Is It Time To Let Go?

[Uddermudder123]

It has been quite a while since I last posted. My stepdaughter-in-law is the one with BPD, and many of my previous posts discussed the family dynamics surrounding that situation. For anyone unfamiliar with the background, there is a recent history (2 years) of estrangement, conflict, and periods of no contact. I'm posting because I am becoming increasingly concerned about my stepson's mental health based on recent communications he had with his half-sister, which she shared with my husband and me.

My husband has been estranged from his son for nearly two years. During that entire time, my husband continued to reach out periodically, if only to say "I love you" and remind his son that he would always be there if needed. He never pushed, never demanded a response, and tried very hard to follow his son's lead.

Last October there seemed to be a glimmer of hope. After a year of silence, my stepson reached out asking to meet. The meeting went reasonably well, and afterward they began messaging occasionally. His son would send pictures of our grandson, share updates about his tattoo work, check in from time to time, and eventually let my husband know that he and his wife were expecting another baby.

However, the relationship remained entirely through messenger. There were no phone calls, no visits, and no attempts to spend time together. Still, my husband remained patient and hopeful.

A few months ago, their second son was born. My stepson sent photos of the baby, and my husband congratulated both parents and wished them well. A few days later, my husband's youngest daughter asked him why he had blocked his son. My husband was shocked because he had never blocked him and never would. The daughter explained that she had run into her brother, who told her that "Dad blocked me."

My husband checked his messages and discovered that the photos his son had sent had been removed and that the messages he had sent after the birth had not been opened. We were completely confused. My husband continued reaching out with no response.

Then, two days before Father's Day, his son messaged asking if he wanted to go fishing. Unfortunately, my husband already had plans but told him he would love to go another day. That message still has not been opened.

For additional context, when my stepson cut off my husband and me, he also cut off both of his half-sisters. He occasionally bumps into the younger sister because they live in the same small town, but he completely cut off his older sister, despite her attempts to reach out over the past two years.

Yesterday, the older sister contacted him because she is pregnant and wanted to share her news with him. She also told him that she missed him and did not understand why he had cut her out of his life.

His response shocked all of us.

He expressed tremendous anger, saying that she had only reached out a few times as though that wasn't enough. He talked about how dysfunctional the family is, said that their father never wanted any of his children, and stated that he needs to protect his own children from his father and me. He said that my husband's youngest son, who died from an overdose a few years ago, died alone because the family abandoned him. This is simply not true. Everyone tried repeatedly to help him.

He also blamed his father for not being there enough during childhood. My husband freely admits that he was not father of the year when his children were young. He was young himself and often worked two jobs to provide for the family. He acknowledges his mistakes and has taken responsibility for them.

I can only speak to what I have personally witnessed during the past 12 years that I have been part of this family. During that time, I have seen a father who loves his children deeply, who has always been there for them no matter what, and who would do absolutely anything for them. I have watched him support them emotionally, financially, and practically whenever they needed him, often putting their needs ahead of his own. While I understand that his children may have memories from earlier years, the man I have known for the past 12 years has been a devoted father who loves his children unconditionally.

My stepdaughter responded with kindness and empathy while also gently challenging some of his statements. She told him that his feelings were valid but that he could not continue blaming their father for everything. She told him that she missed the brother she used to know, that the person responding to her did not feel like the brother she remembered, and that she hoped he would seek help to work through his anger. She ended by telling him she loved him.

His responses only became angrier. She told me that while she wishes him well, she feels she now has closure.

My husband read the messages and is devastated. He feels that after two years of being cut off, then having hope that things were improving, only to be cut off again without explanation, this latest situation may simply be too much for him emotionally.

He lost one son to addiction and death. Now he feels as though he has lost another son by choice.

I don't know whether this level of anger is related to unresolved childhood issues, guilt over his brother's death, influence from his wife with BPD, possible depression, or something else entirely. The anger seems far bigger than the original conflict that led to the estrangement.

At this point, my husband feels he may need to step back for his own emotional well-being, but doing so feels like giving up on his son.

Has anyone experienced this kind of prolonged estrangement combined with extreme anger and rewriting of family history? Did your loved one eventually come back? And how do you come back from this?  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry about the recent turn of events.  It sounds to me like your stepson might be having a trauma-like response.  My guess is that his homelife is extremely stressful---with babies and a BPD wife.  My other guess is that BPD wife might be planting a BPD-like, all-black narrative in your stepson, insisting that he had a "terrible" childhood and goading him to cut off contact with family.  This serves to isolate your stepson, ensuring that he devotes all his time, money and emotional energy to cartaking (and over-functioning for) his BPD wife.  Yet at the same time, this isolation can begin to distort his own feelings of self and self-worth.  He might start to believe his wife's delusional re-interpretation of history:  that family is toxic, that he should block them, that he should "punish" them for a terrible past.  Moreover, she's probably punishing him if he dares to check his messages, which might explain why messages from you remain unopened.  He'd do practically anything to avoid her wrath.  Besides, he might be too busy tending to babies, his wife's neediness, taking care of household matters and earning money.  He could feel so overwhelmed that even the notion of a quick family visit would seem impossible, especially knowing that his wife would "punish" him afterwards.  He might feel embarrassed for you to find out what a mess his life is in, too.

