WHY DO YOU STAY?

[boogs152]

Can anyone tell me why they stay with their partner with BPD? What works in your relationship and what doesn’t? I’m curious.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[esmerelda72]

my answer is simple.  i have never known such connection when things are good between us.  its horrendous when its bad but the balance for me is worth the stay.

what works in our relationship (well until the most recent separation) is me being calm and stable and safe and validating her feelings.  me being willing to go along with the ever changing plans, moods, high and lows of life together.  not taking it personally when she cant get enough of me one day and ignores me the next.

what doesnt work is if i have any intense feelings about anything or need to be heard... .or if i JADE.  its like Mount Vesuvius erupting in the house and this last time, i flipped and left her.

[Bnonymous]

I stay because I love him, mostly. But also:

I stay because I am willing to ride the lows to get the highs. The lows are pretty low, but the highs are very high. And it balances out as more than worth it.

I stay because of our shared attitudes towards emotion; we are both very comfortable with feelings and talking about feelings and expressing feelings (the good and the bad). I was in an unhappy marriage for fifteen years before I met my boyfriend (marriage ended first, then I met him) where there was very little expression of emotion or room for feeling - I felt like I was suffocating. I feel like I can breathe in my current relationship and that is something I really appreciate and value.

I stay because he shows incredible self-awareness, courage and honesty in the times when he is not triggered or dysregulated.

I stay because, during those times, there is a closeness and intimacy that feels profoundly meaningful. And an incredible level of trust, where we can both let ourselves be vulnerable without fear of judgment or rejection.

I stay because there's a mutual click, a connection, a recognition, a feeling that this is someone who gets it, gets me, like no one else ever has.

I stay because I feel comfortable and at home with him.

I stay because he makes me laugh.

I stay because he intellectually challenges me and makes me look at things from different angles and I find that stimulating.

I stay because the physical side is incredible.

I stay because his enthusiasm for the natural world is contagious and makes me feel like I'm discovering the miracle of it all afresh.

I think that list also kind of answers your "what works?" question. It works because we have shared passions and because we are both emotional people who appreciate emotion and are comfortable talking about it. It works because we feel comfortable and at home with one another and (when he isn't dysregulated or paranoid) there is a trust between us that is quite beautiful.

Perhaps, in short, it works because we can talk to each other. Whatever the issues or problems or history, we can talk it through with trust, awareness, and respect. It's just a matter of getting the timing right - he can't talk in that way when he is dysregulated or suffering paranoia, but, if I give him space, he will eventually soothe himself and then he will initiate conversations about what happened and what went wrong, addressing the issues with great honesty and courage - he will look at himself and his feelings and history and motivations and try to discover why he does the things he does, and he will share those thought processes aloud. And it blows my mind, makes me go weak at the knees. There are few things more attractive to me than self-awareness and responsibility and (when not dysregulated) he has these in abundance.

Why do you stay with your partner, boogs152? What works in your relationship?

[boogs152]

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate the detailed responses so far.

I stay because I simply love my man. He’s kind,funny and gentle. He has a wonderful eccentric side. He’s thoughtful and generous.

He doesn’t look me in the eyes very much at the moment. I’m sad because the greater part of him that is beautiful is gone right now. I’m patiently waiting for him to come back.

It’s hard.
I’m just looking for inspiration from others.

Thankyou for your honesty and openness

[Bnonymous]

Hi Boogs152,

Thank you for starting the thread. I think it can really help to look at our reasons for staying and remind ourselves of that. Your partner sounds lovely and I'm sorry you are both suffering.

I wanted to take the time to read your previous threads before responding, so I wouldn't ask you questions you've already answered.

I wanted to ask why he doesn't look you in the eye and what about him is gone. From your previous posts, it sounds like he's currently suffering from depression as well as BPD - is that correct? It sounds as though he's deeply withdrawing from everything, including (sadly) from you. That must be hard.

You say in a previous post that his psychiatrist recently changed his medication. Hopefully once these new meds kick in, the depression might lift a bit and he may be able to step out of his protective shell a little. Meds won't fix the BPD, of course, but they might help with any clinical imbalances that might be complicating things at the moment and get him on track enough to engage with therapy.

I hope you get to see more of his loveable traits again soon.

[boogs152]

Thankyou for taking the time to read my previous threads. Thankyou for responding.

My partner was on such a high when we first got together. He was living on the streets and then  had a safe calm place to be with me. I clearly understood there were issues with him and he didn’t try to hide that. At first he appeared to have a good handle on things. He was gentle and happy and interested in me. We did many things together. We spent a lot of time together. There were some small ups and downs but gradually the last six months have been more down and then more DOWN.

There were changes with where we lived and also my health issues improved and I was able to return to work. That’s when things got REALLY BAD.

We’re not the kind of couple that fight a lot. We’re quite compatible in many ways but what I’ve noticed with recent decline is that he rarely looks me in the eye. I think this has to do with self hate,Self esteem issues and feeling like a failure. He told me yesterday that he’s a psychopath loser. He appears exhausted and he seems to have a huge degree of agitated depression.

I’m waiting for the meds to improve his mood more so that he can have the strength to do proper BPD treatment in a clinic. He’s low functioning BPD and hasn’t been able to work or hold have friendships or relationships easily. It’s interesting that when he has worked it’s because of his past drug addiction. He’s been clean this past three years and barely been able to work since.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Boogs152,

I get that. Mine is the same. He had a heroin addiction in the past, which he'd conquered years before we met. He's about ten years clean now and hasn't been mentally well enough to work since he gave it up.

Do you think he might be making self-deprecating comparisons over the fact that you've been able to return to work while he still isn't ready to? Do you think that is part of why he can't look you in the eye or are there other reasons?

[boogs152]

I think there are many reasons that he can’t look me in the eye. Most of these reasons are feelings based around unworthiness.

We were talking tonight... .
*Side note*(The relationship has been particularly challenging in recent weeks. It felt like we broke up but the premise wasn’t clear. I didn’t really know what was going on even though we were living together for the most part.)

- he said that he has made the mistake of becoming attached to me again. That he’s a mess and can’t function because of his illness and trauma from his childhood.