graduation update

[hopefulbpdmom]

 
my youngest had her graduation last night. the oldest (BPD) unblocked me on her phone but would not communicate with me directly. she didn't sit with us but told my husband she was just following her brother to their seats. she also told my husband that she would be glad to meet us for ice cream after dinner but it was up to the younger kid, who she claimed had set the boundaries of a separate dinner. all of this is fine. I was fully prepared to not interact or interact neutrally and minimally to not give her the platform she has clearly been building for this special event. somehow, my husband missed all of this and ended up feeling sad/bad about the separation and ultimately blamed me. he has his own ptsd issues, primarily dumping big emotions he can't face onto me. so the difficulty of the evening became about him. he had no consideration for the deep psychological pain it caused me (he is not the elder's bio dad) and instead made it pretty clear the division is my fault and I need to give bpd kid "more love." we were having dinner and I would see the younger's location, so he bullied me into going over to say hi and just "see what happens." both daughters were visibly annoyed and distant, but my son hugged me. it was a total ruin and I'm so disappointed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

Growing up in my family, before I understood BPD and family dynamics, I thought BPD mother was the one with the problem, and that somehow, my father was a victim of her behavior.

This wasn't the case. When one family member has a disorder, other family members take on behaviors in response to that, and that can keep the family in a sort of balance, even if the behaviors are dysfunctional. Learning about the Karpman triangle dynamics helped understand one of these patterns.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Family patterns can be arranged in different forms of the triangle. In my family, my father was mostly in rescuer/enabler role. BPD mother was in victim perspective- perceiving herself a the victim in the scenarios. I think this is the perspective that a person with BPD has.

The triangle can be configured with different family members and while the pwBPD sees themselves as victim, other members can be either rescuers or persecutors, and also to each other with different members in one of all three roles. A main point is that all three roles are dysfunctional.

fBPD mother was upset by anyone or anything- Dad took on the role of rescuer, to her side, against anyone who she felt upset her- even if it wasn't the fault of the person she was upset with. Dad was not a passive victim of BPD mother's behavior, he was a part of the dynamic between the two of them.

So yes, it is upsetting to have a trusted family member turn on you like that. Although it's upsetting, it may give you clarity to step back and see this as a dynamic in your family. Sometimes these dynamics are automatic and even learned through growing up with dysfunction and can feel "normal" behavior to the person.

Here is the actual secret to being in rescuer mode. The person in rescuer mode is actually rescuing themselves from their own emotional anxiety when they do that. Anxiety over the pwBPD's emotional distress, and wanting to over fix things. It's not actually helping.

Would you and your H be open to marital counseling? Because the two of you need to be on the same page over your BPD-D and even though she's the one with the disorder, it is affecting your relationship.

Where your H crossed the line was that he was feeling anxious over the kids having dinner alone. Dad felt in victim perspective (these dynamics aren't just with pwBPD- others do this too). He blamed you, then he crossed the kids' boundaries- presumably in rescuer position to them- but also to himself. The kids reacted appropriately to their boundary being crossed.

Rather than to jump into "H was wrong" I would say "H is following a behavior pattern that is "right" to him. We do what we know how to do- so take away the right wrong thinking and look at the bigger picture- all family members have adopted disordered behavior patterns.

While the focus is on your BPD-D- turn it to you and your H- counseling will help you gain insight into your roles in this dynamic so hopefully you can learn more functional ones- together. You and your H need to get on the same page when it comes to the kids- and this is a path to take to get to that.

[CC43]

Hi Hopeful,

I agree with Notwendy's comment about a family dynamic where people fill different roles, to keep the peace or maintain the familiar status quo.

I have a slightly different take on the graduation.  It's possible that your BPD daughter was role playing, trying to look like the reasonable one, while making you out to be the villian.  She expected you to forget how she acted in the lead-up to the event.  Maybe she was putting on a little show in front of other family members, in an attempt to make you look and feel bad.  In the process she enlists some "allies" in the family--siblings, stepdad.  Even so, I would have done what you did--keep things cool, go with the flow, try not to look hurt by daughter's blocking/unblocking and organizing a separate graduation event that excluded parents.

