Got one of those calls that makes me feel all will be fine. Denial is easy

[JsMom]

I'm planning to talk to my swbpd this Sunday.  We have a tentative agreement to meet up. I will let him know that I love him, I won't be his ATM. I go in and out of struggling with doing it and possible fallout... Last week he spiraled and was over the top disregulated over a rash that freaked him out as it spread over his body. Lots of drama. At the time my husband was done with living with it.  Tonight about a week later my son calls more happy, and relaxed than I've heard him in a long time. He called to say hi and see how we were doing. The truth is this is a part of who he is as well. Yes, there has been inpatient stays, suicidal talk, angry rants..... But there's this sweet caring part too. My struggle is having a hard time accepting the whole package. Have any of you struggled with the reality of the whole package?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

It's both sides of the same coin. "Borderline" was called that because it seemed to be on the line of neurosis and psychosis, and sometimes the borderline can act lucid and "normal" so to speak.

True change isn't quick. So when someone goes from raging and dissociated to appearing calm and nice in a short period of time, it's not that all will be OK from now on. Emotionally, it's hard to not wish for this or to hope for this and want to believe it.

My thoughts about this are- for me, I saw this "good side" as a form of masking. How sad for the pwBPD to think they are only acceptable when they are like this, but not truly loved for who they are.

And also, I got a bit jaded about it over time- as my BPD mother could be manipulative and so, if she was being nice to me, I wondered what is it she wants. I found it hard to trust this "side of her". The times she was angry and acting out felt more authentic- she wasn't in control of her behavior.

For me, the motivation to accept the whole package was more like radical acceptance-  to accept that she was who she was and attempts to change her, or to expect her to change weren't realistic or fair to her, really. That didn't mean accepting all of her behavior, or not having boundaries.

It also meant holding steady with my own self image and emotions no matter where she was on this borderline. It didn't mean not having feelings, but to be less reactive to her- and tone down the drama. She could be happy and saying nice things and then later, say I was terrible- but neither defined me. I didn't try to JADE.

Watch your emotions. If you go from despair and fear one moment to feeling like everything is fine, based on your son's phone calls and moods, this puts a lot of control on to his moods. This doesn't mean not having feelings- that mother- child bond is strong- it goes both ways. If my BPD mother was in distress- I had feelings about that.

However, her feelings didn't define me- it didn't mean I was a bad child if she felt that way and if your son is in distress- it doesn't mean you are a bad mother. If he asks for money and you say "no" he may react, and say hurtful things but his thinking doesn't make it true.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

Here's my read:  your son is stressed out, and he hasn't really learned healthy ways of coping with stress.  Though there are lots of potential reasons for a rash, including food poisoning, allergies (e.g. pollen, gluten), dry skin . . . there's also such a thing as a stress-induced (or stress-worsening) rash.  I've experienced that, and big time.  Some cold compresses, cooling baths, drinking plenty of water, loose clothing and taking an antihistamine at bedtime can help.  I find that hydrocortisone cream makes my rashes worse; the only thing that isn't irritating to me is petroleum jelly.  Zinc oxide cream might help too.  If the rash persists for several days, he can go to the doctor to check it out.

