PART 2: How To Accept Devastating loss?

[freespirit]

Moderation note:  this is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330098.0

Sharing insights - I think I have been trying to save my uBPDm uBPDd and unpdxh, all the while wanting someone to save me. I think I have been projecting my childhood need for safety or a savior onto others.

Within this, I have not been accepting the nature of BPD/NPD. I believed that if I shone bright enough, that would cure them, and make them want to self reflect.

I can see now that not taking a break, and working flat out to "shine" (to cure them) was not balanced or healthy, and is what brought me to crisis.

Clearly, I have not been accepting their limitations or my own.

Underneath all this I have been scared that I wont have my needs met (for a happy, safe family). I didn't want to be a failure or admit defeat.

Putting family recovery as a top priority led to my youngest daughter and I being discarded, and this has led to me uncovering my abandonment trauma. ( Previous work has been on abuse)

[Harri]

You have done a lot of deep work here freespirit.  It is not easy to see these things but you have done so!  How are you doing with these new insights?

Clearly, I have not been accepting their limitations or my own.

Accepting our limitations to fix others or infuse other people with hope, determination and the will to change is very difficult.  Have you ever read this article:  The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship  It is a pretty eye opening thread on what we can do and the challenges we face.  Not many are in a position to be the support for a pwBPD nor is it always appropriate, especially when we have our own trauma to still heal from and deal with.

I used to think it was my duty to stay with my family to help them and protect them.  It was a tough realization to realize I could protect them from nothing no matter how hard I tried.  I was not well enough to do so. 

Underneath all this I have been scared that I wont have my needs met (for a happy, safe family). I didn't want to be a failure or admit defeat.

Was this a role you had growing up?  To take care of others to the point of not taking care of your own needs... .even to the point of maybe having your role of meeting the needs of others take over?

Putting family recovery as a top priority led to my youngest daughter and I being discarded, and this has led to me uncovering my abandonment trauma. ( Previous work has been on abuse)

What do you mean when you say it led to you and your youngest daughter to be discarded?

 

[Kwamina]

Hi freesprit

Playful parrot here

I think I have been projecting my childhood need for safety or a savior onto others.

Feeling safe is very important for people, for children and also adults. When you grow up in an unsafe environment, this can really have long lasting effects. Are there any people in particular onto whom you've projected these needs?

Underneath all this I have been scared that I wont have my needs met (for a happy, safe family). I didn't want to be a failure or admit defeat.

Where do you think this stems from? Did you perhaps growing up or in your marriage often get the message, explicitly or implicitly, that you were supposedly a failure?

What does admitting defeat represent to you? Do you perhaps equate not being perfect to defeat/being a failure?

The Board Parrot

[freespirit]

Thank you for your reply Harri, and for the link to the thread on, The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship. I am part way through it, as I am the thread that wendydarling posted for me, Does acceptance mean losing hope?, both of which are amazing!   

Your questions and The Board Parrot's, are like rocket fuel for my learning, healing and growth. Thank you 

I did some detective work on a flashback I was having this afternoon. My head was off, in a manic loop, repeating the same thoughts over and over, for no purpose. I am learning this is a sign for me to pay attention to that I am in active flashback. I was on my walk at the time in nature by the river and thankfully remembered to do my 555 quantum breathing mindfulness practice, which helps bring me down out of my head and back into my body.

I was home before I knew what was going on. I wrote in my journal, I figured it out and as soon as I did, it went like BooM.

When the energy of the core of the flashback hit, It was deeply physical and had me doubled me over in deep sobs of grief that seemingly came out of nowhere.

Turns out I was grieving the loss of my daughter. I was grieving that I could not save her. I didn't want to leave anybody behind. I still love her, even though her intentions towards me, others and even herself at this time are not good.

I felt a lot better for releasing it. It a blessed gift to me to be here on bpdfamily forum sharing it with you guys.

Thank you 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Freespirit! 

Sometimes this journey is downright scary, and I speak from experience. It took me some time to relax into T and the journey. Like Harri said, I thought I had to speed on through it too. My body and life had other thoughts.

It's tough when you want this pain to end and go away, quickly. One of the things I tell others is that I had to go back in order to go forwards. I did a lot of journaling, had regular T visits, connected with my support people often and frequently, especially at the early time of my journey.

As the structure of the life we've known begins to crumble, you may find yourself afraid because you don't know what the foundation of you is anymore. It comes with time. That's why it is so important to listen to your body and rest when you are tired. The mind is like our physical bodies are. Our mind gets tired too and needs rest. You wouldn't expect to run one marathon after another in straight succession. You need recovery time in between. It's okay and normal.

Rest, restore, recover-one of my T favorite sayings.

 
Wools

[freespirit]

Woolspinner2000 You said -

listen to your body

This is very good advise, thank you. Thank you for giving it to me straight. Message received loud and clear. I am actually sick at the minute and really do need to listen to my body. Thank you  again 
 

[freespirit]

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
- Brene Brown.

