40 year old daughter with BPD signs and behavior

[GracieMichelle]

I’m brand new here.
I have a 40 year old daughter who has not been diagnosed with BPD. She has all of the signs of BPD and I have had professional therapy that is familiar and has helped me to understand it is likely based on all of her behavior.
She is a single mother with a 7 year old child who is on the autism spectrum and is non speaking. Her father, my husband, died of ALS when she was 14. It was very difficult. She was particularly close to him. I remarried someone who had lost his wife and in retrospect it was very hard for her as well. She and I had a pretty close relationship considering our different personalities until a few years ago when she started angrily lashing out at me  and her sister some, over many things about the past, etc. I have been an extremely devoted mom and now grandma. Bring a parent was a huge priority in my life. My older daughter has three children and we are all very close.
The very worst happened about a year and 1/2,ago when my younger daughter called and said that her son had written that my husband had abused her son and she recounted that he wrote this out about an incident when he was 21/2 or 3 when my husband was caring for him. We babysat a lot. She had been saying he communicated by writing and it was all inside.
His head and that was how he expressed. When I witnessed this it was very clear that he was not writing but she was, besides the fact that my husband is the last person who would do this. He loves her son, but my daughter has always been strange about it.
After that horrible accusation I managed to maintain an awkward relationship with this daughter and grandson by going and visiting along, seeking therapy to help me in talking with her, learning that this was not the true her and she was hurting deeply, and be very cautious.Some  visits it went okay and others she was in her angry, tense, accusatory place. A couple times I left abruptly. I have throughout affirmed my unconditional love for the two of them. For almost four months now I have not seen her or my grandson. My pain is sometimes unspeakable.
The last encounter I had with her, when I was leaving and  usually set the next date, it went downhill and something about
it all ‘sucks’ and how bad the year had been come up, she said, ‘but I’m  not the abuser, mom. And I lost my discipline and said , ‘oh yes you are, yes you are’  
She has not returned my requests for another date to visit and a recent more fervent request to come and see my grandson.
In many ways this has felt harder than the terminal illness of my husband. That was catastrophic but it was black and white   I knew what to do, had tremendous support, and the answers were clear

I feel tormented with worry, pain, grief, and continual trying to figure out how to help her or say the things to get her to help. I have offered therapy together countless times. She refuses and says it’s all my people etc.
I’m hoping perhaps this is a place that can bring some  understanding for me, and some relief.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many elements of your story--false accusations, blaming, projection, withholding access to children as punishment, dredging up negative memories from childhood and twisting the narrative--are familiar here.  What you describe sounds a lot like BPD.

Rest assured that you did not cause BPD, and you are not responsible for your daughter's disordered thinking.  She'll blame you for all sorts of things, but that's her maladaptive way of coping.  Alas, since you didn't cause BPD, you can't make it better either, no matter how much you want to.  Only your daughter can do that.  But she's so busy blaming you, that she probably resists getting some help to turn her life around.

In the meantime, your daughter knows she has something you want--access to her son.  The more you beg and plead to see him, the more she'll use him to get back at you, to get concessions out of you.  Besides, if you frame anything in terms of YOUR emotional needs, your daughter is likely to take it the wrong way, as offensive and narcissistic of you.  You see, the only thing that matters to her is HER needs; adding yours on top is completely overwhelming.  If you are still communicating, then I'd recommend eliminating discussion about your needs entirely, and frame everything in a way that puts your daughter in the center.  One way to do this would be to frame a visit as a way to give your daughter a break, to do something special for her.

I know you are hurting.  You're aghast about the accusations of abuse of your grandson--your daughter has taken things too far, and she's becoming more delusional than ever.  The way I read the situation though is that your daughter is probably facing a ton of stress right now, and she's taking it out on you.  She's probably overwhelmed, as a single mom with a special-needs kid.  Maybe her son is getting more mobile and demanding, and she can't handle him as easily as when he was little.  Maybe she's depressed that her life is so hard, and she feels hopeless, that it will never get better for her.  She's entering middle age and feels let down by life.  She's not getting the attention and support she thinks she's entitled to.  Meanwhile, she's probably insanely jealous of her sibling, and how you seem to dote on her and her family.

I could be off base here; I'm just saying that, in my experience with BPD, acting out and inventing a narrative about past abuses are often triggered by an increase in current stresses and disappointments.  It's a maladjusted way of coping.  To your daughter, blaming parents seems easier than taking responsibility and doing the hard work of trouble-shooting.  In addition, AVOIDANCE tends to be a BPD way to cope.  When she's feeling overwhelmed, it's often easier to retreat from life, avoid dealing, avoid contact with others, while at the same time, punishing you with her absence (and access to her son).  I think of this as an "adult time out."  Together, I see these behaviors as a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  Does that make sense?

My guess is that your daughter will reach out again when she needs money or free babysitting.  I think I'd say, sit patiently, and try not to let negative thoughts take over.  You get busy with your life and get in a happy place so that when your daughter does reach out, you're calm and upbeat.

[GracieMichelle]

This is extremely helpful. It affirms some things I have processed with a therapist and also reminds me of the place of staying about her and not about me. That’s hard but I get it.   Thank you do much.