Need to Vent. I'm trying to do things differently

[Step3]

I'm working hard on bettering my relationship with my girlfriend.  We had been doing great since Thanksgiving, she was being sweet and calling me, wanting to see me. Then a few days ago she called me to tell me about something she heard on a video she watched.  I was having difficulty interpreting what it meant and she ended up having to explain it to me which upset her (because she wants to be able to have a two way stimulating conversation).  I text her after we hung up that I was having difficulty and I'm sure that was disappointing to her but that after her explanation it made sense to me.  She said she understood but I know she was mad.  Yesterday we were together and she raged on me.  Reminded me of everything bad I have done.  Even the time I hung out with my ex and her husband when my girlfriend and I were broken up and she was in a relationship with someone else.  She reminded me of the time I called the police when my sons father threatened to kill himself and that it was none of my business to help him.  All I did was call the police and move on with my life.  She has this crazy story in her head that I got him into rehab.  I never even attempted to help the guy, I want nothing to do with him.  Then she went on to say I do nothing to enhance her life, I just use and take from people and she doesn't know why she's with me.  After a while the raging stopped and we were fine.  All the sudden she's planning fun things for us to do in December and talking to me like we're a couple.  Then last night she was complaining about someone from work and I was validating her but something I said must have pissed her off because she said she wanted to go to bed so I needed to go home.  I went home, haven't text her.  I don't know if I should just leave her alone until she comes around or if that will make it worse.  I usually contact her every day to say good morning.  So this will be the first time I don't.  That could piss her off even more or she simply won't care.  I hate this feeling.  My family lives in another state and I'm tempted to go visit them next week and not even tell her I'm leaving.  I feel like she wouldn't even notice, but my luck she'll call like nothings wrong and dump me for needing to be where I feel loved.  I feel starved from love and affection right now. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

when shes dishing out a laundry list like that, how do/did you respond?

[Step3]

Hi Once Removed,

I used to get defensive but yesterday I acknowledged that I can understand why she's upset about the things she brought up, I told her I won't and haven't done those things anymore.  I let her go on and say what she needed to say and let her know I was on her side.  Eventually she calmed down and we had a better day.  Until now, she's completely ignoring me at this point so I did end up messaging her saying I sense she needs space so I will honor that and wait to hear from her. 

In the mean time, I'm hurting but that's all I can do at this point.  Hurt and leave her alone. 

[once removed]

Then last night she was complaining about someone from work and I was validating her but something I said must have pissed her off because she said she wanted to go to bed so I needed to go home.

what happened here? can you give us some of the back and forth?

[Step3]

Ahhh, that part. She said this person at work has bad energy, isn't accountable and is selfish.   I just said how frustrating it is for her to deal with what the person at work does.  The person at her work hit her car and never really apologized and acts like it never happened, also was smoking by her car the other day and it irritated her because she wanted to go to her car but didn't.  I told her if I hit her car, i'd feel so bad and send myself home and also be apologetic and also how inconsiderate it is that the person at work smokes by her car and that it's even more irritating that she still parked near my girlfriends car after already hitting it.  That's when she told me she wanted to go to bed so that was my que to leave.  I guess it made her mad because I have upset her but I never bring those things up anymore ?   

[isilme]

It's hard, but sometimes they do best if we say nothing at all, just nod.  I may hazard a guess she took your comments:

"I told her if I hit her car, i'd feel so bad and send myself home and also be apologetic and also how inconsiderate it is that the person at work smokes by her car and that it's even more irritating that she still parked near my girlfriends car after already hitting it.  "

... .as you making the conversation about you.  I am not saying you were doing this, but to a pwBPD it may seem this way, and therefore they aren't getting the desired response and so they get mad.

I agree to stopping the morning texting - it's really you reaching out for validation about how they are feeling so you know how you are allowed to feel.

It's a work in progress for me, even after 23 years, but I need to give myself permission to feel how I feel, and let H feel how he feels, without trying to worry about it.  It's hard.  I get stressed when I can tell he's mad, simmering, upset.  I don't want to walk on eggshells, but it's such an ingrained reaction to me. I am codependent, think that I may never break fully free of it, but I am trying.

You can have your feelings and not worry about hers.  She is in charge of hers, even if she fails to see she can also learn to control them to some extent.  Right now, she is using you to control her emotions and blaming you when you fail to put her in the "right" emotional state.  You are set up to fail - you can't "make" her emotions better, she ahs to learn to do this.  It's very hard to see someone you care about hurting, and even worse when you try to help and they just stay mad at you and hurt you for what feels like no reason to us.  To them, there are millions of reasons, mostly, we "failed" to "fix" their feelings.

[once removed]

are you sure that shes upset/mad? is it out of the ordinary for her to wind things down and say she wants to go to bed?