I guess I'd advise, take this as a sign that your stepson is really stressed out, not as a true indictment of his childhood.  I think it's a trauma-like response of fight or flight.  Fight might look like nastiness and mean accusations.  Flight might look like blocking, avoiding and lying as a defensive measure.  Oh, when your stepson claimed his dad had blocked him:  he might have said that to protect himself, because if it ever got back to his BPD wife that he was having "unauthorized" contact with "toxic" family, he would be punished dearly for it.  I'm not saying that's what happened, but I am saying it's a distinct possibility.  He's lying to protect himself from greater harm.  My guess is that his wife found out about the baby congratulations and twisted things.  Something along the lines of, Well your parents are horrible, they don't do anything for us, they should have sent money, words are cheap, they're narcissistic, selfish people, they don't care about you one bit, they never did, you should block them, they're toxic.

[Uddermudder123]

Thank you very much this definitely makes sense.  My stepson's responses to his sister were very angry - and not like him (or how he used to be) at all - hence why I'm a little worried about him:

"I'm sure you sat there while they talked bs about me and my family same thing they did to our brother and and same thing they did about you." 

"If I could change my last name I would but I'm stuck with it because kids have it." 

"You can pretend like we have the world's best dad but the truth is he never wanted any of us."
 
"This family is a f'ing joke and once you see that you'll understand." 

"I'm not normal anymore, I'm f'ed up because of this. But at least I can protect my boys from them."

"When things get hard in this family, we abandon them - and my sons will never experience that."
 
And this one that I found interesting: "I know you all blame my wife but she has nothing to do with any of this."

It broke my heart to read this and to feel such disdain towards his father when before the estrangement began, they spoke to each other every day.  My stepson would facetime us almost every night with our grandson.  To this? 

[CC43]

"they talked bs about me and my family . . . You can pretend like we have the world's best dad but the truth is he never wanted any of us . . . This family is a f'ing joke . . . I'm not normal anymore, I'm f'ed up because of this. . . . When things get hard in this family, we abandon them . . . I know you all blame my wife but she has nothing to do with any of this."

Wow, it really does sound to me like the BPD wife's negativity has infected your stepson.  My guess is that this is all originally her narrative, and that she's been so insistent about it that she has convinced your stepson and turned him into an ally against the family.  The notion that people are "abandoning" him, while "pretending" and being "fake" seems like stereotypical BPD thinking to me--the pwBPD in my life has made that accusation, as if she can read into people's malevolent intentions behind overtly kind gestures.  There's a bit of acknowledgement, too:  "I'm not normal anymore," "things get hard."  My guess is that you probably don't explicitly criticize his wife that much; but deep down he KNOWS that she has everything to do with his ill feelings.

That all sounds like trauma talk to me, honestly.  I think that your husband is right to continue to let his son know that he's there for him.  However it sounds to me like your stepson's homelife is becoming unbearable, for him to think like this and be so unlike his "normal" self.  He probably feels trapped and ashamed.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with CC43's scenario, that stepson is trying not to antagonize his spouse.  So many of us here experienced the demands of a spouse to blacklist our families.  And living day in and day out with such intense pressure and repeated interrogations can break a person, just like Stockholm syndrome.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry to hear your latest update; I've been there as well and it's so heartbreaking.  My quick backstory, I was married to a BPD wife and had a BPD daughter, plus a 2nd daughter.  Teenage years were bad...every bad.  Then suddenly my wife left for another man and turned the kids against me.  This was about 4 years ago.

Going though that was so impossible, but I found myself standing on a self-made motto, "This is only for right now, it's not for forever."

My non-BPD daughter gave birth the same month my ex-wife left, and within 6 weeks I was cut off completely because she needed mom and I was being unreasonable.  Deep down I got it but man, it hurt so badly.  I got over my wife in time, I made up quickly with my BPD daughter because she was constantly playing the parents against each other, but my relationship with my other kid and newborn grandson vanished.

"This is only for right now, it's not for forever."  That's all I had and I clung to it as tightly as I could.

Eventually, my daughter figured out her mom was in fact cheating and lied to everyone about everything concerning our marriage.  Slowly, we rebuilt the relationship and there were a lot of bumps in the road because of mom and sister.  But we did get there and things are better than they've ever been.

For your husband, it's time to face a very hard truth- he may never have a relationship with his son.  It's not up to him though and he can't control anything about it- his son is getting bombarded in every direction.  I know because that was me.  I was always so stressed out and frustrated without even realizing it, but every day was some major battle with what felt like life or death consequences.  