Good morning bpdfamily,  

I woke up this morning realizing that I haven't been accepting very much of my story at all. I've not even been accepting the diagnosis of c-ptsd I had in my 30's. That's why over the years I have never built my support network and only ever arrived here in crisis, and never stayed long. It's like I've had one foot on the accelerator, and one foot on the brake ready to run. This is hard to admit. I am positively squirming.

I have decided that today is the day this changes. Today is the day I forgive myself for not being able to 'save' everyone. It was never my job anyway. Today is the day that I stop running, and Let Myself Be to quote Harri. Today I better understand that Its me who sets myself free, no one else can do it for me.

Today I better understand the quote by Barry H. Gillespie.

The path isn't a straight line; it's a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.

I have my referral for an initial assessment on Tuesday the 6th. Hopefully things will go well, and I will get the correct help from a T with knowledge of BPD/npd relationships. Is there anything you would recommend I do to prepare for this appointment?

Blessings for your day, Freespirit 

[freespirit]

CTC said -

I think I have been projecting my childhood need for safety or a savior onto others.

The Board Parrot said -

Feeling safe is very important for people, for children and also adults. When you grow up in an unsafe environment, this can really have long lasting effects. Are there any people in particular onto whom you've projected these needs?

Thank you for your question CRB it has furthered and deepened my learning, healing and growing.   

#NarcissisticAbuseandCodependencyRecovery. This is my first response to it. 

Taking Care of Ourselves 

We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless.

Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.

Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing.

We are our own rescuers.

Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us.

Today, I will let go of the fears and self-doubt that block me from taking assertive action in my best interest. I can take care of myself and let others do the same for themselves.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

#LEARNINGHEALINGGROWING #RECOVERYOUTLOUD WE CAN DO THIS #ADULTCHILD

Blessings for your day 

[freespirit]

Hello bpdfamily  

I just came back from my mental health assessment with the Tees, Esk and Wear Valleys Access Service.  

The women I had was wonderful and is referring me to a psychiatrist for diagnosis of c-ptsd. I am very grateful to be finally getting the help and support I need, and I want thank bpdfamily for the role you have played in this.  

Thank you ~ Freespirit

[Harri]

That is excellent news!

Will you get in soon?  How about your daughter?

 

[freespirit]

That is excellent news!

Will you get in soon?  How about your daughter?

 

Thank you Harri,  

She said that I should get a letter with an appointment date within 2 weeks, although I have no idea how long I will have to wait for the actual appointment itself.

My daughter is 19, so my approach was to share your message with her, and then ask her how she would like me to respond.

I am waiting for her reply, and will let you know how that opens up 

[freespirit]

"Become an unflinching source of kindness and self-compassion for yourself."
- Pete Walker.

Harri you said -

How about your daughter?

This is her response ~

"As a society we're not shown how to be real & deal with our feelings, our trauma, our inherited dysfunction. And that's just not right. We're being constantly distracted by what big corporations are producing and how fabulous the lives of celebrities appear to be... .While ignoring the real issues. It needs to come to an end. How does that happen? It all starts with ourselves, Beginning our own journey to recovery. We all feel pain, because we're all human, So why are we not taught how to deal with our emotions in a healthy way so we don't dysfunctionally act them out in patterns for the rest of our life? Tools to deal with pain should be provided and taught in schools, especially because that's when most youths are going to need it the most."

She wanted to thank bpdfamily for their help and support, and says that being a member here has been life changing for her. #Gratitude

 #HealingGenerationalPain 

[Harri]

Your daughter sounds smart.   

I'm so glad the both of you are benefitting from this site.

[Kwamina]

Sounds smart indeed!

Hmmmm so since freespirit is Cosmic The Cat right... .maybe we can call her daughter The Cosmic Kitty!

The women I had was wonderful and is referring me to a psychiatrist for diagnosis of c-ptsd. I am very grateful to be finally getting the help and support I need, and I want thank bpdfamily for the role you have played in this. 

Thanks for this update, this is great news and I too am very glad you will now be getting some targeted help for your c-PTSD

[Harri]

Hahaha!  Classic Parrot!

[freespirit]

Harri you said -

Your daughter sounds smart.

Kwamina you said -

Sounds smart indeed!

I agree with you both 111%. She is smart, and funny, and beautiful, inside and out, and I am blessed by her presence in my life

Thanks for this update, this is great news and I too am very glad you will now be getting some targeted help for your c-PTSD

Yes, thank you, its a miracle really 

Hmmmm so since freespirit is Cosmic The Cat right... .maybe we can call her daughter The Cosmic Kitty!

This is PURRfect CRB, I am having so much fun!    

