Hello everyone. I am glad to have found this group. I just went through the scariest thing I have ever imagined I would go through. Let me start from the top... . I have been in a relationship for over a year now with a 50 year old man that I believe to have BPD. Of course I figured that out WAYYY too late. He was very charming, kind, loving, charismatic, etc... .but there were red flags almost right away. Unfortunately, I couldn't see them. I can only see them looking back on it.
I met him when I was a bar manager for a small town restaurant/bar. We started dating almost immediately. I was absolutely enthralled with this man. He was not from that small town, and he really intrigued me. He was smart. He was extremely handsome (like- out of my league handsome, I felt) and I just couldn't believe my luck. He took me on proper dates (a picnic, nice restaurants, etc) and long story short, we fell head over feet in love. About 7 months into the relationship, we decided to move in together. And this is when it got very serious. His biggest thing is honesty and loyalty. I have been honest and extremely loyal in everything I do. If someone contacts me from my past, I tell him. If someone hits on me at work, I tell him. But he gets all spun out whenever I tell him things like that, which makes telling him anything terrifying. And we have these DAYS long arguments that always resolve in a positive way, but the entire time we argue, I sit there thinking "This reaction is what I get for being honest?" and it's always ALL THE WAY out of proportion.
So, anyway, back in August of this year, we were having another days long argument over some perceived crime I had committed, and he was drinking... .and he ended up putting his hands on me. Later that night he attempted suicide and got put into the hospital (I left when the physical violence started). He promised then that he would seek help and he would change. He did seek help and admitted to having "Clinical Depression". So he also went on anti depressants. But then he kept telling me about his therapy sessions, and his therapist was wanting to talk to me about how I've been such a terrible partner to him. (Not a good way to get me into therapy). Shortly after that he just lost interest and quit. Fast forward to a month ago.
We were having another days long argument and I had decided to move out. The escalation began Sunday night. I almost immediately disengaged because its literally always about the same perceived slights and he rolls them all up into one big huge thing... .(You NEVER make me feel like a man, You insulted me sexually, you insulted my intellect, you think what I do for a living is beneath me, and on and on... .) So, that Sunday night, I disengaged... .(I get so tired of the blaming and accusations) and I went to the master bedroom and locked the door. I heard him leave, and I heard him come back quickly. He had a bottle of Whiskey and some coke. I knew right then that I needed to get out of there. He is an alcoholic that is always trying to quit drinking. Nothing good comes of it when he's drinking. So I went to the bedroom and he never bothered me that night. Monday morning, I went out and found an apartment. I couldn't move in until it would be cleaned and vacant that Friday. So I went home and saw that he was still drinking in the morning... .and I took the berating and abusive language all that day and night. The next day, Wednesday, I worked from 8 AM to 8 PM. When I called him to see if I could just grab some clothes for work the next day, he said that was fine. He sounded calm, and sober.(?) So, I walked in the door, and sat down at the table by him. We didnt talk much, but I told him that I was not leaving the relationship, but I did need to leave his house. he didn't say a thing. He just reached over and grabbed me by the bun in my hair and dragged me by it to the living room. I was in complete and total shock. He's an all american wrestler and was a wrestling coach most of his life. I dont want to get into all the details of the assault... .but I was in various wrestling holds for 2 hours, and I was allowed to leave after that.
So, I know I'm pretty long winded today, but I had him arrested. And I put a no contact order in place. Only to break it a week later and reach out to him and ask him to come to my new apartment. And I keep wondering... .what the hell is wrong with me that I can't let this man go? What's it going to take?
