Feeling lost and depressed

[dlunalouise@gmail.com]

My DIL was diagnosed with bpd. She is married to my son. My son, dil, 4 yr old granddaughter and 2 yr old grandson have lived with me since my granddaughter was born ( 4 years) for financial reasons. My son is continually looking for a better financially paying job, but in the meantime, they live with me. My dil is very moody, continuously upset with me, leaves dishes with food in the sink for sometimes two days ( where there is no room for me to do my own cooking or dishes). My relationship with my son and grandchildren means everything to me, so I don’t complain, I help clean when it gets too unbearable. I feel like I have no control over my home or life. Not sure what to do. I don’t want to kick them out of my house until they can financially afford it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi dlunalouise and welcome.

My DD with BPD and her daughter live with me so my situation is a little bit similar. I have to say straight off that I think you are amazing and you clearly love your son and grandchildren deeply.

It is a huge dilemma – one that I grapple with all the time over many years. Yes we do have options and one of them is to say ‘Move out’ – but when you can see clearly the consequences of that, it is not so simple to choose that option.

It does seem that to make it possible for our loved ones to have basic things such as a roof over their heads etc, we can end up feeling ‘dispossessed’ ourselves and that we have no control over our own lives – very real reasons for feeling depressed and that sense of having no way forward.

Can I ask whether you are working yourself? I had retired, but this year I found work for 3 days a week. I find that this – although tiring for me – is a way to get out of the house and be with other people.

I struggled for a long time re the state of the house etc and DD’s inability to get into any sort of routine etc. I kept trying to make this happen but to no avail. In the long run I found that rethinking things was a big help.
 
I love a clean and tidy house, but I find it easier to let go of that and have a different mental approach ie I don’t try to keep it all under my control, but I do things as they need it. This is my house but I think of it as living in a 'share' house. I have set up my room so that I can relax there and follow my interests. The rest of the house can get pretty chaotic at times!

You don’t say whether or not your DIL copes well with the children– that would be another huge stress for you if not!

The key for me has been letting go of lots of ways of thinking and seeing my life as ‘beside’ my DD’s. I find it hard to keep up with friends but I make sure I phone them etc and also have interests that I can follow – when I feel overwhelmed with my situation and how it can change, I find I can now ‘switch’ my mind to something that interests me and explore that for a while.

I think it is possible to see your life as separate to your family even when they are under the same roof and they ‘take over’ the space that is your home. I feel ‘free’ even though the demands of my DD and her daughter are very pretty big. Having work helps but I also try to take ‘time -out’ to just go for a short walk, stop on the way home to go to a café – I sometimes get a takeaway coffee and have it in the car while I have a phone catchup with a friend. I suppose I am trying to find my own ‘space’ wherever I can, and I find this help me cope with the situation.

I hope you are able to post again with more details of how things are for you.

[CC43]

Hi there,

It's wonderful that you're giving your son and his family some support as they try to navigate adult life together.  I completely understand how BPD behaviors in your home, practically 24/7, can really wear you down.

I've lived with my BPD stepdaughter, on and off, for most of her adult life.  Most of that time was extremely difficult for everyone.  Her general aura was very negative, she was a slob and she didn't help out one bit.  But worse than that, she was blaming her dad and me all the time, for things we had nothing to do with.  The constant fighting, passive-aggressiveness, rudeness and worry were draining.  But here's the thing.  Unlike my husband, I was bothered less by her negative MOOD and paid much more attention to her ACTIONS.  If felt that, as long as my stepdaughter was generally doing what she was supposed to be doing--waking up in the morning, taking care of her health and hygiene, attending to her commitments (e.g. online class, therapy sessions), not destroying property, etc.--I was generally OK.  I mean, I felt she could hate me as much as she wanted, she could be a sourpuss as much as she wanted, as long as she was working on herself and doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was living with me and I was providing for her.

As for the mess and general home invasion, that got on my nerves too.  But as long as it was only temporary, I could handle it.  I thought, this is just for now, and not forever, right?  A few dirty dishes, bacon splatter and dirty clothes strewn about, though annoying, isn't going to ruin my life, right?  One thing I found very helpful was to claim a space in my house all for myself.  You see, historically I didn't have any private space.  You know the drill, everyone has their own room, but my bedroom is shared, my closet is shared, my bathroom is shared, my garage space is shared, my fridge is shared, and everyone feels entitled to rummage through my stuff to find whatever they want whenever they want it.  I felt constantly invaded and had no privacy, even when I asked for it.  I couldn't keep any supplies, like pens, scissors, stamps, toiletries, chargers, batteries, tape, socks, etc.  So I claimed my privacy back.  I took over a room and made it my space--neat, clean, with a locked safe in the closet, and my own set of supplies that nobody could "borrow" (i.e. take) without asking me first.  Best of all, my space had a door, and so people had to think twice before barging in and asking me for something.  It was life changing for me, an oasis of calm, privacy and control.

Now another point, the notion that the situation was temporary.  I felt much, much better knowing there was an end date.  For your situation, it sounds like the end date is "whenever son gets a better job."  But maybe you need to increase his INCENTIVE to get moving, and not be so picky on his job search.  I mean, it sounds like he's getting an awesome deal right now:  he gets free room, board and babysitting.  While that's great for him, it doesn't sound so great for YOU.  And so you might consider talking with him.  You could say, I love you, and I have supported you as you get on your feet as a family, but as you know, this can't go on forever, it's been four years already.  I need you to find your own place by such-and-such date.  That gives you plenty of time to save up for first and last month's rent, plus some extra for furnishings and settling in.  (If you're feeling extra-generous, you might give them a nice housewarming gift when the time comes.)

He might say, he can't possibly afford an apartment.  Really?  He's a man with a wife and two kids now.  He needs to work more hours, get promoted, find another job, drive an Uber in his spare time, basically do whatever it takes.  HE decided to have two kids, not you.  HE is responsible for his life, not you.  My sense is that he won't really take responsibility if he's too comfortable having free housing / meal prep / maid service / babysitter.  I mean, it's been at least four years already, where you're the primary provider.  It sounds to me like that's not fair to you, because you feel like your home has been invaded and you're not very happy with the situation.  It really sounds to me like they are overstaying.  And so I think you need to reclaim some control.  Sure, it will be hard for your son, because it will probably mean downsizing his lifestyle--he'll have to work more hours, have less space or both.  But almost everyone young adult experiences that, and yet the major upside is feeling responsible, independent, worthy.  In the meantime, you reclaim your life.