Seeking online therapist recommendation

[Jars]

I’m in need of a recommendation for an online therapist who specializes in providing therapy to family members of a pwBPD. My 23-year-old daughter with BPD has been spiraling and she recently let loose with all manner of vitriol towards me, her mother, and my other adult daughter.Her life is constant chaos and as per usual she says it’s all my fault. The blame, the verbal abuse, the constant hateful and threatening texts and calls are exhausting me. I went silent after she threatened to call and write my employer to report my abuse. I need advice on how to deal with all of this. I am leaning towards NC for a very long time. Any recommendations you can give would be so appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so glad you found us and I've been in the same situation with my 27 year old BPD daughter.  We went no contact several times in her early 20's because it became so toxic; it was what was best for our mental health and I don't regret it.

I don't have any online recommendations for an online therapist so I'll defer to other members here.  Just know that you're not alone here, so many of us have been in (or are in) the exact same situations.  My kid did get better through therapy and DBT, but "better" is a relative term.  Our relationship is far from the same as my other (non-BPD) daughter, but we can talk and have productive conversations now.  She just can't be the center of my life anymore because I don't want to be sucked into her drama.

[CC43]

Jars,

You've come to the right place.  I haven't tried an online therapist, but these boards are extremely helpful in my opinion.

My adult BPD stepdaughter was probably at her worst at around age 23.  I think it was because she was bumping up against adult expectations and pressures, and yet she was equipped with the emotional resources of a youngster (think distress intolerance, super-sized emotions, unrealistic expectations, inability to focus or problem-solve, misreading situations, no appreciation of context, no resilience).  By that time, her peers had graduated from college for the most part, and they were leading adult lives:  starting careers, moving away, living independently, forming romantic relationships, maybe pursuing advanced degrees.  Meanwhile, my BPD stepdaughter felt left behind . . . unable to complete college-level work, unable to hold a job for more than a couple of days, unsure of who she was or wanted to become, let alone how to make an adult's life for herself.  I think she felt inferior and was deeply shamed about that.  Though she could pass the time sleeping, using marijuana and scrolling social media, deep down she knew she was failing at "adulting."  But rather than do anything about it, she lashed out at her family, blaming them for all her woes.  Eventually she embraced a victim attitude, perceiving everything in her life as trauma.  She lashed out at everyone, and as a result she lost all her friends.  She was alienated from her entire family (cousins, aunts, uncles included), and the only exception she'd make was her dad and me, because she needed housing and money from us.  If any of that sounds familiar, you can take a look at some of my posts in the son/daughter section.

Anyway, your daughter is only 23, she can still turn things around with therapy, provided that she wants to change for the better.  You can't force her, she has to be ready.  Basically she has to run out of all other options, by hitting bottom.  If you enable her to live a dysfunctional life, then my guess is that, though she's miserable, her life is working well enough for her.  As long as she has YOU to blame for everything (while you give her money/housing/insurance and/or other types of support), she has little incentive to change.  Looking back, I wish my husband hadn't enabled his daughter to persist with such a dysfunctional life for as long as he did.  I know it was hard, because he couldn't bear to see her suffer, and he helped her countless times out of love.  But at the end of the day, she had to suffer in order to be in a position to accept professional help.

I think that by enabling dysfunction, my BPD stepdaughter suffered years longer than she should have.  Basically she was allowed to live with us while NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.  She was allowed adult freedoms but had zero responsibilities, and that is a bizarro world of mixed-up incentives.  I'd advise, if you are supporting your daughter in any way (money, insurance, transportation, housing, logistical or administrative help, tuition, food, etc.), she should be respectful to you, and she should not be NEETT.  Also, if your daughter has been highly dysfucntional and NEETT for a while, and she asks you to help her "start over" with a new lease, tuition, etc., my opinion is that helping would actually set her up to fail.  To expect her to magically recover, do a 180 and handle full-time pressures without demonstrating some progressive improvement first is delusional.  Save your money and energy, or better yet, make her be the one to do most of the work to "start over."  She's 23, if she wants to move to another city, enroll in another school, etc., she should be the one to make it happen, not you.

