Is reconnecting with BPD possible?

[Bluemoon55]

Things got really bad and mixed up with a diagnosed BPD guy I was friends with for a year and then seeing him. He is 27. I knew him for a year and half, for the first year we were just friends and getting to know each other. Since the last six months we were moving forward and taking a shot at dating. But a month ago he went quiet on me then had an outburst when I tried to get closure or find out what's going on and he cut it off like it was nothing and I'm wondering what happened.

We talked almost daily and went through a lot with each other. But we kept running into a problem of him being very stressed and miserable at his job and he had a few family deaths that he wasn’t coping well with. He would confide in me and would a cancel on me a lot and telling me once he got a new job he would be ready for a relationship. But regardless, he was always receptive and responded to me, never went silent on me. So he eventually got the new job during the summer. As he got the new job, we would make plans that he would initiate to “improve communication and move forward” and after saying that he would cancel or say stuff like “a lot of uncertainty about the new job. Difficult to plan” It was confusing on my end because he would notice we had some misunderstandings and talk about meeting up to resolve them, then soon as something comes up for him, he acts like we never had that conversation and he canceled without rescheduling.

When we spoke again normally, he would suggest dinner then say he’s too tried and wants to “keep it low key” I would freak out and say what he meant by “low key” and if that means he wants the whole relationship to be low key. When I brought that up, he had an outburst, talked about how he was annoyed that I think the worst about him and how he wants to stay in cause he’s stressed and how I am overthinking. When all I did was ask what he meant by it and I even tried to gently talk him through the conversation but he was triggered.

Next day he comes over. He tells me how he feels like I overthink. I explained it was because he never addressed anything and how the constant back and forth leads to anxiety/overthinking. He apologized and said how he was immature and how he can be difficult and how he was just scared. I wish I would have asked what he was scared about looking back since it was a generic for him to say that.

He then told me “I want a relationship. I think we get along really well, I have all these feelings for you. I think I was scared before cause I liked girls before and it never worked out” I told him I feel the same and agreed with it. He talked about me meeting his friends and how we would tell people how we met. He left few hours later, telling me to txt him the next day. Which I thought was interesting. Not sure if he wanted reassurance.

So after that day, I didn't get to text him, I was nervous. So he texted me, talked for a few days. He brought up plans and I suggested the movies, he seemed iffy about it and stopped replying and flaked out on me for that weekend. I reached out for a week, no reply. Eventually called him and he told me he had been overthinking about his new job and not talking to people. He sounded down and worn down. He apologized, said it won't happen again "I realize it was immature of me and i'm old enough to know that"

Then he reached out later that week about another weekend. Suggested how he’s really stressed and wants to get away and go out of the city or somewhere new out of town. Initially I was kind of taken aback that he randomly brought up going out of town after no contact and being ignored basically for a week as if nothing happened. I felt uncomfortable with it. But I said okay maybe. Then he started saying if we can use my car since his needs an oil change. That’s where I drew the line. It made me feel weird. I told him it’s best we just stay somewhere close and now my car needs repairs. Then he goes “ughhh” and then says okay. But stops engaging in making plans. I’m freaking out cause I want to know if  we are hanging out the next day or not. I try to talk to him and he has an outburst “I’m so annoyed. You keep asking me what time and place. Didn’t I tell you the time?” “ I was excited before now I’m annoyed I’ll let you know in the morning I’m tired from work and you’re all over me” He refused to talk on the phone about it.

Next day not sure he got embarrassed by his outburst. But he didn’t seem in control of his emotions. He never got back to me about plans. I tried reaching out no reply. So same thing he goes silent for a week. I even sent a message about his behavior no reply.

