Step Son Made Contact Again - This Time He Followed Through

[Uddermudder123]

Update:  My stepson, whose wife has BPD, and had cut off all contact with my husband and I for just over a year (see previous posts for the whole story), responded to my husband's latest message to him (husband would reach out to him every few months to just say he hoped all was ok and that he loved him). 

He asked my husband if he wanted to meet with him the following weekend.  My husband of course yes but with caution (this had occurred another time and my stepson never followed through with the meet up). 

They finally met at a restaurant but from what husband told me, the conversation was very surface level.  My husband was very cautious in his approach, basically let his son lead the conversation for fear of his son becoming defensive if asked a few questions.  My husband did ask how this separation occurred (what was said, what was triggered, etc.) and all his son told him was that he "overheard" that my husband said some things about not being able to give his grandson the toy car gift.  My husband explained what he actually said. 

My stepson did not apologize for he and his wife cutting us off for over a year over something that was overheard.  My stepson then said that his wife things everyone hates her.  Like, huh?  what? Excuse me?  Are we supposed to feel bad for her after what happened this past year?  Deflection is what that felt like is what my husband told me.  My stepson then changed the subject and showed my husband pictures of our grandson - which was nice to see my husband said but also made him feel very sad because it showed how much we've missed out on over the past year and a bit.  My stepson also dropped on my husband that he and his are expecting their second child but for some reason it's a secret (???).  Not sure why.  She's past the cautious mark, all is ok and they know they are having another boy. He also mentioned that his wife no longer speaks to her father (again), nor her mother (whose home they are living in - she moved into an apartment) and that they only see his mother and step father occasionally.

My husband came away with mixed feelings. He was happy to finally see his son, whom he missed very much.  But he also felt like there was too much left unsaid and there was no apology or accountability for what occurred. 

My husband asked if his older daughter could reach out to him since he cut her off as well (for no reason at all).  He said yes, so they are at least communicating a little bit.

Me, I've stayed away - for now.  I may have too high of expectations - I feel like we are owed at least an apology from him.  I don't expect it from his wife.  Just a "I'm sorry for putting you guys through crap..."   

My husband's family, from aunts and uncles to his own mother and father to his ex wife, there has been so much toxicity, unhealthy relationships, abuse (especially emotional and verbal), that when I joined this family I was overwhelmed with it all.  Whereas from my husband's perspective, it was his normal.  The drama and chaos was normal to him.  It has taken him a long time to learn that all of that was and is not ok.  But unfortunately, some of that chaos and drama obviously rubbed off on his kids - how could it not?

But at least my husband can own and be accountable if he even thinks he has hurt someone in any way.  And he's Mr. No Conflict.  Doesn't want to start anything for fear of someone getting mad at him.  With me, he can vent and let out his feelings.  But with his kids especially...he's a push over.  And they know it. 

I just feel like this was such a big hurt.  That it shouldn't be swept under the rug like it never happened.  Maybe I'm expecting too much?  Because I can for sure tell you that my husband, although happy to see his son, is still very hurt and no longer trusts his son.  And that makes me sad and angry for my husband (and for me too).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

At least you received an update, and like I said several months back, I feel really really bad for your husband's son in the matter.

Think about it- you have one kid (soon to be two) with someone you genuinely love and care for.  Yet, they're drawing lines in the sand and continually saying how the parents are out to get her, mean to her, etc.  If he defends you guys, then the anger turns on him and it's a very rough week.  So he totes the line, trying to be a peacemaker, and keeps his feelings squarely to himself.

You want an apology.  Imagine if the son apologized and somehow, the wife found out about it.  That would be the start of WWIII in their home as she completely unraveled.  "How could you take their side," she'd say.  It's a total mess and my heart goes out to the guy.

I know this (as do so many others here) because we've been in the exact same position with a BPD spouse.  It's often just easier to nod and remain silent than it is to experience the storm of emotions that tear households apart.  Because that's the thing, even if he's positive she's wrong...that's the mother of his kid that he spends his life with.  He's smart enough not to poke the bear.

Again, at least he reached out and provided updates, spend some time with dad, etc.  That's great news!

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think I remember your story.  I know you're upset about a lack of apology and continued alienation between your husband, son and grandchild.  But what I see is a baby step of progress with a meet-up.  I think it's a good thing that your stepson was able to resume contact with his dad.  However, I strongly suspect that his wife is controlling him, and probably distorting reality with lies, twisted stories/perceptions and threats.  PwBPD can be incredibly persistent and exert so much pressure that your son could be completely frazzled, living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  He might not be thinking clearly under the constant pressure and abuse.  My guess is she punishes him every time she finds out he has any contact with you.

I understand that you and your husband feel extremely hurt by estrangement that isn't warranted.  That is painful indeed.  But I suspect that the pain your stepson is feeling is far greater.  If I were in your shoes, I think I'd not expect an apology, because your stepson isn't in a good place right now.  He probably needs to prioritize his feelings and his children's welfare over your feelings.  I suspect he desperately needs your support, even if it's just knowing that you're there for him.  He might not be allowed to see you or talk with you, and I bet his wife is painting you as pure evil.  I'd be grateful for having the one in-person visit.  With some luck and patience, your son might start reaching out more frequently.  With BPD, I find it's helpful to think in terms of baby steps.  Change tends to be very slow and incremental at first.

I'm sorry for the mixed feelings.  I find that BPD sometimes brings resentment, that feeling of indignation from being treated unfairly.  Unfortunately, that's life with untreated BPD.  I bet your stepson is in a very, very tough spot.  I think it's hard to really understand how tough it is until you actually have to live with someone with untreated BPD for an extended period.  In a way, the behaviors defy logic, which can make understanding more difficult.  

[Notwendy]

This is a huge plus- even if it's not all you wished or hoped for. Yes, there is still hurt and loss of trust for your H. That's inevitable, but it's also a big step for stepson.

I think it's great that your H held it together. For the son- this was like "sticking a toe in the water" to test the temperature.  If your H had responded angrily- the son may have just pulled back altogether.

My father didn't come forward with any explanation or apology for BPD mother's behavior or his compliance with it. I think it's almost too much to recognize. It he were to do this- he'd have to see it, others would see it and ask why are you staying with her.

Wife thinks everybody hates her- she's in victim perspective, your stepson is rescuer. That she's cut contact with others in her family would be evidence that her issues aren't just with you and your H.

You are going for the long game here- an ongoing connection with your step son and grandchildren. Hopefully he will want to do this again. It's possible that his wife didn't even know he met his father, and if she did, as Pook said, it would be WW3 in the house. I'd be careful about texing him anything about the visit as she probably checks his phone. Something like "thinking of you and wife ( be sure to include the wife) and grandchild #1 (nothing about #2- keep the secret) and wishing you all a Merry Christmas is a nice (and more neutral) message.

My BPD mother did not like my father's family and she would say it to us. It was mutual but they kept quiet about it and included her on invites which she mostly didn't accept. I assumed that after my father was gone, they'd have nothing to do with each other. They had a family get together and didn't include her. She was angry. I asked her why she was- she didn't like them, and would not have attended and her response was that she "should have been included as my father's wife". So e. ven if she didn't like them and would have not attended- she still wanted them to reach out to her, to include her.

In her victim perspective, she didn't always seem to be aware of the impact of her behavior on other people ( and sometimes she did it on purpose). Also consider projection. If she didn't like someone it was because "they didn't like her". Your son has her ear and hears what she tells him. There's no telling what the reason she told the son to not contact the father- so he may not even know there's something to apologize for.  Glad your H set the story straight but for him it may be that he's heard it the first time and was processing it.