Help! Adult Son late 20s has been diagnosed with BPd

[Superdog]

Hello, I am struggling with my adult son who has come to terms with his BPD diagnosis. He has spent the last almost 11 years with frequent outbursts and drug use. Now as he's approaching 30, we found that it is only only getting worse. We go from being the best parents in the entire world and then the next day we are the worst people in the whole world. It seems like the more stressed there is in life like job and romantic relationships, the more he takes it out on us. He realized at one point that we were done with his emotional abuse and then he got a therapist and got a diagnosis. Then he got family counseling to try to make amends to us. Then all of a sudden We became a reason for all the troubles in his life. His therapist met with us and told us about BPD and to follow a script so we won't get entangled and still be able to be compassionate to him. But I'm still struggling with feeling disgusted with his behavior towards us. I'm trying to understand The mental health aspect. I have been dealing with his issues his whole life. Recently he blew up Mother's Day. And then the next day he said he has been using drugs and that's why he was acting the way he was. It was explained to us that this was a classic BPD move. All along he was telling us that he wasn't using. To make matters worse, I deal with chronic health issues and stress is not good for my heart condition.
Can somebody please give me some hope. I do love my son but right now I feel angry and I feel like he's dangerous to my health

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Superdog,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here are feeling the same thing--emotional whiplash, exhaustion, desperation, despair, anger, grief, loneliness.  You've probably tried everything, yet nothing seems to work.  Your kid simultaneously loves you and hates you, and, frankly, you probably feel much the same about him, but for different reasons.

If you read through the parent section on this site, my guess is you will see some familiar themes.  At least you'll know that you're not alone in this.  And even though you might feel hopeless right now, I see some reasons for hope in your post.

First off, your son has a diagnosis, and you know about it too.  That's significant.  At least you both know what you're dealing with.

Secondly, BPD is treatable, provided that your son wants to make some changes to feel better.  Since he's still pretty young, my bet is that he could turn his life around, and probably pretty quickly, if he stayed committed to therapy.

A complicating factor is drug use.  Self-medicating with drugs seems to be fairly common with BPD.  My opinion is that drug use only complicates the situation.  It may be that your son might need to focus on getting clean before he can do the hard work of learning some better coping skills. 

Having said that, I see a couple of other huge positives in your post.  Your son is getting some regular therapy.  In addition, it seems he has authorized his therapist to talk to you, so that you can learn how to strategize and support your son throughout his treatment.  In my opinion, a loving, stable parent like yourself is a huge ally in a young adult's treatment journey.  Granted, your son has to do the work of therapy himself.  But knowing that you're there and that you're his ally is important in my opinion.  It's part of the "scaffolding" in his life that supports him as he learns to be more stable and independent.

I'm not going to lie to you, the journey in treating BPD can be a rough one.  So I like to think in terms of baby steps.  I think many pwBPD feel overwhelmed by life, especially when it comes to making changes.  My advice would be to take things one step at a time, and slowly at first.  Now I'm not sure what your son's life looks like right now--is he living with you, or is he living independently?  Is he working, at least a little bit, or is he sleeping most of the day away?  I'd just caution you not to make any big "investments"--like setting him up in a new apartment that you paid for--unless and until his life is looking more ordered.  Otherwise, you'd basically be setting him up to fail.  Moreover, at age 30, my opinion is that if your son wants something--for example, to move away, to start a new job, to further his studies, to buy a new car--he should be the one to make it happen, not you.

Anyway, based on my experience with the pwBPD in my life, the first "baby step" in the recovery journey was an improvement in basic living habits, such as going to bed at night, getting up in the morning, showering, getting dressed, eating semi-regular meals and keeping her environment tidy.  Please note that she also stopped using marijuana daily, on the advice of her doctors.  The next step was probably getting some regular exercise, such as going to the gym a few times a week.  At the same time, she kept her therapy appointments.  Once the daily routine looked more normal, the next baby step was making a friend or two, starting with a peers in her treatment program.  The next baby step was taking an online class.  Another one was an easy part-time job, like dog walking.  The next baby step was moving into an apartment with a roommate.  With each baby step, I felt that she built some forward momentum, and she was gaining a little confidence, a better sense of her "identity" which wasn't 100% victim.

I'm not going to lie, there were some setbacks.  But my sense is that she didn't go off the rails for as long or as far as she used to do.  In other words, the frequency, intensity and duration of her outbursts diminished, and she generally got back "on track" faster.  In my humble opinion, the direction of movement is more important than speed.

Sadly, she hasn't repaired her family relationships yet.  But her life is looking much, much more healthy and functional now.  I'm proud of her for that.  My hope is that someday she'll be able to overcome her negative view of the past and repair some family relationships.  We'll see.

