My husband says it’s all me

[Natacha]

Hi

My husband has moved out but says he wants to save the relationship but when we are together he sometimes points out that I am the problem and he would take any pretext to start an argument or to accuse me of hurting his feelings. He distorts what I say or misunderstands it. He wants me to change but cannot specify what.  He feels like he is a piece of dirt on my shoe and he is not enough for me even when I tell him it is not the case. He says that I make him feel like  he is the problem, that I am in denial, and if he is the problem : why would I want to be with him ?

Anybody has experienced this and knows how to deal with it and save the relationship ?

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Natacha and

im sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but i am glad you found us. youve definitely come to the right place.

a good place to start that would give us more information to help you would be if you can tell us:

1. how long have the two of you been married? do you have children together?

2. what are the primary, constant sources of conflict in your marriage as you see them? what would you say are the primary sources conflict as he sees them?

3. what led up to his moving out... .did things hit a breaking point? is this new or out of nowhere?

[Natacha]

1. We have been married for 18 years and he wants to feel like he felt when we first met. We have 2 teenage children and he says he lost me when I got pregnant with the first one.

2. The sources of conflict as I see them : he wants me to change but doesn’t say what he wants to be changed. If I have the slightest facial expression showing that I don’t agree he says that I am abusing him. He changes what I say or misunderstand it and when I try to explain he will deny this is what I meant. He thinks he is not important, not appreciated, that he has only been fulfilling my needs, that I am not his priority, that I am controlling and abusive. 

3. We have been going counselling for a year and it didn’t help resolving the problems as I wanted that we both solve the problems but in his view he went counselling and it was,only me. He said for a long time he was in transition but wouldn’t explain what he meant. what pushed him is when he said that I had BPD and after  I read about it and I said in counselling that it was a relief and explaining a lot of things he got really upset and told me that I had lost my,husband. I didn’t get angry but asked my friends what they thought and if I was showing any signs and they answered negatively. I even went to a counsellor I saw years before to know if  was showing any signs and she told me that I am living with a difficult man.
Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago when I first came to this site I recall reading somewhere that BPD has sometimes been called a Blamer's illness.  In your case it might be better to add another phrase, Blame Shifting.  He knows there are problems but it's not his fault, so it has to be you.  He can't have BPD, so it has to be you.  The Denial is that huge.

You were a year in counseling.  His denial and blame-shifting prevented him from really benefiting.

And he was so emotionally convincing, or insisting, that you even went to a former counselor to ask whether you really were the problem.  Have you watched the 1940s movie, Gaslight?  That's where the term 'gaslighting' comes from.

Another factor, you mentioned that he claimed it all changed when you had the children.  Maybe he was comfortable enough when it was just the two of you.  Interesting that now the kids are nearly grown this is still an issue.  A normal person, if truly missing the two-ness, would look forward to being just two people again.  So this is not the real issue, it's his perceptions that are skewed.

Having kids was a trigger for him.  There can be so many triggers besides births... .deaths, funerals, holidays, vacations, packing for vacations, the list can be endless.

[Highlander]

Hi Natacha,

This is what once happened between myself and my Hubby.  He would say something that would turn my facial expressions to shock, or anger etc and this would only get him even more upset, accusing me of having problems, not him.

Once he was diagnosed with BPD, I learnt that negative facial expressions are enough to set off pwBPD.  I learnt to put on my sincere face, learnt to validate his emotions (not words) and to never JADE (Justify, Answer, Defend or Explain). 

These skills are here on this website. 

How it worked for us was like this:

Hubby:  “I hate you, you've got problems”.

Me [with new sincere face]:  “Can I get you a cup of tea.  I can see some thing’s bothering you and I'm here to listen”.

It would help to guide him towards his emotions and usually, it wasn't something I'd done actually done but he was upset with someone or something else.

It took a lot of practice, trial and error, but these tools helped immensely.   

[once removed]

2. The sources of conflict as I see them : he wants me to change but doesn’t say what he wants to be changed. If I have the slightest facial expression showing that I don’t agree he says that I am abusing him. He changes what I say or misunderstand it and when I try to explain he will deny this is what I meant. He thinks he is not important, not appreciated, that he has only been fulfilling my needs, that I am not his priority, that I am controlling and abusive. 

this is hard stuff, and not uncommon to BPD.

how long has this conflict been going on... .was it present early on in your relationship/marriage, or were those better times?

He said for a long time he was in transition but wouldn’t explain what he meant.

are there any outside stressors in his life... .loss of a loved one, loss of a job, anything significant that might have pushed him over the edge so to speak?

often times with someone with BPD traits, when their environment is in chaos, their inner world can be in chaos, they can tend to cling to, and/or blame people closest to them, and they can struggle tremendously with a sense of who they are.

[Natacha]

Thank you very much for your replies. It is a great help to know you are not alone.

[Natacha]

My husband says he lost me when I got pregnant and that my priority changed. Anybody else has experienced this ? he still says it although our eldest is 17 years old.

[ForeverDad]

I've said that my ex changed after my son was born.  It was almost like she couldn't love two people.  In time it seemed like she had to love one  (me and son against the world) and hate the other.  One or the other, not both.  That's a trait of these acting out PDs, perfectly normal traits are blown up out of proportion.

It worsened tremendously when he reached the age she always claimed as the time her mother got involved with her stepfather.  Then she started comparing me to her childhood tormentor, and predictably I didn't measure up.

Be assured that you surely weren't like that.  Yes, you did have to split your attention to include your children, but that wasn't the rejection he has claimed.  This is projection talking, he's naming you when really it was his skewed perceptions.

In addition, now that they're nearly grown, you would think he would see the "two-ness" soon to return.  That's what a normal husband would think and say.  Rather than building the relationship this seems to be continual chipping away at it.  That's neither positive nor helpful.

[once removed]

My husband says he lost me when I got pregnant and that my priority changed. Anybody else has experienced this ? he still says it although our eldest is 17 years old.

i havent experienced it directly, as ive never married nor had children, but i know that it is not necessarily uncommon. a lot of men struggle to find their place watching their partner attach to a new child. my mom told me that at a young age, my dad confided to her that i seemed to prefer her to him (pretty common in development). i also have a close friend who told me he found his fathers journals, and that he wrote that his son (who was an infant) and wife had abandoned him.

so, certainly someone with abandonment fears might struggle greatly.

tell us more about what he says these days.