Advice Needed on Adult Sibling with BPD

[NovaLibra]

Good Day All

   I have struggled for 30 years with an older sibling. Described it as walking on egg shells. She has all the symptoms of BPD, though has never formally sought or received  a diagnosis.
   Unless I do what she wants, respond to the emails in the way she wants, in the tone she wants, I am under attack. I am in the position of never doing enough, never doing it the right way, or with the right demeanor.
 
    She also provides an endless list of grievances from decades ago. Her partner has adapted in order to survive and does not see what is communicated to me.
 
     Over the years I feel I have done my best to try to work around it - or let it pass and try again. But I am now depleted and exhausted.  This latest crisis has sent me into counselling where the psychologist has seen the correspondence I receive and believes i am dealing with classic BPD.
   
    The counsellor's advice is that I slowly and politely ease away from anything more than brief polite contact with her. She is in a stable home-financial situation.

    Have other family members managed to do this?
    Were your lives easier afterwards?
   While I would dearly would love to have a normal relationship I can't endure being the subject of attacks any longer.

     Open to suggestions
     Nova Liva - U.K

     

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you when I hear how you are being treated by your older sister with BPD symptoms. You are thinking of following your therapist's advice, and gradually reduce contact with her except for brief polite contact with her. I am in a similar situation with my two siblings who both have BPD, and it is terribly painful. It is heart breaking to come to the conclusion that you must limit your contact with a sibling. Like you I have a BIL who takes care of my sister and she is in good financial shape, so I do not have to take direct responsibility for her. I am now working on accepting the situation I have with my BPD siblings. I will be seeing them at family gatherings and have contact with them regarding financial matters. I am now trying to prepare for these types of interactions so they won't go so badly, and I do not contribute to their constant melt downs by wanting them to meet expectations that they are incapable of. There are many tools on this site on how to deal with family members with BPD. Probably the biggest key to dealing with family members with BPD is acceptance and realizing you cannot change them. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you in any way we can.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome NovaLibra, 

So glad that you found us and shared some of your story. It definitely seems as if you have experienced some of the classic behaviours of a pwBPD. It's good that you are in T and getting validation after all these years. For me T has been a lifesaver!

One of the helpful things my T has shared with me is that he encourages me to do my best to stay in the moment. It is very hard, especially when turmoil is going on all around me. Yet the benefits are such that I worry a little bit less and struggle less with depression. I share this with you because I know it's much easier to be concerned about the future and if things will work out than it is to just stay focused on what is in front of us. As you progress through T, I believe you will find hope within yourself that will strengthen you and help you walk through whatever is ahead.

Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? ---->> > Anything you click on opens up into a larger window. There is a lot of good information there.

 
Wools