The journey continues

[CC43]

The other day I was thinking about posting an update that would have been a bit of a rant. My adult BPD stepdaughter was basically kicked out of my home around a year ago because she wasn’t working on herself while living with us for free. Since she left my home, she has been mostly estranged from her dad and me, though she had temporarily broken the estrangement when she needed help, such as help with her car, moving and money. But as soon as she got what she wanted, we were re-shunned. Yet we have kept tabs on her through her therapist.

Anyway, I’ve generally thought that getting kicked out was what was best for everyone.  I think my stepdaughter has been doing OK since then, as she got a temporary job (finally) and has been supporting herself, sort of, with less financial assistance.

However, a while back I got upset with her for breaking my trust. She was being sneaky and disrespectful behind my back, and she got upset only because she was caught. I won’t get into specifics, but I’m sad that she’s still pulling stunts like a young teenager, which feels like a step backwards.

But now getting to the current situation. My stepdaughter recently started a new job, the first « career » job and full-time situation ever. Though I personally don’t love the set-up (eg work from home, no benefits, no real company infrastructure), I know she was enthusiastic about it, and honestly that’s a miracle. From the job description I found online, it doesn’t appear to be a very demanding job—in line with receptionist plus routine office duties. I think it’s a good starter role for her actually. And yet, she is completely overwhelmed, so much that she has broken her estrangement from various family members. She has been calling a relative almost daily to vent about the stress with her new job and living situation, and to ask for money. Fortunately, the family member has been extremely supportive and calmed her down, encouraging her to focus, stay on task and not quit. But the relative is concerned that my stepdaughter seems so unhinged and unable to handle any stress.

I guess the good news ids that my stepdaughter finally reached out to her dad to talk about her job stress. They hadn’t spoken in months. And the conversation stayed in the present—she didn’t dredge up past grievances or lash out in hatred. She seemed to listen to her dad’s advice about dealing with new job jitters. Maybe if she can just take things day by day, she’ll be able to hang on and realize she can do it. Fingers crossed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. The other is that- your husband, is her father, and he will naturally have the instinct to protect and care for her, and so holding the line between caring and enabling will likely be a challenge for him.

You have done a lot of work on this situation and have a clearer vision. While you do care for your SD, you may not have the same family dynamics or tendencies as her immediate family members do. So you may see some of the pittfals before your H and others do.

I also, having experienced the limitations my own mother had with BPD, feel there's a balance somewhere between what they are capable of doing and our expectations. My own wish is that pwBPD could have access to supported job training but we are not at the point where this is recognized as a need.

So while your SD's job may not be ideal- or considered a major achievement for someone her age who doesn't have BPD- a lower stress job may be a better fit for her, and seeing that she's overwhelmed when starting is confirmation that this may be all she can handle for now, and hopefully it is.

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.

[CC43]

Spot on Notwendy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

[Pook075]

I've nocited that about my BPD daughter as well; when I'm at a distance, I'm the enemy who has wronged her, done terrible things, etc.  She told her mom a few months ago that we don't speak at all anymore.  And that's true in a way; we hadn't talked.  Not because we were on bad terms or anything- I'm just halfway around the world and we're 12 time zones apart.

Last month, I flew back to the US and bought a house- my wife and I should be able to move back soon.  We had a final embassy interview for my wife's green card that got rescheduled, but we're hopeful that we'll complete that soon.  Maybe we'll be back by Thanksgiving or Christmas?  That's our hope anyway.

Anyway, I told my BPD kid that I was coming home for a few weeks and she started calling/messaging regularly.  She visited me on day one and called almost every single day, plus came over several times to help paint or whatever the house needed.  She was helpful, considerate, and pleasant to be around. 

Yet other family members were kind of shocked- you visited your dad?  I thought you didn't speak anymore.

I realize now that this will be a pattern for the rest of my life.  Sometimes we'll be close, sometimes we'll be perceived enemies.  I can't play into that though or allow it to bother me- I need to be the same regardless of the "chatter" I get from others.  I love my kid and want what's best for her.  Whatever she says or does when we're apart has nothing to do with me- I've learned to accept that and things are much smoother these days.

[Notwendy]

I found the oppostite with my BPD mother. At a distance, we got along better. Whenever she visited, or vice versa, she would somehow seem helpless, and have me do things for her. Being the parent, she had the upper hand and I would have to "obey your mother".

In her elder years, when I visited, the entire visit would consist of me doing things for her, running errands for her. This arrangement was "normalized" because she did need the help and ethics, culture, expects one to help an elderly parent.

I didn't mind helping during these visits as it they were only for a visit except that, somehow she'd find something I did or didnt do that she was upset about. I would not react to that but it's hard to not have emotions about it. It would have been difficult to be living near her and experience this frequently.

Pook, I wonder if the relocation would change the situation from a visit to being closer all the time. Time will tell on this one.

