story: I've come out of a short (half a year) relationship with my ex-girlfriend about two months ago, she left. This relationship had a great impact on me (overall a positive one and I came out a better person than before it) and found things very difficult to deal with afterwards as I struggled to let go of the good times. I've been getting better now, but still have a desire to not lose touch with her.

Longer story: This was my first relationship so I'm still learning about relationships in general. I can be a bit socially awkward and not the most confident person so not found it easy to get into a relationship, yet also have a fear of being alone. We met online and then went on dates in person. I took things slow and steady to start and to me it felt like we were just friends at first, taking some time before I developed romantic feelings for her. She on the other hand showed a lot of interest in moving the relationship forward early on (yet without putting pressure on me to do so), with a lot of idealisation going on (I wasn't aware of the concept at the time). I felt a very close connection to her on a level I've never experienced before as I was really able to be myself around her. I stopped thinking I was an awkward or boring person as I may have thought before meeting her.

Somewhere down the line, she disclosed having BPD. I'd not heard of it at the time but with everything going so well I didn't read very much into it. A bit further down the line, things went downhill for seemingly no reason. We're both the sort of people who prefer to avoid conflict so there were no arguments or anything, we'd just go quiet. I began to worry and there was an occasion where I showed a touch of frustration over how things became which I could have handled better (and been less invalidating about). Other than that I feel like I haven't done much to make anything worse, nor have I changed very much as a person from the start to the end. Even when this was happening I remained hopeful that things would return to how they were. But it didn't and she decided to end things.

Feeling lost and depressed, I wanted her back the first few days. Only after those few days have passed I started reading up about BPD again and the 'out of the blue' breakup started to make sense. I realised that getting back in the relationship would most likely not be a good idea long term. However I always wanted to get back in touch perhaps as friends one day, partly as I don't really want to let go but also because this person has had more positive influence on my life than negative. I know people say it's hard to be friends with an ex but I'd still like to try (I've stayed friends with someone I've had feelings for in the past I wasn't in a relationship with without real problems).

It's been pretty much all NC since the breakup, apart from one time I texted first (testing the waters more than anything), to which I did hear back, but then I stopped as the pain of the breakup all came crashing back and I would get anxious as to whether I'd hear back. So I haven't tried again since as I expect this pain to come back if I do. It'd be nice if she initiated something herself but what can I do really. That being said, I kept that first conversation short and believe there is room to try again and make the next one a bit longer.

I've also tried working on myself during this time. It's not been easy as I've lost motivation to get things done in general, but I've tried new activities to meet new people, and finding a new job to progress my career. But these things cause me some pain as well in that as mentioned above I find it difficult to connect with people (I have existing activities where I could go the entire session without saying more than a few words to one or two people). Likewise job searching can be demoralising (which I know to be the case even for the best of us). In fact for the last few days it's triggered feelings in me that this is when I need to be close with someone the most (not sure if it's my ex or just anyone in general). I do have some friends who I've spoken to about this, but I feel like I've unloaded a lot on them already and don't feel all that close to them. Sometimes I just feel empty and have thoughts like 'nobody really cares about me'.

My hope was to work on myself a bit more and try getting in touch again when I'm feeling a bit more confident in general and am less likely to be triggered and suffer from negative feelings. But I expect this to take a long time (perhaps a couple to a few months). It already feels like a long time since the breakup so she would have had plenty of space already. Of course moving on completely myself is another option but I kind of don't want to. I feel like I'm already doing what I can, but if anyone had any more tips it'd be nice to hear back.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Moves,



Glad to have you with us!

To be clear, is your long term goal (2-3 months) trying to get a friendship going again, or what do you have in mind?

How did the relationship end? What did she say when she left? Do you think she'd be at all open to friendship (or more)?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Moves]

Thanks Pearl for your reply.

