My wife has BPD but we live in a country with minimal support (and have kids)

[alongwayfromhome]

My first ever post:  
I met my now wife in 2016.  An amazing, passionate, loving woman.  She had a delightful newborn daughter (no dad on the scene) and I fell head over heels in love.  I discovered early on that she'd previously had 2 other serious relationships, the first of which she'd had two children with (but hadn't seen since), the second relationship she'd had a son with, who was now living with her ex who had full custody.  As time went on and we got closer, she became pregnant (my first child) and then what I now know to be the symptoms of BPD started.  It started with verbal abuse and threats (often around money)... . The symptoms would come and go and me being me I just decided to live with it.  Lo and behold her ex (the second one) heard that my now wife was in a stable relationship and decided to hand over their son who, along with her 3 month old daughter (now a bit older), I look on as my own.  Symptoms worsened over time and by the time my biological daughter was born, she'd progressed to physical violence (and the occasional death threat).  I've lived with this for 3 years now but it was only in the last few months that: 1) I opened up to others and learned that my wife probably had BPD 2) after I went on a business trip recently (which she was invited to join), she quite literally threw out everything I own... .clothes, family albums, including every scrap of memory I had of my own mum, grandparents, books, dvds.  A lifetime of things I'd collected all gone.  I realised then that unless she was able to acknowledge and take steps to do something (she's aware that she's unwell but unprepared to do anything), then it was unlikely to get any better.  Aside from the massive damage it's had on my confidence and even finances - I used to be fairly cautious and now I'm near broke, my key concern is the effect on the kids.  She alternates between moments of being a loving, thoughtful, doting mother to being aggressive (she'll scream at the two toddlers if they cry), to neglectful and wrapped up in her smartphone.  There is limited help in the country where I live now (South East Asia), but I know in my heart I can't keep burying my head in the sand.  All thoughts welcome.  

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[once removed]

hi alongwayfromhome, and

im glad you decided to reach out, and i hope youll make yourself at home as part of the family here.

it does sound like things have really come to a head, havent they? somethings gotta give. we can help you navigate to stable ground, whichever path you choose.

when was the last time she was physically violent? how often does it occur?

[Bnonymous]

Hi alongwayfromhome,

I'm new here too.

That sounds like a scary and complicated situation. I don't know how the law works over there, but might you (as a step-parent) be able to adopt your wife's children? If so, it might give you more of a sense of security in that regard.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry for the pain your are experiencing, and especially for the loss of all of your possessions.  That must have been such a hard blow.  There's a lot to talk about, so stick with us, but let me start by following once removed's lead and asking about physical violence.  Can you describe the most recent violent act?  The worst?  How frequently is she violent?  Is she ever violent towards the kids?  Sorry for so many questions, but it's helpful to get a handle on this important topic up front.

RC

[RolandOfEld]

She alternates between moments of being a loving, thoughtful, doting mother to being aggressive (she'll scream at the two toddlers if they cry), to neglectful and wrapped up in her smartphone.  There is limited help in the country where I live now (South East Asia), but I know in my heart I can't keep burying my head in the sand.  

Hi alongwayfromhome, I'm an American and I live in East Asia with a local wife myself, so beyond the fact that my situation matches what you describe above almost exactly in terms of back and forth from good mother to neglectful, I can also fully understand the dimension of facing these things as a foreigner with almost no support. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I think Radcliff and once removed's questions regarding violence are the most urgent.

For my part, I'd like to get a better picture of your situation. Are you fluent in the local language, and do you have any close friends or family there? You mention limited help - is there anything in the way of therapy or psychological support services there?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[longwayfromhome]

Sorry I disappeared as in trying to 'hide my tracks' posting on this forum I managed to lose my login details.  Thanks everyone for their replies, it's much appreciated.  Since I last wrote my wife had one episode (triggered by a bill not having been paid), in which she first of all threatened me with a heavy glass vase (and then threatened our two girls with it), before proceeding to systematically destroy all the glass frames of family photos (that she'd ironically just had reprinted).  She told me to take the kids and pack all their belongings.  I obliged and as ever when she finally calmed down we mentioned her 'illness' and she once again said that she wouldn't go for treatment but just accepted herself for who she is.  Since then she's got back to her usual self where I'm an 'amazing husband' which I know will only last until the next time.  I've been advised unanimously by friends with whom I've shared this secret to try and leave the situation for my own safety.  It doesn't help that her family have got some let's say 'dark connections', so threats abound at moments when she succumbs to her dark side.  Crazy me but if there was anything I could do to keep our family together and help my wife get better I'd do it.

[once removed]

she snoops then, im guessing... .

this is a really heavy load on your plate, lwfh, and im glad that you have friends that you can confide in, and no doubt that theyre concerned for your safety.

what are your next steps if any?