As to the workforce. I did have a short term mentor situation with a young woman who had BPD (this was not the friend's child). This was a more objective situation than family or friend. To her credit, she disclosed that she had BPD and I told her I knew what that was.  She was bright and capable, but emotionally experienced a lot of performance anxiety and needed a lot of reassurance. I had noticed the same thing with my BPD mother when she did a task, and this explains why she'd get family into a situation to do the tasks for her instead.

Working with her took a lot of emotional energy, extra time, and it was emotionally taxing at times. It was sheer coincidence that we were paired together. This is one reason I wish there was supportive employment training for pwBPD.

I mention this because I think we see a person with BPD as being capable of doing tasks, but the emotional aspect for them may not be as clear. Also, since BPD affects the closest relationships the most, they are more apt to act out with family. Since I was not in that position with this person, it took any personal interactions out of the equation, but she still had her own internal emotional struggles. Hope this observation is helpful if one's child is struggling at what may seem like a doable job task for them.

[Pook075]

Pook, I wonder if the relocation would change the situation from a visit to being closer all the time. Time will tell on this one.

I've wondered that too.  I've been away for almost 2.5 years now, so maybe that's why things went so smooth.  Maybe that changes once I'm back permanently. 

I've learned to take what I can get though and be thankful for the good times.

[Notwendy]

I've learned to take what I can get though and be thankful for the good times.

Yes, exactly- and that ability to be closer and yet, step back from drama will help.

Since BPD affects the closest relationships the most, it is possible your BPD D may react to your being geographically closer. It doesn't seem fair that the family who cares the most is the one to experience the behaviors the most-but that is the nature of the disorder.

Family is on this "front line" of emotion, because we are the most secure attachment for them. This does not mean we have to tolerate hurtful behavior but it helps to know it's not all "personal" to us- as it's the nature of the relationship that is the reason for it. Still, BPD affects all relationships in some way so the ones that look "better" may not actually be better, just different.

You have the tools Pook, and so know how to navigate any changes when you move closer.

[CC43]

It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. . . .

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.

Indeed that sums up the current situation pretty well.  On the professional front, my stepdaugher needs lots and lots of patient training, reassurance, praise, guidance and hand-holding.  Alas, I think she skipped some years of lower-stakes, slower-paced internships, and so she lacks practice in basic job survival skills:  arriving early and prepared, taking careful notes, knowing how to focus, knowing how to receive coaching/corrections/feedback, prioritizing, clear communication, double-checking work, staying positive/enthusiastic, pitching in, being generally helpful, and sometimes, working late to catch up if needed.  I think one of her big issues is that she's older now, and so her employer expects her to be more advanced than she really is.  Part of the issue could relate to my stepdaughter's overselling of her prior work accomplishments, but hey, her current job isn't a highly skilled one and wouldn't require a college degree.  Yet I think intellectually, she's still in "student" mode, i.e. expecting to be taught and shown everything, sometimes multiple times, rather than to be more autonomous and figure out some things by herself.  She complained that a colleague stated, "You should be getting this by now."  Emotionally, she's still probably at a teen's level, getting too upset over constructive criticism, having trouble enduring a fast pace for eight hours a day, and constantly doubting herself, which is interfering with her ability to stay on task.  I mean, where is she getting the time to call up her relative in the middle of the workday to vent about all the work she has to get done?

As for Pook's point about his daughter's sudden desire to reconnect when moving geographically close to her again . . . that has happened to me too.  However, in my situation, the sudden interest in reconnection and visitation feels much more like a scouting trip to me, in line with the "needs-based" and "transactional" nature of our relationship most of the time.  In other words, visiting and reconnecting feels like my pwBPD is scoping out future living quarters, staking claims to "her" room, confirming a free storage facility, and confirming that the parental cash flow is still ample and able to be channeled her way.  She wants a key to my home, she wants the code to the garage, and she wants to know when we're on vacation.  I think it's part of her "entitled" view that my house is her house.  The second we leave on vacation, she's going to crash and "play house" in my home (even though she has her own apartment), but she's not going to inform us, let alone ask permission.  With a "normal" and responsible person, I wouldn't mind it so much, but with her, it just always feels like I'm providing free hotel / storage / laundry / pantry service, but with no hotel fees, reservations or contributions with general upkeep, let alone replacing the things she consumes, let alone attending to basic home care like taking out her trash.  I dislike the entitlement and general sneakiness, too. 

Her siblings will visit and live with us from time to time, but their visits don't feel transactional.  Even if they don't help out with any home chores, they are generally respectful (especially my stepson) and fun to be around.  I'm just saying this because I don't think this is a "me" issue as much as a BPD one.

Anyway, another work week has commenced.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I've told my husband, it's normal to feel stressed out about a new job.  What's not normal is to quit on the spot without having another job lined up first.  Alas, my stepdaughter has quit numerous jobs in the first few days.  My hope is that she can hang on for three months.  I told myself I'd be impressed if she could last that long.  Even if she does quit or get fired, I'd see it as a step in the right direction, because it's her first full-time job that she selected for herself all by herself.  She can learn a lot from it.  At the very least, she can add it to her resume.

Pook, welcome home.  The paperwork will get done, all you need is patience and persistence, as I'm sure you already know.