I'm not going to lie, it's a tough road to recovery, but it can happen.  In fact, once my stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously, she turned her life around pretty quickly.  That doesn't mean everything is perfect, and she has faced some setbacks.  But right now her life looks much, much better than it did a few short years ago.  Alas, she's still estranged from the entire family right now, but we keep tabs on her through her therapist.  From what we hear, she's doing pretty well, and she's making an adult's life for herself.  I'm really proud of her for that.  I don't think she's quite ready to repair relationships with the family yet, but I'm still hopeful.  My guess is that if she starts a "career" job and maybe finds a romantic partner, then she can shed her victim identity for a more positive one.  I think that if she does that, then she might let go of the past and start talking to the family again.  That's my hope.

Anyway, I'll wrap up with a reminder that this is NOT your fault, no matter how much your daughter tries to convince you otherwise.  Also, no contact or low contact can be recommended if you need a break.  You don't need to explain it to anyone, just take a break if you need it.  Let the calls go to voicemail, and don't read the texts if they are too triggering to you.  Rest assured that if your daughter has an emergency, she can dial 911.

Look, your daughter has BPD, and as an adult, it's her responsibility to get professional help if she needs it.  You can't "fix" her, no matter how much you'd like to help.  Only she can do that.

[Jars]

Thank you for your words of wisdom and insights! I am not supporting her financially and I won’t. The only support I have been giving her is emotional support and that has backfired because she is now dysregulated and splitting and she blames me for everything wrong in her life. I told her to please get some help and she says I am the one who needs help. She doesn’t want to have a conversation. She wants to rage. She has been quiet for a week, but then reached out over text last night to once again blame me for her depression and lack of support. I love her very much, but I cannot tolerate verbal abuse and threats on my livelihood. I guess I just want to know if I should respond or be silent. I did not respond last night. I feel like anything I say sets her off because she’s in such a spiral. I also believe she is abusing substances, which is exacerbating her out of control rage. Any advice on the best way for me to move forward would be much appreciated.

[Pook075]

Thank you for your words of wisdom and insights! I am not supporting her financially and I won’t. The only support I have been giving her is emotional support and that has backfired because she is now dysregulated and splitting and she blames me for everything wrong in her life. I told her to please get some help and she says I am the one who needs help. She doesn’t want to have a conversation. She wants to rage. She has been quiet for a week, but then reached out over text last night to once again blame me for her depression and lack of support. I love her very much, but I cannot tolerate verbal abuse and threats on my livelihood. I guess I just want to know if I should respond or be silent. I did not respond last night. I feel like anything I say sets her off because she’s in such a spiral. I also believe she is abusing substances, which is exacerbating her out of control rage. Any advice on the best way for me to move forward would be much appreciated.

It's such a balancing act and there's not a "perfect" answer here because every person is a little bit different.  But as a general rule, when you're receiving abuse, then back off. 

If they persist, make it solely about you (and your boundaries).  I can't do this right now...I need to calm down and clear my head...I don't want to argue and can't continue this conversation.  Make it 100% all about you.  For the words about her, it should be "I love you and..<then the 'you statement'>."

What you shouldn't say is, "I love you BUT you're being ridiculous right now."  In that instance, all they hear is "you're ridiculous".  The rest literally goes right out the window.  This happens because they're thinking emotionally and everything is super intense in the moment.  When they're in this kind of state, there's no logic involved and it will never be a productive conversation.

So you go with the tried and true <me statements> balanced out with <you statements> that show you care and they have your sympathies that they're having a bad day.

What if your "me statements" don't work?  That's when you go no contact (or very low contact), and it could be for a few hours, days, or weeks.  The timing is really determined by them because you'll remain limited contact until they can speak to you in a civil, respectful manner.  I'll usually give my BPD kid a few rude statements for free, but after that I start my "me statements" and begin pulling away.

