Am I the reason my daughter has bpd?

[mamalynn]

I may have used this forum before several years ago, I'm not sure, but feel in the need of encouragement. My 30 y.o. adult daughter is currently receiving therapy for bpd. We (her parents) are paying her copays for therapy and medical needs as she is not currently working. She is being supported by her boyfriend for most living costs (we pay car insurance and for her phone). She lives in another state. When she is splitting, particularly if I have said something to upset her, she verbally attacks me (usually by text) saying I am the reason she is the way she is and why she has bpd. She also cusses me out, and says other cruel things about me. I usually do not respond, and if it gets too bad, will block her for a few days. I have a hard time accepting that I am the cause of her bpd. We adopted her as a baby, and she does have attachment issues, but we had a fairly normal, loving family life, stable marriage, no alcohol or drug abuse, no physical, sexual or emotional abuse. She has 2 brothers, 3 and 5 years older than she is, who basically got along with typical sibling squabbles. As far as we are aware, there were no major traumas. I was by no means perfect, but read a lot of parenting books, sought therapy for her and myself as issues developed, and honestly do not believe my husband or I mistreated her in any way. Yet it seems I am the root of all her problems.
My husband is 81 and has kidney cancer, and is awaiting surgery. Before he was diagnosed, my daughter announced her engagement and wants to come home for the wedding. We have offered to pay for the wedding with a small budget, and I have tried very hard to help by sending information on venues and caterers she expressed interest in, giving her several options from which to pick, and putting deposits down. Now she is saying that I am doing everything my way (I truly am not!) She and her boyfriend would break up every two or three weeks, and she would call and tell me the wedding was off (so he could hear her telling me), and he would tell her he was leaving, and then a few days later everything would be okay. I set a boundary saying they could call and vent if they were arguing, but I did not want to keep hearing about the wedding being called off if they wanted me to put money down for deposits. They did pretty well for awhile, but recently did it again. I ignored it, and let things settle, then reminded her that I didn't want to hear it which is why she is currently angry with me accusing me of threatening her (I just don't want to keep spending money on a wedding that may or may not take place.) Now she's saying I'm the one who wanted the wedding and I'm making all the choices - ??? what? I don't even like her choice of caterer, but never even expressed an opinion on it, just kept saying it was up to her, and the one she chose was fine! Now I don't know if the wedding is on or off, if she wants it or not, or if I just need to bow out of it altogether. So far, if I cut my losses it will only be about $3000. Do I just wait until she is over her current hatred of me, and wait until she starts reaching out again acting as if none of the past week and the horrible things she has said happened? I am not inclined to just give her the rest of the money I had budgeted because if the wedding does go on, the vendors will need to be paid the balance of what is owed, and there are still major details and things that need to be paid for. And she has no idea what things cost, and we are not rich people. I truly have not been the one making the choices, and I don't know why she says I have. At this point, I'm just sick to death of the whole thing, and with needing to take care of my husband, don't have the energy to deal with her bpd.
Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mama,

I'm glad you found us and have returned.  That your daughter is 30 and hasn't made much progress with therapy probably means you've dealt with her dysfunction for a decade or more.  You're probably distraught, exhausted, financially drained, disappointed, fed up and fearful, too.

You ask, did you cause BPD?  The simple answer is that you did not.  Since your dear daughter is adopted, there's not even a chance of a genetic proclivity inherited from you that could predispose her to super-sensitivity.  Now, I bet that your daughter's standard response to any push-back from you is to blame you.  Rest assured, you are not to blame.  Shifting blame and avoiding responsibility are classic BPD behaviors.

I've written here several times that I think the victim attitude is the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter helpless and feeling not responsible for her own life.  She's so busy blaming others for her cruddy life that she barely spends any time working on herself.  Does your daughter have trouble finishing school, keeping a job, keeping her environment tidy, looking after herself?  Do her relationships look chaotic?  Does she spend more time hating other people than trying to be nice?  That's all classic BPD.  And rest assured, you have NOTHING to do with her not studying, not working, not picking up after herself, eating poorly, lashing out at her friends, etc.  Those are all her choices, correct?  My guess is that you've worked harder on creating a nice life for your daugher than your own daugher has, out of a sense of love, fear, obligation and guilt.  But here's the thing:  your daugher is an adult now, you can't control her decisions, let alone fix her life.  Only your daughter can do that.  So stop blaming yourself, and stop listening your daughter's attempts to blame you, OK?