By the way, the pwBPD in my life will appear to "pull herself together" for things she wants to do, and to others who don't know what she's been up to, she can appear to be "normal."  What's amazing to me is her ability to wield a temporary magic eraser, and wipe the slate clean, when hours earlier, she was a total mess and/or behaving badly.  An example would be spending days in the hospital after a violent, total meltdown and suicide attempt, and then the day after release, wanting to go on a trip, while pretending that everything has snapped back to normal.  Sometimes, other family members will proffer a revisionist history ("She didn't mean it, she was upset, she said she wouldn't do it again"), which might make them feel good as they minimize the dysfunction and their own anxiety, while they live in denial about the pwBPD's real issues.  Other times, family members might have their own form of PTSD, and be living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds their judgment.  They too operate in survival mode, just trying to keep the peace.  Basically, they've learned to do whatever the pwBPD wants, because there will be hell to pay if they don't.  Yet that doesn't stop the pwBPD from being conniving, convincing others that what she wants was somebody else's idea (e.g. to have a sibling-only dinner to celebrate graduation).

I totally get where you're coming from, in feeling that BPD is straining your relationship with your spouse.  I have the same issue.  For me, the primary souce of strain is the general chaos (emotional, logistical, financial) that BPD causes.  But there's a secondary reason, which is that my spouse tends to take his stress out on me.  Mostly this looks like trying to control me, and I think it's because he feels so out of control when dealing with his adult BPD daughter.  There's some blaming from time to time as well--for example, he'll say his daughter doesn't feel welcome in our home because of me.  But there's a third reason for marital strain, which is that we often don't see eye-to-eye on how to handle BPD behaviors.  This is for different reasons, and I'll share some of my thoughts here:

--My husband pays a lot of attention to mood, whereas I tend to look for actions.  So if my BPD stepdaughter is in a nasty mood most of the time but gets up in the morning and is generally doing what she's supposed to be doing, such as attending college classes, then I'm OK with that.  But my husband would rather see her happy, even if she sleeps all day and uses marijuana.

--Obviously neither of us wants to see BPD daughter suffer, but I think that some "suffering," as in temporary setbacks and discomfort, are necessary for learning and adulting.  My husband is more of a "snowplow" parent and tries to remove challenges for his daughter.  I'm a believer in natural consequences, while he's a believer in minimizing stress for his daughter.  There's a balance there.  This is about understanding the line between supporting and enabling, and it's a tough line to draw.  I also think that the line needs to move sometimes.  Support vs. enablement at age 19 looks different at age 23 and at age 27.

--Much of the marital stress emerges when adult BPD daughter is living with us, which has happened on and off over the span of several years.  In the vast majority of that time, my adult BPD stepdaughter has not been studying, working or helping out one bit in the household.  I just think it's not acceptable to provide room and board for an adult who has zero resposibilities, less than what a normal kindergartener would have!  It's not fair to the other family members (including siblings) who are contributing, and it's not good for the pwBPD in my opinion, because it feeds into her feelings of worthlessness and alienation.  If she doesn't contribute anything at home, and she's not doing anything other than sleeping and consuming entertainment on screens, how can she possibly feel like part of the family?  How can she feel good about life if she's rotting in bed and being mean to the family?  After a few weeks of this life, my pwBPD would feel worthless and hopeless, and she'd lash out.  However my husband wouldn't enforce house rules.  He'd say, She's an adult, I can't force her to do anything.  What do you want me to do, assault her?  (Note the black-and-white, extreme thinking in my husband there.)  And I'd say, Why do you frame a relationship with daughter in terms of assault?  Of course you can have some house rules while she's living under our roof.  She should be working on herself full-time (through some combination of therapy, study and work), act respectfully and help us out around the house, just like we do, every day.  Then he'd say, She won't do that, and what do you want me to do, kick her out and let her live on the street?  (Black-and-white thinking again, tinged with fear and obligation.)

Anyway, the issues are complex and long-term.  The way I've gotten through this with BPD stepdaughter is knowing that she has taken therapy seriously.  Her life today looks much healthier than it did in her early 20s.  While she still struggles, especially with interpersonal relationships, she's not attempting suicide anymore, and she's not lashing out nearly as much as she used to.  As for my husband, I have dealt with many disagreements, blaming and controlling behavior because underneath it all is someone who truly loves his daughter.  He has gone above and beyond to try to help her.  It's just that, with BPD, conventional help doesn't seem to work.  He is a great dad though.  He tries, and he doesn't give up.  I guess I'm saying that I can agree to disagree over how to deal with BPD daughter because it's so complicated, but we're both coming from a place of love.  I just have more of a tough love approach, maybe because I'm not as deep into the FOG as my husband is.