Clearly not working but trapped in a cycle

[inthemiddle1]

The relationship is clearly over. I am emotionally drained and my SO is becoming worse and worse by the day. I am at my wit's end, highly stressed and suffering from panic attacks frequently.

My pwBPD is chronically suicidal, he has threatened it before and I don't believe these are empty threats either. I really don't know how to do this... .at the moment he is staying with his mum and dad, as they've come to visit him. I know that this won't get any better now, the relationship is beyond repairing and I can't cope with this cycle anymore. I was so close to just breaking it off this morning, after another night of multiple phone calls, accusations, blame, etc. but then I get hit with the 'sorry's' and 'I've failed you' and then I feel trapped again, because what kind of a person would I be to add to the upset and hurt by then leaving him when he's trying to be better. I understand this is unhealthy as it never truly gets better and guaranteed I will be in the same position as last night, this night and many more if I choose to listen to these apologies.

I need some advice on how to exit as peacefully as I can without adding extra stress, guilt, blame and resentment to both parties.

[Lucky Jim]

I get hit with the 'sorry's' and 'I've failed you' and then I feel trapped again, because what kind of a person would I be to add to the upset and hurt by then leaving him when he's trying to be better.

Hey inthemiddle, I'm sorry to hear that your r/s is breaking down.  Why are you putting a guilt trip on yourself?  It's about what works for you, not "what kind of person would [you] be if . . . ."   You sound like a kind and caring person, but at the end of the day you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  It took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept.

How long have you and your BPD SO been together?  Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim

[inthemiddle1]

I've told him and his mum was clearly very angry at me, telling me that they have to go to the hospital now. He was begging and begging for me to stay, to come and see him next week as we'd planned, to just give it one more chance. I feel like I've already given one too many chances and I'm completely spent. How do you ignore the begging and pleading cries? It's so hard because I can't stand to see someone hurt. Especially from what feels like my own doing... .I don't know how to cope with this emotional pain, I feel like I've just ruined his life and am now the cause of him being hospitalised again. The relationship has only been a year long but have spent most of it arguing and in the same emotional anguish that we a experiencing now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, inthemiddle, I suggest you decline to take all of that on yourself.  You have neither ruined his life nor put him in the hospital.  You don't have that kind of power, in my view.  I admire your courage for telling him that things are over (I think that's what you told him, right?).  You sound like an empathetic person and I understand that it's hard.  On the other hand, it will be a lot harder the longer you postpone the detaching, so in my view you are doing the right thing, i.e., what is right for you.  Be careful about F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which is how a pwBPD will attempt to manipulate you.

LJ

[inthemiddle1]

Hi LJ,

I have told him that I cannot cope with the relationship any more and that I feel that we both need time apart from the relationship to heal ourselves. I said multiple times during the conversation that it was over and that I was indeed breaking up with him, but was apprehensive to decline when he pleaded for me to give it one more chance and to just come to see him again, so I feel like he will cling on to that hesitation and distort in his mind that it really isn't over and will try and make contact again and ask as if we are still in a relationship... He tried ringing about 15minutes after the 'breakup' but I didn't answer as I was then dealing with all of my painful emotions... .should I continue this or reiterate that it is indeed a break up? I really didn't want it to end like this. I just feel horrible. I really don't know where I stand anymore, I care about him immensely, but we are both at rock bottom it seems and I just don't feel we can function in the relationship until both of us are in a better place. It feels so wrong, turning away from a loved one at a time when they may need you the most... .

[Lucky Jim]

I have told him that I cannot cope with the relationship any more and that I feel that we both need time apart from the relationship to heal ourselves.

Hey itm,  Give yourself credit for telling him.  Right, you both need a break and time apart in order to heal.  That's your truth so I suggest that you hold your ground.  No, it's not wrong to bail out when the plane is going down.  Unlike you, I went through a crash landing, which was not fun, believe me.  I think you were wise to decline that call 15 mins later and I suggest that you think about how much contact is healthy for you.  Some go LC (low contact), others go NC (no contact) for purposed of detaching.  It's up to you to figure out what works best for you and your healing.  If I can make another suggestion, it would be to put yourself first for a change, by returning the focus to you and your needs.

Maybe I'm a little jaded after going through a divorce from a pwBPD.  I'm sure others will chime in with their perspectives.

LJ

[Cat Familiar]

Hi inthemiddle,
I want to give you a big hug because I know how difficult this is for you.     

Your relationship has only lasted a year and much of that has been spent in chaos and distress. You are not responsible for his emotional state. He brought that to the relationship and his problems have existed far longer than you've known him.

We all bring our emotional baggage to a relationship, but likely yours' is the size of a makeup bag, while his is "steamer trunk" sized. This is not his first hospitalization for mental illness apparently.

Though he may have indicated that he thinks you're the key to healing him, this is a common tactic of people with BPD. They will latch onto a strong emotionally healthy person (who is either codependent or has rescuer tendencies) and drain them until they are emotionally, physically, psychologically, psychically completely depleted.

I know, I was married to one for 20 years. I kept hope alive for far too long and thankfully got out with my life, just barely.

This is a preview of what a marriage to such an individual is like and you can read countless stories here that are very similar to yours. The decision is up to you--is this what you want to deal with in the future? If not, pulling the bandaid off quickly is kinder for all concerned.

Best wishes,
Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Hi inthemiddle,
How are things today? Have you come to a resolution?

Cat