My borderline adult daughter has worn me out.

[Foolingmyself]

I have not posted in well over a year. My daughter who last time I was posting was pregnant and engaging in very harmful behavior had come back home to live. For about ten months after she had the baby we were doing okay and I thought the worst was behind us. A few days ago I noticed a change in her behavior, she was becoming irritable with the baby, wanted to go out and left her breastfed baby with me for eight hours. The baby was beside herself wanting her mother’s breast. Of course I told my daughter to come home. She got mad and kept the baby in her room for two days. My daughter’s other response to this was to abruptly wean the baby because “summers coming and I want to be able to go out”. The baby has been crying and is pulling her hair. She indicated to me that she planned on leaving the baby with me overnight in the future because she wanted to enjoy the summer. She also said that she expected the man she dated on Saturday to be calling her soon and that she wanted to be available. This morning started off okay but ended in the splitting episode to end all splitting episodes. She called several people to complain that I am a bad mother. It ended in her calling her grandfather to come and rescue her from me. Which he did. I’m at the point where I can’t keep dealing with her. I know she is sick but she is also horrible to me. The badmouthing today was horrific. I’m not going to be a pin cushion anymore. I think this is it. Let someone else step in. I’m exhausted.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

We're so sorry to hear this update, but also it's not that surprising.  Those who have people with BPD traits (pwBPD) in their lives - including their children - are often faced with the suddenly resurgent mood changes from moment to moment.

One positive is that your daughter did nurse her baby for nearly a year.  I recall that my ex - then a spouse - only promised to breastfeed for 6 months but continued for 14 months.  Human milk is such a wonderful food source for children that it's beneficial for as long as the mother can be convinced to continue.

Just a thought... Since it seems your daughter wants to go live her lifestyle again, maybe you could feed her daughter regular milk and other healthy juices when she decides to get antsy and decamp now and then?  Maybe I'm mistaken here but isn't some breastfeeding better than none?

It may be time to ponder what choices you have before you.  Apparently your daughter isn't receptive to the idea of long term therapy (DBT is highly recommended but requires commitment) so what can you do to focus on your granddaughter's welfare?  Has it reached the point where a court would agree you assume some level of protective custody?  Would others in your family support you or would they appease your daughter instead?

[Foolingmyself]

She took her daughter and left the house to go stay with another relative who she has convinced that I am being unfair. She is very persuasive and manipulative. Let them assume responsibility for her and the baby for now since they were so keen on listening to her. Everyone tires of her eventually. I’m the only dummy that keeps believing that she will get better.

[js friend]

Hi Foolingmyself.

I have a similar story.

My udd left her 2 small children with me for an overnight stay and didnt turn up again until 2 wks later.  She turned her phone off moments after she left my home and hadnt left details with anyone about where she had gone, even the gc daycare dint know anything, so I made a missing persons  police report, but they coudnt find her.

Turns out that she had gone to spend time with the new "love of her life"  and said it was all down to  miss communication on my part and that I was overeacting. Extended family actually believed her and belived  that I was blowing it out of all porportion. Easy to say and  very invalidating at the time as they only seemed to want to hear udd's side.

Opinions of many of these family members have since  changed as a quite a few who took her in  asked her to leave shortly afterwards because of her behaviour. Unless your relative has zero rules in her home I cant see how long she will be there especially if she is making plans as to live life as a single woman for the summer with this new man. I also think it is  important to try stay on good terms with this relative for gc's sake if udd decides to suddenly take off with him.

I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel but as you say you are exhausted. we all have our limits. Just know that you have done your best and it is time to put yourself first.

[Sancho]

Hi Foolingmyself
I just want to say that I can relate to your thinking very much. When DD first grabbed baby daughter and left I was so anxious - but, yes, of course it didn't last and back home for me to deal with. So these times were my breaks.

I think by that stage I really didn't care what anyone else thought about me. My DD was/is good at painting me as the villain, but that doesn't wash any more. When someone else was there to take up the reins, it was my time to breathe and restore myself.

Take any moment you can. From what you say, your DD is moving into a different phase with possible new relationship and you need space to consider all possibilities.

[Foolingmyself]

I spoke to her yesterday and she’s of course trying to frame it as all my doing. I completely understand that she is splitting but hearing the barbaric words out of her mouth was particularly excruciating this time. I can’t see myself forgetting about it. I’ve done all I can and gone into debt to help her. I’m drowning financially and now she has attacked me in such a deep, personal way that I can’t move past the cruelty of it all.

[js friend]

Hi foolingmyself

You have a right to feel hurt. Pwbpd are very impulsive and want to live in the moment with no thought for how it impacts others lives and boundaries and the word "No" is not an option to them. Your dd has made plans for the summer and probably discussed it with her new guy and you are not complying with her plans hence the dysregulation totally "forgetting" how much you have helped and supported her and gc.

