22 year old son with BPD is destroying our family

[Mrs. Tired]

It's hard to know where to start. Our 22 year old son with BPD was doing well from November 2017 until May 2018 when he lost a job he loved (actually NOT his fault). He start feeling sorry for himself, then began using cocaine, spent all his money, then started stealing our money and finally the  heirloom jewelry my Mother left me. He learned that if he calls 911 before I do, he won't get in trouble. He actually manipulated an officer so that I was arrested for attacking him. He will not leave the house. When my husband physically put him out he broke the window in the front door and climbed back in. Unbelievably, after he has put me in this impossible position, trying to defend myself in court without the $5000 needed to hire an attorney, he still asks for money and favors. He is awaiting admittance in a BPD program, for which he missed his original intake date. I am so tired of this kid. How can one hate someone you loved?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Mrs Tired and welcome

I am so sorry to hear of what you are currently going through, you really sound as though you are at your wits end with your 22 year old son’s behaviour.

It seems that him losing his much loved job was the catalyst for his turnaround in behaviour. Have you been struggling with this since May 2018? Does he have a start date yet for the BPD programme that he is waiting for?

How can one hate someone you loved?

I’m sure that is how you are feeling right now, this is what BPD can do to us, but I’m wondering, are you able to separate the BPD from your son? It can help if you can do this. You can hate the disorder whilst still loving your son. What are your thoughts on this? x 

[wendydarling]

Hello Mrs. Tired 

I join Feeling Better, welcome to the family.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place, your son's behaviour has escalated since he lost his job and loured to drugs. I can't even begin to think what it must feel like for you, in the position of defending yourself in court for assault.   Devastating. I'm glad you've come to talk with us, work this through, parents here understand, many in similar situations, crisis point. How's your husband coping? As Feeling Better says, love the person, hate the disorder, understanding the disorder can help dissipate the hate, fear ….

Is your son still at home, what's happening, has he taken control of your home?

WDx

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Mrs. Tired:

I posted in  my new thread about how my daughter has robbed me twice this year when she lived at my home.  I did legally evict her from my home, and knowing she had no job or anywhere else to go, too.  It got to that point with me where I was no longer functioning, because trying so hard to deal with her took me down to a place where I just literally couldn't.  I absolutely understand what you're talking about.

My daughter got on meds after a week in the hospital, which has really helped things with her.  She is also living at my parents house, which has given me a much needed respite from it all.  My parents had refused to help all these years, but when I put her out, my mother couldn't deal with her being homeless, and stepped in.  I am glad she did and my daughter has been trying really hard with my parents which is a plus for all of us.  She is getting up in the mornings, interviewing for jobs, working on college applications... .all the things she refused to do when she lived at my house, but that I wanted her to do so badly.  It's perplexing to me why she just does this with them, but wouldn't with me, but I don't care, and am just thankful for it.

She's had dinner with me and my husband two nights in a row.  Last night, she was exhausted, said she hasn't slept in like five days, so she literally fell asleep before dinner in honor of her (I made her favorites).  She didn't eat much at all and went back to sleep and it's almost 1030 the next morning, and she's still asleep (been asleep for almost 14 hours now).  I don't want to wake her, but I know my parent's rule at their house is she has to be up and out of bed by 10am. I know she didn't have a wild night, she was here, so I'm not pressing it... .

I suspect your son's drug possibly similar to my daughters, which had a lot to do with self medicating.  When she got the meds she needed, the major drugs went away (she still is smoking weed, which I don't approve of, but have no control over).  Also, this change of scenery for her changed who she was hanging with, which immediately changed her daily activities.  I hope your son gets to BPD treatment or therapy.  Also, it was hard, but we lived through the 30 days of hell to get the eviction done, then I think 10 more days till it was a must, but once you do a legal eviction, you get your home back.  It's not a decision I, or anyone else can make for you, but I cannot live with my BPD child... .at least not anytime soon... .I need a LOT of skills under my belt and to see them at work for a good while before I try to live with her again... .it was absurd, with the police here every other day and broken things strewn about and my nerves frazzled... .