In the meantime, my advice to you would be to take care of yourself first.  I often advise parents here to think in terms of modeling for your kid what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes taking exquisite care of yourself.  It also means you find time for your spouse, friends, hobbies and vacations.  It means you take care of your health and finances.  This is so that you're in a good place for when you interact with your son, so that you can be the calm, reasonable, upbeat one.  How does that sound?

[Superdog]

Thank you so much for your reply.  I feeling so overwhelmed right now that your response is really helpful.  My son is working and living on his own.  On the surface one might not know what is going on.  That is what makes this so hard.  At first we thought it was just marijuana and alcohol use that was the biggest issue .he can be a wonderful person and the. "Split" as the articles say. 

I think you are absolutely right.  I think I need to take care of myself so I can see things more clearly. I am getting concerned because of my underlying health conditions and the impact stress has on it. Your words helped. I'm blessed with friends and interests so I'll try to keep my focus on that so I don't take his verbal blows so personally. The last thing that got me was that he said my husband and I  have to keep working hard to gain back his trust because in my mind I'm  like "Are you kidding?". We go through these ups and downs where we're the best parents or we messed up his life. His therapist said he is going through an episode. My son says he working on himself but then always has to finish the conversation with a one two punch.

I didn't respond to it.  The problem is that I internalize it and it's not good for my health.  So I will take care of myself so I can continue to work well with him. His therapist helped him understand that we will set boundaries not abandon him but to protect our relationship.

I

[CC43]

The last thing that got me was that he said my husband and I  have to keep working hard to gain back his trust because in my mind I'm  like "Are you kidding?". We go through these ups and downs where we're the best parents or we messed up his life.

I think that resolving to take care of yourself first, ensuring you're in a calm place, is spot on.  The key is not to take your son's words personally, hard though that might be, and despite how hard your son tries to convince you that you're awful and you're the reason his life is a mess.

I highlighted your comment above to point out what I think your son is doing, which is projection and blame-shifting.  In my opinion, that happens when he's ruminating endlessly about his perceived faults--in this case, breaking trust, lying, etc.--which induce in him a deep shame.  He's so plagued by these negative thoughts that they emerge as projections onto other people.  To me, that's a hint about what is really bugging your son, especially if this is a recurring theme of his.  He's ashamed that he's lied or otherwise broken your trust, possibly about his drug use.  Maybe he feels his entire life is "fake," like he has impostor syndrome, that he's just "pretending" to function like an adult, when inside, he's still feels like a little boy.  Maybe he feels that if you really knew what he was up to, he'd embarrass you.  Underlying all this are probably feelings of shame, inferiority, disappointing you.  He's so worried about it that his concerns emerge as projections and accusations.

Why does he do this, you might ask?  Because with BPD, overwhelming emotions are hijacking his rational thinking.  In addition, it's very common for a pwBPD to play the victim and blame-shift, even if he has to distort the truth to do it (which is why he sometimes might appear "delusional").  To him, his feelings of shame are unbearable.  To him, a standard coping mechanism is avoidance (e.g. procrastination, numbing feelings with drugs), rather than dealing with problems rationally and progressively, a little bit at a time.  Instead of taking things in stride, putting things in context and having some patience and perspective, his thinking is black-and-white, catastrophic, and intensly personal.  Instead of tolerating distress or discomfort, he's impulsive, often self-sabotaging.  Think of it as a fight-or-flight, trauma-based reaction in ordinary situations.  And instead of working towards long-term goals, your son is stuck in the past, rehashing ancient grievances, to avoid dealing with today's problems.  Instead of taking responsibility for his life, he's blaming others, mainly YOU.  On these boards, I've written countless times how I think that the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders him powerless over his own life, as he expects everyone else to change, not him.  Sound familiar?  If it does, it's because that's BPD, and I've seen it all, many, many times with the pwBPD in my life.

But getting back to my original reply, I think it's fantastic that your son is getting therapy, and that he has a diagnosis, and that he's still talking to you.  It must mean that he's come to the realization that his standard tactics of using pot, lashing out and blaming you aren't really working for him anymore.  Look, pwBPD often dislike the diagnosis, as there's a stigma, and the words "personality disorder" seem pejorative.  But in my way of thinking, he just needs a extra support right now to learn better emotional coping skills.  Instead of framing it like a "disorder," frame it like getting support to overcome a rough patch in life.  Instead of beating himself up about personal defects, frame it like getting some life coaching, or maybe "executive" coaching, or maybe cognitive training.  My understanding is that the skills emphasized in DBT (the gold standard for treating BPD) are mindfulness, managing intense emotions, reducing impulsive behaviors, improving problem-solving skills and improving relationships.  Those are skills helpful to just about everyone, and they're not necessarily taught in the home, let alone school.  I don't see any shame in getting professional support and training.  From a guy's perspective, he could think of it like brain training--increasing mental toughness.  That's no different than building physical toughness at the gym!

