Daughter in law BPD mayhem

[Hurt FIL]

Hello all first time here- a bit of background: I’m a semi retired emergency physician in New Zealand happily married for many years 2 adult children daughter and son. we’ve had our ups and downs as we all do but all minor and we are a strong stable family of more introvert type of people
My son met his partner a few years ago and they have been together since not long after.
She divulged she was going to counselling and later stated she had BPD - formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist in the mental health team she also has an additional diagnosis.
She has engaged in therapy and I thought she was going okay
A bit quirky and garrulous and nervous with new people- but that’s no biggie
She painted her mother as a very nasty controlling person who is an alcoholic. And consequently we’ve only met her parents on a couple of occasions her mother appears to be fairly strong minded but not not an unpleasant person. She fell pregnant last year and we were over the moon to be anticipating our first grandchild. Everything seemed to be fine and we have been nothing but welcoming and kind to her indeed my wife has helped her out and treated her as a daughter.

Our granddaughter arrived and everything seemed to be initially fine however on the first night in their new home my wife was there helping out and my son‘s partner started to decompensate. When she was finished feeding and the baby was going to be put down with my son and wife’s help she accused them of wanting to steal the baby and she did not want to sleep as a consequence of that this culminated in her calling her mother to come over and my son and my wife resorted to sleeping downstairs as their presence was winding her up. My wife arrived home the next morning very upset saying it was absolutely terrible the next week was a whirlwind essentially she got worse turning on her mother mother saying that she was evil turning on us saying that we were playing her son off against her in poisoning his mind she got friends and who she then termed as her family who started to enable her by believing her stories about us. It all came to head went through lack of sleep she went into a manic state requiring a compulsory treatment order under the mental health act they stayed in place for about five days in for the past week my son has been treating water and her parents especially her mother has been a fantastic help to her which makes me seriously doubt that all we have been told about her is untrue. We have been shut out in the cold we have not seen our granddaughter for the past two weeks. They’re seeing a therapist soon both my son and his partner and then the partner with her mother. A transpires speaking to the midwife that she has been telling stories about us which have been completely untrue due to patient confidentiality we don’t know the substance of these but the implication from the midwife is that they were not very nice - she also has exhibited splitting against her midwife having sacked her and intends to complain about her and other staff members at the hospital.. My son has the insight and his read up about BPD and given her instability and telling stories about us behind our back  he is not falling for her attempts to manipulate him against us and alienating us
He is intending to leave her and will be looking at doing a coparenting and  dividing up the relationship property  which they’ve only bought recently. This  is an absolute mess it’s our worst nightmare when it really should be one of the happiest times of our lives. We have told our son that it is really his decision what what he does in this situation and we will support him no matter what his choice however as coldhearted as it may seem my inclination would be to run.

My main concern is my son‘s mental health but also that about granddaughter I can’t see any fantastic option here but the unpredictability of living with such a person and the emotional rollercoaster they would put both my son and our granddaughter through would be tremendously destructive. For our part we have been very hurt and confused by this and it is taking a lot of time to get our heads around it. My son seems to be doing a very good job of sitting boundaries and he is currently sleeping in a separate bed downstairs in the house he has seen a lawyer and is getting all his ducks in a row in the likelihood that he will be leaving the relationship. It is made life very complicated that there is a baby involved who is an innocent party to all of this. The daughter-in-law now apparently we have heard through the grapevine has been on social media is starting to window dress her life with the new arrival

She seems to be settling down and almost behaving as if nothing has happened. She has however made no attempts to contact us or talk to us and at the moment we feel very hurt and angry but we feel supporting our son but distancing ourselves from her is the best option at the moment

Sorry for venting everybody but this has been an absolutely terrible rollercoaster to hell for us I would welcome anybody else’s perspective on this perhaps somebody has been an exactly the same situation we are in.

Looking through the forum they seem to be many accounts of manipulated behaviour using grandchildren as pawns in the game that they play we are very keen to avoid this if at all possible welcome your thoughts thank you to all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I think there are many posters here with similar type situations. I hope to offer some perspective, based on my own experiences. I am the adult daughter of a mother with BPD. Both my parents are deceased after a decades long marriage.

The Karpman triangle was very helpful to me in understanding the behavior. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD mother was in victim perspective, and my father's main position was as her rescuer/enabler. For the two of them to be aligned like this- someone or something was in persecutor position. BPD mother's interactions with people were from her victim perspective- so "painting someone black" to another person who may be empathetic to her, and align with her was a common pattern. What is said isn't necessarily true. For someone with BPD, feelings feel like facts- so they may feel that way or- possibly be seeking empathy from the person they are venting to. This could explain why your DIL told stories about you to the midwife.

IMHO, and from experience, the most precarious thing about this situation is- that she is acting "normal" and may even be acting especially nice to your son. This is not malicious, it's fear of abandonment, as she may be aware that her behavior could push him away. PwBPD are very sensitive to shame- and so may not apologize or take accountability to avoid this feeling, which is very distressing to them- so instead they may act like "all is good now".

The person who has seen the behavior may second guess themselves and think well she's OK now. Also with my mother, there could be "reasonable" sounding reasons for the behavior- and your DIL may attribute her behavior to hormones and post partum. That may be a preciptating factor- but that doesn't mean her behavior was reasonable. It can give the impression that this was a one time event, but BPD is not a one time issue.

Why are you and your wife in a most precarious situation?- because, you are "on" to her and also because, next to her, you have the most influence on your son, her husband. Often the non BPD spouse's family members are likely to be placed in the persecutor position on the Karpman triangle.