A week later I reach out casually how he is doing. And he’s suddenly in a chipper mood. He then suggested we go out of the city again. I was hesitant and told him I’d think about it for him to give me a few days. Then he gets hyper and txts me a lot if I decided, about going out of town. He also told me “I’m sorry I know I’d been bad about seeing you but I’ll have a or more free time”

Then I called him few days later. Told him I decided that I’d rather meet for coffee and see what page we are on and talk instead of just jumping into going out of the city. And he freaked out. First he was like how about just dinner and how he doesnt like coffee shops. At that point I felt confused. I noticed I was anxious a lot from his flaking, outburst and not acknowledging things and randomly wanting to go out of town was too much. He wouldn’t get why i’d want to take a step back and get coffee. I was trying to set boundaries. He then asked “coffee? May I ask why. What changed?” I then told him how I felt he disappeared and didn’t know what even happened to him, if he was okay or ignoring and now suddenly him wanting to go out of town was too much. He kept saying “ I feel like we are going backwards. Oh. How do you mean we aren’t on the same page. I want to date someone I don’t want to go to coffee shops forever. I wanna move forward”

It took 2 hours and two calls to explain to him why it’s  best to get coffee.

Next day we proceeded to coffee. Half way in, I felt weird. I physically shut down and got nervous and anxious. I felt a bit paralyzed. I think it was a reaction to his behavior the few months. And how he mentioned he wanted a relationship and how we were in one and then it wasn’t talked about again since he kept having outbursts over planmaking and so much time passed.

He kept asking if I’m okay. He read me well. But he didn’t understand why I wasn’t taking or why I looked uncomfortable and shut down. We walked around at a park he suggested after. He tried to hold my hand but I resisted. He asked what I’m doing tonight I said I had family plans. He asked “are you seeing anyone else” I said no that’s not it. I avoided all physical touch. Then we walked back to my car. He talked about how he will be more free on weekends and suggested going out. I said “that’s if you make it” then I brought up why I was upset and told him about be communication problems.

He apologized and he knew something he was bothering me and wished i brought it up earlier but now that I did how he’ll work on it. But he talked about dinner again and said how “that’s one thing we can agree on” I told him okay but if he can handle it. He said he can. I told him how every time something happens such as a job change he needs to communicate instead of going off on his on. He agreed. But he could see I’d been upset and asked “do you still want to see me anymore” I said “I’d just been frustrated but we will figure it out” and told him it’s fine. He told me to let him know I’m home safe

Then after that, we txted a little bit he seemed moody again and gave short replies, nothing rude but just distant. Then 2 days after he stopped speaking. I was still upset about the coffee day. I felt disoriented after and I wanted to talk about it but I felt if I brought it up over txt he would ignore it. So I started to ask “was the coffee meeting that bad? Lol” he said “no why?” I tried to level with him and say since I knew he didn’t like coffee shops I wondered what he thought about it. No response. From them on no reply for a month this time. I think he was trying to ghost me or something.

Later in the week I asked how he is doing, if he’s okay. No reply.
Tried calling once no answer.

Four weeks  went by and I start to get  really anxious. He wouldn’t reply to anything. All id ask was how he is. And then I went visit him to see if he was alright and see what’s going on. No answer. Left a note to let me know he’s alive. He later txted me he got my note how he is okay just been busy with work, and how I didn’t need to stop by since he’s okay. Ouch. No mention of what his silence had to do with me. The few days later, he would reply here and there then just stop. Really choppy communication. At that point, I felt I was losing him and I wanted to know what was going on and have a conversation about it. And I kept pushing through. So I called about three, four times. He answered one of the times and had an outburst and freaked out. He was first asking what’s up. I asked to meet up right away. He kept saying he doesn’t know he has time this week. I asked about next week. He tells me he is working next weekend. At this point, he seemed actively to be dodging me. I was confused, we had a talk over coffee about moving forward and how he would be more free yet he acts as if we never had that talk.

So I kept asking when he can hang out and the more stressed he got. He’d say how hes busy. I asked if he is busy long term. He tells me “yes probably” “I’m not sure what do you want from me?” He goes into how he is preoccupied about doing a training for another job, even though he just started a new one and if he gets how next year he may have to move out of state, then he tells me rashly, as I asked well how about hanging out this weekend, just for an hour, and he goes “to be honest I don’t want to be with anyone right now” I felt at that point heartbroken and devastated and I felt I was missing something here. I asked him if we can at least meet once or stay friends. I wanted to least meet to get closures. He had a meltdown and started making excuses, how he has gym tomorrow or a friend to see saying how stressed he is by the conversation and how he’d let me know and how he has to go to work.

