Concerned about my S3. When did you first notice signs?

[JNChell]

Hi, all. I’m usually drifting between Detaching, Learning and PSI. I’m becoming more and more concerned about my Son. He will turn 4 this weekend and I’ve read that things need to be nipped in the bud by 7. What should I be looking for? I’ve seen things that have gotten my attention, but I’m not sure enough. His mother is uncooperative and tells me that I’m the problem any time I raise concerns about him with her. She won’t inquire.

What do I need to look out for? What do very young children present with that are indicators of future problems?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi JNChell

I hear your concern, you are worried, what's happening with you and your S4, what's taken your attention

WDx

[JNChell]

Thanks, wendydarling. The most recent concern was at an exchange. His mother and I hadn’t seen each other for close to a year. He had a huge meltdown. I don’t believe that it was just a tantrum. It lasted for at least 20 minutes. Maybe longer. I voice memoed the last 14 minutes. After I was finally able to talk him down, his face was blank like there was nothing there. When I could get him to speak it was monotone. I remained calm throughout all of it.

I apply positive parenting with him. He doesn’t get punished or yelled at or anything like that. Timeouts are the farthest it goes, and this is only used when he melts down to the point of non communication. This is becoming more frequent. I encourage him to take breaths when he’s in time out. This used to work well and quickly. It’s now taking longer and the breakdowns are worse.

I’ve seen shame on his face at times. He’ll do something he shouldn’t have, I’ll calmly address it and I can see the shame and I’ll try to address the problem and quickly get to validation because I don’t want him sitting in shame.

In the past he has reported incidents of his mother being aggressive with him. I know she’s capable, I’ve seen it first hand. I never interrogate him, it just came out. I would confront her about it. Now, when I ask him how he’s doing, sometimes he says, “not good.”. When I try to investigate, he gets agitated and says he doesn’t want to talk. I’m afraid that he’s being coached.

Those are some examples. I hope I’m not being overzealous, but I don’t know. I’m on my own as a single father with him and his mom just says that I’m crazy whenever I raise a concern. I’m kind of at a loss right now and could use some guidance.

[Only Human]

Hi JNChell 

I don't have an answer to your question,

What do very young children present with that are indicators of future problems?

but I do have a 4-year-old grandson living with me whose mom (DD24) is BPD and I worry about "signs" as well.

What I see in my GS is a low tolerance for frustration, acting out physically (throwing toys, punching, kicking, scratching), and, like your S3, "blank face" stuff and difficulty soothing himself. He's also quite contrary, for example... .if I say, "Oh, look GS, there's a big rain cloud up there!" He may respond, "No it's not! It's a white, fluffy cloud!" It's something that sticks out for me because it's familiar - - my daughter "was the same way."

For me, I've decided to use the same tools with him that I'm learning for communicating w/my DD. I bought the book, The Power of Validation that wendydarling recommended and have found it really helpful.

As for co-parenting with his mom and getting no support, I can relate to that as well. My exH was no help at all with either of our kids and often made things worse. So I quit talking to him about stuff.

Do you think it would be beneficial to have him evaluated?

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Hi JNChell,

What causes your S3 to go into meltdown?

What do I need to look out for? What do very young children present with that are indicators of future problems?

I’m not sure that there is anything specific that you need to look out for at such a young age (assuming you mean relating to BPD). A lot of parents here, including myself had no idea while our kids were growing up that we would end up having to deal with this disorder. We all did our best as parents, as you are doing with your son. One thing that I will say though, is that my son was the most difficult of my three children and he was hyper sensitive from a very young age, it is this sensitivity that seems to be a common factor here.

You are doing your best to provide a loving, positive and stable environment for your son and you recognise the power of validation. These are all good things.

FB x

[JNChell]

Hi, Only Human. Thanks for reaching out. There are some similarities that I see in my Son that you’ve described about your GS.

acting out physically (throwing toys, punching, kicking, scratching)

He is aggressive at times. He has hit me on occasion and will punch walls, etc. sometimes when he’s agitated. I don’t know how frequently this happens because he’s with his mom much more than he’s with me. I do know that he acts fine at daycare because I’ve asked, but I also know the difference between social and private settings. The “blank face” after a meltdown really concerns me. His mom does the same thing after a rage. Dissociation.

"Oh, look GS, there's a big rain cloud up there!" He may respond, "No it's not! It's a white, fluffy cloud!"

This too. I’ve thought that it was just him being imaginative. I don’t know.

I have The Power of Validation on my bookshelf. It was recommended to me by Turkish some time ago. I haven’t read it yet. I bought so many books at one time when his mother and I split and I haven’t got very far with them.