I believe my goal is to get a friendship going again, but honestly I'm even a bit confused about my feelings. Some of my friends believe I'm actually looking for something more by the way I talk about it, and I believe they have a point too based on how I felt so sad after I made contact again (an unexpected reaction from myself). But I don't believe getting back in a relationship is the correct move for me (based on the way I was treated) and the chances of it working out if we did is slim, based on how it ended which brings me on to answering your next question.

Basically everything was fine until the last month or so of it, where she gradually showed less interest in me, both when meeting in person and over text. I didn't worry very much about it at first as she had other life changes going on at the same time (which I stayed supportive of). But it just kept getting worse and eventually she just ended things by text. I didn't really get what I felt was a proper reason. I'd like to post a bit more about it but am concerned about the off-chance that she might see it here. As far as I can see there are two ways of looking at why things ended - 1) the relationship felt more like a friendship when she wanted more (this was hinted at), or 2) classic co-dependency issues, like becoming too attached to her. Can't really tell which, could be a bit of both too. I believe she may not be all that open to friendship but it's really hard to tell as communication is so limited. As mentioned it's been quite some time ago and circumstances could have changed since - either in or against my favour. The straightforward thing to do would be to get in touch anyway, but as mentioned I'm very likely to feel triggered and sad again.

[pearlsw]

Thanks Pearl for your reply.

I believe my goal is to get a friendship going again, but honestly I'm even a bit confused about my feelings.

Hi Moves,

I can certainly understand how difficult it can be in the early going to know if you are able to handle a friendship with someone you have had feelings for. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.  I think a lot of it has to do with how much time and distance there is between the feelings and trying to be friends. Any buried desires for a possible future are something that can also strongly impact the friendship if it does kick back up. At some point this could bring things to the breaking point. This is not easy without clear, honest communication.

With hundreds of thousands of posts, what makes you think she might find you here? Does she know about this site? Is it something she would search out?

To be clear, you think she may have ended it because you were codependent or am I misreading this?

Can you please tell us more about the sadness that you felt?

If you get in touch, given how this ended, it would be good to keep it very low key and not try to jump right into getting a discussion about the old relationship going.

take care, pearl.

[Moves]

About her possibly finding this post, I did consider that the chances are low given the number of posts here as you mention. I have no indication that she knows about this site or that she would do a search for this. Perhaps I'm a bit paranoid, just playing it safe really.

About being codependent and that leading to the breakup, yes that's possible but I don't know how much of a factor this played.

And about the sadness I'm feeling, it's one of the worst experiences I've been through. As my first relationship I've waited a very long time for this person to come into my life (I'm mid 20s). I've never experienced such highs before when her and in that situation you've got a long way to fall if things go bust. As with a lot of breakups, you have all these expectations and now I've sort of lost myself. The lack of closure and the fact it felt like it happened for 'no reason' also made it difficult to get over. I sometimes get triggered by things around me that remind me of our relationship. Sometimes I have poor sleep or see my ex in my dreams, sometimes during the day I feel like crying.

And in the last few days I had a series of events unrelated to the breakup which trigger me. I've been given notice to move out of my place (not my fault but still not good for my psyche), had a poor job interview, and come out of an activity group I recently joined feeling a bit meh as I felt I was struggling to connect with people there. When things like these happen I wish I had someone with me like I used to, to reassure me that I'm doing okay. Hence my feelings of emptiness.

I did think the same about not engaging in any discussion about the relationship early on, if I did decide to get in touch again. Unfortunately there's very little conversation I could make apart from the boring 'how are you doing' sort of texts - texting the last time I was in touch and also in the last week or so before the breakup was a bit like texting an acquaintance as if we knew little about each other.

[pearlsw]

And about the sadness I'm feeling, it's one of the worst experiences I've been through.

Hi Moves,

Sorry you are feeling so sad! 

