Living with my partner and sibling

[Aims92]

Hi all!

This is my first post.
My partner has BPD and when I met her a year ago she had been doing so well. She had just finished 12 months of dbt therapy and had not done any self harm or risky behaviours for over 6 months.
We have just moved in together which I recognise is a huge deal for her, but to add to this my sister has had to move in with us. My sister has never been diagnosed with anything but she definitely has a lot of traits of BPD - she has an eating disorder and if any little thing goes wrong in her life she will come home, slam doors and be very short with everyone.
My partner is trying really hard to deal with my sisters behaviours but it’s been too much and for the first time my partner recklessly drove off in the middle of the night after saying she was leaving me for good (she didn’t mean this) and she felt so guilty afterwards.
She wants me to talk to my sister about her behaviour but I fee so intimidated by her that I am struggling to do so which makes my partner think I don’t care about her as much.
The dynamic doesn’t work at all but I don’t know what to do because at the moment I am the bad one to both of them.
Are there any tips or suggestions on what I can do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the tough situation you're in, but am glad you've found us.  We understand the challenges of living with someone with BPD, and can help you learn coping tools to make things better.  I, too, have a BPD traits sister, and a wife with BPD.

That's fantastic that your partner has DBT training under her belt.  She'll need your support to hold those gains that she has made.  The most important skill for you is likely to be boundaries with respect to your sister.  To learn more about boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries.

Can you tell us how it is that your sister came to live with you?  Whose place is it, and who joined when?  What are the behaviors of your sister that most upset your partner?

RC

[Aims92]

Thanks for this. I was so relieved to know that there was a website like this, it’s a life saver!

My sister moved in with us 2 weeks after we had moved in. She has grown a very large debt and had to move in with my parents, however the dynamic between mum and my sister is absolutely terrible so we offered for her to stay with us. I guess growing up with her I’ve become used to her behaviours and let it wash over my back so I underestimated its impact, I warned my partner but I suppose she also underestimated how much she can handle.
My partner gets upset at how messy my sister is, which is a major trigger for her. As well as her lying and most of all her moods. She also gets upset when I let my sister talk to me terribly or ignore me and I do nothing about it - again this is what I’ve learnt from growing up with her.

[Radcliff]

Have you set any expectations for how long your sister will stay with you?

Are you and your partner able to discuss this situation rationally, or is it too easy for one or both of you to get upset?  A lot of validation for your partner's feelings would be helpful here.  Do you think that you would be able to sit with your partner and talk about the various problems and what you might do?  You can try it with us first.

Here's what I'm thinking.  Boundaries are probably your biggest issue.  You didn't learn them well in your family of origin, and your sister is a boundary buster. 

Can you give us some more detail on your sister's two or three behaviors that are most impactful to you and your partner?

RC

[Aims92]

No expectations were set for how long she will be staying.
My partner and I are able to discuss it rationally now - but before it was very difficult because I found myself becoming defensive about my sister and my partner was not feeling validated. We’ve discussed what she feels and what I feel and options on how to approach it.
Boundaries are definitely a big issue for me! Especially with my sister.
The biggest issue we are both facing with my sister would be her mood swings - which look like stomping through the house, slamming doors, being rude and abrupt when asked how her day was, arguing if further engaged with. This is normally due to either having a fight with her bf, or with someone at work, or not meeting a deadline. And would happen maybe 3 times a week. We pretty much hide from her when she is like this and it’s our house.
Second to this would be spending money - she is always spending more than she earns and expects me or my father to give her cash when she needs it. I told her before she moved in that I can’t lend her money anymore because I’m saving up for a family. She agreed but gets really angry and stressed when she does run out of money.
She will also do nothing around the house - and then she will do above and beyond and get angry at us about it. For example she will do no washing for weeks and then do all of hers, and all of ours and get angry at us for the fact she did ours.
We feel guilty all the time when she is doing any of these behaviours.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on the work that you've done so far.  I'm impressed that you've validated your partner and that you and she are able to talk about this difficult situation.

