Whatever triggers my girlfriend brings up every way I have made her unhappy

[Beren2016]

Hi all

again sorry for the simple question but i realy feel like i need to here your experiences on the basics at them minute.

it feels like atm whatever triggers my girlfriend (could be the smallest thing right now) it brings up every way i have made her unhappy in the last six years which inevitable tends to cause an attempted break up. i don't how to begin to validate 6 years worth of conflict so this then sends me into a defensive JADE cycle.


the argument will sound very familiar i am sure; comes out of the blue, so i am totally unprepared, and i immediately become the worst person ever with every thing held against me, it actually feels like she is says the things that she knows will hurt me and i always feel like she subconsciously wants me to feel the pain and emotion that she is feeling in that moment... .


i feel trapped and frozen in the argument, i am learning to SET and this is fine of other events but 6 years worth of conflict i cant begin to know how to validate. If i leave, it feels like i would immediately be shut out or i would receive a text which would cause me to go back (and the JADEing picks up where it left off).


after the emotions have subsided she is like a different person, i understand how to deal with issues that come with BPD but right now this level of rage is something i relay do not know how to resolve.
this is causing trauma for both of us, she feels intensely invalidated and i panic (for lack of a better word) and i have notice my responses to upsetting her changing over time and become more like my girlfriend can be in her highly anxious moments (fear of upsetting her and freaking out and over apologizing)

i would love to be able to say "we are both very emotional right now, lets come back to this in the morning/in an hour" but i really can see i working as i think my girlfriend needs the conflict and to cause pain to feel validated.

how do people resolve this sort of conflict?

thank you all

  

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beren2016]

spelling correction

i would love to be able to say "we are both very emotional right now, lets come back to this in the morning/in an hour" but i really can see i working as i think my girlfriend needs the conflict and to cause pain to feel validated.



this was meant to read  "but i really cant see this working"

[once removed]

probably a lot of us with experience in this type of conflict that im hoping will chime in with whats worked for them and hasnt.

you dont validate someone who is throwing the kitchen sink at you.

you see it for what it is. someone who is overwhelmed and letting it all out. and of course, you certainly dont want to escalate matters by invalidating them.

you can listen and hear her, and that may or may not take some steam out of her. sometimes thats all our partners really want/need, and sometimes they need that conflict, our reaction and dont feel heard unless they get it, and you really dont want to reward that.

If i leave, it feels like i would immediately be shut out or i would receive a text which would cause me to go back (and the JADEing picks up where it left off).

i would love to be able to say "we are both very emotional right now, lets come back to this in the morning/in an hour" but i really can see i working as i think my girlfriend needs the conflict and to cause pain to feel validated.

again, thats not behavior you really want to reward or encourage. you are probably right that if you took a time out, things would probably get worse before they got better, but more than likely, if you are loving, consistent, and firm, and dont take the bait if she tries to draw you back into conflict (and she may), it will get better. she will know your limits, and she will stop doing what doesnt work.

what do you think?

[hopefulbutlost17]

again, thats not behavior you really want to reward or encourage. you are probably right that if you took a time out, things would probably get worse before they got better, but more than likely, if you are loving, consistent, and firm, and dont take the bait if she tries to draw you back into conflict (and she may), it will get better. she will know your limits, and she will stop doing what doesnt work.

what do you think?

I would have to agree with Once Removed on this one.  OR gave me some really good suggestions last week when I accidentally burned dinner.  It somehow triggered my ex (along with our topic of conversation, which now I know better than to add my two cents and just listen).  I began to JADE a little too and apologize for something I shouldn't have really apologized more than once for.  I stopped myself in the middle of my responses and let my ex go off and after a while I wished her a good night and went to sleep. I didn't give her raging too much attention in my responding but rather just let her vent.  Some of the things that were said stung a little but I knew this was just her releasing so I let her be.  The next day, I received an apology message for her behavior.  This taught me to understand her need to release and just listen and not JADE cause then it would encourage/reward her behavior.  I also reassured her that I was there to listen if she needed me to and I thanked her for her apology.  Now we are past it and in a bit of a better place. Since then, I have been receiving a lot of appreciation, thank you's, understanding and asking instead of assuming on her part, in return. 

[Beren2016]

Thank you both for you advice,  i really needed it this morning.

i agree with what you both have said and i will definitely take it on-board,  the problem is,  it feels like it is getting harder for me to be logical and i am increasingly emotional, and it is making it harder to enact these things as my focus shifts to damage control and it feels like i am falling down a well and scrambling for a hand hold.

Even my GF has commented that at times my reactions to things are slightly BPD. I believe she means for example, if something i say/do unintentionally triggers her and she is angry or giving me silent treatment have started saying things like "i know i have done wrong" and talk alot about having "made a mistake" this ties in with feeling of fear of making her angry and i know that i have started projecting and thinking that she is upset when she isn't,  this is the the same sort of thing that thing that my Girlfriend does if i am in a bit of a bad mood and the same thing she does if she feels like she has cause me to be upset... .

i am actually a little bit worried about myself, it feels like my behavior has changed, and i dont know how to get back to the person i used to be so i can manage situation the way i used to and like you suggest.

i think i went off on a bit of a tangent but thank you for your advice
 

[hopefulbutlost17]

Thank you both for you advice,  i really needed it this morning.

i agree with what you both have said and i will definitely take it on-board,  the problem is,  it feels like it is getting harder for me to be logical and i am increasingly emotional, and it is making it harder to enact these things as my focus shifts to damage control and it feels like i am falling down a well and scrambling for a hand hold.

I've been in your shoes. Damage control is our main priority because after the fact (a fight, etc) we step out of the box and realize what we should've done instead of emotionally reacting.  Totally get you.  I was in that place several times and even up until last month. Just like the advice that has been given to me, it takes practice to utilize the tools that have been provided on here. I still catch myself emotionally reacting but I have to stop myself.  When I couldn't contact my ex after a fight (she would block me) I would start to get anxious and want to drive to where I know she is and do damage control.  With my personal BPD research and the advice given on here, I have gotten better at "listening" to her need for space and understand her more.  I constantly get on this website to reassure myself that what I am doing is right or get advice of the current situation at hand.  

i am actually a little bit worried about myself, it feels like my behavior has changed, and i dont know how to get back to the person i used to be so i can manage situation the way i used to and like you suggest.

Again, I relate completely. I lost myself being engulfed in my relationship with my ex and how to "fix" it rather than understand her.  We have to take care of ourselves if we are to continue a relationship with our partners who are or show BPD traits.  I've read many posts and I continue to see that we all somehow show BPD traits. In my personal realization, I am able to acknowledge that and be self aware and take care of it. Now, I'm not saying this is for you, but it is working for me. I started to see a counselor and she has brought so much darkness to light for me where everything makes perfect sense.  Have you thought about seeking therapy/counseling?
 

[once removed]

"i know i have done wrong" and talk alot about having "made a mistake"

sincere apologies for wrong doing or actions we have taken that hurt someone are great.

saying it to appease someone out of fear is validating (and rewarding) the invalid. if i said to you "i hate you for punching my baby", you would not apologize to me for punching my baby. if you did, youre just giving me ammunition.

sincere validation works when we listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy), to what a person is really trying to tell us, without us stepping all over, or bending over backwards, to what theyre trying to say. what is she really saying? "im exasperated and overwhelmed".