Smear campaign?

[conflicted55]

Just found out that she xSOwuBPD had planned the breakup meticulously. She even has a script that she is churning out to family members. That I was keeping things from her is the reason she left... .instead of the real reason which is her having an affair with her ex. And her keeping that from me!
So I get no closure not told anything. And everyone else is told something prior to me knowing it was over. Yes, makes me feel real good... .NOT.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the pain of hearing that she planned the breakup, and the pain of having her tell her side to people.  Where are your feelings about the relationship now?  Are you feeling like detaching, or more like you want to rekindle the relationship?

RC

[conflicted55]

I feel somewhat perplexed Radcliff. The part of me that loves her wants to rekindle, the part of me that is hurting wants to protect myself and detach. It just feels like I cant move forward and I cant move back... .feel well and truly stuck.
What is so frustrating is that I cant get to the gym or go for a drive due to my current ill health. I am stuck in four walls with all these emotions. 

[Radcliff]

I feel somewhat perplexed Radcliff. The part of me that loves her wants to rekindle, the part of me that is hurting wants to protect myself and detach. It just feels like I cant move forward and I cant move back... .feel well and truly stuck.

I can relate, having spent quite a bit of time in this perplexed state myself.  Remembering all that was good and wanting it back, yet also remembering the unhealthy things and wanting to protect myself and possibly try for a healthier relationship with someone else.  One thing that helped me through this stage was to pay attention to what my body felt when I contemplated the various paths.  Whenever I felt confusion, I'd visualize one path or the other, and listen to my body.  This conversation with my body went on for a while ;)

What is so frustrating is that I cant get to the gym or go for a drive due to my current ill health. I am stuck in four walls with all these emotions. 

That's rough!  What are you able to do to take care of yourself within the constraints that you have?  Can you download books, start a project, watch shows or movies you haven't been able to do, listen to a certain type of music, or somehow get in touch with parts of yourself that may have been lost or muted in the relationship?

RC

[conflicted55]

Radcliff, thank you for your reply. When you say listen to your body when you visualise the various options, do you mean if you have an uncomfortable feeling then you would note that as not the appropriate choice?

I am able to watch movies, have been researching on the internet. I have a backlog of paperwork to do which should be a priority. But I have found myself using all my energy making sense of this awful experience of no closure and prior to that I suspected for a long time she was having an affair so that kept me on my toes. Still cant get my head around that. and all the lies.
Anyway, I will endeavour to keep my sanity and do some self healing.

[Radcliff]

Well, in my case, I had many special memories with my spouse, decades of shared history, but also she was unsafe for me.  As I thought about getting back together with her, I felt a tightness in my chest, a surge of apprehension, etc.  Everyone's situation will be different.  So, in short, yes, if your body feels relaxed or at least neutral, that might be a healthy path, and if tense or anxious, an unhealthy one.  This is just one way to look at things, but for me, since I tend to be analytical, getting in touch with my right brain and my body was important.

It sounds like you're having ruminations, thoughts that keep crowding out other things.  One way to interrupt these ruminations is to breath slowly in through your nose, hold your breath for a few seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth.  This deliberate breathing demonstrates that you have control over your body and helps interrupt the thoughts.  Then transition to some activity that will occupy your mind in a safe direction.  Might this work for you?

RC

[conflicted55]

I will try the breathing Radcliff. I certainly need to find things that self soothe.

I will endeavour to write a letter today... .and get all the negative stuff out on paper. I don't intend to send just purge.

Thank you for your kind advice. Much appreciated.

[conflicted55]

I reread my first post again in this thread. And acknowledging that even though I disagree with the reason the xSOuBPD is giving for breaking up ... .does not mean that it is not a valid reason for her... .and recycling the ex just maybe her security blanket when she is hurting.

I still would have appreciated this being communicated to me rather than just jump from one to another. But BPD's are like children so the emotional maturity to do this may be lacking.

[Radcliff]

It seems very common for our members to not be able to have successful closure discussions on failed relationships with their pwBPD.  In fact, I'm struggling to think of an example where someone did.  Unfortunately, I think it goes with the territory.  You're not alone in this experience.

RC