Supporting partner in treatment - not being accountability partner/micromanaging

[sotiredofthis]

I'm here today because I'm frustrated. Needing a little venting but also concrete suggestions.

UBPDWife has been severely depressed since about March. She has been taking her medications and seeing therapist this whole time but it came to a head and she did a partial hospitalization program (M-F 8am-2pm) for 8 weeks, stepped down to intensive outpatient (3 times a week 9-1)for a couple of weeks, became suicidal that next week and went inpatient into hospital for 13 days. 9-10 medication changes while inpatient and she's been out for a week. She is back to Partial Hospitalization and they don't allow you to do individual therapy while in PHP. She has the tools and I don't see her using them. Like, AT ALL. She spent this weekend ruminating on negative thoughts and beliefs and appeared to be just dwelling in negative emotions of feeling rejected and abandoned (by therapist, not me).

I tried to get her to engage her coping skills of meditation, exercise, writing, art, reading, being active, changing her thought patterns with some CBT, etc. She refused. She said I was trying to decide how long she gets to feel her feelings before moving on to something else. And that is true. Once you have spent a few hours in emotion hell, you have to use a coping skill.

How can I be supportive and not loose my own mind? HOw much do you offer and then step away? Please give me concrete examples, I'd really appreciate it!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Does her hospitalization program include any outreach or orientation activities for family members to help them understand how to support the person in treatment?

When I've dealt with family members behaving in ways that I believed were unhealthy, I was advised that I can invite healthy behaviors, but not expect them.  Looking at it in this way helped me to exert less pressure on my loved ones, and feel less angst myself.  Even this approach, though, has liabilities if our loved one picks up on an attitude that we have that we know what's best for them.

Even though she's already in therapy, this page on how to get a borderline into therapy has some advice that I think you'll find very valuable.  In particular, there's a video at the end that I think you'll find worth watching.  It's long, but I was glad to have taken the time when I watched it.  Let us know what you think about it!

RC

[RolandOfEld]

How can I be supportive and not loose my own mind? HOw much do you offer and then step away? Please give me concrete examples, I'd really appreciate it!

Hi stot, first off it sounds like you've really been through the ringer. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Agreed with Radcliff about expectations. You need to keep in mind that while it is right to feel compassion for her about what she's going through, you neither created her problem nor are responsibility for it. In the end, only she can take the actions that will guide her to a healthier state. When she takes those actions, whether it be , such as exercise or CBT, offer praise and support. When she chooses negative behaviors that impact not only her well being but yours, step back and let that be her own world.

When my wife goes into a negative mode and shuts herself off in the bedroom, I just try to carve out as much normal space for me and the kids that I can. I take them out of the house to do something fun, and when they are asleep I try to do fun things for myself rather than constantly paying attention to her. I remember that this behavior is self initiated and I don't need to participate like I used to, trying to soothe her or apologize to her.

Has she identified any specific triggers for her depression? Sorry if you've addressed this is past posts but I could use a refresher.

~ROE  

[sotiredofthis]

Thanks for the input. I watched the video and I'm not sure it would much because she's aware she's depressed, she has things that make it worse. Her latest biggest trigger has been a therapist not being as available as she wants. And often I'm the trigger and target for anger and blame. I'm feeling very impatient because I don't see her using her tools.

I want her to direct her anger at the appropriate people (parents who were abusive and caused her attachment injuries), not me. I want her to take responsibility and pull on her big girl panties and make some changes in her life. All of which I understand are impossible for BPD. Argggggh. Thanks for listening.

[once removed]

I tried to get her to engage her coping skills of meditation, exercise, writing, art, reading, being active, changing her thought patterns with some CBT, etc.
... .
How can I be supportive and not loose my own mind?

these are well meaning prescriptions.

when i was depressed over losing my ex, i knew what might make me feel better... .eating... .reading my BPD books... .exercise. the same things people told me to do because theyd run out of suggestions.

i didnt feel like doing any of those things, and when people suggested them to me, it felt like they were trying to get rid of me.

a lot of things would have really helped. someone to listen. someone to give me a hug. someone to spend some time with me. someone to offer to take me out, even if i didnt want to go. someone to exercise, or eat, or read the BPD books with me. quality time and emotional availability, or even just listening, these are all ways to support a person who doesnt have the strength at the time to help themselves.