Depriving love vs undermining authority

[TinySafetyDancer]

I get home from work and he is making her Mac and cheese. A huge bowl, maybe the entire box goes into a bowl and he tells her to eat it. She sits there, takes 2 bites and doesn’t want it. The situation starts to escalate. I think I do well here, calming everyone down and getting a smaller plate for her and putting a reasonable amount on the plate for a 3 year old-almost 4. We’ll call her “Z”.  So she eats while we talk about his day. He gets intense and I can tell if I say the wrong thing or disagree now it’s going to be explosive. I stay quiet and try not to comment too much because my opinions are stupid. The , he sees her with a pen dispenser. Grandparents are great, aren’t they? Where else would children get diabetes? Anyway... .
BP-yells at z to see what do you have? Candy? No candy! You have to eat
Z-scared starts to cry
BP-mad he didn’t get an answer gets closer to her and sternly, almost a yell asks do you have candy?
Me-steps in and says she doesn’t. When I came home she was playing with it.
BP-again he yells do you have candy?
Z-crying harder
Me-believe me she didn’t! I tell him if she had candy it was gone a while ago. I leave the room because he doesn’t. He is angry that I am saying anything, taking her side I guess?
Z-comes running in after me crying arms up
Me-hugs her, holds her
BP-comes in the kitchen. Demands I put His daughter down and leave or he will beat the hell out of me. It may have been the “___ing ___” out of me.
Me-gets scared and cries too. The threat of violence this often has never been a part of my reality. I try to mouth words so I don’t say them in front of z
BP-still mad and says I am making it so much worse and demands again under threat that I put her down and give him his daughter back. I didn’t take her in the first place!
Me-puts z down despite the crying because she can be taken away from me. I am not her mom. I go into another room. Come out to find that he has picked up Z and is now holding her while she cry’s. What is that doing? Teaching her to what? That I am what? Leaving? Getting beaten? When she stops herself from crying she gets down and comes over to sit beside me. Normally she would be on my lap. She is careful not to touch me. Maybe I am reading into that last part.

About 45 minutes and his tone has changed. He is more gental and seems normal but I am screaming inside. Terrified and having trouble making decisions. Wanting to converse but knowing what I say is going to be wrong or anger him further.  I cry in the dark while we watch The Nighmare before Christmas

This is a limit, I will not deprive her of love to punish. Especially for something she didn’t do! I won’t undermine but the rage was undeserved and I wanted her to know that. What is said in front of z is permanent and has affects we can’t predict or see yet.  I will not abandon her because he says so in a rage, in that unhinged tone. If you want me to leave you will have to be calm about it. No text and in a voice that is yours, not the disorders voice. There is a difference.

He puts z to bed, reads to her, is calm when he comes in to the bathroom and looks confused that I am crying. Then we get into blaming me for crossing boundaries with his child. I need to “know my place”. . I can work for him, getting her things she needs from food to clothes to bathing her, play with her, protect her. Ultimately though, she is not mine and I don’t have a degree in childhood development or sociology so I am not qualified to help raise his child. We go to bed angry, hurt, silent eventually. Not resolving anything. Keep in mind, earlier this week I was “perfect”—I had stayed home from work to complete a project that was stressing him out.

I guess the only question is what else could I do? What should I have done differently? Let him yell at her? Not step in at all?

[scraps66]

I think you did great.  That was Dr. Jekyl-Mr. Hyde that showed up.  It seems he feels a bit threatened and certainly insecure of his own parenting abilities.

The threat and possibility of violence is concerning at a minimum.  I'm not certain about how best to deal with that part but others here are.  Going forward if around him, maybe the best thing no matter how difficult would be to try and make it "appear" that there is a unified front of you and BP.  It may take some validating techniques FOR BP!  This would be to try and de-escalate situations for Z's benefit.

[Turkish]

TinySafetyDancer,

Do you have a safety plan? That he's verbally aggressive towards a child is concerning,  but I'm worried about his threat towards you.  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

What else has been going on? We're here for you 

T