BPD discard, do they regret it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

In your opinions... .Do you think close relatives suffering from BPD will eventually regret having discarded you?

[Gifthorse]

In your opinions... .Do you think close relatives suffering from BPD will eventually regret having discarded you?

[Harri]

I think it is hard to say as it will vary from person to person.  When you ask this question are you thinking of your sister who split you black or are you thinking of your mom who you have chosen to be NC with?  Not that it matters, I am just trying to get a better feel for your question.

In general, I think any regret would be more from their perspective, eg I regret Gifthorse is not here to help me, etc.  

[Learning2Thrive]

In general, I think any regret would be more from their perspective, eg I regret Gifthorse is not here to help me, etc.  

Yes, I tend to agree with Harri, though it will vary from person to person as not all people with BPD are the same.

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Sometimes I would hear my uBPDm say such things as, "I know I could've gotten along with your grandmother... .had it not been for x, y and z." This would always be surprising to me because when she was 40ish years younger, she was in so much conflict with my grandparents that she permanently painted them black. I think it was her wish to change things, but her focus didn't stay there for long and she'd be off to the races once again.

Generally she'd stay pretty true to abandoning them once she did so and never seriously looked back with regret.

Wools

[Notwendy]

My BPD mom has done the discard thing with me a few times. It doesn't last a long time. She will eventually reconnect and act as if nothing had happened.

I don't know if it is true regret or realizing the lack of some benefit or that is is socially embarrassing if someone asks her about her children. She also had the idea that she could have a relationship with my children while discarding their mother- which didn't work so well.

I don't know what she actually thinks about regret, I think there may be some, but I also think that when a person is in victim mode- they feel their actions are justified.

[isilme]

I don't know if it is true regret or realizing the lack of some benefit or that is is socially embarrassing if someone asks her about her children

I think this sums it up for my dad.  My mom is able to blame me for everything,s he's a  good victim.  While I've been relatively quiet about my dad, because I am still embarrassed about it, knowing most people will immediately jump to the conclusion I was a rebellious teen (opposite, actually) and brought my disownership onto myself, I think any stories that may exist about me in this small town don't sit well with anyone who's worked with me or known me for any lengthy time.

Supposedly, Dad made a comment to one of my bosses he needed to "fix things", but that was about 10 years ago.  Recently, he was at my friend's workplace, and she was fixing his lunch and she recognized him, mentioned me as a test, "aren't you Isilme's dad?"  "I guess."  Pisssed her off, but she swears she did not spit in his food. 

I think for him the regret is face-saving.  He doesn't know if I've told people he's a child abusing wife beater.  And overall, I've not.  I've told a few people, as they've needed to know, like my coworkers when he'd stalk me at work at one job and I'd need to go hide in the back, or at a later job where I'd need to run from the building - he triggers fight or flight in me. 

I think both parents are mostly sad at losing their toy. 

[Gifthorse]

Some excellent answers here!
@Harri You have a good memory... .Was probably referring more to sister who like you said "split me black " over something trivial... .Trivial in my eyes, not for her. We were discussing episodes in our chilhood and I mentioned something our NPD father had done to us... .This she took the wrong way and put all the blame on me! It was when I realised she might have BPD... .Found out later that indeed she did.

@Notwendy In my family they don´t actually do a total discard! I have been devalued about a million times but they still want you around... .Probably because they enjoy devaluing so much... .I was the one who did the discarding but that was not until I had got to understand the cluster b disorders. Once you do, you realise things are always going to be like this and you have to choose between accepting this or getting out... .I chose to leave!

[Notwendy]

I think both parents are mostly sad at losing their toy.

I think that is pretty accurate.

I didn't "discard" the relationship but I now have boundaries and I don't think my mother likes the change but I don't think she has regrets about her own behavior.

I think when someone is in victim mode, they feel their actions are justified. So I don't think she regrets the actions she recalls.

When my mother disregulates, it is so strong that I think it also causes her to have amnesia of what she does  or says when she is in that state. I think she needs to dysregulate to return to her function somehow. After she does it, she seems so normal and fine- for a while. I don't think she has much regret as she also doesn't seem to recall these episodes. IMHO, she's severely BPD but can pull it together for friends and acquaintances. Few people have a clue what she is like with her immediate family. I don't really even care to tell them- they wouldn't believe it.

[Gifthorse]

Good point about the disregulation causing amnesia! Borderlines are known for not remembering entire episodes so you could well be right about this. I had never thought of it that way... .

And about the victim mode, yes they believe their actions are justified "Look what you made me do"! They can acknowledge their behavior was over the top but it is always someone elses fault for "making" them do the bad things they do... .They must not be held responsible for this!

[zachira]

You are wondering if close relatives with BPD eventually regret discarding you. I would say it is different in every case, and yet there are some similarities that resonate with how people with BPD act and feel. I have two siblings and a mother with BPD. They have no empathy for me and feel totally justified in discarding me when they feel like it. The commonality in this dynamic among all family members with BPD, is the cycle of discard versus sometimes frantic attempts to reconnect. In my case, the attempted re connection is always about their needs, and I am blamed for the discard even though I had nothing to do with it. It is always about their inability to deal with uncomfortable feelings and their need to project those feelings on to me whenever the feelings become overwhelming for them. I am sorry you have had to deal with terrible mistreatment by your family and have had to make the choice of leaving to get some relief. Choosing to leave can be so painful, and we are oftentimes left with the questions and pain of wondering why and how we can heal from such terrible abuse by our family members. We are here to help in any way we can and we care. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know what you need.

