my daughter called yesterday and said we should give up on having a relationship

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter, 34 was diagnosed with BPD at 18 after 3 serious suicide attempts in the prior 2 years.  We all went to dbt therapy and she sort of was better.  She is very bright and went to university after a break of 2 years and graduated.  She was working until last year, when she quit her job because she was depressed and her boss was making her suicidal.  She recently started looking for another job which is very stressful and she is still depressed.   
Her dad and I are traveling overseas and last week she said was thinking she wanted to visit us in Oct and Dec.  Unfortunately, I had had a bad morning dealing with some unexpected bills so I asked her if she was paying for one of the flights which caused a huge upset.  She is very last minute about plans and makes it very difficult to make arrangements because I don't necessarily have accommodations for her and it is unclear at least to me what she is planning until the last moment.  She said all other parents would be happy their kids wanted to spend time with them and that I was just so selfish and cold to her.  She said that I never help her and brings up things I did/said wrong from years ago and that her therapist said I am not empathetic or mothering.  I feel constantly on guard when I am around her.
I was going to therapy to deal with the emotional turmoil last year from when her dad told her to go home when she was yelling at me about past things and wouldn't stop.  (Not getting invited to her dad's cousin's kid's wedding that she hadn't seen in 10 years, letting them stay at my house when she wasn't invited to the wedding, me buying a vacuum even after she said it was stupid and other similar things.)  It was all my fault, I didn't care and she was never going to forgive me.  My therapist will only see me (even remotely) if I am in the same state, so I am not currently seeing them.  
Yesterday, my dwBPD called and said that she thought we should just give up on having a relationship because I don't realize how much pain I cause her.  She said she thought that me going to therapy would help but that I am never going to change and she just can't deal with all the pain that I continually cause.  
Usually we end up with me apologizing for the things she says I was wrong about and her not really accepting the apology since it comes out again the next time she is upset.  Then we muddle along again.  
A prior therapist said if I keep doing the same things why would I expect different results.  I just don't know what to do.  I do feel selfish when I'm not worrying about her and enjoy something.  
Sorry this is so long of a first post and thank you for reading.

[sad22]

My daughter, 34 was diagnosed with BPD at 18 after 3 serious suicide attempts in the prior 2 years.  We all went to dbt therapy and she sort of was better.  She is very bright and went to university after a break of 2 years and graduated.  She was working until last year, when she quit her job because she was depressed and her boss was making her suicidal.  She recently started looking for another job which is very stressful and she is still depressed.   
Her dad and I are traveling overseas and last week she said was thinking she wanted to visit us in Oct and Dec.  Unfortunately, I had had a bad morning dealing with some unexpected bills so I asked her if she was paying for one of the flights which caused a huge upset.  She is very last minute about plans and makes it very difficult to make arrangements because I don't necessarily have accommodations for her and it is unclear at least to me what she is planning until the last moment.  She said all other parents would be happy their kids wanted to spend time with them and that I was just so selfish and cold to her.  She said that I never help her and brings up things I did/said wrong from years ago and that her therapist said I am not empathetic or mothering.  I feel constantly on guard when I am around her.
I was going to therapy to deal with the emotional turmoil last year from when her dad told her to go home when she was yelling at me about past things and wouldn't stop.  (Not getting invited to her dad's cousin's kid's wedding that she hadn't seen in 10 years, letting them stay at my house when she wasn't invited to the wedding, me buying a vacuum even after she said it was stupid and other similar things.)  It was all my fault, I didn't care and she was never going to forgive me.  My therapist will only see me (even remotely) if I am in the same state, so I am not currently seeing them.  
Yesterday, my dwBPD called and said that she thought we should just give up on having a relationship because I don't realize how much pain I cause her.  She said she thought that me going to therapy would help but that I am never going to change and she just can't deal with all the pain that I continually cause.  
Usually we end up with me apologizing for the things she says I was wrong about and her not really accepting the apology since it comes out again the next time she is upset.  Then we muddle along again.  
A prior therapist said if I keep doing the same things why would I expect different results.  I just don't know what to do.  I do feel selfish when I'm not worrying about her and enjoy something.  
Sorry this is so long of a first post and thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

Wow, does all this sound familiar, except that in my case it’s a sibling who doesn’t see a therapist. I am so very sorry for what you’ve been through and continue to go through.

I know that feeling of guilt for having times of peace and enjoyment.  Strangely, the less involvement I’ve had with my pwubpd, the more that feeling has gone away. I think it’s because of greater clarity about what I can and can’t do. And I’ve also played that game of talking to myself the way I’d talk to a friend experiencing the same thing. I’d never think they deserved that.

There are many posts here of people talking about estrangement. They usually say that they reach out with a card or some such on birthdays, holidays, etc. often the person comes back around but less frequently and with less intense involvement.

I think being a parent is a special situation that I haven’t experienced so I’ll stop there. Just sending support for you in this especially hard time.

[zachira]

Parents never get over the loss of a child even if the child is still alive. Allow yourself to grieve not being able to have a loving respectful relationship with your adult daughter.

[CC43]

She was working until last year, when she quit her job because she was depressed and her boss was making her suicidal.  She recently started looking for another job which is very stressful and she is still depressed.   
Her dad and I are traveling overseas and last week she said was thinking she wanted to visit us in Oct and Dec.  . . . I asked her if she was paying for one of the flights which caused a huge upset.

