Husband left but wants to come back

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.  I've been separated 8 months after 30 years together, and have been extremely lonely at times.  It has gotten better over time.  It comes and goes.

What does your support system look like?  Do you see a therapist?  Do you have close friends you can spend time with?  With friends, I found that each one has a certain level of info that they can handle.  But even the ones who don't want to go too deep can still get you out of the house and doing something fun.  Do you have supportive family you are close to?

WW

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.  I've been separated 8 months after 30 years together, and have been extremely lonely at times.  It has gotten better over time.  It comes and goes.

What does your support system look like?  Do you see a therapist?  Do you have close friends you can spend time with?  With friends, I found that each one has a certain level of info that they can handle.  But even the ones who don't want to go too deep can still get you out of the house and doing something fun.  Do you have supportive family you are close to?

WW

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maried]

I have supportive friends... .sort of. Two are wonderful. Others seem to either have little patience or almost seem to enjoy my sadness. I have no relatives in the area. I have a wonderful cousin and sister, who are doing their best but are quite ill, so I don't want to impose to much. Luckily I have a therapist I think I can trust, though he refuses to use any labels, such as borderline.

So you were with your person almost as long as I was. Did your partner get worse with age too?

[pearlsw]

Hi maried,

My SO was 52 when I met him and he got worse and worse, but I would put a lot of it on extreme life stressors, unresolved cultural/religious issues, lack of communication skills, and lack of any prior healthy relationship modeling or personal experience. Now that he takes anti-depressants he is much easier to deal with, knock on wood, but... .there are still behavioral issues. It can be very hard to get a handle on what issue or combination of issues our partner's are dealing with. On top of all this my SO is drinking more now.

So, all that to say, I think as WW says, that studies may or may not pick up on all the factors. Many of us have undiagnosed partners and just focus our understanding and changes on the behaviors, because are clearly affecting us greatly.

So, with medicine he's more balanced, for him, for now, but I can easily imagine with dementia, or cognitive decline of any kind, a bigger drinking problem, additional life stressors, my SO could worsen again.

Has your husband had an increase in life stressors as he ages?

take care, pearl.

[maried]

I think he is struggling with getting older, losing strength, energy and stamina. Plus our last child left for school, leaving us with no "project" we did as a team. Also, a lot of physical abuse he suffered as a child is no longer being suppressed. He had a very violent father, and a mother who did not protect him.

[Radcliff]

Yes, things got worse with age.  Things really started a downhill slide about nine years ago, with a string of life stressors, none of her making, but all made worse by her behaviors.  Violence and controlling behaviors, which were only rarely present in the first half of our marriage, increased considerably in that time. 

I see I asked that question about friends twice -- sorry!  But you gave more detail the second time, which is helpful.  Yes, stay away from friends that feed off drama, unless you're feeling well enough to have a regular time with them and deflect questions about weighty topics.  I've heard it said that you should have five solid sources of support.  You've got us, two friends, your cousin, and the therapist.  Five!  But that's a minimum, not a maximum.

You didn't give a resounding vote of confidence for your therapist.  It'd be nice to "know" you can trust him.  His reluctance to use labels may not be concerning, since he may be reluctant to diagnose someone he hasn't evaluated.  But the label isn't particularly important.  Behaviors are what is important.  And in particular, for the purpose of your therapy, the impact of the behaviors on you is important.

Some therapists have a hard core "everyone owns half the responsibility for relationship issues" mindset.  That's fine for normal-range folks, but not when there's mental illness.  Do you feel like your therapist believes that your husband's behaviors were out of the normal range, and that you may have been coping with some unfair challenges?  Do you feel he believes your experience?

WW

[maried]

I find your posts so helpful. I am actually going to ask my therapist if he finds my husband's behaviors abnormal--funny I never asked. I know he is of the 50/50 mindset, which I think is a bit worrisome.  The more time away (12 days away from 2 months), the more I think it would be impossible to live with him again, which makes me sad and lonely--but I've been on my own for such a short time.

[Radcliff]

Thank you!  Yes, the 50/50 mindset without any acknowledgement of the special challenges of BPD is not so helpful.  One strategy would be to find a DBT-trained therapist who presumably would have experience with personality disorders. 

The first few months after separation were so full of reflection for me. You say that you are thinking more that it would be impossible to live with him again.  What kinds of things are you discovering as you reflect about the past?  What kinds of things are you discovering about yourself, either reflecting on the past, things you've rediscovered about yourself, or thinking about the future that you want?

WW

[maried]

I guess the biggest thing I'm surprised about is my emotional separation from him. I still care but I feel a distance. Also, I visited a friend of mine and stayed for 2 nights. I was surprised at my friend's relationship with her husband. They bickered about politics and they bickered about friends, but there was no underlying instability or fear when they argued. They argued but it was almost if the arguments weren't personal, so there was no fear of escalation. Basically, no one was walking on eggshells. To see that was a bit of a revelation.

[Radcliff]

That is an amazing revelation -- a relationship without fear. 

Where did you see fear playing a role in your relationship with your husband?

WW

[maried]

The slightest conflict or even when he thought there was going to be conflict, it would send him into a tailspin--panic attacks and then typically rage. What confuses me is how all that seems gone now that he left me... .he apparently has no panic attacks now. I guess when you're by yourself there are no conflicts, but it still seems unsettling that leaving me would take him to a place of peace and happiness. Decades of attachment mean little.

[Radcliff]

It wasn't that you were bad and now that he's free of you he's all better, of course.  Seeing you triggered his relationship fears.  You hit the nail on the head -- by himself, he has no conflicts.  I can understand it's hard not to take it personally, though, after a decades-long relationship.

How have you been doing with the loneliness and emotional roller coaster?  Do you have work, volunteer activities, or hobbies to keep you busy?

WW

[maried]

So I'm back. I left because I had a scary medical issue come up (I'm fine now). During this time my husband came back to support me. For two months he was incredibly loving. I remember thinking how good things were for the two of us. He was having panic attacks about work he said, but he did not want me to try and fix things (also what our counselor said). So Saturday night we went out to eat to celebrate my son's birthday. We had a great time. I woke up the next day and he had packed his bags. He left and emailed me that we were over. That he gave me a chance to work on our problems and I did not. I should mention, he was writing me passionate emails every day up to this point. I feel so sad. Any input is appreciated.