My FOG

[5min]

Fear - of being hit, and of the lie she may tell.

Obligation - married so we belong to each other. I feel I should help her get better.

Guilt - that I want out. That I can not take the continual stream of  hate, ranting, name calling, bitching, etc. Guilt when I think about not being there for her because I'm trying to survive or self medicate. Guilt that when the stress goes down, I'm being sucked back in or that I feel obligated to stay.

The stress reaches such a high level that my mind starts shutting down, begin to feel that l am going to fall. Feel like I am about to black out.

What are your experiences?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i felt a lot of devotion and obligation to remain in my relationship as well. some good reasons, some not as good.

you sound exhausted, and that doesnt seem sustainable. change is scary, and it can feel like moving a mountain when our mental health is in decline.

have you been hit? when was the last time?

[5min]

I have been hit. The last time was 3-4 weeks ago. Sunday night was a ranting fest for 2 hrs until we got home from dropping off our daughter back off at college. Last night was ranting followed by silence.

I am exhausted.

[once removed]

a strong support system is really critical 5min. if youre not presently, it would be a good idea to see a therapist.

there are a lot of significant problems here, and it can be hard to know where to start in terms of tackling them, but without change, things are likely to stay the same or get worse.

how long have the two of you been married, and for how long has the violence been going on?

what did she rant about sunday and last night? what happened? tell us more.

[5min]

I do see a therapist and that helps. What I really need is an escape plan.
We have been married for almost13 years. I used to think the good times were so great but really they are just not the horrific bad. They are not normal either and are not special.
The violence started about 7 years ago.
Sunday was because I told a story that was a trigger. I find it does not matter what I say or do, it is always the wrong thing. I'll get confirmation in a rant about how I'm a POS, ass, mean, coward, and the cause of every problem in her life.
Last night was the same insecurity induced BS about me gawking at someone. We have not had a totally good vacation or trip devoid of her accusations or rants. Vacations are not. They are extremely stressful. I used to love to travel. I used to love many things but now do none of them.
She continually wants me to talk, to tell her what I am thinking. Not JADE-ing takes everything away. I have no hope that she will ever get better.

[Notgoneyet]

5min,
Sorry for your terribly rough time you're having in you're marriage right now. 
I've been right where you are w my uBPDw of 34yrs not too many years ago.
Decided one day I was done being a punching bag. Just before her first 1st swing I told her we both needed to calm down a bit & I was leaving for a short while to help us both cool off and we can pick back up on the disagreement/ conversation later if we both feel up to it. She did not like this sudden change & fought against it many ways, Followed me out, beat on the car door, threw things at me, broke down & cried, threatened the big D, etc.
After a while of consistently doing this I stopped being the punching bag. These tools are All taught on these pages and in some of many books recommended here.

Quote:
" The stress reaches such a high level that my mind starts shutting down, begin to feel that l am going to fall. Feel like I am about to black out"
 
2yrs ago (about the same time I found this site) I had my yearly phs. & blood work showed my cortisol (Stress Hormone) level was dangerously high . That was my wake up call. Got into my self care & stayed w it ever since. Meditation, Yoga, Exercise, 12 step groups, Days away from home. All this stuff seemed selfish to me but I believe it has saved my life & my marriage.
 
Do any of those ideas sound like they could work/help in your situation?

Sending you hope & strength , NGY

[Radcliff]

Can you tell us more about her violence?  What triggers it, what exactly does she do, and how do you react?  Everyone's situation is different.  Sometimes it is possible to stop violence by pushing back, sometimes it is not.  If you can give us more detail, we can help you chart a course.

How are you sleeping?  Does she keep you up or wake you up?

Does she attempt to control your movements, such as by blocking an exit so you'll talk to her?

RC

[5min]

Her violence is everything form hitting, biting, slapping, punching, to breaking things over my head (mirror, iPad, brush, etc). Sometimes she slaps herself saying it is what I want.

Sleeping? 4-5 hrs a night and not nearly enough. In good times, she is up trying to finish one more thing. In bad, she is raging until the am.

Yes, she blocks the exit maybe more from control and wanting to rant than wanting to talk.

She threatens divorce all the time.

As for self care, I don't have time or should I say she fills my time. But, yes that would help and yes I need to make it happen.