Stubbornness in BPD

[mochalover]

I'm desperately trying to understand how BPD manifests itself as stubbornness. It seems the more i suggest a course of action, the more wife digs in to work against it or even ignore. This after agreeing that we should take action. Its crazymaking behaviour that is just leaving me depressed. She can't explain why she can't/won't/hasn't done what we agreed on. Time and time again, it's always the same pattern. I don't get it. Its like she has a deep-seated need to sabotage any trust i have in her. Does anyone have a clue about this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beren2016]

Welcome.

without knowing the sorts of situations you are talking about it is difficult comment, but based on my experiences with my Girlfriend, who has BPD,It could be that she is feeling overwhelmed and very anxious about the things you have agreed, even if she was receptive initially.

 The feelings could be so extreme and cause her so much anxiety and fear that it is easier to ignore then that go through with it, like when people put off paying a bill will the last minute except in BPD the emotions are x1000. this would not be meant with any malicious intent or her purposefully working against you, although i know i can feel that way, the anxiety may just be so intense that it is paralyzing her into inaction, this would be why she cant explain it to you, as she honestly my not know why.

This could also lead to feelings of shame and self hatred, due to her not carrying out the agreed task and her inability to do so especially if she is confronted about it.

this is  based on the difficulty my girlfriend has with daily tasks such as self care and tidying up her flat and to struggle we have had together to help her with this. With my GFs BPD and anxiety it is not always as easy as just doing a task. 

if this is the case, try talking with her, be as validating as possible, try not to sound like you are making accusations or sound like she has failed, this could trigger the shame she may feel inside, and this could be expressed as anger or go the other way and trigger self hatred.

especially when talking about important task i know it can get frustrating as some tasks need to be done, with this a lot of support and understanding is required as this could be a very delicate issue for her and it may not be easy for her to handle, she may not know how to talk about it.

start by asking what support or help she needs to work on this task and go from there

i hope all is well

[livednlearned]

the more i suggest a course of action, the more wife digs in to work against it or even ignore.

Does it happen when she is actively involved in coming up with the suggested course of action?

It sounds like you are proposing something, she is agreeing, she doesn't follow through, then you get frustrated/angry.

That could be what some refer to as passive compliance. She is communicating compliance while passively resisting, probably a coping mechanism to avoid feeling controlled by someone significant in her life (in this case you).

What do you think of Beren2016's idea to start by asking what support she needs to work on the task?

Can you give us an example of how you propose a course of action and what happens after?