updated high school graduation manufactured drama

[hopefulbpdmom]

Hi community. I posted earlier about my adult BPD daughter who lives in a different city that first threatened and then enacted no contact with me. She has not cut out anyone else in our family. My youngest is graduating from high school next week and the older daughter is coming for the ceremony and has drawn her siblings into the conflict. She is going to stay with my son instead of with us. We were supposed to have dinner as a family after the ceremony, which she was not going to attend, but now my youngest has said it will be just her at the dinner and after they are going to have a "siblings hang." I know this is all timed and orchestrated to be as damaging and disruptive as possible my my BPD kid. I hate this so much. Just looking for support and suggestions for coping.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I think my BPD mother has acted up at almost every one of my milestones like graduation.  I wonder if they just can't seem to stand that the attention is on someone else. This is your younger D's graduation and her older sister is stirring the pot.

IMHO this day is about your younger D. It's also a day of pride and happiness for you. What I would do is ask your younger D what she would want to do on this day and let her decide. Does she want to go to dinner with you and then hang with her siblings? Or is she caught between them and you?

[hopefulbpdmom]

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish. Initially younger D said she asked older D not to come to dinner because she couldn't see how that would work. Then it turned into just younger D coming to dinner with us without either sibling so they can "do their own thing". The other kids constantly capitulate to the BPD kid's emotional needs and demands. They go along to get along as a survival mechanism. Younger D swears this will be easiest and what she wants is what is easiest. It really sucks and I'm so over it. Remembering all the other times. Like the time she set a fire in her bedroom trashbin after an amazing night out for her 12th birthday, or the time she phoned 911 and hung up from my mother's house during my grandmother's wake (yes, they were dispatched to investigate), or like this last Christmas when she threw a tantrum when she didn't receive her requested item and took the bus back home on Christmas Day. It's exhausting and I don't want to bother trying in the future.

[js friend]

Hi hopefulbpdmom,

Iam sorry that you are stessed instead of what should be a time of joy for your family. celebrating

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?

[Notwendy]

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?

This is a great idea- or also do it after the graduation.

Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand the dynamics in my family of origin.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD mother perceived herself in victim perspective. Others were either "on her side" (rescuer) or "not her side" (persecutor). Triangulation is when she'd talk to someone about a third person- and get that person to be "on her side" with the other one not on her side.

Sadly, this kind of thing did cause divisions in the family.  If she rallied someone "to her side" "against" me- and I tried to clear the air with that person- they'd be stuck in the middle, having to choose.

Your younger D is caught in the middle and is trying to keep the peace. She doesn't want to have to choose between her sister and her parents.

These are difficult situations, they were quite hurtful at times. It doesn't seem fair that someone would do this with family members.

IMHO- and this is just how I see it- your best "defense" to this is to keep your strong bonds with your other children, without triangulating about their sister- so don't engage in discussions about her, which puts them in the middle. I learned that whatever I may have said to family members about my mother could potentially get back to her, as they'd feel a "dual loyalty".

Make your dinner with your D special time for the three of you. Make this a good celebration and memory. There will be less drama if it's just with your D. It's not what you planned but it still can be a good time.

You can also plan to do things with your other children, (your BPD daughter might decline or you may not wish to do this with her) each individually for their special days- birthdays, etc.

Don't change your family "all together" plans. This gives over power to your older D. I wouldn't exclude her by not inviting her. Leave this up to her to decline or accept. If she throws a tantrum- it will reflect on her. Eventually your kids, as adults, will decide their own relationship with her.

[Pook075]

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish.

That's exactly what's happening and everyone is being manipulated in order for your BPD kid to enact revenge.  It's mean and spiteful for sure, so you only have two options:

1)  Confront the BPD daughter directly
2)  Do nothing and let her have the win

If you go with option 1, it will likely ruin the graduation event.  Maybe your BPD daughter doesn't even show up.  If you do option 2, the event goes on as planned and everyone is happy but you.  Option 3 could be talking to your younger daughter, but that's likely the worst option of all since you don't want to add pressure on her for a special day.  She's the one who gets to choose though and if she wants to placate her older sister, then so be it.

Nothing about this is fair and I'm so sorry you're going through it.