Two steps forward…ten steps back

[Josie C]

It’s been a few months since my last post, with the usual roller coaster of emotions for my DDw/BPD(30).  For the most part we have managed.  After being fired last May from a job she loved and becoming suicidal, she started with a new therapist in August who uses a dbt-informed approach.  Started doing food delivery (very) part-time.  We pay her rent and utilities, she mostly covers all other expenses. 

We have the usual BPD drama, but it has lessened over the last six months.  It was nice to have a reprieve from the intense emotions, especially the anger and blaming. Oh, we still have telephone calls where she is awful and hurtful, and angry/ugly texts. And holidays are no picnic. I’ve worked on my dbt skills, my husband and I just completed Family Connections, I’ve been doing more reading about the illness and trying to get better at validation. I’m getting better at not taking things personally and understanding that much of her anger and blaming is the way she deals with feeling shame.  I wasn’t kidding myself into thinking things were peachy, but I sure had hope that we could keep learning and growing together.

That’s why this week has destroyed me. A few days ago, she called in distress. She wasn’t feeling well, was having a rough night of work, and her emotions (anger) got the better of her.  She called to tell me about some mischief she had just gotten into and she was horribly upset and worried about it. (It was mean, perhaps even illegal.) I validated her feelings—I really did understand why she was so very angry and why she did what she did, it made complete sense in her situation. She wanted me to tell her that she was in the right.  I couldn’t do that.  Again, I told her that what she was feeling made sense.  That wasn’t enough for her.  She hung up on me, called back to talk to her dad.  It took him a long while, but he stayed on the phone until she was calm. 

The next day, we spoke and she gave me an earful.  Said that I was putting my values ahead of her.  Demanded that I admit that my ‘moral compass’ was more important than her.  Blamed me for ‘giving her’ mental illness. And on and on.  My attempts at validation were falling flat and I was so beaten down I found myself in JADE territory.  Darn, why didn’t I hang up???

She finished by saying she loves me and would rather hate herself than hate me.  But she decided this isn’t good for her mental health, so she is cutting me off.  She said she  ‘no longer has a mother.’   Removed herself from a family group chat with her three brothers.  Refused to answer my call the next day.  I texted that I know she is angry and hurt and I’m giving her space.

We’ve been on this roller coaster for 10+ years and she has never done this.  I feel awful.  To have your beloved child tell you that she would rather hate herself than you—gut-wrenching.  I know I could have managed it better, not let it escalate, been more effective. I’m tied up in knots about it all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Josie, sorry about the latest developments. It seems to me that your daughter feels deep shame, and that the intensity of her reaction reflects the seriousness of what she did. In fact, she could be upset because she broke a streak of better behavior/choices too. She could be pushing you away to avoid your judgment, and to punish you while also punishing herself. My BPD stepdaughter did this many, many times. I’d say, don’t worry too much, because she depends on you and will be back when she needs something.

[Pook075]

For what it's worth, my 26 year old BPD daughter has been on the same path- lots of progress the past few years, but still the occasional explosive episodes as well. 

I remember about a year ago, things got super ugly when her relationship fell apart.  She kept saying, "I threw away two years of hard work and self-help with that meltdown."  But I told her that a bad day does not equal wasting any previous effort; she still has those skills, knowledge, and life experience.

The last time I was really cussed out was two Christmas's ago.  My kid did something incredibly dumb and it was a path that would lead to her being arrested.  I told her to abort mission, but she was obsessed and couldn't hear me.  Instead, she labeled me as the enemy and it was scorched Earth for a couple of weeks.

Her plans completely fell through though, she didn't get what she wanted, and was left heartbroken.  Guess who she called?

Remember that BPD's will often say the most hurtful thing possible when they're dysregulated.  Being a parent means letting that go, and understanding that there will be times when we're going to have to love them from a distance.  We all have to accept that and avoid fighting against these narratives.

Why?  Your daughter asked you for advice, you provided it, and got painted black.  In her mind while dysregulated, it was justified.  But instead of letting it be, you called the next day and tried to fix things...which told her dysregulated mind that mom was definitely wrong and now she's trying to manipulate her way back into my life.

You can't win that fight, and it's not about you anyway, so choose to disengage and let her carve her own path.

There's another option here as well.  Stop paying her rent and utilities.  From her point of view, if you're toxic and need to be cut out of her life, so be it.  Don't reward her for bad behavior though; let her figure things out on her own if that's what she wants.  Make her decide how to live in this world and how much/how little she needs her mom.

It's so incredibly important- if you want mom's help, then you'll treat mom with respect.  It's the least she can do.

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I can relate to your spot. My D has cut me out too at the moment. I think Pook’s statement about calling the next day is so right on. In DBT they say that’s positively reinforcing negative behavior. Meaning, it kind of implies it’s ok for her to treat you as she did when you seek her out.

I for sure don’t have all the answers! I ask a lot of questions here.  I also get blamed for everything, and have stopped trying to fix situations like that, knowing they don’t think as we do. I feel for you! I’ve been cut off dozens of times in the last 3 months so maybe I’m numb to it. I’m just trying to recharge in the quiet now. It likely won’t last. Hang in there!