[CC43]

Hi again,

Well I think you have a very good read of the situation, and you're doing great, though the situation is unsettling.  I noticed too that abuse of substances made my BPD stepdaughter's behavior much worse.  She was self-medicating, believing she'd numb herself from her issues, when in actuality she made herself more dysfunctional, more paranoid and more emotionally off-kilter.  After daily use of substances over an extended period, I noticed some deterioration in her verbal skills, too.

I like the idea of you keeping the lines of communication open, but not responding when your daughter is being abusive.  You're right, she doesn't want your advice, and she is blaming you.  When she's in a state, she can't process anything you have to say anyway.  It's all part of her victim attitude and blame-shifting.  And yes, she's channeling her out-of-control rage your way.  Maybe she's doing this because she needs a release, and she knows that nobody else in the world will tolerate it.  But if things continue to spiral, she might unleash her rage onto others, which means she'll probably end up friendless, jobless and maybe even homeless.  Maybe then she'll hit bottom, where her only option will be to get some professional help.  Now I'm not suggesting that you should tell your daughter that you suspect BPD or mental illness, because as you've seen, she'll take it the wrong way and also accuse you of being the sick one (that's projection, by the way).  But if she mentions getting therapy, I'd try to frame it in a supportive and non-accusatory way ("That's mature of you, taking care of yourself is important," or maybe, "Getting therapy to cope with trauma sounds like a good idea, it couldn't hurt," or maybe "Doctors are professionals, they help people feel better, that's their job."

I think you ARE being emotionally supportive, with this approach:  "I love her very much, but I cannot tolerate verbal abuse and threats on my livelihood."  You stick to that boundary, and maybe, eventually, your kid will figure out that, in order to have a closer relationship with you, she needs to be respectful.  The thing is, with BPD, her emotional intelligence is impaired, and she's a slow learner (in terms of learning how to self-soothe, how to process her emotions in a healthy way, and how to problem-solve and communicate more effectively).  DBT therapy is designed to improve these skills.

Look, I realized I had to make a shift with the emotional support I was providing to the pwBPD in my life.  At first, I had a tendency to try to fix things, to try to help her out (e.g. with a job search).  But she didn't really want the type of help I was providing; she just wanted my money, and to do whatever she wanted.  I thought, OK, she's an adult, if she wants my advice, she'll ask for it; any unsolicited advice I provide she'll take as insulting or condescending.  She wants to go her own way, and I'll support that from an emotional standpoint.  So when she declares her intentions--"I want to move to New York City" or "I want to volunteer in Gaza"--I'll say something like, "I can see why you'd like to do that."  And that's it.  The "old me" would have peppered her with questions, cautioned her about safety, high costs and long-term commitments.  The "old she" would expect me to help her find a place to live, buy plane tickets, co-sign a lease and help move her in.  But hey, she's in her late 20s, if she wants to move to NYC or Gaza(?!), she has to be the one to make it happen.  My guess is, if she really wants it, she'll take some steps forward, and if not, she'll decide to do something else, all by herself.  And that's OK.  In fact, it's better than OK, because she is the commander of her life, not me, not her dad, not anyone else.

[ForeverDad]

I was thinking that this site has, over the years, proven itself to be an excellent peer support site, though of course anonymous and remote.

One concern with online support is that you don't really know the qualifications of someone online proclaiming to be qualified to provide support.  (Yes, there are some who claim to be qualified but you just don't really know.)  However, over on our Books board we have a long list of excellent books.  Some of those authors have online sites and a few do make referrals to other professionals, though generally we don't track those details.

You may decide to share with others about this site but keep in mind this site is oriented to those impacted by relationships with people who exhibit BPD traits.  This site is NOT to be shared with people who have BPD (or other acting-out PDs such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, etc).  Sadly, our experience is that they are too likely to cause mayhem and discord here.  Also, it is not appropriate for minors to post here due to privacy and other obvious reasons.