I then got really anxious, and probably aggravated things more because that weekend, I sent 2 txts about how I felt about the whole situation. An upset message, would you rather. This has happened before and he’d cool down after a few days. But this time he wouldn’t it only got worse and kept escalating. Few days later, I called again. And he went OFF. He answered in a angry tone saying “Look we are on TWO different pages. What do you want from me” I told him it would be nice to just meet once that’s all. And he kept going off “I’m so stressed by this call. Ill be honest, you kept calling and sending 3-4 messages a day, I don’t like when people call me out of the blue. It shut me down. If I’m busy ill get back to you, if it takes me even few weeks” I then tried to explain its because he wasn’t responding and I was confused. He then starts yelling at me how I keep repeating myself over and over and how he doesn’t want a relationship or to invest in anything when he may move for jobs next year. Again made no sense. He acted like we had nothing. I would have thought he would have already invested since he was the one who brought up “lets be in a relationship, just few weeks later” Usually you are already invested to bring that up. Now he was saying he doesn’t to invest. After that I think I made things even worse. He kept dismissing me and going back and forth about meeting up. Sometimes hed say he would get back to me about it. Then he hung up and texted me saying how he is confused why I want to hang out and thinks I have ulterior motives and I told him id like to meet to talk to him about things and catch up and for closures. And he says “I don’t get how seeing me will give you closure, I don’t want to date you either way”

I freak out and get upset. This point my emotions were heightened, I sent him a harsh message, telling him how unstable he was coming across, using words like insecurities and unsafe and I went as far as to mention his body image issues and told him I was blocking him.

Few days later, I felt bad for the message I sent. I went to see him to apologize. Again he acted dissociated from me. He said after that harsh message, “I wrote it off” Meaning he wrote me off. But he stood there talking for 20 minutes to me about it. He explained how there was no excuse for the message. I told him I wanted to work it out or least leave on good terms. He said “we cant go from that message to happy again” I then asked about what even happened to this whole relationship. Gives me more confusion, how its about the job changes and a lot of uncertainty or he wasn’t ready. I told him he could have told me. He said “yeah I agree, I should have told you , my mistake”Then eventually he got tired of talking about it and wanted me to leave, suggested maybe we meet the next day to talk about it since he was off. I asked if that meant he wants to keep talking. He tells me ‘I do, but I don’t. Next day, I follow up about coffee, he cancels and changes his tune. “I don’t see the point in hanging out honestly, and  I don’t want to” I asked if he wants to another time or talk later on. He tells me “I don’t see the point in that either, sorry. I didn’t want to talk to you anymore, and you just showed up at my house out of the blue”
Again, I took it too heart and got upset again, sent him another upset message, how I felt he didn’t have the best intentions etc and I didn’t want to talk either.

After this experience, I’d been feeling very out of place, sad and down. We used to talk all the time. I don’t get how he cut me off like it was nothing. Why he stopped talking to me to begin with and when I caught up with him a month later, why he went off on me and blamed me and acted like he would have gotten back to me, saying he was busy. I feel I definitely pushed too much and made things worse probably and I feel bad about it.

I wonder if possibly when we got coffee, how he was freaking out about it and how I rejected going out of the city with him, since that is when he turned silent, if did all this because he felt rejected, so in turn he rejected me? I keep feeling like if I let it calm down or gave it space, it wouldn’t have ended up in that explosion. I don’t get how before all this happened, he was harping on me about dating, then suddenly after a month of no contact he doesn’t want to date anymore? I’ve been really confused what happened here. Or if he just got caught up in how own stresses/ and it is a self-absorbed thing or if he never cared in the first place.

So we hadn’t had contact in a month since it happened we blocked each other. I sent him a letter 2 weeks ago. I felt rattled and terrible. Now I even have regrets about the letter. I told him how I felt a lot of his behavior came across as emotional abuse and now I’m not longer as angry but actually miss him.

I wonder if there is any change of reconnecting after things cool down in a couple of months especially after that letter I sent and all of the back and forth explosions? And why this all happened in the first place, in why he pulled away like that.


I apologize this is soo long.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We know how frustrating and upsetting it can be to deal with BPD issues, but you've found a supportive community here.  The good news is that you can learn coping tools to keep from making things worse and to make things easier on you.

