Grandbabies don’t know me

[HeartbrokenGma]

Hi all,
I’m a newer Grandma who is missing the connection with my son’s children.  He is married to a girl that appears to have borderline personality disorder.  We have to jump through so many hoops in order to see our precious grandchildren.  It has been like walking on eggshells in order to not day or do anything to upset her. It’s been so emotional and I can’t believe I have grandchildren that don’t even know us.  There are so many disrespectful texts and behaviors that she does, I can’t even begin.  I try to communicate just with our son, but she rules every thing he does.

I guess I’m just venting and heartbroken.  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

Your distress is often heard here.  Grandchildren are such astounding blessings but your daughter in law has weaponized the children as leverage in her control.

I suspect your son is walking a fine line trying to appease her demands.  Yet that's virtually impossible when one spouse is being dictatorial.  While she no doubt feel she must be in full control or else feel controlled, that perception is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Over time you can share with your son some of the insights, experiences and time-tested strategies that you learn here.  The reality is that even then he may not be able - by himself - to shift the marriage back into team orientation and equal authority.

In my own past... I first sought help from others but my ex refused any thought of us seeking counseling or therapy.  She was increasingly insisting and demanding she she was in full control of our marriage and parenting.  She started saying  she would disappear with our toddler.  It reached the point where I could not see any way forward unless we separated and divorced.  (Actually, the first visit by the police ended up being the next phase of our marriage's end.)  What was surprising was that I found out that, despite my then-spouse's insistence that she was the Authority in our marriage, family court was The Real Authority.

Admittedly, family court was very reluctant to step up and resolve the core issues and it gifted the mother too much default preference.  But eventually the court order (court's word for Boundaries) became more specific to deal with the parenting conflict.

One distinct difference was that a court order specified separate parenting time for each parent.  I decided what happened during my parenting time , just as she decided for hers.  This meant that now,  on my scheduled parenting time, I could bring my child to see my parents who lived nearby but had been previously blacklisted by her.

It's possible that your son finds contemplating such an outcome - the end of his marriage - as too difficult and even premature to ponder.  That we can't know.  Meanwhile... He can certainly get educated about how to deal with these acting-out (harmful to others) personality disorders.  Even if she won't join him in meaningful therapy, he can seek it for himself... and as the children get older, play therapy for them too.