Glad to be here

[HereForTheLove]

Hello. I am glad to find this family! I have an adult son who I suspect has BPD, though not diagnosed and likely won't be because he is not open to help. I have an appointment for therapy for me coming up in a couple of weeks but I don't think this person deals largely in BPD.

My biggest issue today is my constant anxiety that my son will go off into anger and rage, turning on a dime, which just makes my anxiety go through the roof. I worry that he will go off, and then when he does I feel worse. He sometimes says he will commit suicide, and also that he will kill his dog, who is the closest being to him because he can't relate to people. The biggest thing I need today is a way to deal with life, and with these explosive episodes, without all this anxiety.

Thank in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Goodtimesbro]

Welcome aboard you aren't alone.

[Mutt]

Hello and welcome. I am really glad you made it here.

What you are describing, that constant worry of waiting for the “turn on a dime” moment, is exhausting. To live in that kind of uncertainty is to have your nervous system in a state of constant alert. It is no wonder you feel drained.

Something that helped me was realizing that I couldn’t control or prevent the “explosions” by being constantly on high alert. By watching for every signal, I wasn’t preventing the “explosions” so much as keeping myself anxious.

When the topic of suicide threats or threats to the pet comes up, that is a serious topic. For me, the change was recognizing that those kinds of statements are about safety, not about having an emotional conversation. When someone threatens to hurt themselves, that is a “this may require professional support” kind of situation, not something I can handle on my own. It’s not about punishment, it’s about recognizing that I am taking the statement seriously without trying to negotiate it.

The hardest thing for me to learn was how to separate love from responsibility. I can love someone and still recognize that I am not responsible for managing their emotions or preventing every escalation.

You mentioned that you are going to therapy for yourself. Even if the therapist isn’t specialized in BPD, working on your own anxiety and nervous system regulation can be a huge benefit. When our own system is calm, we behave differently, and that alone can change the dynamic.

You are not wrong to be feeling anxious. But your own peace can’t hang on whether your son is having a good day or not. That’s too much to carry on your own shoulders.

I am glad you are here.