Hello, I must have tools in my tool box first

[living_in_Narnia]

Hello!   Today is my first day on bpdfamily.com, and I see so many resources, threads, etc.! A lot more than I expected. What a relief to finally find some help from people who get it. I've been in therapy for about three years, but when my insurance changed last year I had to find a new therapist. It was about 5 months until I found one I liked.

My first visit was in late January, and we started trauma therapy at the end of April.  This current therapist is the one who introduced the idea that my mother may have BPD and urged me to do some research online, read some books, look for some online forums, etc. One thing I know for sure: if my mother doesn't have BPD, she certainly has the characteristics.

I'm in my late 40's, happily married for almost 20 years, have one child - a teenage son with mild autism (Asperger's) and characteristics of ADHD - whom we homeschool. I was first diagnosed with mild autism/ Asperger's about three years ago; at seventeen I was told I had ADHD, which we now believe to be incorrect. My husband and I believe autism/ Asperger's comes through my father's side of the family and can trace the characteristics back five generations in all. Ironically, I started working with people of all ages and all types of disabilities when I was 19, graduated with a BS in special education/ psychology, taught special education for about fifteen years, and connected especially well with students who were non-verbal and/ or on the autism spectrum. I wasn't diagnosed with ASD until five years after teaching school.


My mother doesn't live anywhere around here and we rarely see one another, which is a good thing. (My father isn't in the area either, which my therapist says is a very good thing.) Since I drew my line in the sand with my mother and her husband nine years ago, the relationships have been very up and down between them and my husband and I. Mostly down. I have tried over and over and over and over to establish healthy boundaries regarding my marriage, my thoughts & beliefs, my spiritual life, my fashion, how my husband and I raise our son, how I cook, how I clean house, and everything else but explaining is the easy part. She always agrees. Then when the rubber meets the road, all he** breaks loose because she crosses my boundaries yet again. This results in one of us saying something ugly, inappropriate, or unnecessary and the other one refusing any communication whatsoever. That is where we have been since July 2017, when I cut off all communication. I am only human and can only take so much.


When I was a small child, she always talked to me as if I were a very short adult: confiding in me, telling me things I have no business knowing, controlling my life and trying to control my thoughts/ beliefs as well. As an adult, she continues this but wants to take it a step further and insists that we be best friends. I have told her I have friends; I need her to be my mom. I also told her she needs therapy (for several reasons including past abuses) but she says the only therapist she needs is me. I refuse to be her best friend or her therapist; any chance we had at being friends was sabotaged when I was young and continues to be.  No matter what I say, she refuses to back off.

I hope to begin communicating with her someday, but I must have tools in my tool box first so I'm armed and ready with answers, coping skills, strategies, and so on. I don't like shutting her out of my life like this but I cannot and refuse to accept her disrespect of me, my boundaries, my husband, my marriage, my son, and so on.  One of my goals in therapy and during this season of life is to equip myself to be more effective at communicating and in my social skills; I hope to gain what I need to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with my mother, at least what I can do. I understand relationships are a two-way street; she and I both have a part to play. As a dear friend explained to me, my mom and I have been doing this her way for all these years. If she wants a relationship with me, we'll have to do it on my terms because the evidence proves that the other way doesn't work. I'm also working through unforgiveness and bitterness issues concerning her and her decisions/ words.


I haven't yet bought any books but looked through several on amazon.com, read what was offered, and narrowed it down to _Surviving the Borderline Parent_ as the first one. My therapist wants me to read more, so the next one might be _Understanding the Borderline Parent_.


Complicating things for me, my marriage, my family, and any relationships are the facts that I'm a SURVIVOR of abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual. I refuse to be called a victim. My drive to be the best wife, mother, friend, etc. is what drove me into therapy. I wanted answers and to resolve the turmoil churning inside me. I also refuse to repeat the mistakes and wrongs of my parents (and other authority figures) with my husband and son, as much as I am able. I know I am human, and my faith is crucial to my well-being. My church and Bible study are important in my life as well. Twelve friends and I just started a support group, which is already proving to be a great help.


Well, I have emptied my brain for now!   Maybe people here will know now where I've been, where I am, and where I'm headed. After all, how can you help me, offer advice, etc. if you don't have some background?