[kells76]

Hi Josie C;

How have the last few days been for you?

Has D30 stayed in touch with her dad?

What have you been able to do for yourself lately, even if just for a few minutes?

...

While my H's kids don't have BPD (their mom, however, has many traits), they are 17 and 19 with some challenging parts of their personalities. Typically we would have been together last weekend, but SD19 was out of town and SD17, even though the parenting plan still applies to her, went to visit SD19 with Stepdad's girlfriend, instead of spending the weekend with us.

In the past, I would've been spun up about that, worried about missing time with the kids, would've nagged H to come up with a makeup time plan, etc.

This time, I just enjoyed the break  I knew I wasn't in a great place emotionally anyway (for other reasons), so it was... nice, not having to stepparent while overwhelmed.

I wonder if despite grieving the absence of your D30, there could be moments where you let your nervous system have a break? That can move you back towards a baseline, and once you're back at an emotional baseline, maybe the path forward will become more clear than it is now.

[Josie C]

Thanks to everyone who replied; there was wisdom in each response and I’ve had much to think about. 

A little backstory: six months ago, my DD was in a dark place, needed a lot of emotional support, was feeling unloved and suicidal.  She said I didn’t care enough and doubted I could call her every day for a month.  Well, I stupidly thought, challenge accepted.  Fairly soon after, I realized the trap I’d gotten into.  And yet…talking every day had a lot of positives to it and I figured that once she got back to baseline and found a job, these daily calls would fade. And I have to admit it was nice to say ‘I talk with my daughter every day’ -  even though often the chats were unpleasant for me, there was always the opportunity to practice validating and use my dbt skills.  Until a few weeks ago when she cut me off, we were still talking every day.

I knew this wasn’t sustainable nor helpful.  I just didn’t know how to escape it.
My husband was gladly encouraging me make these daily calls—why not?—it eased him of a lot of worry. He’s gentle, non-confrontational, and desperately wants things to be calm. 

So I continued to call.  And it all blew up, which it was bound to do. And you all very clearly saw what I was blind to in the moment.

It seems to me that your daughter feels deep shame, and that the intensity of her reaction reflects the seriousness of what she did. In fact, she could be upset because she broke a streak of better behavior/choices too. She could be pushing you away to avoid your judgment, and to punish you while also punishing herself.

This made so much sense!!  In fact, when she first called I could hear the fear and shame in her voice.  But once she had me, she quickly projected the shame to anger and blame towards me. 

 

Remember that BPD's will often say the most hurtful thing possible when they're dysregulated.  Being a parent means letting that go, and understanding that there will be times when we're going to have to love them from a distance.

“Love them from a distance.” I love this.

Your responses helped me explain the dynamic to my husband. He’s a great partner and parent but he doesn’t grasp how much this tears me apart and affects my health. He disagreed with my decision to stop contacting her. Your posts gave me strength and words to express myself.  He has since taken it upon himself to text her occasionally, asking if she wants to meet at the gym.  She responds with a respectful ‘no, maybe another day’ which is more than okay for now.

I’ve been using this time to get prepared for when she chooses to reach out.  This break is giving me time to reset and find my compassion - for myself and my dd.  I’m also working on getting out of the FOG, some self-validation (hard!), and sorting through what I can contribute to the relationship repair.  Trying to focus on the fact that all I can change is me.

[CC43]

Hi Josie,

I'm glad to see you're taking this hiatus pretty well.  Look, my BPD stepdaughter would act just like yours:  she'd mess up (royally), lash out, blame her dad, throw a tantrum and then cut off contact in "retribution."  Her dad (my husband) would be so scared, anguished and hurt by her reaction that he'd either run after her or call/text repeatedly, basically sending apologetic inquiries and "begging" for a reply.  Though I understand the impulse, I think it was counterproductive.  Why?  Because when her dad apologized and begged, my BPD stepdaughter felt that she was justified in lashing out in anger, and that her original transgression wasn't her fault at all.  She was manipulative, and I bet that she perversely enjoyed getting those texts, thinking, "See, he's feeling guilty, because he's WRONG!  I'll show him, he's going to be SORRY he ever did this to me . . ."  I think the more he "begged" her to resume contact, the more he validated her poor decision-making and subsequent outbursts, and the further he pushed her away.  Since deep down she knew she acted poorly, she did feel shame and wanted to avoid judgment, and what better way to do that than to place blame on Dad and make him suffer with worry and estrangement?  Over time, I had to advise my husband:  "Please, don't beg her to come back, you're encouraging her to treat you badly."  "Don't worry, she'll be back when she's ready."  "I know it hurts, but she's an adult, she needs to learn deal with her issues in a healthier way."  "She needs a time out.  Don't interrupt it."  Sometimes, having patience is difficult, because you are wracked with worry and guilt.  But if you're patient, you might start to see the pattern.  She messes up, she lashes out, she retreats in shame, she takes time to cool off, and then she reaches out again.  I'd say, take a break from the drama to focus on you, and model what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes having fun and not worrying too much about things you can't control.