I thought I'd share about my son's life - maybe it'll help someone

[JsMom]

My 45 yr old swbpd was a very sensitive child and clingy to me even as an infant. For the most part he wanted to stay by my side playing or reading. His brother 4yrs younger was the opposite and would easily entertain himself. Swbpd never bonded with his Dad who has mental health issues. His Dad was jealous of him and of him taking my time. We divorced when my sons were in their teens. What I did not find this out until swbpd was 20 was that he was repeatedly molested by friends who I traded babysitting with. Both husband and wife were involved and threatened our lives if he ever told. Evil people. 
My son didn't display any issues I noticed until about 12rs old. He would at times lay on his bed and cry that he was going to die. I tried to talk with him and comfort him at those moments. He was a sweet kid.  At 15 he began to bully his younger brother, push back with his Dad.  He ran away, he started hanging out with a rough group of guys. He shared many years  later he was involved in beating another kid with this group. The bullying of his brother got so bad - I tried family counseling, SAY counseling... I attend parenting meetings for kid acting out... We had him move in with his grandparents to protect our younger son. He loved his grandfather and bonded with him but they let him run as he pleased.. He dropped out of high school, worked with the  Conservation Corp. Younger son and I visited him and he seemed to be doing well. I got a call at midnight- he left the Corp (got kicked out?) and was in a bus station hours away and was in a panic that he wasn't safe and wanted me to drive and get him. I did not, he was 18. I told him to wait until the morning to take a bus home. At 19 he married a woman 14yrs his senior. She had a 17yr old and a 6yr old.  Lots of drama and violence. Turns out she was on probation.  She took swbpd and her young daughter to the mall and taught them how to steal small items. She pushed him to join the Navy. He did but was quickly sent to what he called Nuts and Bolts and discharged. He divorced 1st wife after she was sent to prison. He married a high school sweetheart at 21. Lots of drama, some good times and two beautiful children who lived through it. I paid for couples, individual and family therapy. I was in the middle of their struggles. My granddaughter asked to live with us as a little girl.
My daughter inlaw carried the brunt of the bpd fallout for many years. Inspite of the trauma and triangulation  - she and I love each other dearly. It must be like the bond soldiers in war have with each other. She eventually divorced him. We had him stay with us. He was suicidal and I drove him to the hospital ranting where he was placed in a facility for 2 weeks. He came back and lived with us for 2yrs until we nudged him out. He shares rent with his younger brother and uncle in his ex wife's house she moved out of. .They've shared custody and he has worked off and on until December where his ex helped him find a full-time job after he talked suicide again because of feeling like a failure in supporting himself and kids. He was an independent electrical contractor.  He tried real estate for a couple years and before that. It isn't that he is not intelligent it is that he is impaired and suffers from bpd. I don't use the word suffer lightly. He can ooze pain.
I wish I understood what was going on for him when he was younger maybe he'd be in a better place now. I do know I did try to get help for him, myself and our family as I knew how.
I don't if reading this might help someone who is scared for their child but in denial as how serious what they was dealing with is.
With proper understanding maybe another kid can get help that works much sooner.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I hope your post about your son helps others but also helps you, because I hope you can arrive at some self forgiveness. Some of the issues you mentioned were beyond your control. You didn't cause them.

While there is a genetic component to mental illness, it's not always a straightforward one, like hair color, or blood type. It could be many genes, a genetic susceptibility or something we don't understand yet. That your son's father has mental ilness does indicate a genetic possibility- but you have no control over what genes your son has.

You made the best choice of child care you knew. It was impossible to predict that your child faced that trauma. It's not good for a child to sequester them from any other people. Kids will go to school, to friends' houses. Most people are decent people. We just can't predict all the time.

As adults, while it is helpful to explore family of origin issues for understanding, adults have to work on their own issues and any childhood trauma in therapy themselves. To do nothing to change and just blame parents isn't helpful. At 45, your son's best chance at his own emotional health is to make use of the therapy resources he has. Compromising yourself after retirement is detrimental to you and won't help your son.

Pw BPD may tend to see themselves through a victim perspective and blame others, so forgiveness may not come from your son, if he's not able to give that. I hope you can give this to yourself and be OK with taking care of yourself now and conserving your financial resources.

[Pook075]

With my 27 year old BPD daughter, we don't know what the catalyst was.  My ex wife (likely BPD but diagnosed major depressive) showed the same traits and so did many of my ex's closest relatives (brothers, her mom, her grandpa).  Little is known how much genetics come into play, but I clearly saw a pattern on my in-laws side.

Anyway, back to my kid.  She started acting out around 5 or 6, very big mood swings, refused to apologize, bullied her sister fiercely, etc.  If you'd punish her, then she would do everything she could to punish everyone else too.  Breaking things in the house, hurting our pets, running away, spreading lies, etc.

We kept having therapists at school say she was manipulative, but clearly super smart and missing her potential.  She scored in the top .1% in the nation for math in 6th grade, yet she was had a D in 6th grade math.  Make that make sense.  Her score was the best in the history of the state yet she was close to repeating 6th grade.  Everyone was sort of baffled.

Around 12, she was getting more violent and more out of control.  During one of her manic episodes, I screamed at her and she suddenly got quiet and went to her room.  And we thought, "OMG, something got through to her."  So that became the norm, when she'd be out of control, I'd yell and she'd back down.  But before you knew it, I was always yelling and she started yelling back...not just at me.  She'd scream at her mom, threaten her friends and teachers, and it truly became a nightmate.

By the way, I was comletely wrong for yelling all the time.  When nothing else worked and that did, I went with it.  But I now believe that my aggression drove her aggression.  A lot of that is 100% my fault because she was learning all the wrong lessons in a house that was complete chaos.

By 19, we kicked her out.  She returned home briefly at 21 and 22, but quickly fell into old patterns.  She couldn't hold a job, couldn't keep friends for very long, and these patterns just kept repeating.  But at 23, she had basically a mental breakdown and took therapy seriously for the first time.  A lot changed in the next year and she's one of the "success stories."

She's not cured, not always mentally stable, but she's worked about 75% of it all out and is now a productive citizen.  She has a pretty good career and lots of potential, but she still crosses boundaries far too often and gets super close to the wrong types of people.  If she could figure that part out, I think she'd be closer to 90-95% "cured".  But the friends continually bring her down.

I think inner circles play such a crucial role in BPD people's lives; at an early age and throughout their lives.  My kid and i get each other now and our relationship is pretty good, but at the same time I don't try to influence her life in any way.  If she asks for advice, I give it.  Otherwise I keep silent and stick to the small talk that works for us.  It's not a perfect relationship by any means but I think it's the best it can possibly be.