[Harri]

Hi living in Narnia and welcome to the board!  It is good to have you here but I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us.

Many of us here have a mother with uBPD (undiagnosed BPD) or BPD traits.  Diagnosis of BPD or not, we can all relate and we all support each other.  Some of us are just starting and others have been working though issues for a while.  Regardless, we get it here.  

I hope to begin communicating with her someday, but I must have tools in my tool box first so I'm armed and ready with answers, coping skills, strategies, and so on. I don't like shutting her out of my life like this but I cannot and refuse to accept her disrespect of me, my boundaries, my husband, my marriage, my son, and so on.  One of my goals in therapy and during this season of life is to equip myself to be more effective at communicating and in my social skills; I hope to gain what I need to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with my mother, at least what I can do. I understand relationships are a two-way street; she and I both have a part to play. As a dear friend explained to me, my mom and I have been doing this her way for all these years. If she wants a relationship with me, we'll have to do it on my terms because the evidence proves that the other way doesn't work. I'm also working through unforgiveness and bitterness issues concerning her and her decisions/ words.

All of this lets me know you have a good plan and have an excellent idea of what you want.  We have plenty of tools and communications lessons to offer you so once again, it sounds like you are in the right place.  

The two books you mentioned are excellent.  Surviving the borderline parent has exercises that help you work through issues and understand where you may need help.  Understanding the Borderline Mother is more clinical and can be a tough read but worth it.

I hope you dig in and read and feel comfortable jumping into other posts to comment.  Having a support network is so important and we can be a part of that, in addition to your church friends and your husband.  

What do you want to work on first?

[Learning2Thrive]

liN

  I’m so glad you found us. So much of your story resonates with me. You definitely fit in here and we “get” what you’re going through.

I’m so glad you’ve found a therapist you like. That can be very challenging. I hope you’ll keep posting both here and on other threads. We are all here, helping each other heal.  

  L2T

[Turkish]

My son, 8, was diagnosed with ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's) almost two years ago.  I try to imagine if I had Asperger's and being raised by my mother and it horrified me.  My mom kind of telegraphed to me that I should be harder on my son.  "The problem with parents these days is that they aren't harder on their kids." Passive-aggressive comments. Smacking him for whatever like she did me? No way.

You should be proud of being a survivor!

When I was a small child, she always talked to me as if I were a very short adult: confiding in me, telling me things I have no business knowing, controlling my life and trying to control my thoughts/ beliefs as well. As an adult, she continues this but wants to take it a step further and insists that we be best friends. I have told her I have friends; I need her to be my mom. I also told her she needs therapy (for several reasons including past abuses) but she says the only therapist she needs is me. I refuse to be her best friend or her therapist; any chance we had at being friends was sabotaged when I was young and continues to be.  No matter what I say, she refuses to back off.

It is sad that she still thinks like this to this day.  It smacks of emotional incest,  a burden no child should have to bare. It's so damaging to children.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

You spoke of spiritual and sexual abuse... .do you feel comfortable to share what went on?

I know this is tough stuff, but we're all family here and will support you living_in_Narnia  



Turkish

p.s. i had S8 read the first three Narnia books this summer

[living_in_Narnia]

Hi living in Narnia and welcome to the board!  It is good to have you here but I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us.

Harri, Thank you for welcoming me. I guess I was on hiatus but am back. So glad to have this forum with people who understand.

Many of us here have a mother with uBPD (undiagnosed BPD) or BPD traits.  Diagnosis of BPD or not, we can all relate and we all support each other.  Some of us are just starting and others have been working though issues for a while.  Regardless, we get it here.  
 All of this lets me know you have a good plan and have an excellent idea of what you want.  We have plenty of tools and communications lessons to offer you so once again, it sounds like you are in the right place.  

The two books you mentioned are excellent.  Surviving the borderline parent has exercises that help you work through issues and understand where you may need help.  Understanding the Borderline Mother is more clinical and can be a tough read but worth it.

  I ordered _Surviving the Borderline Parent_ and am slowly working through it. There's a second one I ordered also called _Understanding and Loving a Person with BPD_ by Stephen Arterburn and Robert Wise. Will read it next.

I hope you dig in and read and feel comfortable jumping into other posts to comment.

*Not really sure how to do that yet but I'll figure it out as I go, I guess.

