Seeing BPD Traits in Myself

[slowsteve]

I’ve been reading the Eggshells book, and it really describes my reality with my wife perfectly.  The strange thing is that every so often, I start seeing that I am starting to develop some of the BPD traits too.  I imagine by setting up boundaries, and responding appropriately to her, it will help stop this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

hi slowsteve,

i think theres really nothing more mature than saying "ive developed some ways of coping that arent the healthiest, or perhaps arent true to my values. what can i do about it?"

so, what can you do about it? are you seeing a therapist for yourself?

the idea of setting boundaries can be misleading. i think that a lot of us, when learning about boundaries, get the idea that we can train someone to treat us better... that we can "use boundaries" to resolve conflict. usually, this just drives things into unhealthier territory.

our boundaries are dictated by our values (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries). if boundaries mean saying to yourself "im not going to escalate conflict in x given way", or "i will step away from circular arguments", you are on the right track, and it will help, although things can get shaky when we change our approach, at least at first.

so what are some examples of boundaries youre looking to set?

[slowsteve]

I’m just getting started, but one example of how sometimes I am losing touch with reality is that several times a week my wife insists I made a commitment or had a conversation I didn’t have.  Over time, I’m starting to question whether maybe it is me with he bad memory even though this only happens with her.  I going to stop arguing with her over who is right or who said what, and just trust my memory of our conversations, and just calmly tell her I don’t remember saying that.

[once removed]

my wife insists I made a commitment or had a conversation I didn’t have.

this may be about communication between the two of you, and it may be about emotional memory... .this is a common problem here.

theres a saying about BPD that "feelings = facts". its a bit of an over simplification i think, but in general, people with BPD traits tend to jump to conclusions, especially in a heightened state. in general, people with BPD traits also are distrustful of others, so they tend to lean in strongly to the least benign conclusion.

throw in with that a tendency toward black and white thinking, and "always or never", over the top statements, and you can see how this might come up.

I going to stop arguing with her over who is right or who said what, and just trust my memory of our conversations, and just calmly tell her I don’t remember saying that.

letting go of who is wrong or right is a great step/attitude in terms of resolving, and not escalating, conflict.

having said that, what if she doesnt let it go at "i dont remember saying that"?

whens the last time this happened, and what was said between the two of you? how did it go?

[slowsteve]

“Luckily” my wife just shows some traits of BPD, or is a “borderline”/high functioning case of BPD.  No violence.  No self harm. If I stop arguing, she will usually ask for space, send me nasty texts for a while, and then calm down and want to talk things over.  If I am careful not to argue back when she is ready to talk, she usually calms down until the next episode.

[once removed]

If I stop arguing, she will usually ask for space, send me nasty texts for a while, and then calm down and want to talk things over.  If I am careful not to argue back when she is ready to talk, she usually calms down until the next episode.

you can work with that.

i know what you mean, though. i would try to take a time out, id inevitably read my exs string of texts, and eventually, feel compelled to respond/prove my point/attack her point, and that was gasoline on the fire. it also taught her that pushing my buttons would work. it helped us both a lot when i followed through, and putting that boundary on yourself can certainly improve things. letting go of that need to prove a point or win wont just make your life more peaceful, it can be life changing, and relationship improving!

there are some more tips here... .it seems like a given, but it blew my mind when i read someone say that a circular argument requires two parties: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

[Chosen]

I’m just getting started, but one example of how sometimes I am losing touch with reality is that several times a week my wife insists I made a commitment or had a conversation I didn’t have.  Over time, I’m starting to question whether maybe it is me with he bad memory even though this only happens with her.

There is a thing called "fleas", which means a pwBPD's traits rubs off on nons because they spend some much time together.  BPD is also called "crazy-making", so it would seem to people outside the relationship that the pwBPD (particularly high-functioning ones) is normal while the non isn't.  Perhaps this fits with your situation?

I know that to a certain extent it does for me.  Sometimes my uBPDh would insist I said/ did certain things which I'm pretty sure I didn't.  I think that it's because he needs *somebody* to take accountability of something which caused him to feel a certain way.  And obviously it can't be himself, so he "makes" that person me.  Does it make sense?  If I insist on figuring out the truth (which is pretty impossible as it's a he-said-she-said situation), he will say that since I insist on separating everything into "me" and "you", why are we even together.  So I usually don't go into the facts- for them, feelings = facts anyway, so even if somebody could replay the situation and show him what's the truth, it wouldn't change his feelings about it.

Another type of "fleas" I get is actual BPD-type behaviour, as in, I react in ways a pwBPD reacts.  I become emotionally immature sometimes, projecting my feelings and thinking in black/white.  I could blame it on communicating with a pwBPD too much, but really, it's because sometimes it's "easier" to resort to primitive means to express ourselves.  But it's certainly not healthy, and you can imagine, two people acting this way just adds fuel to the fire.

Re: nasty texts, I used to respond to all of them, but when there is textual "proof" for him to keep reading, he inevitable find some fault in what I write and would continue to attack me with my words.  Then I get into JADEing territory.  However, now I have learnt to not respond  to everything, especially if something is just plain untrue.  I probably will respond once or twice and tell him the "truth", but if he keeps going on and on about it, I don't go on about the topic anymore.  (I wouldn't say anything to him like "I will not longer respond", because it will make him more angry, so I will just respond to other stuff in his text that I can respond to and ignore the accusations)

[Enabler]

I found writing a diary or at least some notes on a spreadsheet at work on a daily basis very very very helpful in protecting my truth / reality. I found that things were warped over time and being reliant on my own recollections at a later date left me slightly apprehensive as to whether or not I was the deluded one or not. Initially I padded the diary out with significant evidenced historic events, then I added what happened briefly on each day. Now I add any details about conflicts, things with the kids... .pretty much anything. I find it super super helpful.

Ones reality is precious, it needs protecting. Once protected by yourself you may feel less inclination to defend it in other ways like JADEing.

[Harri]

It is good that you can recognize your own poor behaviors and know that they can be changed... .even must be changed.  It is easy to forget that the behaviors associated with BPS are seen in all people, it is simply the degree and frequency in which they are displayed.  I grew up with a mentally ill mother and I am not sure what father and learned quite a few behaviors that do not serve me well no in adulthood.  Whether they are learned, copied, part of my natural way, I need to change them.  Knowing I have these behaviors, and owning that they are mine is just the beginning of change but it is vital.

[Panda39]

I’m just getting started, but one example of how sometimes I am losing touch with reality is that several times a week my wife insists I made a commitment or had a conversation I didn’t have.  Over time, I’m starting to question whether maybe it is me with he bad memory even though this only happens with her.  I going to stop arguing with her over who is right or who said what, and just trust my memory of our conversations, and just calmly tell her I don’t remember saying that.

This sounds like "Gaslighting"... .
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-know-if-youre-victim-gaslighting

Panda39