[longwayfromhome]

I've been fantasising about her willing to acknowledge her illness and do something about it but no, there's only so long that one can watch one's own life become slowly eroded away.  She's such a lovely human being BUT clearly very very ill and I think a danger not only to me but her children.  I was in touch with a specialist organisation in my home country who told me that they'd consider me to be at high risk and to try and find a way to exit to protect the kids.  Only yesterday I had to try and persuade her not to hit our tired and crying 3 year old because in her view she had no reason to cry (and needed to be taught not to cry unless she was physically hurt).  I can see only one direction for this unfortunately.

[once removed]

we have a sophisticated test here, in terms of threat levels... .can you give it a try, and tell us the results?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

[longwayfromhome]

Hi alongwayfromhome,

I'm new here too.

That sounds like a scary and complicated situation. I don't know how the law works over there, but might you (as a step-parent) be able to adopt your wife's children? If so, it might give you more of a sense of security in that regard.

The law allegedly protects children but the police and the judiciary are 'open to influence'.  Unfortunately my wife's family have violent influence.  A lawyer told me it'd take me months (and wife's permission), to adopt the little one (plus the small matter of 1000's of Dollars).  The oldest one has a legal custody relationship with his biological father (who is aware of my wife's condition) and who could step in.  It breaks my heart to smithereens to see these beautiful kids treading on eggshells and desperate for mum's continuing love and attention but with only me able to be consistent in terms of affection and respect and behaviour.  So, it's only my biological daughter who I could potentially 'save'.  Obviously in a 'dream world', my wife would stop apologising for these moments of madness but would agree to do something about it as she's lost so much before we met as a result of the condition.

[longwayfromhome]

we have a sophisticated test here, in terms of threat levels... .can you give it a try, and tell us the results?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

Fantastic thanks, am on it now.

[longwayfromhome]

we have a sophisticated test here, in terms of threat levels... .can you give it a try, and tell us the results?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

I completed the test and was scored at 8 out of 10.

[Radcliff]

That's a rather high score.  I remember when I took it, I learned a lot just from reading all of the questions.  What were your thoughts as you went through the questions?

Have you been keeping a journal of the incidents where you were concerned for your safety or the children's, where there was a physical incident to a person or belonging, or threat of one?

RC

[longwayfromhome]

That's a rather high score.  I remember when I took it, I learned a lot just from reading all of the questions.  What were your thoughts as you went through the questions?

Have you been keeping a journal of the incidents where you were concerned for your safety or the children's, where there was a physical incident to a person or belonging, or threat of one?

RC

I have some photos from when I've been injured as well as lots of whatsapp messages.  Also from home country I'd be able to ask the police for an official record of the incident that occured there (including a photo of where I'd been struck on my head).  I have a video recording of her threatening the children to stop crying.  So yes, here and there, but nothing systematic as it's all been a blur.  It was interesting to read through the questionnaire and to realise how much I've 'normalised' this behaviour. 

[longwayfromhome]

It's been enormously helpful reading this forum to read of other people in a similar situation.  What's so challenging is the internal conflict between 'keeping things as they are', a loving, together family of 5 but tinged by occasional bursts of abusive language to everyone, including the kids, as well as the threat of violence.  Or biting the bullet and trying to bring it to an end, in so doing, hammering another nail in the coffin of my significant other who's twice been in relationships where they've ended because of her behaviour (she's not seen the first two children she's had since they were babies).  The question is how on earth can one motivate someone with BPD who recently said that she accepts her illness and can't change herself, to actually go about and try and seek treatment (and stick with it).  I keep coming to the same conclusion that unless she takes this step, our family is doomed in its current form.

[RolandOfEld]

The question is how on earth can one motivate someone with BPD who recently said that she accepts her illness and can't change herself, to actually go about and try and seek treatment (and stick with it).  I keep coming to the same conclusion that unless she takes this step, our family is doomed in its current form.

Hi lwfh, you are in the exact same place as I was in earlier this year so maybe I can give you some perspective from where I'm sitting now.

I had also reached a point where I had hinged all hope on my wife getting better. Six months later, I still have hopes she might recover, but it won't be with me. I have decided I want to end this eventually and change our relationship from married to friend and co-parent. In the end it wasn't about love, but pure pragmatic need for me and the kids. I know I can't win the legal battle to get custody even though my wife does the same things as yours, because I am both male and foreigner. But if we separate, I can live a fully normal life and show them what that stability looks like. If we stay together, their one and only model will be a chaotic home.

I'm not saying your situation is exactly the same as you should do the same as me, but I think it would help you to loosen your concept of what a family has to be. Even if you and your wife separate and you can't have custody of the kids, at least you can give them half a normal life. It's also possible in this situation that your wife will naturally let most of the care time fall to your side naturally, instead of trying to enforce it through law. It all has to appear to be to her benefit.

~ROE