Daughter is high functioning, but has so much anger.

[Junie B.]

It is hard to put myself out there and discuss my daughter. She is 26 and high functioning. However, she has many anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.). My son and son-in-law are doctors and covered psych health during med school. They both realized she has BPD when studying the psychology section of school. I had thought so before, but she would and will not acknowledge it. It is always the fault of someone else. She has had relationship problems with friends, family members, and boyfriends since she was young. She can be pleasant, but can go off the rails at any minute. She feels like she is valued less than her siblings, although she is intelligent and successful. Three years ago, this older guy (6 years older) decided she was going to be his girlfriend and he would "fix" her. She was on some meds and I wanted to get her the proper counseling. However, he came "to her rescue." He has no education or training in any field. However, he has convinced her he "supports" her, even though we continue to pay for her expenses such as rent, tuition, health ins., etc. I noticed right away he has a victim mentality and that that other members of his family get preferential treatment. She never accused us of anything like that before. However, now she is also a major victim. I know he didn't cause the BPD, but I can't convince her to get any help as he is there to "fix" it. She lives with him on the weekends and has expressed her doubts about marrying him. She has been engaged for nearly three years and won't set a date. We have just went through a rough time and she wants no contact with her siblings (a brother and a sister) anymore. I think that is pretty common to be isolated from family when with a groomer. However, she is also guilty as she makes him "do things" for her constantly. She almost can't be away from him, but she attends graduate school and he can't always go be with her. My husband doesn't want to be around her fiancee because he displays no ambition and has grandiose thoughts of himself. I have tolerated it, but am just tired of the situation. Has anyone had a similar situation? I have spoken with a therapist about this in the past. I guess I need to continue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and welcome.
While there is nothing much you can do about your daughter's relationship, you can get help for yourself.  Coming here is a good first step.  Continuing in therapy will help ,especially with establishing boundaries with her.  Does she live with you during g the week?

[Junie B.]

Thank you for your encouragement. She doesn't live with us during the week. You are right. I need to establish them and follow through. I am constantly concerned about her, but need to recognize that people make choices and there are consequences to actions. As a parents, you just want what is best for your children.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can relate, as I have an adult BPD stepdaughter with some overlapping issues.  I'd say she hasn't been as high functioning as your daughter, but after getting intensive treatment, she's on a better path now.  Like your daughter, she obsesses over her looks--skin, weight, facial features, hair color.  She's spent significant time and money (which she hasn't earned herself) for cosmetic treatments.  At times she has been furious at her dad because he refused to pay for cosmetic procedures.  I wonder if she has a touch of narcissism alongside her BPD, as she is highly focused on looks and desperately wants to be admired.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you have been focusing on your daughter's romantic relationship, thinking her fiance is a prime source of your daughter's issues.  While it's true he could be a negative influence, by my reading, most everything you wrote about sounds like classic BPD.  I'll mention my stepdaughter again, as she has every single one of these issues, even though a romantic partner isn't in the picture at all:

*anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.)
*blaming others for everything wrong in her life
*significant problems with interpersonal relationships spanning all sorts of situations and timeframes--family, friends, romantic partners, other students, roommates, co-workers/bosses
*feeling insecure and lesser than others, especially siblings
*tantrums; she can "go off the rails" at any minute, over seemingly nothing
*she frequently needs to be rescued; though she's an adult, she can't quite seem to solve problems on her own
*though she's seemingly capable, she needs others to over-function for her and pay most if not all of her rent/tuition/health insurance/car/living expenses
*victim mentality
*estrangement from family members; blocking, periods of no contact
*clinginess; demandingness for unfaltering attention
*twisting facts to make herself out to be a victim
*hurling unfounded accusations at the people closest to her

In my opinion, this has nothing to do with your daughter's fiance and everything to do with BPD.  Your daughter's choices typically aren't driven by logic, planning or foresight, but by intense, unmet emotional needs and super-sized reactions.  Indeed your daughter seems high-functioning, because she is pursuing an advanced degree and has maintained a serious romantic relationship for an extended time period.  And yet, she is beset by negativity, she has misplaced anger, and her relationships seem dysfunctional.

