Adult Daughter BPD, keeping g-child away from me

[Dibby]

I am new here. I am pretty sure my adult daughter has Borderline Narcissitic Disorder. She has probably had this for many years, since childhood. Only now since she has become a mother herself, I realise she has this condition, since she has all the symptoms I have read. Does it get any better?. I always thought once she became a mother, my relationship with her would improve. But I have always been on the receiving end of her verbal abuse, when I disagree with her, or not give her enough attention. At the moment she is bringing up the past when she was a child, making out it was not good. My husband and I , like most parents brought her up in a good home, good education etc. Nothing I did seem to do would be enough for her. She was a demanding child, teenager and now adult. At the moment she is keeping my only grandchild away from me. It is really so sad, but I realise I have to be strong. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi there Dibby

There are quite a few of us here who can relate to the hurt of being separated from grandchildren.  There were times when I felt I just couldn't live through the pain... .but I did.

How old is that precious grandchild of yours, Dibby?

While our daughter has been to many counsellors in the past 40-odd years, she has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but I, like you, have read the literature and in my reading I have put a check mark beside pretty well each and every "symptom."

Has anyone in the family (you and your husband, your daughter) ever been to counselling?

You ask... .."Does it get any better?"  If by "it" you mean the BPD behaviours she exhibits, I feel a lot depends on you and how you respond to her.  I like to think that had I had access to the information that is available in today's world and then made changes in MY behaviour, my story would be different from what it is today.

With that said, I give myself credit by saying (and believing) that I did the best I could and when I knew better I did better... .and will continue to do so.

I have come a long, long way since I cried my way through my first post about 2 years ago.  The main goal for me was to stop playing the part of "victim."  Once I started to wrap my head around that, life became more bearable.  That is not to say this is the life I envisioned, nor the relationship I wanted to have with my only daughter.   I also wanted to be a tall, willowy bombshell.  That didn't happen either.

So now you are here, Dibby, and I hope you stay.  Do your homework (to the right lots to get you started)... .share with us what works and what doesn't work.  Just putting those fingers of yours on the keyboard and expressing your feelings in writing can turn out to be cathartic.  That has worked well for me.

Glad you found us, Dibby.

Huat

[Cgrant0613]

My heart goes out to you! I could have written your post myself. I have been thru so much turmoil with my daughter who will be 26 next week. I have not posted yet but will soon. Please know you are not alone.

[bluek9]

  Hi Dibby,

   Let me join Huat in welcoming you here to this place. I'm coming up on 1 year of being here. It is not an exaggeration to say this safe understanding place saved my sanity. Being here has taught me so much. Like Huat says "start with your homework" yes it's hard and can be overwhelming, you may even say why do I have to change? Trust me IT'S ALL WORTH IT.    Any time grand babies are involved it hard and complicated. Again I know I'm raising my grandson JJ. My heart goes out to you       I personally do not know how that feels, I can not imagine! I know my heart would break if I couldn't be around JJ. Stay strong.
  And Cgrant0613 thanks or posting. Hope you will feel more comfortable soon. Love to hear your story.

[LRitz]

I'm going thru the exact same thing. Had struggles with my daughter since she was quite young, figured shed outgrow it but the issues have turned bigger and now we have 2 granddaughters involved.  Last time it took 3 weeks of not seeing or talking to any of them and then she came around like nothing happened.  We'll see how long it takes this time... .
Is this the first time she's done this with the grandchild?  I was in such depression when this happened last time I could hardly function, this time I'm reading up ALOT on BPD  and handling it better, I just had 1st counseling session.  Now instead of anger I'm feeling sad for HER, and wondering how and when she will realize she has a problem and get help.  Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and I can hardly put it down! (Ordered the workbook also). Also reading Beyond Borderline to help me understand what's going on in a BPD's mind. Praying for you... .and all of us that are dealing with BPD... .

[Dibby]

Thankyou everyone who has replied. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. My grandchild is only 8 months old. So at this stage I have not cemented a close bond with him as yet, only babysitting him a hand full of times since his birth. My daughter did contact me the other day after two months of the silent treatment. She sent me a photo of my grandchild playing with a gift I had brought him. My daughter texting me saying her baby son loved it. At least my daughter started up some contact with me, I would take anything no matter how small it is. Eventually we have met up. All very nice and pleasant toward me, until the next time, I guess when I will turn into the horrible mum again.
Its so true I always feel like I am walking on Eggshells around her, I feel I have to watch what I say to her, she does not criticism at all well.
Anyway I wish my life with her could just be normal.

[Merlot]

Hi Dibby

Glad you came to join us here.  Like Bluek9, I came here during a crisis when my daughter now 27 cut me and my baby granddaughter out of her life after a very violent rage.  My daughter was diagnosed three years ago, but now denies she has BPD.

I can relate to everything you say in your post but something really resonated and that is expecting your relationship with her to become better when she became a mum.  I thought that too.  I confided certain things to my daughter during some really close moments that she has now used against me.

It truly is sad, but like you I have come to feel sorry for her and am still trying to reconnect through sending cards with a few words letting her know I care.  Last week I also sent a little dress for my GD.  It makes me feel good to do that and I don't expect a response.

I'm glad you have had some positive interaction with your daughter and grandson, but like you said, what next.  That is something we all live with as a result of BPD, indeed what next.  Being here and learning is such a good way to plan for the unexpected.

Take good care of yourself Dibby and I hope you are learning much from being here.

Merlot