Do you think it would be beneficial to have him evaluated?

Yes, and this is going to happen. His mom has pushed back on this relentlessly, but has finally given a hostile green light. She doesn’t want him to be assessed and I know it. That’s another thing that worries me. Why the pushback over our Son’s wellbeing? She has forcefully said that she will be there for all of it to make sure there are no lies or embellishments. Ok, fine. I do plan on meeting with the T that will be assessing him a couple times before he is brought in. I think she’ll need to know the dynamic that he’s from and currently living with. I’ve been in couples counseling with his mom. This is going to be difficult at best. Do you have any suggestions on how I should approach the T? Obviously, this is about our Son, but I want the T to know what’s going on.

[JNChell]

Hey, Feeling Better. Glad to talk with you again. Thanks for getting involved in this thread.

What causes your S3 to go into meltdown?

Well, the latest meltdown was at an exchange. His mom and I hadn’t seen each other in person for close to a year. His meltdown was bad. I voice memoed the last 14 minuets of it. Am I just overreacting? I understand that he’s a toddler, his mom just calls me crazy and this is the first time I’ve raised a child. Am I simply thinking too much? I just want what’s best for him.

He doesn’t seem to be overly hyper sensitive. I just think that he’s having a hard time in his little mind and body. It hasn’t happened for a while, but he used to frequently state that he wanted mommy and daddy together in toddler speak.

I think the best that I can do right now is to meet with the T that was recommended by mine and get the ball rolling here.

[Only Human]

I'm glad your ex agreed to have him assessed, even begrudgingly. My daughter is also reluctant to have my GS assessed, despite encouragement from people other than myself. I think, for my DD, her reluctance comes from fear. On some level, I know she knows his behavior is learned from her. She screams, spanks, and, until recently, kicked him. She's not in a place where she can have her parenting style questioned/confronted. It may be the same for your ex.

Do you have any suggestions on how I should approach the T? Obviously, this is about our Son, but I want the T to know what’s going on.

I'd be inclined to let the T take the lead on this. If she has knowledge of BPD, it's likely that she knows all too well what's going on.

You are doing your best to provide a loving, positive and stable environment for your son and you recognise the power of validation. These are all good things.

I agree with Feeling Better. Your son is lucky to have you in his corner <3

~ OH

[JNChell]

I think our son’s mom is afraid as well. I just want our Son and the dynamic between us to work. She’s very controlling and is unable to discuss logic. She gets emotional and shuts down.

[Feeling Better]

Thanks for the warm welcome to your thread JNChell 

His meltdown was bad. I voice memoed the last 14 minuets of it. Am I just overreacting?

I don’t think you are necessarily overreacting, it depends on why you decided to voice memo the last 14 minutes of his meltdown. Any specific reason?

I understand that he’s a toddler, his mom just calls me crazy and this is the first time I’ve raised a child. Am I simply thinking too much? I just want what’s best for him.

Of course you want what’s best for him and finding the right balance can be extremely difficult whether it’s your first child or not. Being a parent for the first time is like walking in unknown territory but we all instinctively know what is right and what isn’t.

I think the best that I can do right now is to meet with the T that was recommended by mine and get the ball rolling here.

Yes, that is a positive move.

I think, for my DD, her reluctance comes from fear. On some level, I know she knows his behavior is learned from her.

I think that OH is spot on with this observation, both the fear that her DD has, as obviously she doesn’t want to be perceived as a “bad” mother, and also the fact that her GS has learned his type of behaviour from his mother. Your T should be able to distinguish between learned behaviour and a potential problem.

I do plan on meeting with the T that will be assessing him a couple times before he is brought in. I think she’ll need to know the dynamic that he’s from and currently living with. I’ve been in couples counseling with his mom. This is going to be difficult at best. Do you have any suggestions on how I should approach the T? Obviously, this is about our Son, but I want the T to know what’s going on.

I understand why you want to see the T before your son is brought in, you obviously want her, as you say, to know what’s going on. The only suggestion that I feel able to give is to try and not lay blame on his mother, just state the facts and leave the T to work the rest out. As for your son, do you think that it would be a good idea to make a list of the things that give you cause for concern?

FB x

[JNChell]

I really appreciate all of the support here, and I want to apologize for moving so fast and not validating you all. I read through the thread as it sits thus far and I’ve just been grabbing at information instead of having a discussion. I’m sorry for that. I’m kind of on edge with everything lately and I’ve been in a bit of a mode. Walleye vision. I’m going to sit with the latest responses for a bit before I respond. Again, I apologize and am extremely grateful for how you all received my concerns.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders