Protecting my right not to know. What do you think?

[JsMom]

This feels unnatural because as parents we love sharing life with our kids and we love being involved and hearing about their lives. What I keep coming up against with my son who has bpd is that sometimes knowing details is distressing for me. Actually often it is. It has been this way for most of his life. Maybe because he now has a stable job, and I see it gives him some stability - I think he will build on it and make wise and healthy decisions. The thing is, I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster of stressing and worrying about his actions, and choices. I feel like I need to back off and not be curious about how things are going for him. I need to protect my right not to knoIt w. That hurts and it sucks when you love your child but honestly,  I don't know of another way. Do any of  you?
I've spent some time visiting him lately and I see him exhausted from lack of sleep- studying to renew his real estate license when he already has a very good full-time job and side work in his trade on weekends.  He tells me how little sleep he gets or that he hasn't eaten all day.??? I feel like he's making sure I stay hooked in. I think his longterm relationship with his girlfriend ended and he's filling up all his free time. I see bill (late notices) stacked on his counter. Yet his house is clean, laundry done... It makes my head spin. I feel I need to set a boundary for myself of not letting myself know too much about what's going on in his life. The thing also is, when I know - I want  to help, advise and rescue because I'm a mess worrying. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think that moms are programmed to worry about their kids . . . it's like your caring goes into overdrive.  As kids grow up, you're always on the lookout for danger and try to steer them away from harm.  But honestly, I think that kids learn best from making mistakes . . . provided that they are mistakes that are age-appropriate.

As for your middle-aged son, I think he's old enough to handle his schedule, bills and activities calendar.  In reading your post, you say you're concerned that your son hasn't slept or eaten well.  While I understand you're concerned, I think you should keep it to yourself.  I can attest that when I was working, it was not uncommon for me to get by on two or three hours of sleep from time to time, because I was busy!  And sometimes I didn't eat as well as I should have.  But I learned that for me, skipping a meal is too hard on my system, which is why I snacks on hand (such as apples and nuts).  As for lacking sleep, I made a point to try to catch up on weekends.  My routine is to deal with mail once per week, on Sunday late afternoons, because processing mail every day seems inefficient and burdensome for me.  But I'll tell you, absolutely nobody cares about this routine except for me.  My schedule works (more or less) for me.  I'd say, trust your son to handle it.

I imagine that for you, it's not so much an issue about knowing too much, but rather one of making negative assumptions about your son's capabilities.  Of course, your son probably has a long track record of dysfunction to substantiate your concerns.  Yet sometimes I think, you might be projecting your worries too much, and your son might be absorbing them.  Basically, you assume he's going to have trouble, and he might detect that.  It could become a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Your son might think, well Mom thinks I'm incapable, so might as well believe her.  He starts to doubt himself, and he goes downhill from there.

I would suggest that you try a mind-shift.  You assume that your son is doing OK.  It sounds to me like he is--he's working, he's studying, he has housing.  Maybe his priorities aren't exactly the same as yours, and maybe his pace of life isn't what you'd prefer.  But just assume it's working for him.  It sounds to me like it is.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.

I know, you're thinking, he might falter, he might regress.  I'll tell you, that's almost a certainty!  He's going to falter, he's going to make mistakes.  The thing is though, real progress will be seeing him handle his problems on his own.  He'll get off track, but he'll recover and get back on track sooner and better than he did before.  That's what I'd be looking for if I were in your shoes.  And then I'd lay on the praise:  I'm really proud of you for overcoming that obstacle, you're actually doing great.  That's a much more positive narrative.

I probably wrote earlier that my mantra is, It's not time to worry yet.  I invoke that mantra when I'm thinking about possible outcomes, but then realize that I'm being too negative because nothing bad has even happened yet.

[Notwendy]

I think this is a boundary issue. I know it's hard to step back, because he does have issues but - he is an adult and he is legally competent- in the sense that he is responsible for making his own decisions, in the legal sense. This means he can choose what information to share and what not to share.

For boundaries- one is his body. He's responsible for what he eats, whether or not he sleeps, his medical decisions. Nobody besides him has the right to that information or to decide for him.

The other is his job, his money, his studies. For example- in the US, a parent can not get any academic information from the college without their child's consent, even if the parents are paying tuition. After college, parents don't have access to an adult child's employment situation or their financial information.

I had a similar situation when my parents got older- and the relationship shifts to where they might lean more on adult children. Still they remained legally competent to make decisions for themselves. BPD mother chose to keep her finances private from us.

BPD mother didn't eat right but when it got to being a medical need for her in her elder years, she agreed to take the nutrition drinks as supplements. She mismanaged her money until it got to the point where she couldn't do that. I tried to intervene- even consulting social services and an attorney and the reponse was- "your parents are legally competent to make their own decisions (even the ones we think are bad ones)" and their business only. I know you are worried about your son, and I was worried about my parents but they had the legal right to their own autonomy. Your son does too.

So you aren't doing anything wrong by pulling back and not knowing so much. It's the natural boundary with an adult child and other adult family members. You can redirect your focus now to your own needs. You don't need to state this boundary, in fact, better to not say it at all. When you are speaking to him, ask less about his personal business. If he calls to overshare- respond with affirming statements. "I understand your stress over this but I trust in your ability to handle it" (even if you fear he can't) rather than trying to fix the issue.

[JsMom]

Thank you CC43 and NotWendy,
Both of your replies have been good for me.  I will be rereading them. I know my thinking is off in in the area concerning my oldest son. Yes, there has been many years of reckless and dangerous choices that color my thinking  now. The truth is, the older he has gotten, the more responsible and less reckless he's become. I don't comment to him about my fears, or bring up his bills, or eating or sleeping.  He's sensitive and can probably pick up on my concern though. I do let him know how proud I am of him for what he's accomplished. I'm glad you shared about the sleeping and eating CC. My guess is you didn't bring them up to others looking for sympathy. 
What I've shared with you all is my internal work and perception that I'm working on being more healthy.  I value healthy perspectives.