You have no control over your DIL's feelings and your son will make his own decisions. Ultimately he will need to be the one who decides to carry out his plans and while you wish to be of support to him, keep the Karmpan triangle in mind and try to keep the drama in your interactions with her down, and keep your interactions with her positive- stay cordial, not emotionally reactive, even if you feel otherwise.

[Notwendy]

As to the baby- she'd be in a similar situation as me, having a mother with BPD. I think it's one step at a time with the baby. Right now, if she's being cared for with the help of her mother's family- she is OK. If I could summarize what was most helpful to me as a child, it's that other stable adults were also involved. If your son is able to have separate parenting agreements- then you two, as his parents will be able to spend time with the baby during his parenting time. If the DIL's mother is involved, the baby will be cared for. For now, your son has some tasks ahead for himself.

The "window dressing" on social media is because, how people perceive them is important to someone with BPD- and actually we all want to be seen favorably by others. If your DIL needs help, it's important to her that she is still seen as a "good mother". My BPD mother was agreeble to having help- I think best presented to her as "you deserve this help" rather than as "you need the help", implying she can't do it on her own. To phrase things in a complimentary way may feel like pandering but pwBPD have a poor self image and so are sensitive to negative comments.

[Hurt FIL]

Thankyou Notwendy that’s a very helpful perspective from someone who has been through it
I’m uncertain what the future holds  my son is emphatic that he’s done - but he does have a good kind heart
However she is re engaging in therapy and taking her meds
Understand that it’s a lifelong struggle for her - but with ongoing therapy and boundary setting there could be a glimmer of a future - my heartfelt wish is for her to progress forward with therapy realising she has something golden in her hands- the baby is an innocent and thus far blank canvas and for her babies and families sake she can learn to move forward
Will support my son and granddaughter however the future might proceed.
In time my feelings towards my DIL will settle but I probably won’t be able to fully trust her again - I can put on a good act BUT I will set boundaries here

[ForeverDad]

It is very common for the other parent's family to be cast as horrible and the other parent pressured to increasingly disengage from them.

In my case I was married for over a decade while my spouse developed BPD behaviors with periodic rants and rages.  I didn't know much about personality disorders nor how severe and impacting the acting-out ones (Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial, Histrionic) could be.  I was clueless and hoped that if we had a child, then she would be much happier watching our child discover the joys of life.  Reality check.  As soon as our child was born, there was a divide between us.  I thought she felt she had to choose between me or her child and I lost.  Then it worsened when he became a preschooler, the same age as when her stepfather entered her life.  I started getting compared to that abuser.  It was only years later that I have since concluded that her Family of Origin (FOO) childhood environment resulted in her perceiving me as a Father figure rather than as a Husband.  (Perceptions, feelings and moods mean more to pwBPD than facts and reality does.  That part of the reason why BPD is so very intractable and difficult to treat.)  There was no way I could "fix" that.  Our marriage imploded just as I learned about this site.

While initially our friends were rejected (or they stepped away from the dysfunction) it soon expanded to include my relatives, even my parents in their 80s, and eventually me as well.

[Notwendy]

Will support my son and granddaughter however the future might proceed.
In time my feelings towards my DIL will settle but I probably won’t be able to fully trust her again - I can put on a good act BUT I will set boundaries here

.

My BPD mother didn't like my father's family. Still, they remained cordial to her, and we kids were able to spend time with them. So your being cordial, even if it's an act on your part- is in the best interest of the grandchild.

I understand the loss of trust. It's hard to trust someone when they have told stories about you behind your back and behave erratically. As to boundaries- keep in mind they are about you, not the other person. Your DIL doesn't have to be the reason for being cordial however your feelings about her may be. The main reason is the child. The idea of "medium chill" being calm, collected, and not reactive is one way to keep the drama down.

[js friend]

Hi Hurt FIL,

Your story is unfortunately very famliar with many of the grandparents on this board. Iam the maternal grandparent. My udd has 3 children. I practically helped raise my first 2gc as udd was a single mother and b/f had no family, and then I was totally cut out of their lives the same week  she met her new partner. Since meeting I have neither met him, his family or my 3rd gc  that they have together. My udd has also cut off members of my family including her own siblings who have questioned her decision regarding not allowing me to see my gc. When asked for an explanation about why she is keeping the gc away from me apparently udd has become really angry and refuses to discuss it. I myself have tried and had the same reaction.

I applaud your son for doing his research on Bpd. I also applaud your DIL for being open with her diagnosis and her willingness to work on this by going to therapy, I think is a great step in the right direction.

I came to this board with very little knowledge many years ago when my udd was a teenager and my life was being turned upside down. I have more knowledge now but it still doesnt make it  any easier especially when there are gc involved. I had high hopes that becoming a GP that udd would become more mature  and it would bring us closer but it has had the opposite effect. What it did was to trigger a power and control dynamic where  I was either being used constantly for babysitting(so much so I couldnt tell her when I had days off work) or I was constantly being berated that I was a failure as a GM if I didnt do exactly what she said when she said it. There was never any please or Thanks or show of appreciation, but instead a lot of jealousy when GC showed me love.

I think you should also take comfort in knowing that there will another set of eyes out there in your DIL's family to keep an eye out for your GC. My advice would be to try to keep things friendly between your famillies as DIL will try to breakdown any communication you may have between you due to her paranoia. I would also advise to try not to get too caught up in your son and DIL's relationship as this rollercoster may go on for quite a while and taking on so much stress  can affect your mental health. I have been there.

I would try to give advice to a minimum if at all. Being there to support your son is what is really needed and to take each day as it comes as things may be ever changing while also remembering to take care of yourselves in the process because this situation is ultimately out of your control.