I understand how stressful it can be when a loved one is incredibly moody.  My BPD stepdaughter is intensely moody, and when she was living with me, it felt like she was a smouldering volvano, ready to explode at the slightest provocation.  My husband can be like that too, but his volcano isn't as active, and his "eruptions" tend to be less intense as well as shorter-lived.  But by now, I know my husband's triggers.  A common one is hangriness.  He can get grumpy before dinner, especially if he didn't have a decent lunch.  He's also grumpy when he's stressed out (e.g. over an unexpected expense), over-tired or not getting enough attention.  Since I know the triggers and they are 95% predictable, I've learned to brace myself for his outbursts.  Mainly, I try really hard not to take his complaints and criticisms personally . . . because I know it's not really about me (though I'm always the focus); it's lashing out because of stress.  An example was that yesterday, he was hangry and, the second he walked in the door, he lashed out at me for not picking up the mail, even though he had passed the mailbox just seconds before.  He didn't notice any of the housework I did, nor the fact that I had dinner waiting for him.  No, he chewed me out about the mail, which is typically "his" chore.  It felt like he was looking for a fight.  But I didn't take the bait.  I didn't point out that I did a bunch of housework while he was gone all day on a fun trip.  I didn't defend myself.  I just went about my business and got out of his way--I didn't give him much of an opportunity to make things worse.  I didn't "engage" with his complaining and grumpiness.  Yeah, it's sad that he can be such a jerk sometimes, but I'm just done going above and beyond to make things "perfect" for him, because it doesn't matter what I do anyway!  He's going to be gumpy, and he's going to criticize me.  If he can't think of a obvious criticism or complaint, then he'll attack me for how (or where) I'm standing, or how I'm breathing, or how I'm looking at him, or how I'm not looking at him, or what I'm wearing, or how I did my makeup that day--not enough makeup and I'm criticized for not looking nice for him; too much makeup and I'm trying to flirt with another man; when reality is that my makeup is broadly consistent, day after day.  So, I just let him vent, I try not to take it personally, and I silently leave the room as soon as I can.  Fortunately for me, once he's had some food and a night's rest, he's usually back to his "normal" self the next day.

I guess that's my long-winded way of saying that when there's dysregulation that turns mean and/or nonsensical, a good strategy is to give them an "adult time out."  I think a time out works better than rewarding "bad" behavior with attention, and it also serves to protect your sanity better.  No JADEing, no advice, no solutions . . . because they aren't listening, and they don't actually want help in that moment, they want to blame someone else.  Save the explanations for later, when they're not dysregulated.

[JsMom]

Notwendy,  I've been rereading your reply. It helps my perspective.  I'm saddened by considering my son masks to possibly feel excepted and loved. That his true nature isn't worthy of being loved. I was hoping that possibly he had a good day or experience and he was feeling genuine happiness over it. I would love that he has those moments. Last night's call didn't feel needy, or manipulative as some have. Idk. I am mulling over what you called radical acceptance.  I do know my pain comes from denying reality or trying to control my son. Thank you.

CC43,  I agree about the rash and suggested many of those things. When he was disregulated practical self care advise didn't calm the storm in him though he tried a few things. He did see a Dr finally who put him on prednisone and it's cleared up.
I appreciate your honest life example.  Thank you. You didn't try to change your husband's mood, didn't argue or defend. You stayed true to yourself and kept out of the way until the storm blew over. I will also think about my son's triggers.  For me oprotecting myself from my son's storms when he calls in distress is I think to validate his feelings, be empathetic, let him know I love him. Then I kind of get stuck. How long to stay on the phone when he's spinning out, when he's needing saving from a financial issue...
Anyway, I appreciate both your responses. I'm slowly getting it. I'm not feeling responsible at the moment for his emotions and choices. I feel breathing space.

[Notwendy]

Notwendy,  I've been rereading your reply. It helps my perspective.  I'm saddened by considering my son masks to possibly feel excepted and loved. That his true nature isn't worthy of being loved. I was hoping that possibly he had a good day or experience and he was feeling genuine happiness over it. I would love that he has those moments. Last night's call didn't feel needy, or manipulative as some have. Idk. I am mulling over what you called radical acceptance.  I do know my pain comes from denying reality or trying to control my son. Thank you.

Moms are on the front line with their kids. It's known that all kids act up the most with their mothers because they feel safest to do so. It's not fair that your son acts out with you, but it's because he doesn't have to mask. However, this doesn't mean you tolerate it. You can have boundaries. I had boundaries too.

Being human, I did have times when I lost my cool with BPD mother but learning to be less emotionally reactive to her, took down the drama in the relationship. Consider that trying to change your son might feel invalidating to him, and it also isn't possible. Radical acceptance does not mean the behavior is acceptable, it's that we stop expecting them to be different than who they are.

PwBPD have difficutly with emotional regulation. If you recall when your son was a toddler and wanted a cookie for dinner, he probably had a tantrum, said you were a mean mommy. But you knew the right response was to not give him the cookie. You had to act in his best interest- and not let him have cookies for dinner, even if he didn't like it, even if he tantrumed.

Now switch out the cookie for money. He wants money but it's not in his best interest to enable his poor spending management. He needs to learn to live within his budget. He's going to tantrum but you know what to do that is in his best interest.