40 year old daughter with BPD signs and behavior

[GracieMichelle]

I’m brand new here.
I have a 40 year old daughter who has not been diagnosed with BPD. She has all of the signs of BPD and I have had professional therapy that is familiar and has helped me to understand it is likely based on all of her behavior.
She is a single mother with a 7 year old child who is on the autism spectrum and is non speaking. Her father, my husband, died of ALS when she was 14. It was very difficult. She was particularly close to him. I remarried someone who had lost his wife and in retrospect it was very hard for her as well. She and I had a pretty close relationship considering our different personalities until a few years ago when she started angrily lashing out at me  and her sister some, over many things about the past, etc. I have been an extremely devoted mom and now grandma. Bring a parent was a huge priority in my life. My older daughter has three children and we are all very close.
The very worst happened about a year and 1/2,ago when my younger daughter called and said that her son had written that my husband had abused her son and she recounted that he wrote this out about an incident when he was 21/2 or 3 when my husband was caring for him. We babysat a lot. She had been saying he communicated by writing and it was all inside.
His head and that was how he expressed. When I witnessed this it was very clear that he was not writing but she was, besides the fact that my husband is the last person who would do this. He loves her son, but my daughter has always been strange about it.
After that horrible accusation I managed to maintain an awkward relationship with this daughter and grandson by going and visiting along, seeking therapy to help me in talking with her, learning that this was not the true her and she was hurting deeply, and be very cautious.Some  visits it went okay and others she was in her angry, tense, accusatory place. A couple times I left abruptly. I have throughout affirmed my unconditional love for the two of them. For almost four months now I have not seen her or my grandson. My pain is sometimes unspeakable.
The last encounter I had with her, when I was leaving and  usually set the next date, it went downhill and something about
it all ‘sucks’ and how bad the year had been come up, she said, ‘but I’m  not the abuser, mom. And I lost my discipline and said , ‘oh yes you are, yes you are’  
She has not returned my requests for another date to visit and a recent more fervent request to come and see my grandson.
In many ways this has felt harder than the terminal illness of my husband. That was catastrophic but it was black and white   I knew what to do, had tremendous support, and the answers were clear

I feel tormented with worry, pain, grief, and continual trying to figure out how to help her or say the things to get her to help. I have offered therapy together countless times. She refuses and says it’s all my people etc.
I’m hoping perhaps this is a place that can bring some  understanding for me, and some relief.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many elements of your story--false accusations, blaming, projection, withholding access to children as punishment, dredging up negative memories from childhood and twisting the narrative--are familiar here.  What you describe sounds a lot like BPD.

Rest assured that you did not cause BPD, and you are not responsible for your daughter's disordered thinking.  She'll blame you for all sorts of things, but that's her maladaptive way of coping.  Alas, since you didn't cause BPD, you can't make it better either, no matter how much you want to.  Only your daughter can do that.  But she's so busy blaming you, that she probably resists getting some help to turn her life around.

In the meantime, your daughter knows she has something you want--access to her son.  The more you beg and plead to see him, the more she'll use him to get back at you, to get concessions out of you.  Besides, if you frame anything in terms of YOUR emotional needs, your daughter is likely to take it the wrong way, as offensive and narcissistic of you.  You see, the only thing that matters to her is HER needs; adding yours on top is completely overwhelming.  If you are still communicating, then I'd recommend eliminating discussion about your needs entirely, and frame everything in a way that puts your daughter in the center.  One way to do this would be to frame a visit as a way to give your daughter a break, to do something special for her.

I know you are hurting.  You're aghast about the accusations of abuse of your grandson--your daughter has taken things too far, and she's becoming more delusional than ever.  The way I read the situation though is that your daughter is probably facing a ton of stress right now, and she's taking it out on you.  She's probably overwhelmed, as a single mom with a special-needs kid.  Maybe her son is getting more mobile and demanding, and she can't handle him as easily as when he was little.  Maybe she's depressed that her life is so hard, and she feels hopeless, that it will never get better for her.  She's entering middle age and feels let down by life.  She's not getting the attention and support she thinks she's entitled to.  Meanwhile, she's probably insanely jealous of her sibling, and how you seem to dote on her and her family.

I could be off base here; I'm just saying that, in my experience with BPD, acting out and inventing a narrative about past abuses are often triggered by an increase in current stresses and disappointments.  It's a maladjusted way of coping.  To your daughter, blaming parents seems easier than taking responsibility and doing the hard work of trouble-shooting.  In addition, AVOIDANCE tends to be a BPD way to cope.  When she's feeling overwhelmed, it's often easier to retreat from life, avoid dealing, avoid contact with others, while at the same time, punishing you with her absence (and access to her son).  I think of this as an "adult time out."  Together, I see these behaviors as a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  Does that make sense?

My guess is that your daughter will reach out again when she needs money or free babysitting.  I think I'd say, sit patiently, and try not to let negative thoughts take over.  You get busy with your life and get in a happy place so that when your daughter does reach out, you're calm and upbeat.

[GracieMichelle]

This is extremely helpful. It affirms some things I have processed with a therapist and also reminds me of the place of staying about her and not about me. That’s hard but I get it.   Thank you do much.

[GracieMichelle]

I shared the earlier post and response with my older daughter and my dad and 2nd mom. They are my main support group and also doing their own grieving over this with their sister and granddaughter respectively. My older daughter who has been walking this with me, was blown away by the response and accuracy to our situation and her sisters behavior

Your last sentence about taking care of my self and being prepared for when she does come to me, likely for help..  this is one of my fears- that it will be in some sort of a hard situation financially or otherwise. She’s all in her own except for a guy she has been seeing awhile that she visits for a few days at a time.as he is hours away.  I just wonder how long that will last as her relationships always fall apart.
Anyway I feel the need for some input on helping her financially.  The thought of it makes me feel resentful but then another side of me knows how sick  she is etc.
and, we are also retirees on a budget. Our savings is needed for our future.
There was great generosity with her in her teen and young adult years, including coming back to live with us a couple of times for several months.
I feel like I might find some peace if I have more input on this kind of decision.