[Step3]

Isilme,

I agree that I could have avoided adding myself to the equation. I meant well but I could tell her mood changed when I said I said what I said. And i understand w hy at you mean about us being in charge of our own feelings as well as them being in charge of their own. I often feel she uses me to fix her feelings. If I "discount" hers in anyway, I'm out and for me that's frustrating because I'm on her side.

Once Removed, yes- it's out of the ordinary. She showed me out,  shut the door quickly and even the porch light. And today I haven't heard from her at all which isn't normal when things are ok.

A friend invited me to a Christmas concert. I'm trying to get myself to go instead of being sad the rest of the evening. I know when I leave my girlfriend alone, she comes around. I just hate the waiting. I'm in the medical field and I've seen a lot of sad situations, for me I get hurt because she never thinks about how petty this stuff is and that we're not immortal. Life is too valuable to be pissed for nothing.

[once removed]

And today I haven't heard from her at all which isn't normal when things are ok.

shes used to "good morning"... .could she be maybe thinking the same?

[Step3]

Once removed,

I did end up sending her a good morning message but she never responded. 

[Radcliff]

That's great that you've been able to dial back on being defensive, and have started to validate her feelings when she is upset.  Those two changes make a big difference in lessening conflict.  You talked about the situation with the coworker.  I, too, have had situations with my pwBPD where she'd be upset at someone, then I'd back her up in the conversation, "ganging up" on the other person (with just the two of us talking) and then she'd get upset at me for being mean.  The trick is to just validate their feelings.  We don't need to concern ourselves with facts, solutions, or judging the third party, we just have to validate our pwBPD's feelings about the situation.

RC

[Step3]

RC,

You give great advice, thank you so much. I hope she'll come around and I'll ne able to use that advice next time. I could feel it was time for me to slow it down but I got so excited in taking her side that it went too far. I still haven't heard from her. It's two days now in the past, I was calling and texting like crazy. I haven't done that now.  I just want the silence to end.

[Radcliff]

That's great that you're learning not to pursue.  Not only can it crowd our pwBPD, but it actually can reward them for pulling away (if they feel uncertain about how much they mean to us, they can pull away, and we pursue, making them feel better, which rewards them for pulling away).  once removed is the king of figuring out how to handle the push-pull cycle, and will have some good advice for you there.

RC

[Step3]

Thank you RC!

It's difficult not to pursue since I just want to go back to normal but she leaves so frequently that now I feel like I've taught her it's ok. It's starting to happen weekly. We've been on this crazy dance almost five years and I'm exhausted. I refuse to reward this any longer.

Once removed! Now I'm turning towards you. I'm at a point where I'm just seconds away from seeking a job back in my home state, packing my things, changing my phone number and moving away without even telling her. I don't think she'll reach out to me today. I've already reached out to her by saying good morning, letting her know I care about her and her feelings and would like to understand the silence and that I hope to hear from her when she's ready. No response so I've backed off. I've thought about giving her two more days then calling her. She has some things that are valuable to me and hasn't offered to give them back and from past experience,  that tells me it's not over. When it's over, she'll put my stuff outside and tell me to go get it. She'll also text me that she can't be in this relationship, which she hasn't done yet. I try to let that keep me hopeful but honestly, I'm hurting so bad.

I promised her that the next time she needs space that I won't bother her. So I'm sticking to that. I feel like she's either really pissed at me or she's testing me to see if I'll keep my word. But this feels like a game and I can't stand it. How do you handle all the push-pull? Do you wait for your significant other to come around on her terms or do you at some point reach out? What do you do when she comes around? I want her to understand this isn't ok to not tell me what I did wrong and disappear! Then she tells me I don't trust her!

[once removed]

I'm at a point where I'm just seconds away from seeking a job back in my home state, packing my things, changing my phone number and moving away without even telling her.

i appreciate being at that point 

making such a move would be pretty impulsive, and its not an advisable way to break up with someone... .we have a lot of members who have had just that happen to them, and it tends to create more problems than it solves.

How do you handle all the push-pull? Do you wait for your significant other to come around on her terms or do you at some point reach out? What do you do when she comes around? I want her to understand this isn't ok to not tell me what I did wrong and disappear! Then she tells me I don't trust her!

you dont handle silent treatment, in the sense that you accept your partner for who they are, and that theyre going to do what theyre going to do, and then you behave and live accordingly. you let them have/take their space, and see it for what it is, and either that works for you, or it doesnt. either are valid.

its not always that black and white, of course. sometimes, in some situations, and over the long term, there are ways to get on the same page about this stuff, and communicate to your partner that there are better ways. this, on some level, is a coping mechanism for her, one that has worked, and one she will likely continue to use so long as it works, which could either be forever, or never again, or somewhere in between.

is it one you can live with?