Having a support network is so important and we can be a part of that, in addition to your church friends and your husband.  

What do you want to work on first?

 Well, I've been working on - quite honestly - wrapping my brain around this whole idea, processing, and accepting it as truth. It's been hard for me to consider. I haven't lived with my Mom since I was 11 so I really feel like in some ways I don't know her very well. We've seen one another over the years, of course, and talked on the phone a lot, but that's different. I was also scared I might have BPD too but now I don't think so.   hahahaha I guess that's been said a bazillion times before. Seriously, I've carefully examined myself over the past 6 months or so, and I just don't fit the profile. I've got enough to work on as it is, as I've mentioned earlier.

[living_in_Narnia]

liN

  I’m so glad you found us. So much of your story resonates with me. You definitely fit in here and we “get” what you’re going through.

*Thank you for the reassurance and acceptance.

I’m so glad you’ve found a therapist you like. That can be very challenging. I hope you’ll keep posting both here and on other threads. We are all here, helping each other heal.

*That's what I want is to heal. I definitely don't want to stay stuck where I am, not communicating at all with my Mom and still learning. I hope one day to re-engage contact. I used to hope for a perfect relationship but I think that's unrealistic. Still learning what a healthy relationship with her should look like, if that's even possible.

[living_in_Narnia]

My son, 8, was diagnosed with ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's) almost two years ago.  I try to imagine if I had Asperger's and being raised by my mother and it horrified me.  My mom kind of telegraphed to me that I should be harder on my son.  "The problem with parents these days is that they aren't harder on their kids." Passive-aggressive comments. Smacking him for whatever like she did me? No way.

*Thanks so much for your response! It's great to know there's a special needs parent on here, especially an "Aspie" parent. Yes, my Mom has said lots of things like that to me. She's never lived with my son so she doesn't really know him; they only see one another for a few days at a time every year or so and talk on the phone a lot. However, I'm thankful she's never lived with him and isn't around him more. She's doing enough damage on the phone and sending him gifts and things he wants. She physically and verbally abused me, and I refuse to participate. The cycle of abuse stops with me.

You should be proud of being a survivor!

*Oh, I am. I've come a long way but still have much to work on. I don't ever want to get stagnant, like an old mucky pond with a thick layer of algae on top, no clear and fresh water flowing into it and no way for the water to flow out either.

It is sad that she still thinks like this to this day.  It smacks of emotional incest,  a burden no child should have to bare. It's so damaging to children.  

*Interesting you should mention that term. My therapist asked me if I'd ever heard of it and gave me the homework of looking it up at home. I was shocked. She has done this to me, and I believe she is doing it to my son now. He's 15 and we consistently work with him on having healthy boundaries with her. It's hard though because she is so very manipulative and charming; he thinks her word is law and she's the best thing since sliced bread. My husband and I are very careful to NOT be negative about her or talk badly about her with him. That's difficult too.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

* Will check this out. Thanks for the link.

You spoke of spiritual and sexual abuse... .do you feel comfortable to share what went on?

*Spiritual abuse from two former pastors - at the same church. We left there almost ten years ago, thank goodness. Found a great church immediately after we left the other. Still dealing with some faulty thinking and replacing it with correct & healthy. Sexual abuse is still very painful to discuss. Working through it in weekly trauma therapy. All I can say about that is it started when I was 5 and stopped when I was 24. Different folks and situations. A lot of blame and shame on my part. Working through that too.

I know this is tough stuff, but we're all family here and will support you living_in_Narnia

*Thank you so very much!

p.s. i had S8 read the first three Narnia books this summer

*Ah, wonderful! I've read all of them more than once (I'm older, more time - haha) and have seen 2 of 3 movies. Can't get my son to read any fiction. He says because he can't imagine it in his head he doesn't understand it. Loves to read non-fiction though.

[Harri]

It is okay to take a hiatus, especially if you come back!  ;)

*Not really sure how to do that yet but I'll figure it out as I go, I guess.

Do you mean you are having trouble navigating the site?
Check out this handy link:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319252.0

You are not alone in wondering if you have BPD but I am glad you found a place of peace with the question.  We all have things to work on. 

I am glad you have stuck with therapy and it sounds like you are doing well with it.  Trauma therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever done but it is worth it.