Just told my child I will leave

[Intentional333]

• What type of relationship are you in?
  
  
  Single mum to adopted 15 year old boy  

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  My sister  

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  Excellent at drama
  
    

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  having been excluded from school trying to get into another school, catch up and pass some exams
  Finding and keeping real friends  

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  Aggression, mood swings, says he doesn't like me and wishes me dead   

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  Undiagnosed  

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  Talking too much, parenting on my own for the past 12 years  

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  If so, what types?
  
  Child is about to start long term psychotherapy  

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  
  Help to keep my son living at home with me  

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE


 Logged

My Son's Recovery-In-Progress

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Intentional333]

I know that this is a terrible thing to say but he just removed every displayed photo of him in it, says he wishes me dead and taunted me for not being to have a biological child.

Advice please to reverse what I said. My home is like an actual battleground.

[Turkish]

I'm the adopted child of a single mother. 

Adopted kids tend to come with issues... .

What did you mean when you said you'd leave?

[Intentional333]

I meant that I would leave the home so he could go into care and hopefully get the help that I can't give him. Please don't judge me. I have had a tremendous amount to deal with on my own. I have only stumbled across this website and have already learned so much. I tried SET and I will keep doing so. I apologised to my child and told him that I didn't mean it that I love him and will always be here for him. It's so hard when your child is doing everything to push you away including aggression and he's bigger than me.

He doesn't have any diagnosis yet. I believe he has BPD traits as he ticks every symptom. His support worker read them out to him and he even nodded his head at each one.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for sharing more of your story with us.

No one here is going to judge you.  We get it.  It can be overwhelming to deal with our own stuff and on top of that have a loved one whoa s you say, is doing their best to push you away.  It is good that you are practicing SET.  That is a wonderful tool that will help the both of you. 

You mentioned your son has a support worker.  What is he receiving support services for? 

[wendydarling]

Hello Intentional333 and welcome.  

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with your son's behaviour and your home has become a battleground of conflict, you want to exit to gain him and you help. I can understand that, you say he is aggressive and stronger than you. Are you saying you do not feel safe?

This is a safe place for you, always, there is no judgement here, we ask each other questions to help us understand, get to know each other  , how we can support, we are here for you every step of the way Intentional333, you are not alone  

We are all entitled to help from our services, your son is commencing psychotherapy. Is there support for you, supporting your son. I'm a bit of beaver …   they did not listen till I respectfully reminded them of their responsibility.

The tools here work to help us connect, bring the temperature down, they take practice, some may feel counter intuitive. My 30DD has learnt many of these through her 14 months of DBT and she taught me more.

What's happening, how are you today?

WDx  

[Turkish]

I understand that you may be beyond frustration.  Yet I'm glad that you are trying the tools 

A pwBPD (person with BPD) feels at their core that they don't matter and are unworthy of love.  I think this may be harder to deal with given adoptive parents like you who demonstrated a lot of love by adopting someone else's biological child.  Speaking add an adoptee, blood doesn't necessarily mean anything other than that in some cases. 

I'm not BPD,  but when I was 17, my mother contacted my bio family. She had my aunt (who was also adopted) and my grandmother on the phone.  My bio mother was also adopted,  and died when I was 9 (I was adopted by my mom at 2.4 years of age from a foster home). They wanted to talk to me.  I walked away,  got on my motorcycle and left.  I later regretted it... .yet I felt at the time, that family gave me up.  How dare they want to contact me now!" 17 and stupid.

The core feeling of a pwBPD is that their feelings are inherently worthless; therfore, they are inherently worthless and unworthy of love. 

Adopted kids are given up and abandoned.  These feelings can be difficult to deal with when on the most loving adoptive families.  There can be so much acting out as you are experiencing,  but it goes back to the core emotion: I'm not worth loving.

There's a validation target here.  I know that you're likely frustrated, hurt, angry,  sad, but maybe this will also help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

The title may seem invalidating,  but my purpose isn't to shame you at all,  buy rather to offer you more tools to help you with your son.  Let me know what you think. 

This community cares about all of the souls who land here, and I hope you continue with us so we can support you. 

T