So this is your first relationship? Oh yes, the twenties! I was pretty excited about relationships then too if I recall. I remember after my first relationship ended I really, really believed I would never have another one! I could not at all imagine meeting someone that I loved or that loved me that much ever again. Although I initiated it, I was pretty low after the breakup. It felt absolutely awful! I hate breaking up! But. It happens!

But, surprise! More relationships happened. And let me tell ya, 30 years later when you get dropped like a hot potato, the fall is still pretty hard!  

It can take time for our mind and heart to sync up again! And our brains tend to replay the movies in our heads and we wish we could change things we said or did, but... .time just keeps slipping away and the past that meant so much to us can feel more and more lost as it drifts behind us. And not knowing what the future may or may not hold feels scary and uncertain. So, what are we left with? The present. Being here now and feeling what we feel and making the best of things!

It's been two months now. Do you ever see her? Is there any way you would ever run into her? Do you have mutual friends? Or is it all, seemingly, gone for now?

I wonder if this reading might be of assistance to you? BPD Behaviors: Did She Ever Love Me?

We care about you! We'll be here to keep talking even when/if your friends don't feel like it, okay? How is the job search going? (Ugh! I definitely know how demoralizing that can be!)

About being socially awkward, I was an extremely shy person many, many years ago. I had to work hard to overcome it. What do you to work on this?

warmly, pearl.

[Moves]

So this is your first relationship? Oh yes, the twenties! I was pretty excited about relationships then too if I recall. I remember after my first relationship ended I really, really believed I would never have another one! I could not at all imagine meeting someone that I loved or that loved me that much ever again. Although I initiated it, I was pretty low after the breakup. It felt absolutely awful! I hate breaking up! But. It happens!

Yes this is my first. I'll also add that I felt a bit alone (and had sad feelings) just prior to the relationship starting, which seemed to disappear in an instant as soon as I met my ex. Fortunately though I do believe I will meet someone else one day, but as you mention it's scary thinking about it considering it's the future and who knows when that will be (likely later rather than sooner) and what my next relationship will be like.

It's been two months now. Do you ever see her? Is there any way you would ever run into her? Do you have mutual friends? Or is it all, seemingly, gone for now?

No, I haven't seen her since. I don't see myself 'running into her' unless it's by chance on the street (and I wouldn't deliberately go out of my way to increase these chances). As for mutual friends, she's met some of my friends but there's only one who she seems to be in touch with. But I found myself getting a bit jealous of that mutual friend after hearing my ex stayed somewhat close to him. Interestingly though he offered to help me get in touch with her, however I decided I was more comfortable keeping my distance from him too.

If I wanted to meet up with her I'd need to arrange it directly. That would mean trying texting again but as mentioned I'm likely to be triggered and experience a relapse of the anxiety I experienced just before and just after the breakup (when and will she reply? how will she respond? etc). Of course it would be ideal if she initiated a conversation on text herself which I secretly wish for. With her doing the breaking up and me having tried to initiate contact once already the ball isn't really in my court.

Anyway it's getting late here (been writing for a while, write slowly as I just keep thinking), haven't responded to the points about what I'm doing now but will get back.

[Moves]

We care about you! We'll be here to keep talking even when/if your friends don't feel like it, okay? How is the job search going? (Ugh! I definitely know how demoralizing that can be!)

Really grateful to have you here . The job search is something which I've planned for several months, but I've been very on and off about it (and more 'off' in general). I tend to struggle with change in general so the idea of changing jobs is unnerving at the best of times. I find job interviews very stressful and haven't had a successful one yet, can never warm up in the time of the interview. I'm going to keep going though and use the ones I've had as experience etc.

About being socially awkward, I was an extremely shy person many, many years ago. I had to work hard to overcome it. What do you to work on this?

I've tried joining new activity groups to get myself out of the house more often, but it's a strategy I've tried in the past and often I don't manage to make new friends there and struggle to talk to people. Even if I try to make conversation, it often feels unnatural and forced and I tend not to get very far as a result. Recently in one of these meetups I actually felt more alone at times than if I wasn't there (granted though I felt like a pile of crap that day). But I'd like to try other groups as well. I'm also considering either joining a gym or learning some new workouts I can go at home.