In my opinion, the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her own life.  She expects everyone to change and cater to her relentless needs.  She has volatile emotional outbursts and blames others for all her problems, while she conveys her distress through verbal lashings out, punctuated by cutting people out of her life.  That thinking and behavioral pattern sets herself up for constant instability in her life.  It can lead to dysfunction, marked by a trail of bad decisions and ruptured relationships.

As a parent, what do you do?  First off, know that you are not to blame.  Second, understand that you are not responsible for your daughter's feelings--she is.  Third, you need to try to stop enabling bad behavior.  I think that pwBPD can be slow learners, because their thinking is all over the place, and mostly negative.  Further, they are used to people around them over-functioning for them, in the name of keeping them from harm.  Thus bad behavior has some perverse incentives--it seems that the more she acts out, the more attention/money/concessions/help she gets!  I think you need to start letting your daughter face the natural consequences of her decisions; otherwise, she'll never learn.  If she goes off the rails in an angry rant, disengage without blaming/JADEing and give her a time out to calm down (e.g. "I need a break and will talk later").  If she disenrolls from university, fine, you respect that decision, but she has to start making payments on her student loans.  If she breaks up with her boyfriend, fine, she'll have to find another living situation herself.  If she sets a wedding date, great, that's her choice, and you treat her fiance with as much respect as you can muster.  She's an adult, and she needs to live in the "real world" to learn how the "real world" works.  She won't listen to your advice anyway, because there's too much blame and emotional baggage there.  I'd say, for now, don't give her any advice unless she asks for it.  You see, your role needs to transition from one of provider/nurturer to cheerleader/trusted adviser, because that's what should happen when your kids reach adulthood.  In the meantime, you focus on living your life.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  How does that sound?

[Junie B.]

Thank you for your helpful reply, CC43!

Your description of your step-daughter fits the personality of my daughter so accurately! I agree that the "victim" mentality is one of the most troubling aspect of BPD. It disables the BPD person as it strips their hope that good things can happen to them and sets them up for failure.

I really appreciate your insight and advice on my situation. I am hoping she eventually will agree to seek some counseling. She knows it is available if she is willing to pursue it.

She has disconnected with our family for now and I believe that is fine as we all seem to trigger her. I will miss her, but don't plan to reach out anytime soon. Her siblings, which are adults, witnessed a few especially toxic rants this past week during a family crisis and need a break from her as well. BPD creates a cycle where her mind tells her she isn't as valued, but then she blows up and our need to distance ourselves only reinforces those thoughts that she is rejected. Ugh!

I am sure you know the frustration of wanting to be there to encourage them, but are then blamed for anything that isn't going well in their lives. I only wish I could get her the treatment to help her view things more realistically.

I agree we need to live our lives in a healthy manner for our sakes and for hers. That can be challenging during some of these times, but it is encouraging to know others like yourself have dealt with it in a healthy manner. Thank you for your encouragement!!!!

[PearlsBefore]

I'm going to be blunt and I apologise in advance, because I always try to assume the best and respond accordingly.

Your daughter is 26 years old and in Grad school - she is not "living with a groomer", and the minor age gap is not even worth mentioning when telling her story except in an effort to infantilise her. Similarly you say she feels less valued than her siblings - well you told me her brothers are doctors and their opinions...before you told me anything about her...so while you may not ACTUALLY value her less than them, your communication habits may contribute to her feelings.

That said, BPD is obviously a problem with the person who has it - but it also isn't something people are born with; it's largely tied to adverse child events (ACEs) particularly ones that cause early failure to bond with parents in a healthful fashion. "Something went wrong, somewhere" - but we don't have time machines as parents, all we can do is learn the skills to help them and us adapt and improve. If you look at "Caretakers of BPD" type lessons, you'll learn GRAY MAN type behaviors that can help with DBT-style home therapy to help avoid triggers; some people find it a life-changer for sure.

When you say "She never accused of anything like that before", what sort of accusations is she making? Obviously not all accusations are true, especially when dealing with BPD people where some will drift near fantasy-prone in an attempt to escape any personal responsiblity - but it might still offer an insight into how she's constructing things in her mind to unpack exactly what her accusations are.

All that said, it seems like this fiancee is the real struggle for you and your husband to accept; he gets mentioned again and again - I know more about him than I do about you or your daughter, from your telling.