First Post; Setting boundaries with adult BPD mother who hates my husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I was here once a very long time ago (probably 10 or so years) and find myself here, once again.

My mother's BPD flairs up (not sure if you also experience this?) She was on her best behavior for about a year, just long enough for me to think that maybe she was "better." She's also on steroids to treat a medical condition, which has fueled her rage (quite literally).

Six months ago my husband and I bought a condo, and shortly after we deployed overseas for work. We were set to be back in 6 months, and she was going to "check" on our condo to make sure the pipes didn't break or anything crazy while we are gone. Before we were even on our flight out of the country, she had broken her lease two towns over and moved into the condo. She didn't ask, she just did it. We financially support her completely, and so she said she had a problem at her apartment, and it made more financial sense for her to just live in our place since we were gone.

We got a break in our deployment and I was back for 6 weeks and my husband was back for the two weeks in the middle. It was horrible. So horrible my husband left early. Not only did she completely rearrange EVERYTHING in the house (which she knows drives me mad, but I "don't know what I'm doing" and she just "made things make sense."), but she was outright mean to me and my husband while we were there. She was constantly huffing and puffing, slamming doors, insulting me. My husband is very non-confrontational and so basically just hid. Once I took him to the airport SURPRISE! she was in the BEST MOOD EVER! We had two weeks together which were more or less ok, including Thanksgiving. The closer it came to my departure the colder she became. By the last day she was barely talking to me. She cried when I left which made me really sad, and ever since I've left she's refused to talk to me or answer my texts, so I've stopped texting.

She says she's miserable because she's "homeless" and forced to live in our condo and doesn't have a space of her own. I've told her she can move out at any time and we will continue to pay the rent. She doesn't know where she wants to live. She's in a bad mental space. her nutrition is down which adds to her depression. I am so conditioned to just want to make her happy, but I know rationally there's nothing I can do to make her happy, and the more I try the more she gets upset. For Christmas I got her a new iphone (on my plan, hers was really old). She was openly upset with me over it because she didn't want a new phone and had an attachment to the old one.

I don't know. I feel so conflicted and sad over all of this. She was so mean to my husband which is unacceptable. When I tried to confront her about it she said she wasn't mean, that I'm the mean one, and that she's only mean because I'm mean.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[NFCMoz]

Hi All,

I was here once a very long time ago (probably 10 or so years) and find myself here, once again.

My mother's BPD flairs up (not sure if you also experience this?) She was on her best behavior for about a year, just long enough for me to think that maybe she was "better." She's also on steroids to treat a medical condition, which has fueled her rage (quite literally).

Six months ago my husband and I bought a condo, and shortly after we deployed overseas for work. We were set to be back in 6 months, and she was going to "check" on our condo to make sure the pipes didn't break or anything crazy while we are gone. Before we were even on our flight out of the country, she had broken her lease two towns over and moved into the condo. She didn't ask, she just did it. We financially support her completely, and so she said she had a problem at her apartment, and it made more financial sense for her to just live in our place since we were gone.

We got a break in our deployment and I was back for 6 weeks and my husband was back for the two weeks in the middle. It was horrible. So horrible my husband left early. Not only did she completely rearrange EVERYTHING in the house (which she knows drives me mad, but I "don't know what I'm doing" and she just "made things make sense."), but she was outright mean to me and my husband while we were there. She was constantly huffing and puffing, slamming doors, insulting me. My husband is very non-confrontational and so basically just hid. Once I took him to the airport SURPRISE! she was in the BEST MOOD EVER! We had two weeks together which were more or less ok, including Thanksgiving. The closer it came to my departure the colder she became. By the last day she was barely talking to me. She cried when I left which made me really sad, and ever since I've left she's refused to talk to me or answer my texts, so I've stopped texting.

She says she's miserable because she's "homeless" and forced to live in our condo and doesn't have a space of her own. I've told her she can move out at any time and we will continue to pay the rent. She doesn't know where she wants to live. She's in a bad mental space. her nutrition is down which adds to her depression. I am so conditioned to just want to make her happy, but I know rationally there's nothing I can do to make her happy, and the more I try the more she gets upset. For Christmas I got her a new iphone (on my plan, hers was really old). She was openly upset with me over it because she didn't want a new phone and had an attachment to the old one.

I don't know. I feel so conflicted and sad over all of this. She was so mean to my husband which is unacceptable. When I tried to confront her about it she said she wasn't mean, that I'm the mean one, and that she's only mean because I'm mean.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back! 

I have heard of people with BPD having flare ups as you describe though I never experienced that myself.  Flare ups with so long in between sounds like it would be very hard to reconcile the extreme changes.  I do know that steroids can really set off anger in a lot of people.  For me, when I have had to take them, awareness was key to anger management.  I don't suppose your mom is too good at that though?

I am so conditioned to just want to make her happy, but I know rationally there's nothing I can do to make her happy, and the more I try the more she gets upset. For Christmas I got her a new iphone (on my plan, hers was really old). She was openly upset with me over it because she didn't want a new phone and had an attachment to the old one.

Knowing something rationally is totally different than knowing on an emotional level.  I think we have all experienced that.  I am sorry she is reacting this way.  I am sure you know that is all about her and has nothing to do with you but... .that is all about her and has nothing to do with you.    

I don't know. I feel so conflicted and sad over all of this. She was so mean to my husband which is unacceptable. When I tried to confront her about it she said she wasn't mean, that I'm the mean one, and that she's only mean because I'm mean.

This sounds like Projection and FOG to me.  Are you familiar with those?  We have articles I can link you to if you want them.

I agree that this is tiring and it sounds very stressful, especially when she is insulting your husband, living in your home and still complaining about it and finding everything you do to be wrong.  Have you ever tried setting boundaries and limits and saying no to her before?  What do your boundaries look and sound like when you set them?  We can help if you want to try changing things at your end of the relationship.  I am not saying you are at fault at all.  Nor am I saying that changing you will fix her... .it probably won't but you can make things significantly better for yourself.