If you want to know what's bugging your daughter, I think you listen to the feelings behind her accusations.  For example, if she's saying that the wedding's off, and it's your fault, my guess is that she feels extremely insecure in her relationship with her fiance, probably because she's been acting badly, but won't apologize.   If she's accusing you of being too controlling, I think that's code for your daughter feeling like she doesn't have any control over her own life.  Do you see what I mean here?  Typically her accusations will be projections of her own ill feelings.

And now a few words about money.  My guess is that your daughter has been asking you for financial help, especially to make large "investments" based on future promises.  Examples might be tuition, money for a job training program, money to help her move to another state, and yes, money for a wedding.  Of course, your daughter is extremely impatient, and she demands the money right away, without showing any ability to save up for things herself or pay any meaningful percentage herself.  When your daughter's life looks disordered, I think there's a huge risk that your money will be flushed down the toilet.  Basically, any grand "investment" in her "future" is setting herself up to fail.  Why?  Because her life is too disordered right now, and she has no skin in her own game of life.  Let me guess:  your daughter has a long track record of quitting.  She might move far away, with money/co-signing/your logistical help with moving, to a place where she doesn't have a support system.  In a few weeks, she'll need you to "rescue" her.

Look, your daughter is 30 now.  If she wants to move somewhere, she needs to make it happen herself.  Ditto if she wants to enroll in school, buy an apartment, buy a new car, get a new job, etc.  I'd say, if you don't want to flush your hard-earned money down the toilet, then she should be paying for some of her own wedding.  Maybe what you do is establish a total wedding budget, and you let her spend it however she wants.  She could elope and keep the wedding budget if she wanted.  She could pay for a venue and then cancel the reservation if she wanted.  Just make sure that SHE bears the consequences of misspending, not you.

Sometimes I think that adults with BPD never got the memo that adulthood means taking responsibility for oneself.  Or maybe, your daughter got the memo but decided to crumple it up and throw it back in your face.  My opinion is at age 30, your daughter needs to start being responsible for herself, and that your role as a parent needs to evolve.  You don't exist to ease your daughter's distress and fix your daughter's problems, because if you don't get out of her way, she'll never learn.  I think it's time you re-focus on yourself, your husband and your home.  Goodness, you and your husband are dealing with sickness.  You need to focus on your health, your financial wellness, and enjoying retirement.  You need time for friends and hobbies too.  Your whole life shouldn't revolve around worrying about and rescuing your adult BPD daughter.  Basically I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  And instead of playing the role of punching bag/ATM/fixer, you become a cheerleader from the sidelines.  You give advice only when asked.  You stay out of squabbles between your daugher and her fiance.  And you set a wedding budget, based on what you can afford to see get flushed down the toilet, and you stick to it.  If your daughter throws a hissy fit about the budget, then you just shrug and know that her reaction is called an extintion burst, an amping up of BPD behaviors designed to get you to cave.  But you're not going to cave, because you are putting yourself first, and your role of rescuer Mom has finished, and your daugher needs to learn some responsibility.  That starts today, OK?

[CC43]

P.S.

I see that you're paying for your daughter's phone.  That indirectly tells me that she has zero responsibilities for her own spending.  I'd say, the first thing you do is make your daughter pay for her own phone.  Surely she could do some sort of easy work--dog walking, babysitting, running errands for a neighbor, whatever--to earn money for a phone.  By the same token, she could decide not to work at all and go without a phone, that's her choice.  If she really needed to do something online, she could use her local library's computers for free.  Now, you might worry about your daughter going without food, shelter or therapy, but my strong opinion is that you should NOT be paying for any of her luxuries--phone, streaming services, manicures, marijuana.  Even if a "family" phone plan is cheaper, that doesn't matter!  Your daughter needs to pay for her own phone and start being responsible for some expenses.  She's 30.  Please, take her off your plan.  You might think, you need to know where she is.  Well, you don't.  She's 30.  If there's an emergency, she can ask her fiance (or a neighbor) to dial 911 for her.