Problem parent

[Parents! Get help here!]

After researching reviews on this site, I figured it was a good place to get support.  I read a lot of you post about "estrangement" and "separation with love" from your young adult (20's, early 30's) daughters.  I have been seeking permission to "separate with love" from my daughter for years.  Yet for years I was blamed for triggering her.  I talked too much, I talked too loud, I moved the wrong way, I talked about the wrong things.  My husband blamed me as a trigger and coddled her for so long it just "fed the monster" of her BPD.  My husband has since 100% come on board as our daughter moved from "maybe BPD" to "definitely BPD".  He has apologized but the hurt is still there and I am working on that. 
The problem is  she refuses treatment.  She refuses to be reevaluated.  She refuses to address her "I love you, now go away and maybe I hate you" approach to relationships.  We work with a counselor and have had what I would call interventions with her hoping she would get help but she refuses.  It affects her ability to work and everything.  I worry she won't be able to support herself when her lease runs out.  We are cosigners but won't ever do that again.  Since we are setting boundaries, won't let her stay at our home more than 3 days a month (she currently lives out of town - which is a whole other story- but comes home for Dr appts, etc.)  What happens when she has no where to stay?  We will hold our boundary but are so scared we are going to be seen as these terrible parents who won't let our daughter stay with us.  What if she is homeless?!!!!  Many get it, but some think we should sacrifice ourselves for her to have a place to live.  I can't though.  I just can't.  I don't think I could survive it.  Thoughts on my actual questions?  Thanks!

[Hopeslost]

After researching reviews on this site, I figured it was a good place to get support.  I read a lot of you post about "estrangement" and "separation with love" from your young adult (20's, early 30's) daughters.  I have been seeking permission to "separate with love" from my daughter for years.  Yet for years I was blamed for triggering her.  I talked too much, I talked too loud, I moved the wrong way, I talked about the wrong things.  My husband blamed me as a trigger and coddled her for so long it just "fed the monster" of her BPD.  My husband has since 100% come on board as our daughter moved from "maybe BPD" to "definitely BPD".  He has apologized but the hurt is still there and I am working on that. 
The problem is  she refuses treatment.  She refuses to be reevaluated.  She refuses to address her "I love you, now go away and maybe I hate you" approach to relationships.  We work with a counselor and have had what I would call interventions with her hoping she would get help but she refuses.  It affects her ability to work and everything.  I worry she won't be able to support herself when her lease runs out.  We are cosigners but won't ever do that again.  Since we are setting boundaries, won't let her stay at our home more than 3 days a month (she currently lives out of town - which is a whole other story- but comes home for Dr appts, etc.)  What happens when she has no where to stay?  We will hold our boundary but are so scared we are going to be seen as these terrible parents who won't let our daughter stay with us.  What if she is homeless?!!!!  Many get it, but some think we should sacrifice ourselves for her to have a place to live.  I can't though.  I just can't.  I don't think I could survive it.  Thoughts on my actual questions?  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders