She was working until last year, when she quit her job because she was depressed and her boss was making her suicidal. She recently started looking for another job which is very stressful and she is still depressed.
Her dad and I are traveling overseas and last week she said was thinking she wanted to visit us in Oct and Dec. . . . I asked her if she was paying for one of the flights which caused a huge upset.
Hi there,
Welcome to the group. From the sound of things, you've been dealing with your daughter's BPD for an extended time. If you've come here in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you're in good company.
By now you're probably used to your daughter's routine of lashing out at you, blaming you for all her troubles and dredging up negative memories from childhood, over and over again, no matter how much you've tried to explain or apologize. That's all classic BPD. Nevertheless, I see some positive things here: your daughter is smart, she managed to graduate, she's held a job and functioned independently for quite some time, probably thanks to all the support you've provided her over the years. What I see is that the resurgence of acting out, blaming and threatening to cut you off comes down to your daughter's stress levels right now. She's having to face reality: she quit her job without having another one lined up. She's been unemployed for several months. And now she's forced to look for a job. The prospect of doing that has her stressed out, cash-strapped and worried about the future. Instead of accepting reality, looking forward, focusing on her job search and sticking to a budget, what does she do? She focuses on the past and lashes out at you. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her current predicament and tries to blame you instead. My observation is that the more a pwBPD is worried about the future, the farther back in the archive of negative childhood experiences she looks! In my opinion, this is an AVOIDANCE tactic. The thought of dealing with real life is just too stressful, and so the pwBPD takes "refuge" in the tiresome routine of lashing out at parents, in the hopes that parents feel so guilty and scared for their adult child that they pull out the checkbook or otherwise rescue the kid--with free housing, logistical support, administrative support, cash, whatever. The parent might think, with this last bit of support, the pwBPD might stabilize and actually appreciate it. Maybe that's true. But if the "rescue" enables your BPD daughter to give up on herself and her life, while blaming you for her predicament, then probably not. There's a fine line between support and enablement which parents here often have trouble establishing.
It seems to me that though your daughter has made major strides, she hasn't really grown up yet and accepted responsibility for her life. What I see is someone who has unrealistic expectations of her parents (and probably all the people around her). She probably expects you to pay for her travel; she resents the fact that YOU seem able to travel abroad and will throw that in your face. She treats your home like a free hotel, but if you ask her to make "reservations," she balks. And yes, I'm very accustomed to the pwBPD's apparent inability to commit to anything. The reality is, she has NO IDEA what she'll be doing in October or December; she just wants you to be available, no matter the inconvenience to you. After all, she only thinks about her needs; the second you mention YOUR needs, it seems unfair to her, and she'll accuse you of being selfish (how ironic!). Does that sound about right? I think that's classic BPD: entitlement, projecting and blaming, as well as giving outlet to pent-up frustrations, vindictiveness and cluelessness.
I guess I'm saying that if you understand where all this vitriol is coming from, you might not take things as personally, hard though that might be in practice. But what I see is that you are probably doing GREAT. Your daughter has managed to carve out an independent life for herself, even if she struggles immensely. You're still in her life, even if it's to act as a pincushion. I'd say, you need to keep your boundaries strong. If you daughter lashes out, I'd recommend giving her an "adult time out," as in time and space to calm down. You can make up an anodyne excuse ("I need to use the bathroom; Gotta run now").
