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CC43
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« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2025, 08:36:04 PM » |
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I haven't been in a situation like the one you describe, but I think I can empathize. All parents want to help their kids, as well as have a loving relationship with them. The idea of cutting off contact seems antithetical to that.
The reality is that your daughter is a full-grown adult, and that she is dealing with real mental illness. Even so, just because she has BPD does not give her a free pass to treat you like dirt, let alone threaten violence. You may have allowed her to get her way, exploit you and treat you badly in the name of reducing stress for your daughter and keeping her alive. I have been in that situation--feeling like I'm allowing behavior that goes against my values, just to keep someone safe and alive, and sometimes just to keep the peace. I know what it feels like to live in crisis mode all the time, and wincing whenever the phone rings at an odd hour. However, though enablement might help stabilize a crisis in the short term, it's not a long-term solution. It would be one thing if your daughter were getting treatment, making some progress in the right direction, and experiencing some slip-ups on her journey. But it's another thing entirely if she's threatening you, acting out, refusing to work on herself, and refusing to take responsibility for her own life, while making other members of her family miserable.
Look, with BPD it's very common to have a victim mentality. I think that's the worst aspect of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her own life. She blames everyone else for all her problems, and she's constantly disappointed and aggrieved because of unmet expectations. She's learned helplessness! Even so, because you are operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you support her. You give her housing, some spending money, and a fresh start, over and over again. But by doing that, you are enabling the status quo. Even if she's miserable, the status quo is working well enough for her. She's learned that if she begs, pesters and threatens you enough, you'll eventually give in and give her what she wants. But in the meantime, she's making YOU and the entire family miserable, too. Look, a "fresh start" in a distant location doesn't change anything, because your daughter remains exactly the same. If anything, it makes things worse, because she's farther away from the only support system she has--namely YOU. I know your daughter probably dreams she'll be happier elsewhere, far away (the pwBPD in my life says the exact same thing). The thing is, the problem isn't location. The problem is your daughter, but she's also the solution.
The sad part is that your daughter will probably have to hit bottom before she decides to get some help. SHE has to be the one to decide to get help. She has to be the one to understand that her life is worth fighting for, and to work hard to turn her life around. The good news is that BPD is treatable with therapy (and with medications if there are co-existing conditions like anxiety or depression). The tough part is that she has to do some work for therapy to work, because therapy IS work.
I guess that my general advice would be to try to keep the lines of communication open, provided that you're in a good space emotionally. If she sends a mean or threatening text, you delete it like spam, because it is spam. I'd say, only engage with her when she is being civil. That way she's learning that she only gets your attention when she's treating you right. Clearly she hasn't learned that lesson yet; what she learns is that she gets attention (and money, housing or logistical support) when she's acting out. If she's insulting you, I bet she's projecting her own self-hatred onto you, and you have to learn not to take it personally--it's BPD, not her real intent. Having said that, if you find your daughter's texts are too distressing and are putting you on edge constantly, I'd say it's OK to take a break, to preserve your own sanity. You could block her for a time and then re-assess in a few days. Or maybe you decide only to look at messages from her at a prescribed time, say for 10 minutes before dinner. That way, you feel you have more control and "ration" your exposure to your daughter's emotional content in digestible bites. But the same rule applies: you reply and engage only when she's texting in a civil manner.
Look, I have a pwBPD in my life who hit bottom. She attempted suicide multiple times, each attempt more serious than the last one. She was a mess, alienated her entire family, lost all her friends and wasn't functional in day-to-day life. She would start altercations but then accuse others of assaulting her. She had delusional episodes and was extremely paranoid. She'd project ill intent onto others where none was intended. She hated everyone and everything, especially herself. She would bounce from living situation to living situation, trying to flee from her problems, constantly in a state of avoidance and "transition," but in transitioning much of the time, finding that she's not really living her life, and that her problems remain the same wherever she goes.
After a serial suicide attempt, she finally heard ultimatums from doctors and her family. The doctors told her that she needed to complete the recommend intensive therapy program and treatment regime, because she had exhausted all other options already. She could choose not to complete the recommended program, but if she ever returned to the hospital, then the only recourse was to commit her involuntarily. She also heard an ultimatum from her family: her father would support her 100%, provided that she did exactly what the doctors recommended. She was free to go her own way and decline the help, but then she wouldn't get financial support from her parents. It was her choice to decide what to do, and her family would respect whatever decision she made. Fortunately for her, the decision was easy. I'm happy to say that she took her therapy seriously, and though it wasn't easy and there have been setbacks, she turned her life around, and fairly quickly, too. I think she eventually warmed to the notion of getting help from professionals, because that validated her narrative that she felt traumatized/victimized and needed some help to learn to cope with that. On the other hand, I think that for her parents, it was a relief to focus mainly on following doctors' orders, because it alleviated pressure to come up with ways to "fix" her life, since everything we tried previously just didn't seem to work, and also felt intrusive. For a time, the primary focus was therapy--everything else (healthy habits, housing, travel, school, work, relationships) would wait. In other words, baby steps. One change at a time. The first steps were probably hardest, but once she got some momentum going, then other changes came pretty quickly.
I guess I'll wrap up by saying this isn't your fault. I know it's so HARD dealing with BPD in the family. It's heartbreaking, unpredictable and exhausting. You deserve to be happy. I think you don't have to give up on your daughter, but you can give up on the idea that you need to fix her. Only she can do that. She's going to do what she's going to do, but you don't have to spend your hard-earned money and all your emotional energy to enable her to do that.
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