It seems there's only a small percentage of people I just 'click' with, exactly the case with my ex when things were going well. I just felt so comfortable and able to be myself around her, if there were silences they weren't awkward etc. This contributes to the difficulty in letting go as well, given I'm not that close to many others, and knowing that being able to click with a new potential partner will be an uphill battle (in the long term that is).

[pearlsw]

Hi Moves,

Oh sure! Your note reminds me of what it was like be to painfully shy. I really had to push through very hard not to end up having that "ruin" my life.

I wish you much success with the job search! Have you ever tried having a friend practice interview? Or practice speaking out loud ahead of time so you are used to hearing yourself say the kinds of things you would say in an interview?

In terms of "working on yourself" you may find that the information on this site is not only helpful if you do restart this relationship, but it could be helpful with any relationship. Good communication is a big part of making a relationship work and preserving the peace for the long term so it is definitely worth the investment of time!

May I ask, in terms of what you've learned... .What do you think you would be looking for in terms of a partner? (I think it is helpful to think of this when you are not in a relationship so you can be better prepared the next time you start looking for a partner.)

take care, pearl. 

[Moves]

I'm not sure I have any friends who'd be willing to or be a good interview partner. But the speaking out loud is an idea I would try.

As for what I'm looking for in a partner, that's a difficult question and I'm not sure what I'd say. I can only think of standard qualities like someone who understands me, someone who inspires me, someone who we can learn from each other etc. Based on my experience from my relationship I'd like to meet someone who's a bit more stable (which would require me to be more stable myself first). But if I think about it honestly there's an element of me not being complete and trying to fill the 'gap' (and I believe this could have been the case for my ex too).

I've been thinking about how to approach making contact with my ex again. Some thoughts I had:

- I'll start off by saying that I met up with that mutual friend again and he mentioned a little bit about how my ex was doing. I felt more comfortable around him than last time I saw him and feel like I can get his help if I wanted (though I'm wary of finding out too much about her through him).

- I still feel there's a risk of me having a relapse if I make contact myself again, like last time. I feel like the more time I give it, the less likely or severe any bad feelings will arise. But given that quite some time has passed already I'm wary of waiting too long as well and be 'forgotten' about. Anyone have any ideas on whether it's better to make an attempt sooner or later?

- And about how I would go about making contact, I would plan to make a bit more of an effort than last time than only keeping the texts going for a few lines. I feel like I will need to be upfront at some point (but not in the first few lines of conversation) about what I'm looking for, ie. being friends, possibly meeting up for a quick coffee to catch up. Whilst texting and if I'm fortunate to get the chance to meet up I plan to keep the past to a minimum.

[pearlsw]

Hi Moves,

I think those sound like great qualities! People always told me they felt very comfortable with me, but I think I've rarely gotten to have that completely "at home" with another person feeling. Hope you get to have your wishes! It is good to put those into words so you can remind yourself and hold to some notions of what you want I think and not sell yourself short no matter how long it may take to make that "match".

That's what is great about this time you have now! You can learn from the past and apply that going forward and better things could happen next go around!

Are you feeling ready, strong enough, to contact her soon, or you want to keep working up to this over the next couple of months?

take care, pearl.

[Moves]

I'm willing to wait whilst working on myself, if it takes a few months or even a year so be it. Simply put there's two things getting in the way - firstly whether I can handle staying in touch myself and secondly whether she is willing to stay in touch with me. The second is more of a concern I'd say. If I knew she was fine with it I'd probably be fine being friends sooner rather than later. If I was to hazard a guess I'd think waiting a bit would be better than contacting again soon (but I can't say how long for sure), just concerned that the longer I leave it the more 'out of the blue' any contact will be.