One of the classic things that can happen to those of us who are searching for a connection with a pwBPD is that we overpursue them, and they pull back.  Which can make us freak out and pursue even harder.  Do you think that may be going on in your case?

Another thing that partners of pwBPD are often bad at is boundaries.  Our pwBPD are often terrible at respecting them, or even understanding them.  Sometimes we toss out boundaries out (if we even knew what they were) in our effort to make our pwBPD happy.  I'm impressed that you are being thoughtful about boundaries, and what you're comfortable with.  Keep it up!  Can you give us an example of a boundary you're really glad you've kept in the last couple of months, and one where you might wish you'd had a better boundary?

RC

[Bluemoon55]

Thanks for the reply!

"One of the classic things that can happen to those of us who are searching for a connection with a pwBPD is that we overpursue them, and they pull back.  Which can make us freak out and pursue even harder.  Do you think that may be going on in your case?" - Yes this is what happened I believe. I do wonder why he pulled back in the first place.


When he stopped talking with no explanation, especially after talks of moving forward, it really triggered a lot of anxiety for me, so I do feel like I overpushed in continuing to txt and try to call over those weeks and basically beg him to meet up with him. I feel ashamed that I couldn't let it go or give it time. I think he struggled with boundaries too. Before he went quiet, he would suggest things like beaches and going out of town on the spur, when our communication was clearly suffering, so even though i was uncomfortable with it and told him no and to take a step back, he kept bringing it up and pushing my boundaries until I said let's just get coffee. That's when he went silent. I wonder if it was a test at first, but the more I reached out, the more he felt no need to  reply, after feeling hurt or rejected.

What I don't get is why for that month, I never got one ounce of empathy. I mean he started having outbursts when in his words I called "out of the blue too much" it was maybe 2-3 calls and he exaggerated it. I almost wonder if he was ever going to talk to me again when he went no contact. I'm just beyond hurt. I mean ever since, i have trouble doing basic things, have tons of anxiety and keep wondering how did this happen.

I'm new to this community and BPD world. I'm wondering what possibly led to his no contact for so long and never acknowledged it. When I caught up with him, he acted like he was just busy and started basically yelling at me "i'm so stressed by this call! ughh I don't know what to say!". Then without me even bringing it up, he told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, how he may have another job training and how he doesn't want to invest in anything if he has a job in another state in a year. But that job training idea came up weeks AFTER his silent period. He seemed almost the type of person who can sustain a relationship only if he has zero stress in his life. But I feel like his excuse made no sense. It was hurtful he was cutting it off like it was nothing and I didn't feel he was being real about why he didn't have time to meet me. It got bad. I started asking "what about tomorrow or meet Friday" I kept feeling if he saw me in person, he would level with me. So i kept pushing to meet. but he would get more irritated saying "well i have the gym! ugh im supposed to see a friend tomorrow" I was thinking how does he not realize that comes off selfish? Then he went on a rant on how if hes busy he'd get back to me when he can...

I lashed out and then went to apologize and he blamed me. Said what is done is done. Now I feel if I didn't call him unstable, sad and unsafe to be around during on moment of frustration, he would have cooled down. I tried to get him to get coffee the next day. it was his idea. Until he canceled the next day, got moody and completely said he doesn't want to talk anymore in a very rushed manner. Here's the thing. I don't want someone unstable in my life. He was very back and forth with me, placed blame, had outbursts and I still don't have a good idea why he left me to be alone in the first place. But I also can't help but to feel I aggravated it and before this he never really had temper tantrums to this extent. Wonder if it was an episode.

Now that weeks have gone by, and after I sent out that letter, I don't know. I'm new to the BPD thing and learning about it. Would someone such as this, forgive and recognize their own mistakes maybe months later. If I reach out or make contact again though i would be afraid he would go on about me having "ulterior motives" again or dismiss me. It couldn't be any time soon, I guess due to when I apologized last time after 2 weeks, he was still in that state.

But in the past, when he had moods like this, a week later, he'd be chipper again and get his mistakes. I wonder after time passed, if reconciliation is possible and how to set boundaries to protect myself and make sure he doesn't take me for granted or get upset with me all over again.

[Radcliff]

The OP has shortened the original post and restarted a thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330905.0