Hello Everyone, just a thought I am having

[Despicable Me]

Hello everyone,

I have only posted once on a forum such as this and that was 14 years ago.  At that time I had NO idea what a personality disorder was.  I wasn't even sure if I had one. After much pain and grief, I decided to commit myself to learn as much as possible about it.  I spent the next 3 years reading as much as I could about personality disorders, concentrating most of it on BPD, as that seemed to be what I had experienced. I also read about Buddhism and other religions and also some spiritual philosophies, such as twin flames and incarnations. This gave me a different way to look at myself and teach me to understand my own feelings and how to better handle my emotions. I believe that I could have handled many situations differently and realize that I also had some triggers.   

I think what I am trying to say is, we all have a variety of different traits. Many of those traits are the same as people diagnosed with a PD.  How we handle it is a big part of it.  Perception, seems to be the start of it. What I may perceive as good or indifferent, another person may perceive it as painfully bad. I bring this up not to defend bad behavior, but to ask is it wrong for them to react to what they perceive as "bad behavior" from us, and to ask, are the people that have a PD know and understand what they are doing?  If not, then are they a bad person for this?  I know what I felt 15 years ago and I bring this up now because it happened again just recently. 

I will finish that story later, but my question that I have now is: If a person with a personality disorder does not understand their emotions are different and they feel that you are the one causing the pain. How do we differentiate the correct behavior?  I understand this is much more complicated than this, but how do say which perception is more correct than another?  We all know that how they handle it is part that leaves us in utter disbelief.  So, I believe, that a lot of us struggle with the argument that "what did I do to deserve this?" We try to reason with them, but they either change the story or make it much worse than what we thought. I feel they genuinely feel hurt and it was a matter of how they perceived it. 

I want to be clear that I am in no way defending bad behavior or any one diagnosed with a PD. I just want to put out there that I don't want to say that anyone is wrong for perceiving something different than me. Unfortunately, its a double standard, because as I don't judge them for how they feel. I still get judged for how I made them feel. I already know I can't win for losing. But are they wrong at this point of the game?  How they handle it, that's a different subject.

Am I being too empathetic trying to understand what they are going through? How much do they really know and if they can't empathize, or know how we feel, then does that make them bad or wrong for how they react?

I hope I am not out-of-line with this post, I do not mean to defend or support any behavior that causes pain to others.  I am only trying to learn and suggest other viewpoints on this very difficult subject.

I hope to be able to tell my story soon, I am not sure I am ready at this point. I would like to post some different things that are on my mind about my recent experience. I did see the red flags, I thought it might be different, in someway, I still do. I definitely handled it MUCH better than the first time and I am actually doing ok.

Thank you for your time, 

Despicable Me
 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We understand you may not be ready to tell your whole story, and it's OK to take some time to get comfortable and open up, but it would be helpful for members to hear the basics so they understand where you are coming from.  Can you tell us a little about your situation?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  You are asking some excellent questions but there are no easy answers.   

While they may see and experience things differently, what they see and their experiences are 100% real to them.  We can accept the differences and validate the feelings.  Generally, it can't be a matter of who is right or wrong, not if you want to find common ground so that you can have a relationship.

but my question that I have now is: If a person with a personality disorder does not understand their emotions are different and they feel that you are the one causing the pain. How do we differentiate the correct behavior?  I understand this is much more complicated than this, but how do say which perception is more correct than another?  We all know that how they handle it is part that leaves us in utter disbelief.  So, I believe, that a lot of us struggle with the argument that "what did I do to deserve this?" We try to reason with them, but they either change the story or make it much worse than what we thought. I feel they genuinely feel hurt and it was a matter of how they perceived it.

  Again, we can validate the feelings.  It is not a win/lose, right/wrong situation.  I agree it is very complex and obviously there are lots of variables to consider. 

I want to be clear that I am in no way defending bad behavior or any one diagnosed with a PD. I just want to put out there that I don't want to say that anyone is wrong for perceiving something different than me. Unfortunately, its a double standard, because as I don't judge them for how they feel. I still get judged for how I made them feel. I already know I can't win for losing. But are they wrong at this point of the game?  How they handle it, that's a different subject.

Yeah, this is hard and unfortunately is part of being in a relationship with a person with BPD which affects emotional regulation. 

I think you will find some good conversations here and I hope you settle in and read and post.  You will see that you are not alone and you will also see that some of us are on the same road and some have already traveled this path.  Either way, you learn and can find your own answers.  Also, check out the articles on the right side of the page when you can.  There is a lot of information, but it is all good to read through.

I want to echo what Radcliff said and encourage you to share your story, but at your own pace.

Hoep to hear more from you soon.

[Despicable Me]

Hello again,

Thank you Radcliff for your reply, I appreciate your input. I do plan on telling my story, mainly because I think it will be therapeutic in many ways.  I have a lot going on in my life right now.  My father passed away earlier this year and being the only sibling, I have had a lot of things to take care of.  I think his house was the biggest task, 40 years of memories and items to sort through.  I do have some great friends that have been priceless in helping me.  I promise to tell my story soon.

Thank you Harri, your answer was very helpful. I appreciate the time you put into reading my post.
I agree that my story would give people a more understanding.  Thank you for giving me your insight into my question. It was a great answer, and well written.

I don't have time to go into much detail, but here is a little more. We had been dating for 18 months, and ... .it is hard to write about it.  I have had an experience very similar to this about 15 years ago.  I definitely saw this coming. A little at first, but nothing that got my attention to the point of "red flags".  It was about a year into our relation that the red flags started coming up, and they came faster and faster from that point on.  For 6 months I saw every red flag there could be. I saw everything, and yet I thought maybe it would be different.  I still think that it could be. In hindsight, do think this one was a little different, from my first experience 15 years ago. just in the fact that she showed much more narcissistic traits than BPD, only my guess.  Its been a while since i would read about personality disorders.  15 years ago I read so much on BPD and Spiritual beliefs, just to try to understand. This time was a little different, I never really read about other PDs.  I guess it didn't seem relevant.

Maybe I am wrong in this because I have yet had the time to fully understand narcissistic personality disorder and the differences between BPD.  How similar are the two? Do people with NPD rage, disassociate, split, etc.  I understand that there are hundreds of variants of each and many symptoms overlap. How similar are the two and what would be the defining traits that would differentiate the two, or are they completely different and I am totally confused?

I wish I could explain more and start my story, but I have so much to do and too much to write. Thank you, everyone, who read my first post on BPD family. I have soo many questions and thoughts, hopefully, I will have some time soon to share with you my story.

Goodbye for now, and thank you, and good luck to everyone. 

DMe

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry to hear about your father.  Going through all of those memories in his house must have been bittersweet.

It sounds like you have been in a second relationship with someone with a possible PD, this time potentially with some narcissistic traits.  When you're ready, tell us about the current status of the relationship.  It sounds like things have gotten worse, but it's unclear the current state of things.  That would be the best place for us to start to have a conversation that can be helpful to you.

RC