UBPDh is playing financial games

[snowglobe]

 just got an email from uBPDh, please help me respond without emotional outburst. Story preceding-he has another business he ran on the side, alone, which I helped him with. Bank wires, drafts, currency conversions were all on me. He transferred that amount at times to our mutual account to subsidize the bills. Other times he bought crypto currency as an investment. I never really dwelled on where he sent the money as I knew he had family’s interests at the top of his priorities. He didn’t buy anything unless we were taken care of. This time, again, he transferred the money on to the business account (which is registered and operated under my name alone, I don’t have any access to the PayPals or other nuances of the business. He ran his part, I helped him with mine). The amount is large and substantial, monthly salary. He asked for the money to be wired to a person, as he usually pays contractors through wires. The amount he asked to transfer exceeds the amount he transferred over to business account. Below is the exchange:

[snowglobe]

UBPDh: Please send the money <here
Meme: The amount you transferred was fully converted to a balance is xyz usd dollars. For the amount you are requesting, it’s 50 dollars charge. Making it xyz usd dollars short ( at the current rate). After the lease for “the car” will be taken out, there will be xyz  dollars left on that account. Where do I take the rest?
His reply:
We need to get a job
I also will start subsidizing “my crypto company”  next month


When I carefully read the email I was forwarded, it mentioned sending him “the difference in bitcoins”, thus I imagine the full amount isn’t for the contractor.

[Notwendy]

I never really dwelled on where he sent the money as I knew he had family’s interests at the top of his priorities. He didn’t buy anything unless we were taken care of.


This time, he has indicated he does not have you and the children in mind as top priorities. He has indicated that he doesn't want to be around you, doesn't want to pay for your son's therapy. He wants you to sell the house, rent somewhere. He also indicates that he doesn't think you are equal to him as "he feeds you" and he has told you to prostitute yourself for money. He has told you he hates Jews and thinks they all need to die, and that is also directed to you.

He may have taken care of some of the family's needs but he also funds his own cocaine habit and shady business deals on the side. You have no idea what he is going to do with this money and he isn't likely to be up front with you, considering his current ( and past )behavior.

I mention this background as if someone were to tell me that, I would believe this. If they then asked me to send them money from an account in my name only, I would not consider this a game, I would be concerned they were carrying out what they said to me. The money in the account may be all you have for your own survival, and if he really means what he says, he doesn't care about that.

This is not something to react emotionally about with him. This is where to be as savvy and looking out for your own self as he isn't looking out for you. This is where a lawyer needs to be involved. I am hoping there are posters here with experience in this aspect to help advise you. In the meantime, this isn't urgent. He may make it urgent, he may badger you but few things like this are truly urgent. Take your time with this. Keep your cool.

Remember the famous Maya Angelou quote: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

I don't think this is a game. He may very well mean what he says.

Other posters have urged you to take responsibility for your own well being. This includes not having blinders on with financial transactions of money to him or assuming he has your best interest in mind or that the money is even going to what he says it is.  

[snowglobe]

I never really dwelled on where he sent the money as I knew he had family’s interests at the top of his priorities. He didn’t buy anything unless we were taken care of.


This time, he has indicated he does not have you and the children in mind as top priorities. He has indicated that he doesn't want to be around you, doesn't want to pay for your son's therapy. He wants you to sell the house, rent somewhere. He also indicates that he doesn't think you are equal to him as "he feeds you" and he has told you to prostitute yourself for money. He has told you he hates Jews and thinks they all need to die, and that is also directed to you.

He may have taken care of some of the family's needs but he also funds his own cocaine habit and shady business deals on the side. You have no idea what he is going to do with this money and he isn't likely to be up front with you, considering his current ( and past )behavior.

I mention this background as if someone were to tell me that, I would believe this. If they then asked me to send them money from an account in my name only, I would not consider this a game, I would be concerned they were carrying out what they said to me. The money in the account may be all you have for your own survival, and if he really means what he says, he doesn't care about that.