Anyway, if he's in a good mood, you might comment how proud you are of him taking care of his physical and emotional well-being.  That's what responsible adults do, right?  I think that if he tries to blame you (Well, it's your fault I need therapy because of my terrible upbringing), I'd advise, don't apologize or fight him on that.  I think you stay in the present (I love you and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself.)

Just my two cents.  All the best to you.

[Superdog]

Thank you again. I have truly come to the right.place. your words are so encouraging.   I had a successful call with him and I think it's it's helpful "talking" this out. I was able to say calm and not react to his tone and then he said he felt so lonely. He said he wants to keep working on it. I know tomorrow could be back to square one but I'm feeling hopeful.

[CC43]

Hi again,

I'm so glad you were able to talk to your son and remain calm, even if he was going down a negative thinking spiral.  I really think it's best if you remain calm when you talk with him, in the hopes that your calmness will rub off on him.  If you're available to him and stay calm, I think he'll appreciate that.  But if he turns it into a bashing session, and you're starting to feel anxious, then you can calmly extricate yourself (Gotta run, talk to you later, bye). 

It seems to me that he's figuring out what his issues are--he feels lonely.  It's remarkable that he's that open with you.  And yet, it's completely normal to feel lonely from time to time.  My guess is he wants a girlfriend?  Or maybe he needs some buddies to hang out with?  That's typical for someone his age, especially these days when young people spend so much time with screens at home.  It might have seemed easier to make friends in high school and college, with the repeated, low-stakes interactions with peers, which is key to forming friendships in my opinion.  Without that sort of set-up in adult life, making (and keeping) friends can seem challenging.  Moreover, he's probably plagued with a negative self-perception.

But here's the thing.  The pwBPD in my life felt the same way.  She lost her friends because she was too needy, negative and a total *itch to them.  But there are millions of other potential friends out there, right?  I think her main problem was that she was way too passive.  She thought and thought about how lonely she was, and she expected friends to come to her, to apologize for whatever grievance she felt she had against them.  She wanted to be invited to parties.  She wanted to be asked out.  But she didn't really figure out that she needed to take ACTION.  My opinion is that the best way to reduce anxiety is to think less and DO more.  Does your son want to meet more women?  Then he needs to start going where they are.  I'm not talking about bars, where interactions seem too superficial and transactional.  One idea is to go to a gym regularly.  Eventually he'll be around some like-minded (sporty) people, and familiarity breeds friendship.  He could consider joining a class--boxing, HIIT, yoga, spinning, whatever suits him.  It doesn't matter if he's not "good" at it . . . it's probably better if he's not!  Then people will probably try to help him, and they'll admire him for trying something new!  Everyone can relate to learning something new! 

Now, how to encourage your son to "get out there"?  I'd recommend refraining from giving direct advice, unless he asks for it.  But if he says, "I'm lonely," you could say, "It must get you down to feel lonely, what do you think you could do to address that?"  See what he says.  If he gets agitated and goes down a negative thinking spiral, then he's not receptive to ideas.  But if he sticks to the present ("I don't know, I can't seem to meet anybody"), that's when you could say something like this:  "Yeah, when I moved to a new area and was working all the time, it was hard at first to make friends.  But I started scheduling some activities in my calendar, to have experiences to look forward to, and eventually I made a friend or two.  What do you think might be fun?"  Since he's negative, he might not be very creative, but you could nudge him a little bit:  A classic car show?  A concert?  Hosting a BBQ/cocktails in your apartment block?  Volunteering at the pet shelter?  Joining a running club?  Going to see a friend's band play?  The key is to get out and be with people on a regular basis, ideally in a situation with regular, repeated, lower-stakes interactions, as simple as taking a dog to the park every morning at 7 am.  Even if he does things alone, when people ask, "Are you doing anything fun this weekend?" he'll have a good answer for that!

The thing that I've noticed with the pwBPD in my life, she's just not very "creative" when it comes to making a life for herself.  She seems to have no idea about all the cool things there are to do in her area, let alone the volunteer opportunities and such.  I think she really needed a nudge or two to help her find neat things to do, to help bolster her "identity," when she was in a receptive mood.  One thing I did was help her find a volunteer opportunity in her field of interest (art), which was right up her alley, and which also helped her build out her art portfolio.  Now I didn't get involved in the application process or anything, it was more like, "I saw this opportunity and though it might be of interest to you," and forwarded her a link to the "volunteers needed" webpage.  I'm delighted to say that she followed up and volunteered with the organization for a time.  I'm just saying that she needed a little nudge, because she just doesn't know about this sort of thing, let alone how to find opportunities like that. 

Does that make any sense?