I think what helps when it comes to the abuse is to remember that your dd is mentally ill and she is saying all these horrible things to you as a coping stratergy and  deflection and If she can put all the blame on you then she doesnt have to look at her own behaviour.

I also think it may helpful to let the dust settle and take some time out for yourself right now which may include limiting calls with your dd.

[CC43]

Hi Fooling,

I hear the exhaustion and resentment in your post.  My guess is that your daughter probably mistreated you before, and you wouldn't have let her back in your house if it weren't for your innocent grandchild.

It sounds to me like you deserve a break.  I've felt that way a few times with my adult BPD stepdaughter, who has rebounded back to my house several times.  For each rebound, we established house rules, and generally speaking she would start off OK, but eventually she reverted to her usual ways, sleeping the days away, not working on herself and being nasty and passive-aggressive.

Unfortunately, my BPD stepdaughter doesn't treat living in our house for free as a temporary situation to stabilize, work on herself and get back on her feet, at least not in the long term.  Rather, she treats it like a vacation.  How so?  Well, though she's a full-fledged adult, I think her brain is still functioning like a teen's most of the time, and she envisages living in the parental home as a carefree summer vacation when she was 13, with no responsibilities.  But since she's not 13, and her peers aren't either, lying around at home all day in front of screens just isn't as fun anymore.  Moreover, she takes a "vacation" in the literal sense, that of vacating her real life.  It might start out as a "transitional" period to relax and recharge, but over time, it's really a reflection of her avoidant response to adult stresses.  She basically parks herself on the sidelines of her life, avoiding work, school, volunteering, etc.  She's lying down, 22-23 hours a day.  Deep down she knows that's not an adult's life, but she just can't muster up the emotional resources to do anything about it.  Then she starts brooding and blaming:  my life sucks, it's your fault, you're horrible, you owe me.  She cycles between periods of passive-aggressiveness and outright hostility.  She's entitled, demands money, doesn't help and doesn't care.  "I don't care" is probably her most repeated sentence, followed by "Leave me alone" and "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want."  The last time she was here, she stayed with us through the entire summer but then was kicked out in late September or early October.

I don't want my BPD stepdaughter to live with me again, because I don't think it's good for her, her dad or me.  No matter what we do and what rules are in place, cohabitation doesn't seem to work.  My opinion is that it actually makes things worse to let her back in our home.  Why?  Because it entails a "vacation" from the "real world," and adults shouldn't be on vacation from the real world when it's facilitated by someone else.  Plus, I think that it's just too hard for a kid to live in a parental home and not adopt childlike habits and resurrect the usual grievances.  Living with parents is a constant reminder of childhood, and let me guess, your daughter thinks she had a terrible childhood, right?

As for the horrible things your daughter might say in angry outbursts, well, that's BPD and probably mostly projection.  My BPD stepdaughter has accused me of the most ludicrous things, which I thought sounded like calling me a poo-poo face, and I actually had to stifle laughter.  I thought, you've lived with me for years, and that's the best insult you've got?  Maybe that just goes to show that she doesn't know me at all, because she doesn't care one iota--she's too busy ruminating about her purported "traumas" and recasting history to fit her victim narrative.  On top of that, she can't come up with any valid complaints about me.  She doesn't see the sacrifices we've made for her benefit--in time, money, emotional support, physical labor, administrative support--because she hasn't really lived in the "real world" as an independent adult.  She's still so entitled, like the 13-year-old little girl attitude she has around our house.  Except she has an adult's body, pocketbook and authority to make decisions.

Having said that, I think my stepdaughter does better when she's living in the "real world."  I think by now she's actually learned that she has to work for some money, and she can't go around blowing her top and expecting to keep any friends.  She can't live like a slob with roommates, and she can't be *itchy to them either, because they'll ask her to leave.  She's been evicted enough times to have learned that lesson (or so I hope).  Her main issue right now is probably realizing that adulting is so HARD, requiring so much work and "fake" niceness.  She still has considerable difficulties with interpersonal relationships (per her long-time therapist).  But in my opinion, she has been doing better, because she's had stable employment and a stable living situation for several months now.  I think that part of the reason is that the "real world" doesn't condone the outrageous BPD behaviors that might be tolerated, even rewarded, in the parental home.  Sometimes I think that pwBPD treat parents worse than anyone else in the world, because only parents are willing to put up with so much, out of love.  Spouses and partners might love a pwBPD, yet separation and divorce are options if behavior is out of control.  But there's no divorcing a kid.

I know this might be hard to hear, but in my home, the worse my BPD stepdaughter acted, the more money, help and concessions she got.  For a long time, it was a bizarro world of mixed-up incentives.  Maybe these mixed-up incentives are partly at play in your home.  And I think that is precisely when resentment starts to build.  Resentment is the feeling of unjust treatment, indignation from injury.  If you are feeling resentment, I think it's time to pull back from over-functioning for your daughter and focus more on yourself.