This is not something to react emotionally about with him. This is where to be as savvy and looking out for your own self as he isn't looking out for you. This is where a lawyer needs to be involved. I am hoping there are posters here with experience in this aspect to help advise you. In the meantime, this isn't urgent. He may make it urgent, he may badger you but few things like this are truly urgent. Take your time with this. Keep your cool.

Remember the famous Maya Angelou quote: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

I don't think this is a game. He may very well mean what he says.

Other posters have urged you to take responsibility for your own well being. This includes not having blinders on with financial transactions of money to him or assuming he has your best interest in mind or that the money is even going to what he says it is.  

I don’t believe that the full amount is going to the contractor. There very well may be some shady side kick off back to him, as he is so amazingly clever in crypto industry. I do believe his current business isn’t doing as well as he had hoped. Then again, all of his businesses and investments have been “get rich fast schemes”. There were a few that lasted over time. All of the business he has been involved in are balancing on the “shady side”. Now, he is taking not only what he has made in the other business, but also what he brought in “paycheques”. The consultation with the lawyer is still almost 20 days away.

[Notwendy]

Knowing you can not influence him - if you could imagine what YOU would do with this request, what would you do? Leave him out of the statement, this is to focus on you.

What questions do you have? I know one of them is how to respond without fueling the drama. Are there others? ie how to say no, how to save what is yours, what amount to allow and should you even not comply as he may get violent if you don't. What options do you have to ask about?

Finances are important but not as important as your safety. Since there aren't any plans in place it may be better to keep the status quo than to rock the boat while he is dysregulated. The most important thing is safety first, but even if you do comply quietly, I think you should also consider your well being for the long run.

I don't know the answer. I do consider this to be a potentially unstable and possibly dangerous situation.

The point of posting here is to brainstorm possible scenarios and get advice.

[snowglobe]

Knowing you can not influence him - if you could imagine what YOU would do with this request, what would you do? Leave him out of the statement, this is to focus on you.

What questions do you have? I know one of them is how to respond without fueling the drama. Are there others? ie how to say no, how to save what is yours, what amount to allow and should you even not comply as he may get violent if you don't. What options do you have to ask about?

Finances are important but not as important as your safety. Since there aren't any plans in place it may be better to keep the status quo than to rock the boat while he is dysregulated. The most important thing is safety first, but even if you do comply quietly, I think you should also consider your well being for the long run.

I don't know the answer. I do consider this to be a potentially unstable and possibly dangerous situation.

The point of posting here is to brainstorm possible scenarios and get advice.

I do believe that I don’t have a choice, as I don’t know how much he owes for business development. My refusal to comply will be met with anger and further “sunctions”. Letting him win, in this case may be the only safe choice for me. In a long run, I still have an access to his wallets and will check balance on them as well as take pictures.
Does anyone know, in questions like that, wether it’s crypto currnce, expensive jewelry or other tangibles, am I allowed to ask a lawyer to hold in in possession in case there might be a disputes?

[Notwendy]

One question I have for the legal board is the pros and cons of selling the house. He wants to sell it and can not do it without your agreement and so seems to be escalating his abusive behavior to get you to comply. You have an emotional attachment to it and also your parents are living there. Your mother's desire to stay in the home is escalating her behavior with you as well.

This is something to ask the lawyer. I don't think this is a decision to be made quickly or even at all without advice. However, if your H really wants to leave and feels trapped by the house, then living with an angry and resentful person who is feeling trapped isn't a happy situation. If you live in a marital joint property state and/or your name is on the deed, then I think half the sale would go to you. This would be your own fund, you could rent someplace- obviously not as comfortable, but you would have some fund in your own name that could not be accessible to your H.

It would also displace your parents - and possibly remove you from the dynamics between you and your mother. She may get angry at you, but it is your H who wants to do this. Your parents also own a condo and have income from that too. They won't be homeless if it happens.

If your H wants to divorce you, I don't know the benefit of trying to stop this. He wants to sell the house and I don't know the pros and cons of trying to stop this either. I hope other members with experience can share that.

