Should I reach out

[domp]

My ex girlfriend was going through a rough time, I reached out a couple of times and got some delayed responses but after reaching out a few more times now I'm not getting any response anymore.

The relationship was Ok, I think she left to protect me.

I'm wondering if I should just let it be for now or continue reaching out?

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey! What kinds of things would she say in her delayed replies or did she offer up anything that suggests she may need support or was she standoffish in her responses?
When did things end between you two and do you have any interest in getting back together? It sounds like you guys are least still on speaking terms.

[domp]

Basically she would apologize for answering that late and explaining elaborately that she's going through rough patches, I won't go into detail as I think that may be private but it got me worried (I heard though the grapevine that things are a bit less worrisome at the moment luckily enough). It ended a couple of months ago.

I thought we were on speaking terms indeed but sometimes I'll be trying to reach out a couple of times before receiving any response. But I haven't heard anything for a while now. I'm not entirely sure if I should keep on trying to reach out or not, I don't want to be adding any stress if that's what I'm doing

Yes I wouldn't mind trying to make it work again of course but if that's not possible than that's sad but so be it

[Yellowpearl]

Maybe it could be helpful to wait a while and let her come to you if all else fails just have a backup message to send her in your mind, that may help ease some stress to have something in mind to say in case. As she told you she is having a rough time, it probably is something stressing her and maybe she doesn’t want to talk to too many people cause in her own way she is handling it the best she can. Just a possibility.

[once removed]

hey domp, id like to join Yellowpearl and say

how long were the two of you together? how did things end?

[domp]

Thank you both!

Indeed, that's also what I was thinking at the moment but wasn't entirely sure what to do. Out of sight out of mind crossed my mind a couple of times and I wouldn't want her to think I don't care anymore. But on the other hand if people don't reply, or say they will and don't, than I usually assume there's a reason for this and it's best to leave them be for a while.

We were together for a couple of months. We actually split up for a while before but got back together until she realized she can't handle something serious at the time and these things mess with her head. Both times were a bit emotional but quite friendly. I'm not one to hold grudges. I just hope she's alright

[once removed]

I usually assume there's a reason for this and it's best to leave them be for a while.

thats how it sounds here. shes in a tough place, possibly emotionally unavailable, and cant much do friendship maintenance at the moment.

however, it sounds like the two of you are on good terms, youve shown that you care/are around when she wants to talk (at the same time, you dont want to push too hard), and i suspect she will take you up on that when things subside.

what do you think?

[domp]

I agree. I do hope she reaches out and doesn't have any misplaced guilt, shame or suspicions inhibiting her from doing so.

I sometimes felt it was needed for me to send a follow up message a couple of days later for her to get back to me, though not always. I indeed am not all up for pushing people but I do tend to think that when people go through a rough time it might be nice for them to receive a little message once in a while but I guess that might differ from person to person and situation to situation. (I suppose there might the lingering baggage of having been together romantically as well in this case, though not sure)

I do wonder if I should seek her out if I don't hear from her for much longer than a week or 2 or just let it be. It would be a shame if this thing dies off slowly, as for me (and for her too it seemed), this was something truly nice  

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out so far!

[once removed]

how long have you known each other?

[domp]

Hmm, maybe a little bit over a year I think?

[once removed]

how long ago was the breakup, and how long has the rough patch/you reaching out been going on?

[domp]

The breakup was probably about roughly 3 months ago, same for me reaching out. I did went over for a visit and we had a nice day though it was clear she still had lots on her mind. I think the rough patch started before this though, when we first split up, maybe about 5 months ago or so.

[Yellowpearl]

Do you know how she felt about keeping in contact despite the breakup? I wondered if she is doing a push/pull since you been considered a close person and during a rough patch she may find it easier to pull away for a bit. It seems a good idea to give it time and space. In my situation, the more I kept asking what’s wrong and checking in, the worst it got, the more walls he put up until he exploded.

When they see you’re not there for a while. They are more likely notice and remember you once the stress goes down. Not that it’s a guarantee, but just give it time even if it takes weeks or months, she’ll come back and remember and open up to you. Sometimes people who struggle to manage emotions have to go through these things alone, or you’re just poking a bear.

[domp]

Well I think she was okay with it. I didn't ask explicitly but she wanted to be friends and didn't want to lose me out of her life. I don't know how generic that was as it seems typical in break ups but she seemed sincere about it. She was looking forward to still be doing stuff together. So I guess she wouldn't have minded me reaching out once in a while but I could be wrong.