However, this is still hope, it's just not the kind of hope you can sit back and eagerly wait for.  Your husband has to let go completely and accept that he's powerless to fix what's wrong with his son.  He's in a terrible marriage (referring to the son) and so far over his head, and if he tells dad that then there's going to be absolute hell to pay at home.  So he puts his head down and gets to work, just like I did.

This stinks for everyone involved and I'm so sorry.  But I'll say my little motto one more time, "This is only for right now, it's not for forever."

[Notwendy]

I agree with CC43's scenario, that stepson is trying not to antagonize his spouse.  So many of us here experienced the demands of a spouse to blacklist our families.  And living day in and day out with such intense pressure and repeated interrogations can break a person, just like Stockholm syndrome.

I've posted before how confusing it is when someone we see as logical and sound mind, even who has a moral compass, says and does - irrational and hurtful things, because to me, my father was the stable person in the relationship. And yet, as if he were somehow spell bound, he'd do and say things that were out of character for him.

I do believe it is a form of Stockholm syndrome, and also somehow, an extreme form of enmeshment. My own theory is that- my mother's BPD thinking and perception, and logical reality, could not co-exist. Even for me, being around her, listening to her perspective, it was hard to know what was real and what was not. She would talk to us, for validation- and press us to affirm her thinking. Sometimes she'd say things that were real and others so close to reality, that they were believable.

Borderlines are not completly psychotic, and so it is hard to discern if what they say is grounded in reality or not. I know someone with schiztophrenia and when she tells me that someone is shooting radio waves at her, I know it's not real, but when BPD mother says "your aunt insulted me"- maybe she did, maybe she didn't. It doesn't sound as far fetched, but it could be just as untrue.

My BPD mother would also put people up to carry out her wishes and the main one was my father. So she'd get some idea in her head and pressure him to carry it out. When BPD mother wants something, she persistently pressures and escalates, and that need has to be met. Dad would eventually give in, just to get her to stop.

I think my father eventually just capitulated to keep the peace and eventually, the two of them seemed to act as one person. Two separate wills can not co-exist in these circumstances. BPD mother's feelings, and wishes predominated.

But he wasn't a hostage. BPD mother was the one who was completely dependent on him and yet somehow she was the one with complete power in the relationship. This took both of them. He had choices, (albeit difficult ones)- but he also had the role of enabling partner in this situation and he was still responsible for what he said and did, however, if he didn't go along with her, her reaction was extreme.

It was a choice of consequences. We kids, his family members- we weren't going to react like she did- which included destructive and harmful behavior and under extreme pressure, Dad would just do what she asked.

As to your stepson's messages. In the era before internet or cell phones, whatever I said to my father was shared with my mother. If I called him on the house phone, she was listening in on the extention. When there was internet, every email I sent him or he sent me was also seen by her. Sometimes I didn't know who was "speaking"- him or her as they both sounded the same.

I'd be willing to bet that your stepson's wife sees every message on his phone and is either telling him to send them. When he says these things to his sisters, or father- I think she is pressuring him to say them. Does he believe what he says? I don't know. It's possible he's so stressed and confused he doesn't know either.

For those of us who are not disordered, it's unthinkable for someone to cut off a parent, child, sibling- for no real reason. In some cases of serious abuse, addiction, criminal behavior- it may be warranted, but this isn't the case with your H, and it wasn't with anyone in our family either, but it seems to be a frequent situation in BPD relationships. Why, I don't fully understand.

I know your H is hurting. I think this is one of the more hurtful outcomes of these relationships. It's understandable that he has these feelings, but what I would suggest is that he doesn't react back out of them. Because it can cause more relationship harm than good. The step son is already in a highly emotionally difficult situation, it will only confirm his unfounded beliefs.

From my own experiences, I would suggest your H "quietly retreat" - for his own emotional well being. Don't make any grand statement of "you are cut off" to his son. Just be quiet, don't keep trying to communicate with him for now, because if it were with my parents, any communication to him is filtered through his wife, and may be deleted, used as evidence, whatever.  If the son reaches out, ever, reply in a calm and non judgmental way but let the son come to you, if he decides to.

However, this is just my suggestion. I am not a therapist and so IMHO, your H needs counseling and professional advice on what to do. This is emotionally painful. He needs to take care of himself and process these emotions, and the feeling of loss. What I think is happening is that the son has lost himself in the relationship, and he's the only one who can choose to recover that, if he ever does. Giving the quiet space allows the son to feel that void, if he's going to.

Whatever happens- please don't cut off your son on legal papers in any way. As Pook said- it's for now, maybe not forever. Words hurt, feelings can change. The son will always be his son, whether or not the son can recognize it from the situation he's in. Your H can.