[ForeverDad]

Isn't there some way to consult with the lawyer when an important issue cmes up?  Sadly, we're not here as lawyers but as experienced peer support.  So we can't give legal advice.  Practical suggestions and strategies, yes, legal advice, no.  This situation does apparently require legal advice if you are to respond while still protecting yourself legally and financially.

You probably have Leverage here and in other matters.  For example, he can't sell the house without your signatures on various legal papers.  That's Leverage.  in our sorts of often very high conflict separations and divorces, you need to take advantage of your Leverage, or else your stbEx will take advantage of you.

Please, please, please don't Gift Away your Leverage.  This is a time to be in self protection mode, not being Ms Nice Gal.  Being nice, cooperative and even compliant is a personality many members have here.  That's partly what got us into our relationship messes.  Being overly nice and overly fair won't help you to get out of the unwinding-the-marriage mess, it will just enable ex to sabotage you even more.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Forever Dad. I think your post is helpful.  I think being overly compliant is an issue in a relationship and would also be when negotiating property if it came to that.

I was the one who made the suggestion to post here from the conflicted board. I agree that these things require advice from a lawyer. When the relationship includes threats of divorce and leaving the other spouse destitute, I think it is important to get legal advice as well as support from people who have experienced the process, rather than act on fears, even if the relationship doesn't progress to divorce.

One way to deal with threats is to not give in to them, but it is difficult when the threats are scary. Knowledge helps to deal with that- things like leverage, what to ask a lawyer, are helpful.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you appeased him in the past and he let you believe it worked. This time it's worse. He's not buying what you're selling and is abusing you financially -- it's escalating to the worst level you've experienced. You withdrew money without his permission and he is punishing you, and you're trying to figure out if this amount is a move to drain accounts and leave you with nothing.

Is that accurate?

Bigger picture, if he is involved in shady businesses, he is likely making a gamble that a) you wouldn't dream of getting a lawyer involved (e.g. Snowglobe is submissive, H's past behavior has seen to that), and/or 2) he is certain that legal sunlight on his transactions won't incriminate him.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking -- are you trying to figure out if you should not wire him money? If you don't wire it, the conflict escalates (he wins). If you wire it, the conflict is tabled for now (he wins).

What choices do you feel you have?

[formflier]

Please, please, please don't Gift Away your Leverage.  This is a time to be in self protection mode

What is the latest on this issue.  I can't imagine "just giving him what he wants" in any way helps your situation.

FF

[snowglobe]

What is the latest on this issue.  I can't imagine "just giving him what he wants" in any way helps your situation.

FF

@Ff,
I was waiting on a quiet moment to reflect and answer on both of my latest posts. I did the wire he was asking me, before he slipped into his cocaine induced coma. It usually helps him to self regulate and “come out of it”, what ever he is into. Not this time. I am not a clinician, yet, I observed his dysregulation to be so severe that it only helped me momentarily, leaving him in a worst state of depression and anguish.
The following day he was “recuperating”, and didn’t emerg at all from the bedroom. 26 hrs of sleep later he came out, did speak, and the same day issued me a cheque I was asking in a first place (the one he cohered me into wripping), I’m gonna Mae it through this month. He is continuing bleeding financially, profusely. When I asked him why he is delaying the visit to a lawyer to see how can he get out of commitment for his business “away from home”, he brushed me aside and told me “it’s none of your business”. Things aren’t back fully to “extermination and genoside” as my friends call it. Yet, he again dropped “we should sell the house and you should give me all the money from sale” this morning. It’s his “leverage” and a method of fear inducing. After some calculations I’m confident I can make it on my own. I won’t be able to provide for the kids the same way he is, but we aren’t going to die or starve to death.

[AnuDay]

When the relationship sours I find it hard to go from lover to enemy.  It's easy for the BPD to paint you black instantly, but for us healthy minded people, the transition from friend to foe is a little more gradual.  I imagine the OP finds it hard to believe that her husband could have such bad thoughts about her and her children.  The OP may not even be able to process this.  Needless to say it is important for the OP to be in self-protection mode at this stage and whatever steps she takes to preserve her and her kids safety are good no matter how gradual.  Most of us know how this ends