Feeling lost and depressed

[dlunalouise@gmail.com]

My DIL was diagnosed with bpd. She is married to my son. My son, dil, 4 yr old granddaughter and 2 yr old grandson have lived with me since my granddaughter was born ( 4 years) for financial reasons. My son is continually looking for a better financially paying job, but in the meantime, they live with me. My dil is very moody, continuously upset with me, leaves dishes with food in the sink for sometimes two days ( where there is no room for me to do my own cooking or dishes). My relationship with my son and grandchildren means everything to me, so I don’t complain, I help clean when it gets too unbearable. I feel like I have no control over my home or life. Not sure what to do. I don’t want to kick them out of my house until they can financially afford it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi dlunalouise and welcome.

My DD with BPD and her daughter live with me so my situation is a little bit similar. I have to say straight off that I think you are amazing and you clearly love your son and grandchildren deeply.

It is a huge dilemma – one that I grapple with all the time over many years. Yes we do have options and one of them is to say ‘Move out’ – but when you can see clearly the consequences of that, it is not so simple to choose that option.

It does seem that to make it possible for our loved ones to have basic things such as a roof over their heads etc, we can end up feeling ‘dispossessed’ ourselves and that we have no control over our own lives – very real reasons for feeling depressed and that sense of having no way forward.

Can I ask whether you are working yourself? I had retired, but this year I found work for 3 days a week. I find that this – although tiring for me – is a way to get out of the house and be with other people.

I struggled for a long time re the state of the house etc and DD’s inability to get into any sort of routine etc. I kept trying to make this happen but to no avail. In the long run I found that rethinking things was a big help.
 
I love a clean and tidy house, but I find it easier to let go of that and have a different mental approach ie I don’t try to keep it all under my control, but I do things as they need it. This is my house but I think of it as living in a 'share' house. I have set up my room so that I can relax there and follow my interests. The rest of the house can get pretty chaotic at times!

You don’t say whether or not your DIL copes well with the children– that would be another huge stress for you if not!

The key for me has been letting go of lots of ways of thinking and seeing my life as ‘beside’ my DD’s. I find it hard to keep up with friends but I make sure I phone them etc and also have interests that I can follow – when I feel overwhelmed with my situation and how it can change, I find I can now ‘switch’ my mind to something that interests me and explore that for a while.

I think it is possible to see your life as separate to your family even when they are under the same roof and they ‘take over’ the space that is your home. I feel ‘free’ even though the demands of my DD and her daughter are very pretty big. Having work helps but I also try to take ‘time -out’ to just go for a short walk, stop on the way home to go to a café – I sometimes get a takeaway coffee and have it in the car while I have a phone catchup with a friend. I suppose I am trying to find my own ‘space’ wherever I can, and I find this help me cope with the situation.

I hope you are able to post again with more details of how things are for you.