[isilme]

Few people have a clue what she is like with her immediate family. I don't really even care to tell them- they wouldn't believe it.

Yes.  The few I've shared things with, it's never been unvarnished.  I don't think too many can accept what a BPD parent can do to their kids.

They have no empathy for me and feel totally justified in discarding me when they feel like it. The commonality in this dynamic among all family members with BPD, is the cycle of discard versus sometimes frantic attempts to reconnect. In my case, the attempted re connection is always about their needs, and I am blamed for the discard even though I had nothing to do with it. It is always about their inability to deal with uncomfortable feelings and their need to project those feelings on to me whenever the feelings become overwhelming for them.

Yes.  The way we see guilt and regret is not necessarily how a person with BPD experiences it.

The need to avoid shame and blame means their minds have come up with plenty of reasons the distance is YOUR fault.  So, while they may miss some aspects of you and your presence, depending on how poorly they are able to regulate and also how self aware they are able to be, they will explain to others YOU left them, or were so bad they were forced to distance themselves from you.

[zachira]

Isilme,
Thank you for understanding. I am in the process of healing from a year of being discarded by my family members and being blamed for all of it even though I had nothing to do with any of it. It is so healing to be understood. And yes, most people outside the family just do not get it, in part because family members collude to make it look like it is all my fault. I have learned over the years, that some people will never get it, yet others really see through all the performances of my family members with BPD, and those are the people who value me and help me heal and go forward with my life. The biggest gift of coming from a family like mine is I have learned to value myself and know who is who, and am able to have far richer friendships and relationships than a lot of people will ever have.

[Gifthorse]

Thanks everyone! It really does help talking to those who have experienced this close up!

[Notwendy]

The need to avoid shame and blame means their minds have come up with plenty of reasons the distance is YOUR fault.  So, while they may miss some aspects of you and your presence, depending on how poorly they are able to regulate and also how self aware they are able to be, they will explain to others YOU left them, or were so bad they were forced to distance themselves from you.

This is a difficult aspect for me especially in my mother's elder years. She is not in a position I would wish on an elderly parent. This isn't who I am. In my own value system - I would not abandon an elderly parent. We post about the things we wished for as children- our ideas of what a mother would be like, and then we accept that as children, we didn't have the mother- child relationships we wished we would have. Our mothers were not like our friend's mothers growing up and we work to come to terms with that. However, the mother- child relationship continues past childhood. As an adult child, I wanted to do nice things for my parents and have a good relationship with them- as an adult.

Just like I imagined a mommy who loved me growing up, I also imagined I would have a caring relationship with my parents in their elder years. I imagined having them over for holiday meals, spending time with their grandkids. For years, I would facilitate this wish. They visited often, and I also would bring the kids to visit them. I didn't leave them alone with BPD mom and she managed to hold it together in front of them. However, as the kids got older, it became evident that being around BPD mom with her poor boundaries was not a safe situation for them. She began to enlist them as her emotional caretakers, and began to manipulate them. I realized that -if I didn't have safety boundaries, she would repeat the same patterns with them as she did with her own kids.

Once I set safety boundaries, the painting black, the discard - began. After all, she had to save face. If all her friends and relatives her age had unsupervised visits with grandkids- were doing things with their pre-teen and teen grandkids, and she was not, then the blame had to be shifted on to me. I was the terrible daughter "keeping her from her grandkids".

When I took steps to stay clear of her abuse, then I became the terrible daughter who abandoned her parents and this is how many people in her circle perceive me. They have no idea about the situation, nor do they have a clue that the relationship I have with my mother isn't a choice I would have made with the kind of mother they think she is, but that I am trying to do the best I can with a challenging situation.

[isilme]

She is not in a position I would wish on an elderly parent. This isn't who I am. In my own value system - I would not abandon an elderly parent.

She abandoned the mother role first.  It took time for you to see it, but I reconcile this in my head (and I know it may not be healthy, but it's the best I can do so far) as a breach of contract, a violation of the standards terms for an agreement.  Sorry, I work in a slightly litigious job, you follow the rules as listed, or you are in violation and I get the fun task of sending a cease and desist notice until you can get yourself back into compliance.  You are not abandoning her.  You are protecting your family form a disordered person who can hurt them, even if only by being confusing emotionally.

Whether a person enters into mother or fatherhood is not something a minor child has any say in.  Children cannot legally consent to anything.  It's not my fault my mother chose to have me - this does not say I am not grateful for existing (sometimes), but that it was not my choice, so I should not be penalized for her choice to accept the mantle of "mother", or further in my life for her failure to uphold those responsibilities.

Mother - not to gender stereotype too much, but we associate that word particularly with unconditional love, care, warmth, reliability, physical and emotional comforting, sustenance, etc. 

Father - most often associated with protection, provision, and some degree of the same, unconditional love, support, reliability, etc.

Do BPD parents manage to 50.01% of the time fulfill most of these ideals?  Or does their disorder make them reverse things and push those responsibilities off onto their children?  You have children to love THEM, not to force them to show you love in return.  Love comes properly in non-disordered relationships.  You show your kids healthy love, they learn from you, and love you back in a healthy way.  This carries into adulthood, and beyond.

You show your kids disordered emotional dysregulation, where the kids are thrust into fulfilling your needs more often than you do theirs, and things get wonky.