[CC43]

Anyway I feel the need for some input on helping her financially.  The thought of it makes me feel resentful but then another side of me knows how sick  she is etc.

Hi again,

I'm glad to help put some things in perspective, even if you probably know most of the themes already. 

I highlighted above a key word in you post, which is "resentful."  That's a sign that you have gone above and beyond to help your dear daughter, but she's probably squandering your help, treating you badly because of it, or both.  It's also a hint that you are probably trying harder to turn your daughter's life around than she is.  Does that sound about right?  I'd say, that even though your daughter is extremely hampered by her intense emotions and negative thinking, that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you badly.  And it doesn't give her an excuse to give up on her life, either.  If you give her money which she sqanders when she's not working on herself, you're basically rewarding and perpetuating dysfunction, while depleting your own resources.  Your daughter might mistakenly think that if she had your money, things would get better for her, and she rationalizes it by blaming you--she feels entitled to your money as compensation for her horrible upbringing.  But money won't cure her, and you know it.  Unfortunately, you can't buy your daughter's love, and you can't buy a cure for BPD either.  Trust me on this.

There's a fine line between support and enablement, and that's a line that many parents here struggle in establishing.  Oftentimes it can seem like financial support is getting in the way, such as by perpetuating negative daily habits (e.g. substance use disorder, long-term unemployment, not adhering to a budget).  But other times, financial support can help your pwBPD get on a path towards making a better life for herself.  Sometimes financial support manages parents' feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (the "FOG"), because a parent can't bear to see their kid living "on the streets."  I guess my litmus test is:  Is the pwBPD generally doing what she's supposed to be doing, i.e. heading in the right direction, and the extra financial support helps lift her up to get to a better place?  Conversely, is the financial support enabling her to quit her life and hate everyone in the process?

My general advice regarding financial support is not to destroy your finances in the vain attempt to "save" your daughter.  If you are working long-term so that she doesn't have to, then I'd say, you have to stop sending her money.  I'd also say, don't send her any money that you can't afford.  Sacrificing yourself will NOT save your daughter.  Don't let her dysfunction take you down with her.  Since you have another daughter and grandchildren, you can think of things this way:  if you redirect most of your retirement resources to your dysfunctional BPD daughter, then who is going to help you when your money runs out?  You will probably become a financial burden to your non-BPD daughter, and you wouldn't want to do that.  So give your non-BPD daughter and your grandkids that gift, of not becoming financially dependent on them.  In the process, you avoid creating family-wide resentments.  Because if you spend most of your retirement money on your BPD daughter, you'd be "rewarding" dysfunction, while penalizing the daughter who has been nothing but good to you.

Look, just because your daughter has BPD, it doesn't mean she's incapable of learning to budget.  If you constantly rescue her from her poor decisions, then she'll never learn how the real financial world works.  If she doesn't learn now, then what will she do when you're gone?  One approach you could use is to ensure your daughter has skin in the game.  If she needs a car, you could help with a car payment, as long as your daughter pays for a meaningful part of it.  Ditto with housing or anything, really.  Another approach is to slow down the parental ATM, and wean your daughter off it.  If your daughter asks for money for the emergency du jour, your default response is, "Let me think about it / let me talk with my spouse first."  You buy yourself some time, at least a week.  Give your daughter some time and space to figure out how to manage her finances!  And it's perfectly OK to say No, or No, I don't have any money to spare, or No, I have to wait until next month when I get Social Security.  Now, upon hearing No, your daughter is likely to have a conniption fit and hurl insults your way.  Just know that that is called an "extintion burst," an amping up of the lashing-out routine that previously worked for your daughter.

If you can't bear to see your grandson suffer, and if your BPD daugher is squandering the money that you do send her, then one suggestion would be to provide support in kind, rather than in cash.  That might look like having food sent directly to her home.  Or maybe offering free babysitting (which I imagine you were providing in the past), and preparing meals for your grandson in person, with provisions you bring with you.  That way, at least you know your money is being spent the way you intended.

As for encouraging your dear daughter to get therapy, I think I'd stay away from that topic for now.  All your daughter will hear is that you don't love her, that you think something's wrong with her, or that you think she's nuts, when she's convinced that YOU are the problem.  My guess is that since you've supported her so much over the years, she's convinced that YOU are ruining her life, and that she has nothing to do with it.  That narrative is actually key to her identity.  She's clinging to the victim mentality like her life depends on it, and in a perverse way, it probably does . . . because if she's not the poor, traumatized kid, then who is she really?  In other words, your daughter isn't "ready" for therapy.  Alas, she probably won't be "ready" until she hits bottom, when therapy is the only remaining option to make her life better.  For as long as she has you around, she'll blame you for everything, while you finance her lifestyle.  Though she's miserable, she's not miserable enough to change the status quo, because the status quo is "working" for her.

If you pull back for a while, my guess is your daughter will try to find someone else to take care of her--a boyfriend, maybe another family member.  My guess is that finding a "replacement caregiver" is increasingly hard for your daughter, because she's getting older, and she has a special-needs kid in tow.  But when that fails, she'll be back.  I don't see this as being too pessimistic, but just realistic, if your daughter isn't getting therapy.

Just my two cents.  Hope that perspective helps.