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CC43
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« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2026, 09:01:56 AM » |
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Hi there,
This is a good place to vent and to process your thoughts and feelings. What you write sounds very familiar to me. My BPD stepdaughter has done similar things--refusing and returning presents, being a no-show at family events, and complaining about past grievances while refusing to talk about specifics, then blaming me for not having mind-reading powers and not apologizing. What I see is a lot of avoidance. I think that comes down to a trauma-based, fight-or-flight response to all sorts of situations--and flight is avoidance.
On these boards, you'll see that important family gatherings--birthdays, vacations, holidays, funerals, parties--are extremely stressful for pwBPD, a tinderbox that is likely to result in some sort of meltdown. It seems that your daughter recognizes this, and she decides to avoid the stress altogether by standing you up. My BPD stepdaughter has stood me up so many times that I've lost count. At least your daughter let you know she wasn't coming; my BPD stepdaughter typically doesn't text about her change of plans. Anyway, I think she's trying to punish you with her absence. But if she's in such a bad mood, it's probably better that she keeps her distance.
As for returning the presents, I think the gifts are reminding your daughter that you do love her and that you were there for her. What she's doing is trying to rid herself of these memories, while at the same time, she's trying to rewrite history and create a narrative that you NEVER cared and NEVER gave her anything, while at the same time, just being mean and trying to hurt you. Like I wrote, my BPD stepdaughter would do the same. It's like she was doubling down on her victim narrative, just so she could blame others for ruining her life. Why? Because it was too painful to face the truth: that she was struggling, she was making poor decisions, she was lost, confused, unsure how to make a life for herself, so angry, so overwhelmed, so hurt, messed up. It's easier to blame others than take responsibility and get some help. Also, I imagine it's really painful to think, there's something not right with me, I need therapy. Well, I don't think that; I just think she thinks that.
Like your daughter, my stepdaughter is beautiful. But she has all sorts of unrealistic dreams of being "discovered" as a top model or influencer. She has spent thousands of dollars on changing her looks, when I think she's more beautiful in her natural state. An example would be dying her hair platinum blond, when she looks prettier with her deep chestnut color, which complements her eyes and complexion. While I think some level of experimentation is normal, with her, it seems more like she's "trying on" different identities, because she lacks a stable self-image. Her changing looks seem to be too performative, and she sets herself up for constant disappointment, because a surgery isn't going to magically fix her life. It's like her expectations are fantastical, over-the-top (e.g. dreams of becoming a top model, movie star, singer, internet influencer, etc.), but without being realistic or doing the non-superficial work, let alone having the inner strength to face rejection after rejection after rejection. For example, she'd put "singing and acting" on her resume, and yet she has zero experience singing in a chorus or acting in a school play (as far as I'm aware). She'd also put "moving to NYC" on her resume, but after several years, she's not any closer to the city. I'm just trying to illustrate some of the "delusional" and "narcissistic" aspects of BPD which are associated with unrealistic expectations that seem to set her up for disappointments which she can't handle.
I'll be honest with you, I've been happier when my stepdaughter isn't living with me, though I worry about her every day. I think it's better that she's responsible for her daily choices, without having constant parental supervision. Why? That way, she "owns" her choices, and it's much harder to blame me or her dad for her daily problems. That tones down the hostility in my opinion. Though we miss having a "normal" relationship, my hope is that once she establishes a more stable "identity" as an independent adult, she'll have stronger "footing," and maybe she'll be able to resume some typical family activities, like a Thanksgiving dinner with family. Maybe I'm delusional in thinking this will happen someday. But my stepdaughter has gotten treatment for BPD, and she has really turned her life around. Her life looks much healthier and more functional than it once did. But she hasn't really repaired relationships with the family yet, though she's resumed contact with an aunt. That's something.
I feel for you. I'd say, you make sure you live your life, so that you're Calm, Happy Mom when you do have some sort of interaction with your daughter. And try not to take her vindictive acts personally, hard though that may be. I've probably written too much in an attempt to explain why this isn't about you, it's about her and her distorted, negative thinking and victim attitude. I wish we could wave a magic wand and take the negative thoughts and feelings away, but it's just not possible.
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