Thanks for the advice. But as said before, what worries me is if this all would be coming across as me not being interested or not caring about it, indicating that maybe I was never interested at all. I wouldn't want to go down that route. I'm not one for playing games as well but it saddens me not hearing from her at all...

I hope she'll reach out and that I don't waste anything by not getting in touch once in a while. But I guess that's for the future to point out at the moment.

[domp]

Hmm, I can't seem to edit my post anymore. Just wanted to note that I feel the conflict for me lies in the fact that

I want to give her space if she needs it but at the same time, I want to be there for a person I care for. And this, for me is all mixed up with the fact that I do hope some rekindling can take place in the future. That last part is what makes the decision so difficult I suppose  (Like, will she just move on to someone else if I seem to not care anymore or will she shut down if I care too much) Haha, my my, why do I make it so complicated  

It would be easy if I knew for sure the relationship ended because of her not having interest in a relationship with me but she didn't say this. She told me it wasn't lack of interest & that she did feel something special but that she wasn't sure if she'd want it all the time? That she liked being with me a lot but not all the time and she told me she didn't want this to be an on and off thing... I'm not sure what to make of this, maybe it's actually really complicated in her head or it was a way of letting me go easily.  hehe, I don't know  

[once removed]

I'm not sure what to make of this, maybe it's actually really complicated in her head or it was a way of letting me go easily. 

its hard to say.

on some level, whether consciously or unconsciously, she may have some idea of your hopes/expectations, and not feel that she can deliver them. if thats the case, and it may not be, she may see it as a greater kindness not to play into that.

can you tell us a bit more about the rough patch(es) shes going through? i think that would give us more of an impression to work with, and read her better.

[domp]

What do you mean with he hopes/expectations?

I feel a bit unsure to say all that stuff on here to be honest (I also found it strange to write all the previous stuff as well actually, not sure if it's a good thing). I feel it's a private matter to her. But it is all paired with depression, loneliness and thinking and doing stuff a living being usually shouldn't. It makes me sad people have to go through struggles like this. I figured people going through this might appreciate a "hello there" once in a while.

[once removed]

What do you mean with he hopes/expectations?

you may want more than shes prepared to give. she may know that, intuitively or otherwise.

im speculating.

[domp]

Oh as in within the relationship? Maybe that could be true, I don't really know sadly enough. She knows I'm looking for something that can last a longer time. I had the feeling she wanted the same and not something superficial.

Thinking of giving her a shout someday soon though. I kind of feel like a lousy friend otherwise, don't know

[Yellowpearl]

Seems like life stress is holding her back from a relationship. Have you thought of what you can say if you plan to reach out? Maybe writing it down for yourself can help. How long has it been since you heard anything?

[domp]

Yeah that's what I was thinking as well, I think she was pretty sincere in saying she can't do this. She thought she could but she's not fully ready for it apparently. That's also why I don't bear any grudges toward her and still want to keep her as a friend. She's a nice person after all. I just don't want to bother her too much at the same time if that's what I was doing. It might also have all been stress and forgetfulness from her part,I wouldn't want to end this because of a simple misunderstanding

About a week or so. Not really planning on sending anything special, just asking how she's getting on out there and how the assignment she was working on is going

[Yellowpearl]

I think you’re on the right track and handling it the best you can so considering how it has been. I can understand how tough it is when you want to help a person who is going through stuff and not wanting to overstep.

You could try sending that one message and eventually once things are more cleared up, with understanding that she may take a while to reply or not give too much in her answer, that she will be more open. As it seems, if there are truly misunderstandings here and there, she shouldn’t been bothered in the long run as misunderstandings aren’t really a reasonable reason to not talk to someone again.

[domp]

Thanks. I appreciate you guys taking your time to listen and reply. We'll see how things evolve in the future. Time will do it's own thing anyway I guess

I wish you all the best in life!

[joel050283]

I have found in my experience reaching out just doesn't seem to work. Nothing wrong with a few kind words, but leave it at that, and it's up to them to respond.  It's not easy, but really the more you try the more they push away.

[Yellowpearl]

As Joel is saying in that sense I agree. Reaching out can have the opposite effect. No more than few words or they start pushing you away. In my experience reaching out over time led to a full blown meltdown...

[domp]

Hmm you're making me second guess now

I wouldn't be pushing for a response though.

[domp]

So I did reach out and she got back to me, apologizing for suddenly going quiet, saying she does that sometimes. She seems to be in a better place now, I'm happy for her

I'm not sure if she would initiate contact herself though, I might reach out again in a couple of days but I wonder if the fact that she doesn't reach out herself says something about a lack of interest in talking to me. She seemed quite keen to talk but it might've been politeness as well I suppose.

[Harri]

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