All roads lead back to the inner child, blessings for all our inner children   

"Can't close my eyes
I'm wide awake
Every hair on my body
Has got a thing for this place
Oh, empty my heart
I've got to make room for this feeling
It's so much bigger than me
It couldn't be anymore beautiful"
- Imogen Heap, Peter Pan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOn5ADZpAwk

[Woolspinner2000]

I'm so glad for your news, Freespirit! A big ray of hope to help you along this journey. 

 
Wools

[freespirit]

Woolspinner2000 you said -

I'm so glad for your news, Freespirit! A big ray of hope to help you along this journey

Yes, thank you Wools!   

My biggest takeaway from this crisis journey has been a deepening of a lesson around boundaries, which is that unconditional love does not mean lack of boundaries, and that some people, even if they are soul family, need to be loved from a distance.

Do no harm, but take no   



Thank you ~ Freespirit 

[freespirit]

I am learning, healing and growing so much thorough this crisis process, and I feel so very happy and grateful to be here. Thank you bpdfamily 

"What matters is not just that this happened, but who I will become because it did. Dear God let my suffering not have been in vain. Let me become a women so kick-ass fabulous, wise, compassionate, strong, amazing, because I went through this."
- Marianne Williamson, SHE RECOVERS in NYC.



#RecoveryOutLoud We've got this #AdultChild 

[Harri]

I am glad you are feeling better and that yu are making progress.

Can you share some of what you have learned or insights you have gained?

[freespirit]

Can you share some of what you have learned or insights you have gained?

Hi Harri,    thank you for the invitation to go deeper  

Crisis has the ability shift us out of our comfort zones and into a deeper perspective of life, ourselves and our relationships. Through this crisis I have gained a deeper understanding of the part I have played.

For example, look what it has taken for me to accept my life story... .I have had to literally come face to face with the possibility of my own death.

"The life long process of de-minimizing the impact of childhood trauma is like peeling a very slippery and caustic onion. the outer layer for some is the stark physical evidence of abuse, e.g., sexual abuse or excessive corporal punishment. Subsequent layers involve verbal, spiritual and emotional abuse. Core layers have to do with verbal, spiritual and emotional neglect." - Pete Walker.

Even though I had already done a lot of inner work to get me to this point in recovery, I was still in great resistance to wholly accepting my story and the core layer of my cptsd. Seeing this in myself, I can never blame anyone with BPD/npd ever again. No one is to blame, but we are all responsible.

I can now see that I have had entitlement issues, just as surely as any BPD/npd has them. I can see how growing up without healthy functional adults set me up for entitlement issues in relationships. Deep down I felt entitled to healthy, functional relationships, I expected people to self reflect, to be kind, helpful and polite, because that's what I wanted, and never had.

Even though I am still dealing with a crisis situation with the Universal Credit and I need to find somewhere to live and a job, there is a miracle happening in my family relationships, and this is the most myself I have ever felt in my entire life.

I am grateful for all that has gone on because it has brought me to this point in my recovery. It has set me free, and I am a better person because of it.

Thank you for listening ~ CTC  

[freespirit]

This is the spirit message that was given to me whilst I was coming off my walk autumn 2015, right before my dark night of the soul. I never fully understood its meaning, until now.  

"Before the last leaf falls we want you to understand one thing - There is no loss, only Love!"



"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die and find that there is no death." - Eckhart Tolle.

"Well guess what! - The caterpillar inside the cocoon is a MESS, its messy work to be reborn!" - Paul Ferrini.

Paul Ferrini dark night of the soul >>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XN0TkIGsJak <<

[freespirit]

"Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up.

This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall.

This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed."

- Terence McKenna.

 

[Harri]

   Hello.

No one is to blame, but we are all responsible.

I very much agree with this.  The idea of being responsible, for me, empowers me and gives me strength and hope.  Without a sense of responsibility I am left dependent on others.  Responsibility, in terms of healing myself and accepting how things are, is not a prison.  It is freedom to me.  That is not to say that I don't sometimes feel down that I have the issues i do have or that I resent having to work so hard to do 'normal' stuff but... .that is when I have to work on my radical acceptance.  How does it work for you?

What sort of changes are you seeing in your family?

[freespirit]

  Hello.
 I very much agree with this.  The idea of being responsible, for me, empowers me and gives me strength and hope.  Without a sense of responsibility I am left dependent on others.  Responsibility, in terms of healing myself and accepting how things are, is not a prison.  It is freedom to me.  That is not to say that I don't sometimes feel down that I have the issues i do have or that I resent having to work so hard to do 'normal' stuff but... .that is when I have to work on my radical acceptance.  How does it work for you?

What sort of changes are you seeing in your family?

I love this quote Harri, and I very much agree with it. I think it would make a great topic for a thread! 

We got together and discussed the shift. We all agree there is more acceptance of what is, less blame, more gratitude, less entitlement, and more of a sense of personal responsibility happening within the family dynamic.

[Cat Familiar]

This thread has reached its posting limit and is now locked. Please feel free to continue the conversation in a new thread. Thank you for your participation.

Cat