First post - this is so hard

[Thisismystory]

Hi, I am in a whirl of confusion. My MIL has BPD. I’ve known that for 12 years. What I didn’t realize until this weekend was the effect it has had on my husband. I am trying to figure out if he has BPD or just has some residual effects from growing up with a BPD mom.

He is mad at me so much for such a variety of things. I just asked what time it was, and I got a snappy answer. He found out I was reading a book (walking on eggshells) and for almost two days hasn’t really made eye contact except angry/hurt glances and only said a few words. I know that alone doesn’t fit the BPD description, but there’s more. I’m just tired and worn.

It feels like I am trying and trying and everything’s I do makes things worse. I have actually not told anyone about the difficulties I’ve had. I love my husband and don’t want to smear him. I only want to talk to someone if I’m confident they will love him and not judge him.

It’s just so debilitating. So much more to say, but that’s all for my first post. I will go back to my reality of feeling awful. I need to keep reading the book to give me suggestions on how to help myself. Thanks for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, but am glad that you found us.  You will find that we understand what you are going through, without judging your husband.  We have been there.

Many of us have had instances where our partners find out that we are learning about BPD, and invariably it causes trouble.  It's best not to talk about it.  If he forces the issue about you reading the book, tell him that you're just learning tools for how you can be a better partner.

As you go through your learning process, try not to make any sudden changes in your behavior or attitudes at home.  He will be very sensitive to that.  Let it all hang out here, and we can guide you on introducing changes to how you are coping with things that can start making things better.

When you are ready, please tell us about some of the situations that are causing you pain.

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome.

I am glad you found us.  I am the adult daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mother (we also believe she was schizophrenic) and I can say that it is rare to grow up in a home with mental illness and not at least pick up some dysfunctional ways of coping and behaving.  I post on the Parent, Sibling and In-Law board and there are many of us trying to learn new ways of being.  It is not easy but it is doable.

Is your husband in agreement that his mother has BPD?  Is she officially diagnosed or is it like many of us here dealing with loved ones with traits or who have never been diagnosed (uBPD)?

I think learning about the disorder and the associated behaviors will be very helpful.  Also learning about boundaries and learning the communication tools will be helpful, not just for you, but possibly your husband as well.  Radcliff is right that letting your husband know you are learning about this stuff is not a good idea, especially if he is unaware.

Anyway, I am glad you found us and I look forward to eharing more from you soon.

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome Thisismtstory 

It’s very understandable that you feel tired and worn. Anyone who has gone through your situation would feel the same way.

The good news is we can help you. We are here to listen and support you. I look forward to hearing more about you and how we may help.

  L2T

[Hopeful05]

Sounds similar to our story. I just started reading the book in secret and posting in secret.  My husbands mom undiagnosed most likely npd or BPD,  meets symptoms of both. Father mot sure an actual dx, but just a huge bully, angry and mean. So ya bound to get stuff passed down only in the last year or so have I realized how much. I def.feel tired and worn as well:/

[Turkish]

I'd hide anything to do with BPD from now on.  He might not be BPD, but if his mother is,  there may be traits.  I have a BPD mother.

How did you conclude that she has BPD?

[Thisismystory]

Thank you all so much. It means a lot to me.

My MIL is undiagnosed, but she fits the description to a T. Unfortunately we have no contact with her at this time, and haven’t for years. There was such a burden on our family that we blocked our phones and do not visit. I still get emails occasionally, and if I check my blocked messages there are sure to be frightening ones waiting for me. My SO has absolutely no contact with her and neither do her other two children. One has a restraining order against her.

What led me to thinking my SO may have it as well was the thought that I am always walking on eggshells. I searched and found the book about DBT and so  many things ring true in my situation.

Fear of abandonment makes so many things clear to me now. If I have to go anywhere without him, I feel guilty, as he is always trying  to persuade me not to go. I even feel like I’m not supposed to be on a device when he’s around, even though he constantly is.

 I never know when he’s going to be upset. I have tried for years to make everything perfect so he would be happy, but that never comes around. A good example of this is this summer we went on a family trip. I packed everything. I cleaned the house. I set timers, took out garbage, cleaned the house, etc. After days of overwhelming to-do’s I forgot to grab my original wedding ring, which we were going to get resized while on the trip. When he found out he was so upset. He never thanked me for the countless hours of preparing, and my doing everything to make him happy was impossible. He was so upset at me for forgetting the ring that we drove 12 hours in silence and spent the next week fluctuating between being on edge or in silence.

My biggest worry is that I realized I was beginning to feel lifeless and dull in my relationship. It was scary to realize it. And now reading the book and realizing that I don’t know so many things about myself. I don’t know what I like. What do I like? Whatever makes him happy, because I want to be happy. I guess I have to work on finding myself. What shows would I choose to watch? What food do I like to eat? What would I like to do in my free time? When I am by myself with my family (who all live out of state) I come alive again. I’m laughing all the time, playing jokes, and really enjoying myself. I miss myself. I’m sure my husband misses this me as well.

It’s hard to put so many years of experiences and emotions into words, but I hope that all made sense. Thank you for being there for me. ❤️

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear about the trip.  Stressful departures and tension and drama while traveling are very frequently described by members here.

You've completely nailed the description of one thing that many of us can relate to -- losing ourselves, and even losing track of our preferences and desires.  Ironically, doing everything we can to please them doesn't please them, and it also ends up killing us (figuratively at least). 

The missing ingredient is boundaries.  To learn more about boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries.  There's also a great book, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.  Heavy on Bible references, but even if that's not your thing, I'd recommend it.

If you started to think about developing some boundaries around some time to yourself, activities you enjoy or other ways to take care of and reclaim yourself, what things come to mind that you'd like to do?

RC