Feeling sad and hopeless

[Gerri]

I haven’t posted for a long time. My 27 year old daughter is vey knowledgeable about BPD. She has been therapy for years including DBT. She has a good relationship with her current therapist.  She has a bachelors degree. She lives at home. She is very responsible, house/pet sits, part time nanny. She has made great strides and I’m proud of her.  She is a very kind,loving person. I’m sad because she doesn’t like herself. She thinks family members don’t like, thinks she’s a “loser” because she still lives at home. This came up in conversation yesterday. She brought up her childhood, various instances when she felt slighted or hurt. She stopped hanging out with people during Covid. She also had lost 3 friends in the past 5 years 2 drug overdoses and 1 horrible car accident.  She said she doesn’t want any friends because she doesn’t want anybody to depend on her. It’s heartbreaking. I listened, apologized,validated as best I could. We both hugged and cried. I feel helpless and wish I could do more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Covid has been tough on everyone, and it's too bad she feels shame for living with you when she sounds like she's doing very well.

She said she doesn’t want any friends because she doesn’t want anybody to depend on her.

Do you think that's true, or that she's talking about herself due to core shame that pwBPD feel about themselves?

[Sancho]

Hi Gerri
It breaks your heart when your child is sad and lonely. We want to find a way to take the hurt away, so that they can live life to the full and have confidence in themselves and their pathway.

Yours is the first post I think I have read here that describes a parent being able to discuss things, have a cry and a hug with their BPD child. It is an amazing achievement that has been earned no doubt by the effort of both you and your daughter.

We are so often defined by what we think others think about us, rather than seeing our achievements. I hope your dd can move towards appreciating herself and the person she is rather than what others think about anything or anyone.

It is also a real challenge when we use friends so your dd has been through a difficult time.

The ability to share her thoughts and feelings with you though is just a great thing. You listen and validate - and perhaps doing that is what will help your dd in the longrun. We all need a sounding board - not to solve our problems but to hear ourselves say it all out loud. When we can do this we often are working towards our own solutions.

Thank you for posting. It is always helpful for us all when people are willing to share their journey with us.

[Vincent56]

Mama, don't tell her you're sorry.  And you know what, they pick up the tiniest word in a conversation and that's what the entire week is going to be about.  Tell her that it must be just awful for her that in that conversation those words were what hurt.  I feel your sadness.  I was crying so much the other day I couldn't stop. It's heart breaking to see our girls this way and wonder what we did wrong, even though it's not our fault.  Meditate, be mindful, don't ruminate, get yourself some help too.