Severe spiral after Thanksgiving

[SoVeryConfused]

As many know, I'm the punching bag for my twenty-something uDD. I've tried to validate, hold limits, leave conversations when they got rough, etc. It always leads to a severe spiral: blaming, begging, cussing. Around Labor Day, some of the texts crossed a line, and I communicated I was taking a break for a few days but would be in touch.

From then until last week, she talked just with dad and seemed to be happier and more calm. He visited her, and she was NC with me. I sent neutral check in texts, which she never responded to.

I was fine with this. We both needed the break, and she seemed better. I got pretty sick in Oct., and she called 4-5 times and was normal and pleasant. I continued to send neutral texts every week -  she didn't respond. All was calm.

Fast forward to now...
She came for Thanksgiving.  I was reading to give her space, don't rush in with closeness, be friendly. I did all that. I greeted her, complimented her, made eye contact as we had dinner, smiled, but didn't follow her around. I thought this might be a baby step back for us. She stayed in our home, knowing her dad was leaving the next morning and would be gone when she woke up. She knew it would just be her and I, and I thought wow- this break has been helpful.

That's where trouble started. She came out of her room crying in the AM. She wouldn't speak to me. She wouldn't eat. She was very emotional but avoidant. She eventually left to see her sister and was gone when I returned from some errands. I had bought some of her favorite things, and she did take them.

Since then, it has been terrible. Hundreds of texts and calls, accusing me of ignoring her, turning the family against her etc. I know this is from how she feels and not the truth, of course. And triggered by seeing me, because I'm her person. For the past week, it's been daily texts, and tonight begging me to come to her town and take her to the hospital.

I only communicate by text when it's civil.  I validated that it sounded like she felt awful, and if it's an emergency, go to the ER or call 911. I tried to stay with that mantra. 

She started calling my husband. He offered her to sleep here. She accepted, but then started adding conditions - you pay for a train, you pick me instead. He responded - There are two options. That's what I can do.  She started sending sarcastic texts, and then he was done.

We are trying desperately to set limits and do things differently. It's very hard, super scary, and is next level of raging and begging. She was texting me - "Please, mommy. Please. I need you."

I had to turn my phone over and stop looking because it breaks my heart. I was worried I would cave. I didn't respond.

I'm just broken. No one else understands this trauma.
If you have any suggestions or similar stories, I welcome them.

I've desperately searched for literature on this level of dysregulation and limit setting, and there's so little out there other than boundaries are important.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

SoVeryConfused,
I am so sorry you're going through this. You have been working so hard. And when we do we can naturally hope to see a reward for our efforts.  I understand that it does happen that episodes can intensify though. Praying things will lessen in intensity very soon for all your benefit. When my son was alone out of state and was so triggered, it killed me to tell him I had to end phone calls when he called my office screaming at me... There were many extreme episodes. Some level of calm or more honestly less intense communication did follow. I'm glad you shared because you definitely aren't alone here.

[Diamond60]

I’m in a similar boat, although my son is out of state and we haven’t actually seen him in almost two years (we were going to visit in the summer but had to cancel due to a severe split and he didn’t want us to come).  This past weekend was pretty bad, some first-time accusations that I’m not sure we can get past without some type of acknowledgement and apology (usually he moves on as if nothing happened/he didn’t say cruel things).  I strongly feel that there is a correlation with him binge-smoking weed along with some separate problem that occurs (that most people can move on from) and his raging splits that usually involve threats of self-harm.   He of course does not see this.    I, like you, feel like no one else can understand what we go through, at least in my circle.  So I silently suffer.  I actually dread when someone asks how I am.  “Do you really want to know?” .  I’m sorry you are going through this, I truly know how tough and painful this is to live with.