Need Guidance on Ongoing Situation

[clvrnn]

I am coming back to this thread to seek help for a situation I've found myself in.

At first, (as usual) this person seemed amazing. We would spend all of our time together - we go to university together too, so would see each other more often than perhaps we might have done elsewhere.

Recently - well, this week - things have taken a turn for the worst. I didn't respond to a message she had sent me until three hours after she'd sent it, and, when I tried to tell her the reasons for this, she blew up at me and accused me of all sorts of things.

I was a liar, I wasn't to be trusted, etc. This interrogation and accusation phase went on for two days. Any time I would contact her, she was fiercely angry at me. I tried telling her that she was hurting me, emotionally, and she told me that I was "annoying" and reminded her of her aunt(?), in that the aunt tries to make people feel 'emotionally guilty' (which was not what I was doing, I was expressing my feelings to her).

Last night, she apologised to me. Well - she said she was sorry for being a 'bit' hurtful, but that it was because I was 'bombarding' her with messages. I wasn't. I was matching the amount I was being sent by her - it's just that she began to ignore me, so it looked like I was sending messages alone.

This morning, she was back to being blunt. I asked her what the deal was between us. She said she doesn't know, and needs time to think things through. I replied that I understood, but that I cared for her and didn't want us to split (I have no idea why I said this) - no response.

Throughout the entire day, I experience severe anxiety to the point that I did not eat, felt sick,  was shaking, and had to eventually go on a bus ride to nowhere, just to get out of the house. Against my better judgement, I sent her a short message telling her that I was struggling with the uncertainty, and that it was making me worried and anxious, and that I didn't really know what I should do.

I regret sending that, but it's done. She didn't respond, and hasn't responded.

This is the first time she has not responded to me, and I am going out of my mind with what it may mean. I can't see how she will suddenly message me, and I am worried that she won't message me again.

I am aware of the 'splitting', and that it may be likely she won't come back. I feel as if it may be possible she has met someone or is talking to someone else, but I don't know. I try not to think about that.

I am unsure of what to do next. I can't message her again, but, at the same time, I need to know what's going on. I am struggling with the sudden switch from spending all of our time together to nothing.

[Red5]

clvrnn, how long have you been in this relationship, and do you consider it to be exclusively romantic, or just freindship that is growing towards romantic?

Two of the boarderlines biggest and most underlying fears are abandonment and engulfment.

Red5

[clvrnn]

It’s a romantic relationship, lasting around four months. Not that long.

[Red5]

It’s a romantic relationship, lasting around four months. Not that long.

No, four months is not very long... .so to see these type behaviors manifesting... .that’s something you need to think about now.

Has either of you said the “I love you” yet, not to be too nosey, I’m just curious... .and if you have, who said it first?

Just trying to get a reading of things at the four month time frame.

In my own relationship, my uBPDw told me she loved me at about the six week mark, and she did it with a txt message after she had left my house one night, during the dating; love bomb/ideation phase... .which to me was strange at the time, a txt message?... .really I thought to myself, a bit early maybe, and with a txt, not face to face, in a “moment of closeness”... .I see it now, almost twelve years later, as one of the first “red flags”... .but at that time I was quite clueless, and I dismissed it,

This was back in June of 2007, before iPhones... .so a flip phone, back then you had to really “want to txt”

Red5

[clvrnn]

I’ve said it to her, she hasn’t said it to me but has indicated that her feelings are really strong. She says it takes time for her to say those things, and that her ex said it to her and she didn’t say anything back for a while.



That text thing does sound strange, why not say it in the flesh?

[Red5]

She says it takes time for her to say those things, and that her ex said it to her and she didn’t say anything back for a while.

What’s the timeline between you and her ex, and you as well, was there a relationship with another before her (current love interest)... .

In my own relationship... .there was approximately three weeks (!) between me and my predecessor... .that all came out years later... .after we were married... .

I had also recently ended a previous nine month relationship... .that was about eight weeks before I met ‘her’ gf(uBPDw)... .

Red5

[clvrnn]

I think it’s two years since they broke up. With me, it’s been the same length of time.

[love4meNOTu]

Hello!

First of all I can tell you I have never liked the whole texting back and forth bs... .Instantaneous gratification of emotion currently felt with no deep thought of how the message will be received. And the same with our responses! When I think of all the mean things I've said to my boyfriend via text... .Ugh I need to grow up!

So now when we are arguing i put the phone down, we both have enough anxiety as it is.

That being said, you've had a minor disagreement and in my view both your reaction and hers seem overboard. After four months you barely know each other. Now is the time when you are having fun getting to know each other and if you work well together... Great! If not, that's ok too!

She asked for space. Let her have it, despite your anxiety. You have the grace to acknowledge that something has triggered both of you so wait. Wait for a cooler head and the knowledge that if things don't work out between you things will still be ok.

You will be ok. I promise, wait and everything you need to know will be revealed in time.

[Cat Familiar]

Something my P said which is applicable to your situation: "The beginning of the relationship is the best part. Everything after that is unlikely to be as good. Can you live with that?"