The key to boundaries is consistency.  If you've said you can't lend your sister money, then you need to stick to it.  She's got a place to live, so should be able to figure out how to live within her means.  Have you heard of something called an extinction burst?  It's when we've started with a boundary and the pwBPD's old behaviors aren't working to get what they want.  They get upset and try superhard to overcome the boundary, and sometimes we cave in.  It's critical not to do this.

I have hope that you can improve your relationship with your sister.  I wish I'd known about the tools and strategies to cope with BPD long ago.  Here is what I recently told a member about my experience:

Another issue you may have going on is boundary issues in your family.  This "training" can also set us up for boundary issues in our adult romantic relationships.  We allow invasion of our boundaries, just like they were invaded as a child, and we also may attempt to overly manage our romantic partner as our parents managed us, violating our partner's boundaries.

For boundaries, becoming fluent with boundaries would be a huge help with your FOO, and some success there will help make your life feel emotionally safer.  When you have good boundaries, instead of someone's boundary incursion seeming like a huge threat, to which we usually react strongly with much upset for everyone, we simply invoke our pre-planned boundary defense, which can be quite subtle, and protect ourselves.

Let me give an FOO boundary example.  My BPD-traits sister was one of the most damaging boundary busters for me when I was growing up, and I believe this experience helped set me up for a boundaryless existence with my wife.  I would also violate my sister's boundaries.  When she was awful to other people in front of me, I'd get so upset and embarrassed.  I'd worry for the other people, and also worry that I'd be associated with her bad behavior, so I'd try to get her to act differently.  That never went well!  Recently, I visited my sister after getting about a year of boundary work under my belt.  When she started acting harshly to someone, I respected her boundaries by not trying to change her behavior, and I enforced one of my own by quietly removing myself from the scene so I wouldn't have to witness it.  Wow!  What a difference!  I felt so much less stress!  My relationship with my sister has improved dramatically. 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you have to hide from her in your own house sometimes.  Have you started learning ways to be in the common spaces of your house without being drawn into conflict with her?  We can work on that.

RC

[Aims92]

My partner and I have been discussing this for the last two weeks. My partner is feeling tired of her lies and disrespect and is seeing her completely negatively. Its almost like her whole body stands on edge when my sister comes home now, even if my sister is not doing anything.

I talked to my sister about our needs in the house and how it feels when she will come home angry. She listened to me but she didn't sound like she believed how that mood could impact on us. She began talking about little things around the house that she does not think is fair (such as only having half the freezer). I let her vent and said I know that it is difficult for her but the reality is there are 3 people in the house so half a freezer is probably a decent amount. I then said that the issue is bigger than these small things, and these issues are things that have been happening for years - I also told her that she is a funny smart and beautiful person and we love her, these behaviours are holding her back from her potential. She took this all on board suprisingly and actually agreed.


I am now feeling a bit stuck, because we actually don't want her living with us anymore. Our relationship is becoming more serious and we want a nice peaceful space for that to develop. My partner and I are working out things about each other which can be hard enough without the lingering anxiety of having my sister around. For example I am learning at what points in a disagreement I need to give my partner space to calm down and the balance between keeping to my values but also validating my partners - and this is hard but it is working and we are learning so much about each other and always feel closer afterwards, there is always so much love.
My sister doesn't understand this and will still continue to storm through the house, make snide remarks about room in the freezer and just add this yucky layer on top of our attempts at developing a strong foundation for our relationship. Its like my partner and I are trying to keep inside this peaceful bubble and have a safe space to work each other out and my sister keeps popping it.

I've decided that we need to ask her to move out and that we need space for our relationship. I don't want to make it appear to be her fault or that we are rejecting her but I understand that she may feel this way for a little bit. She doesn't feel happy living with us either so at the moment it is a lose lose for everyone. I don't know exactly how to bring this up with her but I need to do this for myself. I always have felt guilty for the things that she brings on herself and have always tried to protect her from others which is why I always go out my own way to make it smoother for her but it is often at the cost of myself and now at the cost of my relationship.

Thank you so much for all the help I have received so far. I feel like I am ranting but it has been really nice to share this on an understanding platform and get support on areas that I need to work on myself.