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.  From the sound of things, you've been dealing with your daughter's BPD for an extended time.  If you've come here in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you're in good company.

By now you're probably used to your daughter's routine of lashing out at you, blaming you for all her troubles and dredging up negative memories from childhood, over and over again, no matter how much you've tried to explain or apologize.  That's all classic BPD.  Nevertheless, I see some positive things here:  your daughter is smart, she managed to graduate, she's held a job and functioned independently for quite some time, probably thanks to all the support you've provided her over the years.  What I see is that the resurgence of acting out, blaming and threatening to cut you off comes down to your daughter's stress levels right now.  She's having to face reality:  she quit her job without having another one lined up.  She's been unemployed for several months.  And now she's forced to look for a job.  The prospect of doing that has her stressed out, cash-strapped and worried about the future.  Instead of accepting reality, looking forward, focusing on her job search and sticking to a budget, what does she do?  She focuses on the past and lashes out at you.  She doesn't want to take responsibility for her current predicament and tries to blame you instead.  My observation is that the more a pwBPD is worried about the future, the farther back in the archive of negative childhood experiences she looks!  In my opinion, this is an AVOIDANCE tactic.  The thought of dealing with real life is just too stressful, and so the pwBPD takes "refuge" in the tiresome routine of lashing out at parents, in the hopes that parents feel so guilty and scared for their adult child that they pull out the checkbook or otherwise rescue the kid--with free housing, logistical support, administrative support, cash, whatever.  The parent might think, with this last bit of support, the pwBPD might stabilize and actually appreciate it.  Maybe that's true.  But if the "rescue" enables your BPD daughter to give up on herself and her life, while blaming you for her predicament, then probably not.  There's a fine line between support and enablement which parents here often have trouble establishing.

It seems to me that though your daughter has made major strides, she hasn't really grown up yet and accepted responsibility for her life.  What I see is someone who has unrealistic expectations of her parents (and probably all the people around her).  She probably expects you to pay for her travel; she resents the fact that YOU seem able to travel abroad and will throw that in your face.  She treats your home like a free hotel, but if you ask her to make "reservations," she balks.  And yes, I'm very accustomed to the pwBPD's apparent inability to commit to anything.  The reality is, she has NO IDEA what she'll be doing in October or December; she just wants you to be available, no matter the inconvenience to you.  After all, she only thinks about her needs; the second you mention YOUR needs, it seems unfair to her, and she'll accuse you of being selfish (how ironic!).  Does that sound about right?  I think that's classic BPD:  entitlement, projecting and blaming, as well as giving outlet to pent-up frustrations, vindictiveness and cluelessness.

I guess I'm saying that if you understand where all this vitriol is coming from, you might not take things as personally, hard though that might be in practice.  But what I see is that you are probably doing GREAT.  Your daughter has managed to carve out an independent life for herself, even if she struggles immensely.  You're still in her life, even if it's to act as a pincushion.  I'd say, you need to keep your boundaries strong.  If you daughter lashes out, I'd recommend giving her an "adult time out," as in time and space to calm down.  You can make up an anodyne excuse ("I need to use the bathroom; Gotta run now"). 

[sad22]

Thanks for understanding.  The thing about her current therapist saying I wasn't very mothering or empathetic really bothers me.  A friend said that that probably wasn't exactly what the therapist said; it was what my daughter heard.  Early on, she was in treatment and one of the therapists did say in front of her, that if we weren't more validating, she wouldn't get better and it was our fault.  She used that as a stick to beat us up for years. 

[CC43]

Hi again,

My humble opinion is that if you weren't empathetic, you wouldn't be here at all.  I think it's the opposite:  you care very much, almost too much.  You can't stand to see your daughter struggle, and not being able to fix her life for her, to ease her burdens, to have a normal mother-daughter relationship, makes you incredibly sad.  Here's some proof:  your screenname is Sad.  While it's true that you're struggling with the emotional turmoil your daughter puts you through, and it hurts to be her punching bag, I think that if you didn't have as much empathy, your username might be Mad, Resentful, Desperate or Just Done.  At any rate, you're not alone in feeling all these things.

My guess is that the therapist probably only listened to your daughter's version of events.  Based on my experience with BPD, the pwBPD's narrative tends to be distorted, often wildly so.  Your daughter might try to extract apologies and retribution from you for ruining her childhood, but it's never enough.  Her objective isn't to forgive, learn and move on; it's to unleash her inner turmoil onto you and hurt you in the process, to let you know what pain she's in.

Based on your short post, I'm convinced you can't be blamed for everything.  You stated your daughter quit her job because her boss was making her suicidal.  And then, the prospect of looking for another job makes your daughter depressed.  As you can see, these things have NOTHING to do with you or her childhood, and everything to do with your daughter's emotional instability, her negative attitude and struggles with handling daily stresses and disappointments.  Her go-to coping strategy is BLAMING.  She thinks the world is "making" her depressed and suicidal, which is easier to face than the truth:  it's mostly in her head.  That's why DBT and CBT can help with BPD, as opposed to traditional talk therapy or medications.

One of the mantras about BPD on this site is the three Cs:  you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  You are NOT responsible for another person's mental health struggle.  You can't force someone else to change or fix their choices, no matter how much you'd like to.  At the end of the day, your daughter is the one with the problem, but she's also the one with the solution.  If she's getting therapy and working on herself, that's a positive sign.