New to Group. Married for 18 yrs and living in turmoil

[slowsteve]

Hi. Just joined.  I am concerned about my wife.  We been married for 18 years, and we are constantly living in turmoil.  I looked of the BPD traits, and she meets about 4 of the criteria.  Looking forward to help here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.

You are in the right place to talk with others who are in a similar situation.  What are some of the behaviors that make you suspect BPD?  What would you say your biggest challenge is at this time?

I hope you share more about your situation when you feel ready.

 

[slowsteve]

The short story is then when I was dating my wife, she seemed so stable and kind.  Not long after having kids, she started losing control of her emotions.  I guess my biggest challenge is feeling embarrassed being married to someone who causes so much pain and drama for everyone we have contact with.  Doctors, teachers, family, friends.  She’s pushed away her whole side of the family.  My family is a bit more accepting, but keeps their distance from us.  We also have very few friends.  On the positive side, we do have great kids who are thriving considering the circumstances.  I guess my biggest challenge is actually shielding the kids.  But luckily, she seems to take out her problems mostly on me, and her family, and not our kids.  I’ve thought about leaving her, but I feel that the kids need me present to protect them.  So happy to be here.  I just started readying “walking on eggshells”, saw this site in the first chapter, and joined.

[Harri]

As you settle in and read you will see that you are not alone.  We have members who are just beginning to learn about BPD and others who have been here a while working on things so you will get a ton of support.  Unfortunately what you describe sounds familiar.  

The book you are reading is quite good.  We have a lot of articles here as well that i think you will find helpful.  Some of the ones you may find most helpful are in a banner just above your first post on this page.  

How old are your kids?

[slowsteve]

We have two girls.  16 and 14.  And a 9 year old son.

[Harri]

Supporting your kids is important and as an adult child of a mentally ill mother, I know just how vital that is.  One of the best ways to do that is to take care of yourself too.  Having a support system is vital.  You have us here and hopefully will be able to either re-connect with old friends and your own family.

Learning about the disorder, learning to use the communication tools and how to set boundaries and limits is important not just for you but also to show your kids a healthier way  of being and interacting with their mom.   How are you with boundaries?  What do you do when your wife dysregulates? 

[slowsteve]

What does setting boundaries mean for some w bp

[Harri]

Can you give an example of what you have tried?  Boundaries can be very tricky as there are a lot of variables involved depending on the people involved.  To put it simply though, boundaries are about us and what we will do to protect us while also acting in ways that are consistent with our personal values.  

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits is an article we have here that explains what I am talking about when I mention personal values.  

Something that might help is to first learn how to communicate in ways that can help prevent dysregulation or at least not make things worse.  Learning how not to invalidate is important as is learning to not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).

EDIT:  sorry, I hit post too soon.  Read the articles, ask questions, see how you may apply these  things in your own relationship.  Learning not to make things worse will help you to settle yourself and make it easier to implement boundaries.

Let's talk about this and see what we can come up with.

[slowsteve]

Thanks. I think this will make more sense once I read eggshells book. Just starting it.

[once removed]

I think this will make more sense once I read eggshells book. Just starting it.

hows it coming? im guessing its pretty eye opening in a relieving sort of way!

how old are the kids, and whats their relationship with mom like? do they see her taking problems out on you?